Even though my three eye surgeries went very well and were successful, I remain leery of doctors and hospitals. Given several bad experiences over the years and after what we went through as my husband struggled with dementia, I’ve lost some trust in them.

The healthcare system claims to be our "friend"—a support structure for well-being—providing tools, expertise, and safety nets necessary to maintain health, treat illness, and improve quality of life. Theoretically, its purpose is to serve and protect us. Yet it often seems to act in adversarial ways for a variety of reasons.

It’s widely recognized.

The U.S. healthcare system often appears to work against a patient's interests by prioritizing profit over care, leading to unsustainable costs, high medical debt, and surprise billing.

It frequently denies or delays coverage, limits access based on employment status, focuses on treating illness rather than prevention, and seems increasingly profit-driven rather than patient-centered.

I’m finding.

We must be our own advocates. That means understanding insurance, organizing medical records, building a relationship with our primary care provider, preparing for visits with questions and documentation, using websites, knowing when to use urgent care or the emergency room, and clarifying costs upfront.

• Certainly, there may be times when I need medical care. If and when those times arise, I want to take responsibility for myself rather than being solely controlled by external forces.

Agency

I’m really talking about personal agency - the belief in our ability to steer our own lives rather than be driven by circumstances - making choices and acting accordingly.

In the healthcare system, that means being involved in our care, making decisions, asking questions, and advocating for ourselves - in other words, co-owning our health process.

We build that agency when we:

• Ask questions to ensure we completely understand diagnoses, tests, and medications.

• Address concerns immediately when we feel them.

• Use patient advocates, bring a trusted person to appointments, and keep accurate records.

• Practice patience, pleasantness, and persistence.

• Find alternative perspectives if our needs aren’t met.

We can apply agency in various ways as we navigate the healthcare system.

• Moving from passive recipient to active partner, co-owning treatment decisions.

• Researching conditions, options, risks, and benefits to make empowered decisions.

• Clearly explaining our needs, preferences, and concerns to medical providers.

• Understanding medical information and consciously agreeing to treatment plans.

We might benefit from developing agency by:

• Lowering the chance of unnecessary tests and procedures.

• Enhancing confidence, reducing stress, and increasing resilience.

• Allowing ourselves to generate trust and mutual respect with healthcare providers.

In essence, it’s about shifting our mindset from letting the system totally dictate our care to taking responsibility for our own health.

Maybe it’s unrealistic, but I would want my doctor or hospital setting to:

• Have a holistic approach to healthcare and recognize the mind-body connection.

• Use a patient-provider team approach.

• Clarify the purposes and side effects of prescribed medications.

• Look for root causes of symptoms rather than simply treating them.

• Provide information about lifestyle changes that reduce posssible dependence on prescription medications.

My question for you is this: Does your current personal medical strategy reflect what matters most to you?

I love sharing the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend or family member and invite them to join us. They can subscribe to this free newsletter here.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is publishing a book based on the articles.

In 2016, Dan, my husband of 59 years, was an active 78-year-old full-time website administrator. He loved his job, worked on projects, and was always planning activities for us. While he took no prescription drugs and was relatively healthy, he was also showing signs of memory loss. Overall, though, he was managing.

That is, until he had emergency surgery and was hospitalized for nine days. Whether he needed the surgery remains a question in my mind, but the doctors said he did, and I wasn’t knowledgeable or assertive enough to refute them at the time.

While in the hospital, Dan was disoriented, combative, and confused. When he came home, his body quickly recovered, but not his memory.

When we realized it was not improving, I spoke with the anesthetist, who assured me that while memory issues do occur, patients typically recover quickly. Our doctor tested him and said there was no problem; we took her word for it.

We knew his memory was failing, and there was no cure, so our children and I decided to deal with the issues as they arose and let him live as normal a life as possible for as long as possible.

Within a year, Dan was forced to retire; he could no longer do the job. He got lost on trips to the grocery two miles from home and couldn’t remember the names of people he knew well. For the next few years, his memory worsened, and we coped. I reluctantly took over as the head of our household and became his primary care provider.

When I couldn’t manage his behavior any longer and didn’t feel we were safe, he moved to a locked memory care facility, where he contracted COVID and died.

I’ve written about his story before; it was the most traumatic time of my life. It haunted me, and I had to understand why. Yes, he was experiencing memory loss, but he was functioning normally until that hospital stay.

Afterward, his memory deteriorated dramatically. He would have periods of clarity, but then he’d forget or deny what he said or did, like make a doctor’s appointment and then refuse to go.

So, I began reading about older adults taking multiple medications, having anesthesia, and being hospitalized for a period of time. I was stunned and truthfully furious. Why wasn’t this information included in the discussion when I was making decisions about his surgery, hospital stays, and memory care experience?

Today, I’d be better prepared: ask many questions about side effects and complications, ensure that doctors are aware of relevant health and medication issues, and be well-informed about the illness before making such life-altering decisions.

The bottom line is that age-related changes in metabolism, brain chemistry, and organ function can increase sensitivity to drugs and raise the risk of confusion, delirium, prolonged recovery, or adverse reactions.

Most of us don’t think much about hospitals or what that entails until we need them. But as we age, these experiences may become more likely—and often more complex —physically and emotionally.

So, understanding how they affect older adults and knowing which questions to ask can help patients and caregivers advocate for safer care, smoother recovery, and better outcomes. Here’s what I’ve learned.

Prescription Drugs

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, substance use disorder (SUD) is a growing issue in adults aged 65 and older. They’re more likely to take prescription medications and experience chronic pain and health problems associated with aging, which, in turn, can contribute to substance misuse and complicate treatment.

Anesthesia

According to a recent study, many older patients suffer long-term mental decline after major surgery. Research also identified the issue of cognitive decline after surgery as a cause for concern that is not receiving adequate attention.

The aging brain is more vulnerable to anesthesia, especially when deep surgery is involved. Heart or lung disease, Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, or having had a stroke increase the risk.

I wonder why those risks were never mentioned before my husband’s surgery.

Hospital Stays

Studies found that hospitalization can accelerate cognitive decline in older adults. Results indicate that even a short stay might result in a mental delay two times faster than a person’s rate before hospitalization.

When I realized that Dan, who was already experiencing some memory loss, had anesthesia for surgery, took no prescription drugs prior to the stay, where he got pages of meds, and was in the hospital for nine days, the outcome made sense.

We went through hell for four years, beginning with the emergency surgery. I’ve agonized about what I could have done differently. These ideas come to mind:

• Ask questions, such as whether a specific medication was necessary or whether there were less invasive options before surgery.

• Learn about the prescribed medications and their combined effects.

• Check with the anesthetist in advance regarding potential risks and concerns.

• Give doctors a list of prescriptions and over-the-counter drugs being taken at the time, and if memory issues are involved.

• Request a second opinion or contact the family physician first. We went to the emergency room - that was not the best first option.

• Listen to my intuition. I questioned several decisions, but didn’t speak up.

• Be more assertive with him and the medical professionals.

• Get prescriptions to manage his anxiety and aggressiveness.

I couldn’t change the course of the disease, but maybe we could have managed better, and he could have remained home a while longer if we had been better prepared.

Please let others know about the Aging Well newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers. They can subscribe below.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been publishing articles on Substack for the past five years and has recently written a book based on those aritcles - one more way to read them.

I’ve really tried to accept life's changes, but it doesn’t seem to be working very well. The problem seems to be that deep and real emotions remain: feelings of sadness for what was, fear of taking on the new, indescribable grief over the loss of my husband, and frustration with new aches, pains, and limitations.

Discontent with the term probably began when his dementia reared its ugly head, then there was caregiving, his death, and starting a new life; now there is aging. My disagreement stems from definitions that describe "accepting" as agreeing with or coming to terms with a situation. They seem to imply a yes or emotional settling into the new reality - the emotional settling in is what stops me.

My husband died - it’s a fact. I’ve adjusted and moved forward, but being in inner harmony with it, not so much - strong feelings regarding the enormous losses involved remain.

The struggle continues as my body ages. If I were to accept what professionals say a person of my age can or can’t do without carefully testing it for myself, I might miss out on many wonderful experiences.

Experts Say vs. What I’m Finding

Experts Say: An 87-year-old often faces compounded health and lifestyle challenges, including chronic conditions like hypertension, arthritis, and diabetes, alongside increased risks of falls, cognitive decline, and mobility limitations.

• At this age, I have some arthritis and impaired eyesight due to a detached retina. That’s it. I exercise regularly to prevent falls, take no prescription drugs, and am a lifelong learner, which helps keep my mind sharp.

Experts Say: An 80-plus-year-old woman can maintain an active and fulfilling life through tailored physical activity, mental engagement, and social connection. Key activities include walking, gentle gardening, water aerobics, yoga, crafting, playing games, volunteering, attending community events, and using technology to connect socially.

• I walk and climb four flights of stairs daily, practice Qigong, take care of my plants, my home, and the cats, write this newsletter, and do art, but not so much volunteering or attending community events.

• I have a sense of purpose, a wonderful family and friends, and goals to pursue.

• Yes, activities take more time, and my energy is lower, but I focus on doing as much as I can - that is, if I remember.

Experts Say: In reality, aging well may begin not with acceptance, but with acknowledgment—the honest recognition of what is changing, what is being lost, and what remains.

• This sentence opened the door to a different understanding of acceptance.

My new mindset

I recently read that acknowledgment is the cognitive recognition of physical and circumstantial changes, and acceptance is the emotional, non-resistant embrace of those changes as part of a meaningful life.

I can honestly acknowledge that my husband died, there’ve been many losses, and my body is aging. Those are facts. At the same time, my heart misses what was; profound sadness and frustration remain - for now.

Perhaps it’s about how we interpret the word acceptance. Some of us are perfectly fine with it, others, not as much. Some of us are at the honest acknowledgment stage; others have resolved the emotional settling-in.

Where we stand on the issue is fine. For me, it’s nice to stick with honestly acknowledging for now and allow the acceptance if and when it occurs.

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend or family member and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for 5 years and is publishing a book of articles, intended as a handy reference.

I was never an angry person, and have been surprised by the absolute fury that has erupted over the past few years. It may have started when I began caring for my husband, Dan, as he dealt with dementia and then died from Covid, but that was years ago. So this anger seems to have additional causes. Sometimes I explode over something very small, which sends the cats into hiding, Bella under the covers, and Bailey behind a chair.

In analyzing myself, I’d say environmental factors, loss of independence, and anxiety are major contributors. Numerous aches and pains, stomach upsets, things I can’t or don’t know how to do, life’s changes and challenges, and fear also play a role.

“Grumpy Old Woman Syndrome” isn’t a medical condition, but a term for older women who are frequently angry, irritable, and resentful. I’d never heard of it before.

Those emotions may stem from unaddressed hurts, unmet needs, and perceived unfairnesses. Irritability is a low-grade form of anger. Resentment is a festering, long-term anger that can harm mental health and relationships if not managed by expressing our needs, being assertive, and confronting underlying issues.

Older adults can be grumpy for various reasons, which include:

• Neurological conditions like Alzheimer’s Disease

• Chronic pain, undiagnosed illnesses, hunger, or general discomfort

• Untreated depression, anxiety, and grief

• Dependence on others for daily tasks, which may create feelings of vulnerability and a sense of lost control

• Changes in routine, overstimulation, loud noises, or unfamiliar surroundings

• Interactions and side effects from multiple prescriptions

• Loneliness and disengagement

Learning about that term helped me understand why I was more irritable and angry than I’d ever been. It wasn’t just me having those feelings for no reason; other older adults had them, too. That knowledge allows me to be kinder to myself when they surface.

But many professionals don’t seem to focus on the role of emotions as much. They make the “Grumpy Old Woman Syndrome” seem like something that’s easily fixed, which may not be true for everyone.

Experts Say:

• Older adults should take a compassionate approach, characterized by patience and understanding of their unique circumstances, when those emotions arise.

• We should manage our anger, irritation, and resentment by identifying the underlying causes, promoting calm through mindfulness and exercise, honoring our feelings, ensuring good communication, and maintaining social connections.

• Lifestyle changes improve emotional regulation - the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify our emotional reactions.

• Adopting a longevity mindset and viewing challenges as part of growth rather than obstacles can help us avoid these emotions.

What I’m finding:

• I really don’t want to be a grumpy old woman, and I’m compassionate with myself to a degree, but being compassionate is often no match for the many triggers that pop up. A perfect example is the song, “Unchained Melody,” which was popular in 1958, the year we were married. Every time I hear it, I remember, and sadness creeps in.

• Mindfulness can help the feelings subside - but they also come roaring back.

• I’ve changed, but the fact that Dan isn’t here to share in this new life triggers anger, resentment, and sadness.

Acknowledging the facts, taking a break, understanding what causes these emotions, and being compassionate with myself help, but they don’t fix everything either.

It’s worth the effort to keep figuring this out.

Here’s a question for you: If you experience grumpy feelings, what loss or frustration might be underlying them? For me, the answer is the loss of the person I loved and the life I had.

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over my lifetime and caregiving experience with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend or family member and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles - a handy reference source, if you will.

Before we get started, I want to welcome all the new subscribers. The newsletter is now five years old. It started with two subscribers, my daughter and son. Today, there are over 4,000, far beyond my wildest imagination. So, thanks to each and every one who takes the time to read my articles and participate.

Now then, pop-up discussions take place about every four weeks and offer us an opportunity to explore aging well in greater depth. As we grow older, sharing ideas and information with others becomes increasingly important. We have an opportunity to voice our ideas and concerns.

If you read the newsletter, I assume that, like me, you’re interested in staying healthy and enjoying the rest of your life to the fullest. However, experience tells me it’s sometimes easier said than done.

Research shows that as we get older, our quality of life - the subjective perception of our well-being, happiness, and contentment with life circumstances - affects how much we enjoy it.

So, the questions we’re pondering this time are:

• How do we rate our quality of life - that overall sense of well-being?

• What gets in the way of it being better?

• What would we recommend for others who wish to improve theirs?

My answer would be: on the surface, life is as good as it can be. What gets in the way is a lack of compassion and the worries I hold on to. Experts say awareness is the first step. Then, they suggest being grateful, mindful, and looking for little glimmers of joy. My great-granddaughters and my cats bring that glimmer very easily.

Your turn.

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A few guidelines

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

I recently went to Kaua’i with my daughter and her husband. I fell in love with the roosters who roamed freely, the turtles that came ashore at dusk, and the nenes, or Hawaiian geese, who stopped traffic as they meandered across the highway. What a peaceful, enchanting place.

However, it seems my body didn’t get the memo, or it rebelled, making the trip less enjoyable. The constant knee pain surprised me, even though I wore a brace, especially on those six-hour plane rides, and the stomach problems, but we won’t go into that. The unsettling truth was that my body sure couldn’t do what it did four years ago when we went to the Big Island.

What I hadn’t realized was that for many of us, aging introduces a tug-of-war between the body we live in and the self we still are. Inside, we feel familiar, capable, curious, and engaged. At the same time, our bodies move more slowly, tire more easily, and require adjustments, which can be confusing, frustrating, painful, and downright depressing.

This tug-of-war is understandable - our sense of self doesn’t age the same as our bodies do. It’s built from memory, experience, values, and personality, which remain stable even as physical abilities falter. That’s why many older adults feel internally youthful, even though the mirror tells a very different story.

When physical changes begin to dictate our identity, then self-worth can suffer. We may start to believe:

• I’m not who I used to be.

• I’m becoming a burden.

• I don’t matter in the same way.

However, the self—the thinking, feeling, meaning-making part of us—continues to evolve, even though the body changes. We still have wisdom earned through experience, emotional depth and insight, the ability to connect, encourage, and contribute, and our creativity, sense of humor, and compassion.

Aging well may not require choosing between the two, but it does ask us to be aware of both - honestly and with compassion. It may even feel as if we’re on the periphery of our loved ones' and friends’ lives and of society in general because we can’t participate as we once did.

This tug-of-war may soften if the body and the self become partners. The body becomes something we care for—not something we fight with or demand to do something it can no longer do.

Experts say:

• We should listen to our bodies without resentment.

• Movement becomes medicine, rest becomes wisdom, and adaptation becomes strength.

What I’m finding:

• Listening to my body without resentment is often easier said than done. My reaction is frustration at fingers that don’t work the way they used to and at a body that tires more easily.

• Movement becomes medicine, but what about the sore knees that hurt when I exercise? Rest becomes wisdom, but what about the sleepless nights that include extra trips to the bathroom, worries about the future, and hot flashes that regularly occur? Adapting might become a strength, but it can also be annoying.

Modifying our expectations, acknowledging limitations without surrendering our sense of self, and finding a satisfactory middle ground are important.

This is a new way of thinking for me. I’m purposefully choosing to appreciate my body rather than be angry with it, to do things more slowly rather than make mistakes, and to develop compassion for both.

So I leave you with this question: How can you honor the body you live in and the self you still are without letting them define your value and self-worth?

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, feel free to forward this email to a friend or family member and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

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Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and is currently publishing a book.

I’m realizing firsthand that aging is an emotional journey as well as a physical one. Our later years can be challenging due to added stress, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, family concerns, burnout, and trauma.

While many people find that aging offers opportunities for wisdom, a deeper appreciation of life, and the freedom to prioritize personal enjoyment over societal expectations, others find it more demanding than expected, due to a combination of accelerated physical decline, cognitive shifts, societal changes, and increased emotional losses.

I fall into the latter category far too often, and it seems to center around the emotional pain of losses not anticipated.

As I figure out how best to proceed, I’m finding that experts' suggestions are often easier said than done and not always accurate.

What the experts say:

• Experts suggest focusing on a healthy diet and an active lifestyle. The healthier and more active we are, the greater our flexibility, and vice versa.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• For me, aging has brought inevitable, yet unexpected, changes: reduced muscle mass, less energy, and sore joints, all of which are quite irritating.

• The same daily activities that once took little effort now require more, which increases my frustration.

What the experts say:

• Experts say that despite the challenges, research indicates that emotional well-being can improve because older adults are often better at regulating emotions, thereby reducing reactivity to daily stressors.

• They say we should frame responses to crises by focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives, and handle our problems with flexibility and adaptability.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• I haven’t found regulating my emotions easy. They don’t always play by the rules.

  • Technology is evolving quickly, lifestyles are changing rapidly, and norms are shifting. I’m often confused and unsure about the pace and number of all the so-called advances.

  • The fear of becoming a “burden” is enormous, so I keep my needs to myself and try to be as independent as possible, which tends to add stress.

  • I have lists of projects to complete, but lately my body has been saying no more often, creating doubt and anxiety.

What the experts say:

• Experts recommend engaging with family and friends, joining a close-knit community, or taking a paid or volunteer job. In other words, getting involved in activities that give our lives meaning.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• After my husband died, I lost friends - we no longer had things in common, they didn’t know what to say to me, and I often felt like a third wheel.

• My son, my grandson, and their families moved out of state, so our interactions are primarily by text. I’m lonely for the face-to-face contact with them.

• I can do what experts recommend, and that doesn’t change the fact that the love of my life is no longer here to share it with me.

So, now I take what they say with a grain of salt, determine if and how it applies to me, and plan accordingly. Because at the end of the day, I’m responsible for my life and choices.

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles.

I’ve done reasonably well, adjusting to life’s changes. No, I can’t run a marathon or skydive, but that was never on my bucket list. I‘m unemployed, but I work from home, have no drive time, and set my own schedule. What a pleasure. I don’t have young children, but my grandsons and great-granddaughters visit regularly, which is great.

The life change that has been most challenging, though, is becoming a widow - on my own for the first time. I can acknowledge the fact and adapt to it. I can keep going, but graciously accepting it seems to be another story.

Experts say a common theme among people who lose a spouse or partner for whatever reason is the draining effect of feeling entirely alone and incomplete - as if they’ve lost an essential part of themselves. The world suddenly seems like a different place. They’re unsure how to cope with life in general, and sometimes wonder whether they want to try.

It’s been five years since my husband, Dan, died - I know those feelings all too well.

Professionals advise us to accept what's happening, practice self-compassion, maintain routines for stability, break significant changes into small steps, and use mindfulness to manage emotions, all while viewing change as an opportunity for growth and learning.

Those ideas haven’t worked particularly well for me because, at the end of the day, the most important person in my life isn't here - no kisses, no hugs, no one to share my hopes and dreams with.

I recently read about an approach that seemed worth further exploration, though. It’s called a quiet reinvention, and is described as a subtle, internal process of growth and alignment, focusing on small, consistent inner shifts like changing self-talk and habits rather than on dramatic external changes like moving to a retirement community, or giving up. It consists of four components:

• An internal focus.

• Making small, deliberate decisions that involve new habits, different choices, and higher standards—in turn building momentum and leading to change over time.

• A self-directed journey of growth requiring self-reflection, integrating insights, and using natural tools for self-care.

• Shifting beliefs, habits, and self-perception to align with a deep sense of purpose - leading to changes that often become apparent only in hindsight.

• No longer tolerating what drains us, allowing ourselves to want more, and finding clarity in quiet moments.

This concept rings true for me because it’s what I’d been doing without realizing it the past year - reinventing myself in small steps. I’ve been throwing away or donating clothing and furniture I haven’t used for years, deleting programs on my computer that weren’t serving me, and saying no to things I don’t want to do.

While writing this article, I read the post “Reinventing by Design," which offered a way forward by suggesting we identify skills and values we had in past roles as parents, managers, and teachers, and apply them to our lives today. That point stuck with me - I’m still me, but I can use my skills and qualities differently given today’s circumstances.

I plan to continue on this path: to let go of the past while using who I still am in new ways.

P.S. Ironically, that post was written by my son, Doug; we had no idea what the other one was writing at the time.

I would love it if you would tell others about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is in the process of publishing a book based on the articles.

After my husband, Dan, died, my self-worth - the deep, internal, and unconditional belief in myself that I was valuable, worthy of love, and deserving of respect, regardless of my achievements faltered. I was no longer a mother raising children, a wife and partner, a teacher, or even a caregiver. Now, what did I have to offer?

There are many ways to describe how we feel and think about ourselves. While they seem the same, each is a distinct perspective with unique meanings, findings, and purposes. There is self-esteem, self-value, self-worth, self-perception, and self-respect, to name a few. When my self-worth wavered, I wasn’t

• Treating myself with kindness and respect.

• Feeling confident in my ability to handle challenges.

• Valuing myself enough to leave unhealthy situations.

• Celebrating my efforts, not just the outcomes.

Experts say we experience low self-worth for various reasons.

1. Unhealthy childhood environments, abuse, bullying, neglect, or life stressors such as job loss or relationship issues.

2. Significant life changes, such as retirement, the loss of loved ones, declining physical health, diminished independence, and ageism in society, can challenge our sense of self-worth and purpose, making us feel that our value is diminished.

3. Moving from peak midlife confidence to navigating new realities, societal stereotypes, and reduced status can affect our self-perception.

It seems that those three reasons collided, leading me to doubt myself. I was bullied as a child, and there were numerous losses throughout the years: jobs, pets, and family members. My husband struggled with dementia before he died from COVID; then I was on my own for the first time in my life.

They further explain that low self-worth can lead to negative self-talk, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and a sense of inadequacy or unworthiness. It may even increase the risk of depression, anxiety, and poor health.

What helps is realizing that self-worth isn’t about proving ourselves or meeting the expectations of others. It’s not about self-esteem either, which has to do with how we feel about what we do or did. It’s really about a deep, stable, and internal belief in who we are and in our inherent value and right to be loved and respected, regardless of our accomplishments or external validation.

As life changes, roles, losses, and limitations quietly redefine how we see ourselves, when that happens, we must claim - or reclaim - our self-worth by choosing to honor our experiences, strengths, and mistakes.

The good news: there are steps we can take to reconnect with our values and protect them going forward. I found these six worthwhile.

1. Many people tie self-worth to productivity, roles, or usefulness. When those change, their worth feels threatened.

   1. Practice: Write two lists.

      1. Roles we’ve had, like daughter, parent, spouse, teacher, and caregiver.

      2. Qualities that may define us, like kindness, resilience, honesty, curiosity, and compassion.

Notice which list feels more permanent. Our self-worth lives in the second list.

2. Thoughts similar to “I’m not useful anymore” or “I don’t matter like I used to” often go unchallenged.

   1. Practice: When a self-critical thought appears, ask ourselves:

      1. Is this a fact—or a belief?

      2. Would I say this to someone I love?

3. Contribution doesn’t have to look like it once did. Presence, listening, wisdom, encouragement, and lived experience matter.

   1. Practice: Each day, we can ask ourselves questions such as these.

      1. Where did I make a difference—no matter how small?

      2. What choice today honors my worth?”

Contribution isn’t measured by output; it’s measured by impact.

4. Self-worth weakens when we tolerate disrespect, overextend ourselves, or ignore our needs.

   1. Practice: Identify one personal boundary we need to enforce to protect ourselves. It could be

      1. Saying no without explanation.

      2. Asking for help without apology.

These boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re self-respecting.

5. Harsh self-judgments are a significant threat to self-worth, especially during aging-related changes.

   1. Practice: Once a day, offer ourselves a compassionate statement. For example, “I’m doing my best” or “This is difficult, but I’m making progress.”

Self-worth grows in kindness, not criticism.

6. Experience carries value. Strength is often forged quietly.

   1. Practice: List five things we’ve lived through that required courage or endurance.

      1. Post the list on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror.

      2. Reread the list when doubts appear.

We’re not defined by what we’ve lost—but by what we’ve endured and moved on from.

So, I’m in the process of reclaiming my self-worth - having it in place seems essential for anyone wishing to age well.

I’d love it if you could let others know about the newsletter. I want to share lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers desiring to age well.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 350 articles for Substack since January 2021 and is writing a book based on them, which will be published soon.

Pop-up discussions allow us to explore aging well together a bit more. As we grow older, sharing ideas and information with others becomes increasingly important. Here we have the opportunity to express concerns and offer suggestions.

If you read the newsletter, I assume that, like me, you’re interested in staying healthy and enjoying the rest of your life to the fullest. However, experience is telling me it takes more effort than I thought.

We’re 30 days into the new year. My intentions for 2026 were to

• Focus on my purpose - making healthy choices, being there for my family and friends, and promoting well-being for myself and others.

• Commit to mindfulness and compassion.

• Practice gratitude and forgiveness.

• Write a compelling newsletter about aging well.

If I were to give myself a grade so far, it would probably be a B. I’m definitely making changes - some intentions are going better than others, but there is progress. I'm not trying to be perfect any longer, just choosing to take steps in the right direction.

So I’m wondering: if you made New Year’s resolutions for 2026, how are they going?

Leave a comment

A few guidelines

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor or a medical professional, so I would not be offering advice.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

I was born in 1938 and have recently felt as if many of the guidelines my parents taught me no longer applied. I wondered why and read several points recently that made sense - the information seemed worth sharing.

Experts say people who were raised in the 40s and 50s showed significant mental strengths forged by the challenges of the Great Depression and World War II- strengths that included a need for strong resilience, determination, and a powerful work ethic. I remember.

• Dad worked long hours for a company that made spark plugs for tanks and other vehicles.

• We used red ration tokens to get gas.

• We weren’t able to buy a new car for several years because the focus was on war preparation.

An article by Lachlan Brown, the founder and editor of Hack Spirit, added further clarity in a recent article when he said, “... people raised in the 1960s and 70s developed mental strengths that are rare today." I was curious and wanted to know more.

His viewpoint: people who grew up then shared a set of mental strengths which are increasingly uncommon among today’s young people. Those times shaped a resilience built on slower living, fewer distractions, tighter communities, and higher expectations of personal responsibility. He identified strengths that were quietly and subtly being developed - these stood out for me.

1. The ability to tolerate discomfort without overreacting. If we grew up during those decades, we learned that discomfort was often a part of life.

2. A strong internal locus of control. If we were raised in the 60s and 70s, we grew up with a mindset that led us to believe in our power - a belief that became mental armor.

3. The emotional strength to handle conflict face-to-face. 50 or 60 years ago, we couldn’t hide behind text messages, block buttons, or deletions.

4. The discipline to delay gratification. In those decades, we couldn’t get everything we wanted immediately. Professionals suggest that delayed gratification is a cornerstone of endurance, self-control, reduced impulsivity, and increased long-term happiness.

5. Strength built from real-world problem solving. Today, many people grow up with solutions being a click away. In earlier years, problem-solving relied on trial-and-error, which tended to build resilience through mastery—confidence that comes from overcoming challenges independently.

6. The ability to be content with “enough.” People growing up then had fewer possessions, distractions, and expectations of more.

Brown concluded that progress doesn’t always make us stronger. In fact, it sometimes does the opposite. He also suggests that resilience isn’t gone; it’s just dormant, and we can rebuild it with intention, consistency, and the willingness to slow down.

That information helped me understand that the times we were raised shaped our behavior in ways I hadn’t previously considered. Understanding it allows me to acknowledge and adapt to the changes with greater peace of mind. I’m wondering if they made sense to you as well.

I would love it if you could share the newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible and continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles for Substack since January 2021 and is currently publishing a book.

I learned about longevity last year - thanks to Peter Attia, the Canadian author. My main takeaways from his book were

1. It’s not only how long we live, but also how well we live. Attia refers to this as our healthspan—the years we stay mobile, sharp, and engaged.

2. We must make wise choices now if we want to do specific things later.

My goal is to live to be 100 - so 13 years to go - but there is more to it than reaching that chronological number. I want to enjoy those years, and there are things I can and must do now to help ensure it happens. Those two takeaways changed my thinking about aging well.

Longevity is not a new word, but it’s become a buzzword for the focus on extending a healthy, high-quality life, moving beyond lifespan to include well-being, proactive health habits, technology, and a mindset shift towards living better, longer.

Myths About Longevity

Myths and misinformation about longevity abound - and then there is the truth.

• Longevity is mostly about genetics. While genetics plays a role, lifestyle, environment, and mindset account for far more when we think about how well—and how long—we live.

• Living longer means living sicker. Longevity today is increasingly about healthspan, not just lifespan.

• It’s too late to improve longevity after a certain age. Positive changes—exercise, nutrition, and social engagement—benefit the body and brain at any age. Even small changes can produce meaningful gains.

• Anti-aging products can slow or reverse signs of aging. Truthfully, no cream, pill, or procedure stops aging. True longevity comes from choosing healthy habits.

• We must exercise hard to gain longevity benefits. Consistency matters more than intensity. Walking, light strength training, stretching, and balance work are powerful.

• Longevity is about physical health. Actually, emotional well-being, relationships, purpose, and meaning strongly influence longevity. Loneliness and chronic stress can shorten life as much as some physical risk factors. Some experts say that widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes daily.

Knowing about misinformation matters because it tends to discourage us from making changes, creates unnecessary fear and shame, and pushes us toward unrealistic or expensive solutions.

The truth is more hopeful: aging well is adaptable, achievable, and deeply human.

Longevity and Aging Well

For those of us wishing to age well, longevity is about extending the healthy part of our lives rather than just surviving to an old age. Starting early is ideal; however, it’s never too late to adopt habits that support vitality and well-being.

So we’re getting older, and we’re interested in longevity. Now what? It could start with four simple actions.

• Adopt a longevity mindset: Expect a long life and plan for it intentionally.

• Define what “a good old age” means: Independence? Adventure? Service? Connection?

• Keep learning and growing: Intellectual curiosity and adaptability protect against decline.

• Stay flexible: The ability to adapt to changing health, technology, and living situations is key.

Of course, it includes our physical health, financial longevity, having a safe home and living arrangements, emotional and social well-being, and planning.

For me, adding life to my years has become the new focus.

Please share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is in the process of publishing a book.

I’ve been more enthusiastic about practicing mindfulness lately since discovering a valuable benefit. After my husband died, and given that my body keeps aging despite my best efforts, numerous additional stresses and anxieties had been leading to distractions and mistakes. When I was able to be mindful, I was mentally sharper, noticed things I’d been missing, gained new insights, and developed a greater awareness of myself. It was quite empowering.

While the popularity of mindfulness has led to its use in trendy and commercial ways, the core meaning remains the same: purposefully paying attention to our thoughts, feelings, sensations, and surroundings in the present moment without judgment.

Experimental studies and reviews highlight the benefits of increased mindfulness, particularly in our later years, suggesting that it can help prevent depression and anxiety, improve cognition, aid in disease management and pain control, and enhance our overall quality of life.

Experts say mindfulness may help older adults accept change, find purpose, maintain mental sharpness, and improve their brain’s ability to manage attention and stress when they focus on present-moment awareness.

They further claim that we can cultivate it by breathing deliberately, conducting body scans, and paying attention while eating or walking. If we do this, we not only help ourselves become more adaptable to the challenges of aging, but we also make our lives more joyful in the process.

I’m not good at meditation, mindful breathing, or body scans. However, I do journal, use imagery—visualizing ideas in my mind—and practice Qigong, which combines physical activity, breathing exercises, and mindfulness. Even so, I keep looking for other ways to manage as circumstances change - and they do.

I recently found two additional possibilities. One is art therapy, which is done in a couple of ways. We can use the popular coloring books for older adults if we want to focus on something other than our worries, or we can write a word such as "anxiety" on a piece of paper, draw or paint what comes to mind, and ask the drawing what its message is for us. It depends on what we hope to accomplish.

The other is mindfulness-based mind-mapping, a technique designed for older adults who experience significant mental stress and worry. It can help break negative thoughts and emotions into smaller pieces, preventing us from becoming overwhelmed and allowing us to tackle them a little at a time.

The mind map starts with a central topic and, in some ways, resembles the drawing exercise. We’d write a topic in the center of a blank piece of paper and then add branches—ideas related to it. If the central idea were “situations that make me anxious,” the branches might include “making the right decision,” “managing after eye surgery,” and “fear of offending someone.” We would then add notes to highlight areas we want to address in detail.

I’ve decided to further develop my skills and practice being mindful more regularly - it seems to make a difference.

Please share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, feel free to forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years.

The Aging Well Newsletter is beginning its sixth year of free weekly articles. There are 345 to choose from, and when you subscribe, the most recent article will be sent to your email on Friday. Generally speaking, I plan to explore three topics a bit more closely in the coming months:

1. Understanding the Mind-Body Connection in Later Life - with topics such as:

   1. The body as a messenger - what symptoms may be trying to tell us.

   2. Depression beyond mood - physical symptoms we tend to overlook.

   3. The gut-brain connection and why it matters.

2. Defining and Protecting Our Quality of Life as We Age - with articles about:

   1. Rebuilding our identity in the second half of life.

   2. The science of curiosity and why older adults need it most.

   3. How changing times affect us.

3. Navigating the Medical Experience System As We Grow Older - discussing topics like:

   1. The 4 M’s: What Matters, Medication, Mind, Mobility.

   2. Coordinating care, catching issues early, and addressing age-related changes for a better quality of life.

   3. Emphasizing a holistic or integrative approach.

I’m also wondering if there are topics you’d like to read more about. If so, please let me know in the comment box, and I’ll do my best to include them.

Leave a comment

I’d love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thanks so much for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is in the process of publishing a book.

Pop-up discussions are an opportunity to explore aging well more deeply. As we grow older, sharing ideas and information with others becomes increasingly important. They give us a chance to voice our ideas and concerns.

If you read the newsletter, I assume that, like me, you’re interested in staying healthy and enjoying the rest of your life to the fullest. However, experience tells me it’s not that easy.

Ready or not, 2026 is almost here. I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, as such. They last about two weeks, and poof.

However, I do like the idea of setting intentions - guiding principles for who I want to be and how I want to act, live, and show up in the world. They focus on my mindset rather than on specific outcomes.

My intentions for 2026 include the following.

• Focusing on my purpose: making healthy choices, being there for family and friends, and promoting well-being.

• Committing to mindfulness and compassion.

• Practicing gratitude and forgiveness.

• Writing a compelling newsletter about aging well.

So I’m wondering: do you make New Year's Resolutions or have intentions for 2026? If so, would you be willing to share a few of them?

Leave a comment

A few guidelines

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor a medical professional, so I would not be offering advice.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

Why do I feel discouraged so much of the time? Yes, taking care of and losing Dan, my husband, to dementia, and COVID played a role, but that was five years ago. Yes, my body is aging, but it’s 87 years old and in pretty good shape, all things considered. Yet I don’t look forward to each day as I used to, and it feels as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

It’s really too bad because life is good. I have a purpose which includes sharing what I’ve learned over the years with others through writing. I have several fun hobbies: art, plants, and cooking. I spend time with family and friends, and recently went to Hawaii. I’m healthy and financially secure. Maybe it’s time to find additional ways to enjoy the rest of my life.

Experts explain that

• Enhancing the quality of life for seniors involves adopting a holistic approach that considers every aspect of well-being, extending beyond physical health to include emotional and psychological support.

  • I have physical and psychological health for the most part; the disheartedness might have to do with a lack of emotional support, though. Before Dan struggled with dementia, he was my rock - now it’s up to me. I was ill-prepared, and being my own rock is more challenging than I thought. But wait!

  • If I’m responsible for my happiness - and my quality of life, as they say - the question I must ponder is this: am I developing the inner strength, resilience, and self-reliance to become my own primary source of support, stability, and encouragement, or am I still depending on others for validation and help?

• Older adults value feeling healthy and not limited by physical conditions, being able to manage on their own, retaining their dignity, and not feeling like a burden. They want to spend time on activities that bring them a sense of integrity, joy, and involvement, as well as having relationships that make them feel supported while they contribute to others.

  • I’m not managing on my own as much as I’d like - fear and doubt get in the way.

  • However, I make the choices. If I know this about myself, why am I letting them be in charge? Why am I not relying on traits that help me be my own rock and improve my quality of life?

A review of my choices highlights four possible reasons.

• Establishing boundaries
  Setting boundaries creates healthy and safe relationships. Three steps we can take are to: identify the issue, state our boundaries, and, if they aren’t honored, follow through with consequences.

  • I’m not good at setting boundaries; it's always been more important to please people. So, the challenges are to say no without feeling guilty and to permit myself to ask for help when needed.

• One thing every day that brings joy
  There’s nothing like having something to look forward to each day. It can be spending time with our grandkids, meeting a friend for lunch, or volunteering. Whatever it is, we should schedule one activity a day that brings us joy.

  • I hadn’t been doing enough of that. First, though, I had to figure out what brings me joy, and then plan accordingly. It can be as simple as seeing my great-granddaughters or buying a new blouse, which I did this morning.

• Lower stress
  Identify what’s causing our stress. Is it a decline in health? Family problems? Mental health issues? Financial struggles? Knowing the root cause of the stress is crucial to eliminating it. Then we could write down the problems and what hasn’t worked to solve them.

  Stress can be good in the short term, though - so they say. Good stress, or eustress, is short-term, motivating, and helps improve performance, focus, and resilience in the face of manageable challenges.

  • My stress level is high. I could offer valid reasons, such as making a significant lifestyle change, seeing the violence on the news, being a single older woman today, and managing a household on my own. At the same time, it isn’t healthy or helpful.

• Managing emotions
  Engage in hobbies, attend social gatherings, or practice calming activities, such as gardening or journaling, to help manage stress. These everyday moments can help reduce feelings of loneliness and promote self-worth.

  • I journal regularly, practice saying no more often, watch the news less, and work on building self-compassion. All of which remains a work in progress.

Hopefully, these adjustments will allow me to be more of my own rock, bring more pleasure to my day, and help me age well.

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles for Substack during the past five years.

The losses and grief I’ve experienced during the past ten years have been overwhelming at times. Experts seem to agree that letting go of the past can ease the pain, but I really didn’t want to. I liked that life; it was comfortable, my husband, Dan, was alive and well, our family was nearby, we were healthy, and I had a great post-retirement job as an online adjunct professor.

After he died, I tried to find ways to hold on to that past, but in the long run, it hasn’t worked all that well. The truth is, I’ve had new experiences, made many changes, and grown a lot. I am a different person - and he’s not here by my side doing those things with me. Given that insight, I took two significant steps towards letting go this week.

I’m redecorating my apartment - getting rid of old furniture and adding a new recliner chair, a chest of drawers, a television, and a small file cabinet. It also means rearranging, getting new pictures, and organizing files. The cats are a little confused with the changes, but they’ll adjust.

While I’ve made many small steps towards creating a new chapter in my life, this step seemed most significant. It felt as if I were making a statement - letting go of what was and creating a new environment for the rest of my life based on my choices.

As it turns out, I took a second step this week as well. I hired a company to publish a book based on the articles I’ve written over the last five years. Publishing the book and writing new articles on aging have given me a renewed and expanded purpose, helping me move forward.

Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker, offers many ideas for letting go of the past.

• Accept the reality of the past without denying or intensely wanting to change it.

  • Accept is not my favorite word. I can acknowledge the truth without denying it, but I still want to adjust and live with it somehow. Those losses will never be okay with me, but I do go on.

• Practice self-compassion by acknowledging our feelings and being kind to ourselves, primarily when reflecting on past mistakes.

  • I really could do a better job of that.

• Reframing perspective means shifting our emotional attachment to past events by focusing on lessons learned, such as resilience, self-awareness, and other strengths.

  • This strategy doesn’t seem to make much difference. I’m self-aware and resilient, but those losses remain.

• Journaling our thoughts and feelings can help us process past events and better understand them.

  • I’ve journaled for years, and it helps, as does drawing my feelings and listening to the message they provide.

• Setting new, positive goals and creating a vision for the future can motivate and provide a forward-looking perspective.

  • Redecorating the apartment and publishing the book are giving me something to look forward to.

• Engage in mindfulness, which can help us stay grounded in the present moment and manage negative emotions.

  • I’ve found some successes with this, but I also want to work with it more.

• Forgive ourselves and others to release the emotional weight of past hurts.

  • Forgiving myself is a work in progress.

I plan to experiment with three of Tony’s suggestions: greater self-compassion, forgiveness, and mindfulness, as I continue letting go of the past and moving forward.

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, above all, continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles for Substack since January 2021.

Pop Up Discussion time.

I’m a pretty good complainer - with years of experience. I can complain about most anything from what I hear on the news to things not going my way, and everything in between. Does it do me any good? Probably not.

My underlying hope may be that if I complain, someone will fix it for me. However, sometimes just the act of complaining helps me get the issue off my mind, and I stop dwelling on it.

My complaints about aging fall into four categories.

• Things I can’t do any longer, or as easily as I used to.

• Aches and pains that keep cropping up despite my best efforts.

• All the things I need to learn, given the changing world, particularly in technology. There seem to be so many ways to get tripped up or scammed.

• The long-held beliefs, habits, and values I held dear no longer seem to apply.

What can I do about those issues instead of whining?

• Readjust my thinking by focusing on and being grateful for what I can do.

• Pay attention to my body when it tells me to slow down and ease up.

• Keep learning and growing, regardless of the required effort.

• Update, honor, or toss out beliefs, habits, and values that no longer seem to fit.

As you know, Pop-up discussions are an opportunity for us to connect and explore concepts of aging well. Sharing ideas and information with others becomes increasingly important as we grow older, and here’s a chance to voice our ideas and thoughts.

If you read this article, I assume that, like me, you’re interested in staying healthy and enjoying the rest of your life to the fullest. However, experience tells me it’s not quite that easy.

My question to you is this: If we have complaints about aging, what might you recommend rather than constant moaning and groaning?

Leave a comment

A few guidelines

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor, so I would not be offering advice.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

Happy day after Thanksgiving.

I’d planned to write about complaining this week, but there is a different story to tell - related to celebrating my birthday.

It started with a visit to a glass-blowing shop in Santa Cruz, CA, on Sunday, November 16th. With guidance, making a small vase was easy and great fun.

My daughter and her husband wanted to take me to Hawaii to celebrate. Yes, quite a special and very appreciated surprise. So, the following Tuesday, we boarded a plane at 7 in the morning and flew to Kaua’i - an island I’d never been to with a name I didn’t know how to spell.

We’d rented an Airbnb on the ocean in the southern part of the island near the small town of Poipu. We had breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the lanai, overlooking the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets - at least for a few days.

Did you know that roosters are everywhere on that island? I fell in love with them. According to local lore, the hurricanes of 1982 and 1992 destroyed domestic coops, releasing the chickens into the jungles. These domesticated birds then mated with the wild red junglefowl (brought to the islands by the Polynesian), resulting in the feral chickens of today.

We explored the island for five days, from Waimea Canyon State Park on the west coast, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Pacific, to Princeville and Hanalei on the island's northern side.

One of the many highlights was making chocolate bars at Wild Kaua’i Chocolate. Lance, the owner, instructor, and chocolate maker extraordinaire, led us through the process. It was great fun. To see pictures about our venture: click here and then on the ‘see all photos arrow.’

He explained in great detail the benefits of dark chocolate with little to no sugar for older adults and gave us samples of chocolate tea. Interesting! But not my favorite.

I also discovered nenes, or Hawaiian geese, an endemic bird species of the Islands, for the first time. They are exclusively found in the wild on the islands of Maui, Kauaʻi, Molokai, and Hawaiʻi. In 1957, the nene was designated as the official state bird of the state of Hawaiʻi.

A downside of the trip - those meals by the ocean were short-lived. The Airbnb with the beautiful view had bed bugs, and they bit. So, we had to move and lost our view, but found a lovely replacement. We could walk to the beach and watch the sea turtles in the evening.

I kept up pretty well, did most of what they did - sometimes needing a helping hand - but managing. I even walked 12,000 steps one day (about 5 miles).

The island was filled with small towns, quaint shops, and friendly people. For the most part, there were no street lights, and roosters roamed free.

As you can see, it was quite a magnificent and delightful adventure. However, it was a lot for this 87-year-old body - my knee and stomach complained loudly, so I don’t plan on doing it again.

If I were to consider another trip, though, I’d do a couple of things differently.

• Get first-class seats on the plane if I could afford them.

• Stay at the Airbnb or hotel while they do more rigorous hiking when they want.

• Make it a shorter trip.

Mahalo for reading the Aging Well Newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

If you’d like to support my work, consider donating to the Alzheimer’s Association. This link takes you to their website. The choice is yours.

A topic I never considered before my husband died was loneliness - its depth and complexity. At the time, I was busy managing new challenges, taking charge, and adjusting to life as a caregiver and then a single older woman. Today, I’m acutely aware of the fact that ‘never again’ is a very long time.

Experts describe four types of loneliness:

• Emotional Loneliness, the absence of a deep, intimate bond with a significant other

• Social Loneliness, or the lack of a broader social network and a sense of belonging to a community.

• Situational Loneliness refers to the temporary loneliness caused by a specific life event, such as a move or a breakup.

• Chronic Loneliness is a persistent, pervasive feeling of loneliness that lasts over time.

The two that touch me strongly are emotional and chronic loneliness.

Emotional Loneliness

Many people find new love after the death of a spouse, and over time, the impact of that loss tends to diminish. However, I’m 87 years old and not interested in pursuing a new relationship. I like living alone, have a supportive family and friends, and have proven to myself that I can manage the household with a bit of help - a house cleaner, a financial planner, and Amazon deliveries. And I am lonely.

Experts note that losing someone who knows us is different from just missing them. It’s among the many secondary losses we suffer, one of the least concrete, and one that may take a long time to understand and articulate.

What I’ve come to realize is that nothing can replace the intimacy of living with someone for decades and knowing them for 70 years. We grew up in the same neighborhood, had the same friends, our families were close, and we shared interests, memories, and goals. Our level of togetherness was achieved through proximity and time, and there is no way to replace or recreate it.

Chronic Loneliness

Chronic loneliness is a persistent feeling of social and emotional disconnection that life events, health issues, or negative self-perceptions can cause. It’s been linked to serious health consequences, including increased risks for heart disease, stroke, dementia, and a shortened lifespan.

I’ve read many articles about loneliness that offer ideas for healing, none of which lessen the loss for me.

I’m incredibly fortunate: my family supports me and allows me to be as independent as possible; I have a purpose; I’m healthy; and I’ve built a new life for myself.

And at the same time, there is an underlying sadness and loneliness that I don’t think will ever go away - maybe I don’t want it to. My husband was the most important person in my life - a part of me is missing.

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I've learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles on Substack since 2021.