I’d been surprisingly angry with myself for various reasons and not very compassionate or forgiving lately. I was still kind and took care of others, but had a very different set of rules and expectations for me.

Those articles suggested that the relationship with myself was affecting my behavior. If I were frustrated, I criticized me, got discouraged, and gave up. If I were feeling good about myself, I was more willing to patiently continue trying to resolve the issue.

Below, I bring you what I’m finding and my experience at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.

Making choices

Experts say that the relationship with ourselves sets a baseline for how we interact with the rest of the world.

What I’m Finding:

• Why am I not thinking of myself as a good friend: practicing kind self-talk, forgiving myself for making mistakes, and spending quality time getting to know my needs?

• It’s really a choice and I make it for others.

• Why do I have this double standard?

Our inner voice

Experts say we should notice when we are mean to ourselves and switch to a warm, supportive inner voice, accept that we’ll make mistakes, treat failures as a normal part of growth instead of a catastrophe, and protect our energy by saying no to things that drain us.

What I’m Finding:

• Switching voices can take effort. Critical thoughts are often deeply engrained, fostered by experience and happen without notice.

• It’s true mistakes occur; my goal is to learn from them and modify accordingly.

• I try to think in terms of missed-takes and learning opportunities rather than mistakes, which can feel negative and demoralizing.

• Saying no is a good idea, but there may be extenuating factors involved, such as wanting to please others or understanding that ‘no’ wouldn’t be the best response given the totality of the circumstances.

Not needing to please others

Experts say having a strong relationship with ourselves can help prevent the need to please and other unhealthy behaviors. They suggest we align our daily choices with self-love for a healthier, more authentic life and think in terms of self-care spanning the body, mind, and soul.

What I’m Finding:

• It might be a matter of which is more important: a strong relationship with ourselves or pleasing others. For me, it was pleasing others, but not so much anymore.

• I had no idea what it might look like to align my daily choices with self-love. So I did additional research.

• Apparently, daily self-love is the continuous choice to prove to ourselves through small, repeated actions that we have our own back.

• Oh! As a step in that direction, I installed dictation capabilities so I can at least start my articles vocally, rather than having to type them on a keyboard which is be frustrating given my fingers don’t work as well as they did.

  ---

Emotions

Experts say maintaining physical vitality, cultivating mental clarity, and nurturing our spirit establishes a resilient foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling life.

What I’m Finding:

• It really does require cultivating mental clarity, nurturing our spirit, and maintaining our physical vitality if we want to age well.

• I’m beginning to think of emotions not just as hypothetical thoughts generated in an empty space; but as a conversation between my brain, nervous system, and organs - experiences triggering real, measurable changes throughout the body by way of the nervous system.

  ---

Giving ourselves permission

Experts say giving ourselves permission to pause is a powerful act of self-respect and emotional restoration. Stepping away from the demands of caring for others and meeting external expectations offers a space to decompress and reconnect with our inner selves.

What I’m Finding:

• Solitude is healing and my desire for time alone is strong after being with others. It truly is rejuvenating.

• I also find that stepping away from caring for others and meeting their expectations is quite freeing.

It takes time and sometimes deep soul searching but when we really know ourselves, we can take better care - and maybe age better.

A question for us to ponder is “what does my relationship with myself look like?”

Please let your friends and family know about the Aging Well Newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers. So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.

This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.

You can buy the book here

The last three weeks we’ve covered three important topics - conversations we have with ourselves, the need to include ourselves in our purpose, and what to do when we feel as if our voices aren’t being heard.

While each topic approaches aspects of aging from a different angle, all three point to a similar challenge: remaining engaged with life as our bodies, circumstances, and priorities change.

We may have to adjust not only to change but also to what it means to us - so how we talk to ourselves, how we adjust after a loss, and giving ourselves permission to speak up is crucial.

I’m finding that aging well depends less on trying to return to who we were and more on learning how to be with who we are now.

The question for today’s pop-up discussion:

• In what ways do I work against rather than support myself?

My response would be to listen to my body—and to the information it gives me.

Your turn!

Leave a comment

A few guidelines:

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome!

In case you wondered, the art in the Pop-Up discussions were acrylic paintings, but my fingers weren’t as nimble as they used to be. So I’m experimenting with colored pencil drawings.

When I was growing up in the 40s and 50s, the house rules were, “don’t ask questions,” “children are to be seen and not heard,” “don’t talk back,” and “do what you’re told.” Those admonitions led me to do what ‘they’ said without question, think others knew better than I did, and ignore my sense of things.

Which led me to keep curiosity, questions, and opinions to myself. I didn’t feel heard because I kept my mouth shut, and while I’m better at speaking up today - the issue remains. Just the other day, I agreed to do something I really didn’t want to do - again. So, the work continues.

As we age, we may feel like we’re not being taken seriously or viewed as capable by family members, friends, or even medical professionals. This can lead to feelings of isolation, helplessness, and even depression.

So as an older adult, it’s even more important for me - for us - to let go of those out-dated rules - to allow ourselves to age with dignity, agency, and self-worth.

Below, I share with you what I’m finding at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.

Experts say the first step in ensuring our voice is heard is finding someone who will listen to us and fight for our rights. This could be a family member, friend, or even a professional healthcare advocate.

What I’m Finding:

• I disagree! I want to to fight for my rights and have someone support me in doing so which might mean helping me prepare, attending appointments, and discussing the situation beforehand.

• That would mean knowing what my rights are, which is in part what this newsletter is about.

  ---

Experts say that when we go to the doctor, we should be prepared with a list of questions and concerns. This helps us make the most of our appointment and ensures that all our questions are answered.

What I’m Finding:

• That’s true. However, it also applies to other areas of life whether talking to someone in authority or a strong, opinionated friend.

• Being prepared seems to be a useful first step no matter the situation. It helps lessen anxiety. When I’m worrying about something, I write my spinning thoughts on a piece of paper; then I can consider options or adaptions. Getting them out of my head and on to paper somehow opens the door for other possibilities.

  ---

Experts say we shouldn’t be afraid to speak up for ourselves no matter the setting. If we feel that we’re not being heard, or we’re not getting the answers we need, we must be assertive and make sure our voice are heard.

What I’m Finding:

• That’s easier said than done. It’s taken courage and practice for me to stand up for myself.

• We may have been taught professionals know best and that we should follow their recommendations.

• I know myself best and have a sound mind, which means I have the right to make my own decisions.

  ---

My question for you is this: how comfortable are you in standing up for yourself even though others may disagree.

Please let your friends and family know about the Aging Well Newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Last weekend my purpose was affirmed, but not in the way I expected. The difference: in the past my purpose was primarily focused on others, now it was clear that more focus must be on caring for me.

My daughter, her husband, and I went to San Francisco on Labor Day. It was a beautiful day - blue sky, a view of Alcatraz, and excellent food. We walked to Pier 39 and Fisherman’s Wharf - about 7000 steps on mostly flat pavement an easy walk.

At lunch, we continued a conversation I’d been having with her about all the things I can’t do anymore and how disheartening it was. My health is basically good. But arthritis in my knees make stairs and getting in and out of a car difficult, my fingers don’t work the way I want them to, and new aches and pains seem to be multiplying in addition to seeing and hearing issues.

She took out her phone and showed me videos of older women dancing, pole vaulting and running marathons to make the point that maybe - just maybe - I could do more in terms of gentle exercise. He suggested looking online for tips to help my knee. The conversation included numerous ideas and turned out to be motivating.

When I got home, I found a free movement-through-dance class offered by AARP, numerous sites for seniors interested in strength training, and ChatGPT provided a simple 20 minute per day knee routine. I dug my 2 lb. weights that were buried in the back of a closet out, and bought some protein powder. All of which brightened my spirit - offered some hope.

I’ve always thought of my life purpose as caring for others. At first, I took care of my younger brother, then my children. Finally, I cared for my husband as he struggled with dementia.

So, this was a dramatic shift to consider - caring for myself. Yet, it stands to reason that if I’m not physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritual healthy, I can’t continue taking care of others or better yet support them while they take care of themselves.

Below, I want to share what I’m finding in comparison to the general advice experts give.

Experts say when life feels profoundly changed, our pre-loss dreams may temporarily feel hollow. They suggest leaning into “micro-purposes”—like walking a pet, connecting with a friend, or preparing a meal—to give ourselves valid reasons to start each day.

What I’m Finding:

• Micro-purposes are not a strong enough motivation to get me up in the morning.

• However, I am finding ways to embrace aging well on my terms not in the ways society says.

  ---

Experts say that instead of letting go, we should look for ways to continue a bond with what was lost. This might include performing small rituals, honoring the influence they had on our life, or doing a kind deed in their memory.

What I’m Finding:

• I agree. Life inevitably moves on and I’ve had to let go. Times change, I change, and my husband isn’t here, but my caring for him continues in other forms.

• Creating the newsletter and writing the book allow me to stay close to him, as does wearing his wedding ring.

  ---

Experts say we must rebuild our identity. The person we were before the loss may not exist any longer, and they advise us to give ourselves permission to discover new interests, roles, and values.

What I’m Finding:

• My husband and I were always active. After he died, I exercised, but it’s challenging to do it alone. I practiced Qi Gong for awhile but lost interest and stopped.

• In some regards, I was building a new identity - an older woman who’s not active—and that is not the person I want to be.

• I still am that active person. So, I’m looking for new and engaging ways to do so during this stage of life —which is what the Labor Day conversation provided.

  ---

Experts say that when the future feels like an empty space and big dreams feel hollow, we should rely on small purposes such as preparing a nourishing meal, walking a dog, or connecting with a friend.

What I’m finding:

• Those small purposes do nothing for me.

• In the process of aging well, though, I’m finding that caring for—and protecting—myself is an essential piece of the process.

Quality of life isn't necessarily about getting back what we lost. It's about finding meaningful ways to do what still matters to us within the life we have now.

A question to ponder is this: How might what matters to us find expression in the life we have now?

I would love it if you shared the Aging Well newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for over five years and recently published the book, An Insider’s Guide to Aging - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-old.

The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.

This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.

You can buy the book here

Conversations with myself over the past ten years have been more critical than supportive. Yes, I’m a psychologist. Yes, I know better. And, yes, I knew what I was doing, but that didn’t stop me from being less than compassionate, and very harsh with myself while caregiving and then rebuilding a new life after my husband died. Without a doubt, that approach was not helpful.

Below, I share with you my sense of things as an 87 year old compared to the general advice experts give.

Experts say as people age, they become more appreciative, observant, and forgiving.

What I’m finding:

• I’m appreciative, observant and forgiving most of the time. But there’s also resentment and frustration that the life I knew and loved, and the person I cared for most deeply are gone.

• I’m teaching myself the habit of taking the time to respond rather than react, which may help.

  ---

Experts say that while silent thinking is the norm, older adults often revert to speaking out loud—and that’s okay.

What I’m Finding:

• I’ve never considered myself to be an angry person, but anger escapes too often lately. I went from being a wife for over 60 years to being a single woman dealing with change, technology, and an aging body that seems to accompany this unprepared for stage of my life.

• I talk to myself out loud—or to the cats. It helps me process my thoughts and they don’t talk back.

• Fortunately, I’m home, so only they hear my angry voice. I do apologize profusely and promise them it’s not their fault.

  ---

Experts say that instead of stressing over every detail, we naturally develop better coping strategies and a slower, more deliberate voice that frames challenges with greater self-compassion and wisdom.

What I’m Finding:

• This has not been my experience—yet. Life is changing at a rapid pace and long-held coping strategies aren’t working as well as they once did. I still haven’t fully developed new ones to deal with this chapter of my life.

Experts say older adults should reframe a negative inner critic into a compassionate, “kind observer” coach.

What I’m Finding:

• I agree that coaching ourselves builds long-term toughness, motivation, and growth by offering supportive, constructive guidance. In contrast, self-criticism relies on shame and rigid blame, which tends to drain confidence, increase anxiety, and can lead to avoidance or burnout. While both aim for improvement, the coach builds endurance while the critic damages confidence.

• I’m getting better at self-coaching - being more encouraging, patient, and validating with myself. I try to focus on solutions, adapting, and taking small actionable next steps; rather than relying on black-and-white thinking and dwelling on failures. I’m also allowing myself to be more curious and self-compassionate - to focus on long-term progress and psychological well-being rather than quick fixes.

• Even so, too often the critic takes over, with it’s reliance on guilt, fear, and a belief of never being “enough.” A focus that tends to cause anxiety, burnout, and emotional fatigue. Being my own coach continues to be a work in progress but work that is well worth the effort.

A question for each of us to consider is this: Am I being a self critic or a self coach and how is that working for me so far?

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Thanks for reading the Aging Well Newsletter! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on SubStack for five years and recently published the book, An Insider’s Guide to Aging - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-old.

Over the past three weeks, we’ve discussed how anger at our aging bodies takes over at times, how we might be able to live with loss and live fully, and how we can live intentionally while experiencing medical realities following the ideas presented in the 4M’s Framework.

While the topics seem different on the surface, they share a common thread: ways to experience dignity and self-respect in our later years by

1. Listening to what our body is telling us - is the migraine headache stress-related or are stomach issues causing anxiety?

2. Finding ways to enjoy life after losing our loved ones, our purpose, or our sense of self.

3. Being an active participant in medical decisions - making them based on our values and wishes - not allowing ourselves to be the victim of someone else’s.

The question for today’s pop-up discussion is this:

• What is one thing we can begin doing today to support our overall sense of well-being, independence, and life satisfaction?

My answer would be to understand how deeply feelings are connected to my body and that they just might have a message for me if I’d listen.

Leave a comment

A few guidelines:

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

If I must go to a doctor or the hospital, I want to be a partner in the decision-making process. So far, I’ve been able to keep myself out of that position, which doesn’t mean it won’t happen. My intention, though, is to maintain self-respect and advocate for myself during those circumstances.

This means shifting from being a passive recipient to an active collaborator. By being better prepared, and clearly understanding my concerns and needs, I can be more confident that my preferences and values are driving healthcare decisions.

I’m reading about The 4M’s Framework which focuses on the needs of older adults. It aligns care with personal goals and shifts from looking only at disease to viewing the whole person, and organizing care around their unique needs and strengths, which might lead to better outcomes and satisfaction.

I like the model because it’s not a prescription for how to age, but a reminder that there’s someone with values and feelings behind every diagnosis. This is the focus, briefly.

• What Matters refers to identifying goals, preferences, and values, making them central to our decisions and aligning treatment with what’s most important. In other words, what matters to us regarding health care decisions.

• Medication refers to reviewing prescriptions, OTC products, and supplements to ensure they aren’t causing harm, checking for side effects, interactions, and true necessity, because age can affect how certain drugs work. In other words, are the treatments we’re receiving honestly helping us live the life we want.

• Mentation refers to focusing on a positive state of emotional, psychological, and social health. In other words, medical problems don’t happen to our bodies in isolation - they happens to the whole of us.

• Mobility refers to promoting safe movement and physical function, helping us stay strong, active, and independent, preventing falls and maintaining an ability to do what matters. In other words, what do we want to be able to do during the rest of our lives?

Below, I use the 4M’s Framework to compare what I’m finding as an 87 year old and what experts generally say.

Experts say taking control of appointments require prioritizing our concerns by documenting the most important symptoms or questions in advance - noting dates, frequencies, and factors that make us feel better or worse.

What I’m Finding:

• This is where What Matters and Mentation from the 4M’s Framework comes in.

• Rarely have I been given the time for such discussions in a doctor’s office. I’m not sure the health system is prepared either with a typical in-office visit lasting about 15 -20 minutes.

• Which is why we need to be prepared to discuss our goals, preferences, values and emotional, psychological, and social health during the visit.

  ---

Experts say we should keep conversations clear and focused asking these three questions: What is my main problem? What do I need to do? Why is it important for me to do this?

What I’m Finding:

• The 4M’s Framework helped me understand that my preference is to work with medical professionals who view emotions as part of the body.

• The Medication component of the model provides a way for me to share my concerns about taking prescription drugs or having unnecessary surgery.

• Overall, I want a doctor who considers both conventional and alternative options which typically look at the whole person.

  ---

Experts say we should ask providers to explain their diagnosis and offer evidence supporting or ruling out specific conditions.

What I’m Finding:

• That seems wise if the provider agrees to such a relationship. It’s never been my experience, but I know others who have.

• With the 4M’s Framework, we consider whether or not the treatments we’re receiving are helping us live the life we want and provide ways to stay in control.

  ---

Experts say we should discuss our emotional and mental well-being, daily lifestyle, and family health history openly and honestly so the doctor can treat us holistically.

What I’m Finding:

• The doctors I’ve met never seemed interested in the emotional side of an illness, the need for treatment, or my daily lifestyle.

• That’s why it’s up to us to implement it.

We have a life to live—and that life is shaped not only by our health, but our values, emotions, lifestyle, and choices. So, perhaps the 4M’s Framework can help us do that.

A question to consider is this: Have you received medical care that resembles the 4M’s Framework?

Leave a comment

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and recently published a book based on the articles entitled, “ The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.”

The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.

This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.

You can buy the book here

At this age and after losing the love of my life six years ago, finding joy remains somewhat of a challenge. I’d like to say I have; yet, there are days when it couldn’t be less true.

My husband and I shared our lives since we were 12, we were a team, we grew up together. When he passed, the life we had was gone and for the most part I had no idea for what to do next - unlike when the children left home and my plan was to become a psychologist.

Many long held habits are proving difficult to release - they’re ingrained in me. Building a new routine is often easier said than done.

Life has irrevocably changed. I’ve changed, the world has changed, and he isn’t here to share those changes with me.

Below, I share what I’m finding and my experience at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.

Experts say we can stop being victims by taking responsibility, practicing self-care, saying no, and educating ourselves.

What I’m Finding:

• Practically speaking, I’m doing it - with my own apartment, writing the newsletter, and living my life - albeit a quieter one.

• The emotional wear and tear involved remain another story.

Experts say living with loss and living fully is about moving forward with grief rather than "moving on" or seeking closure. It’s a conscious choice to honor our pain while remaining open to joy, connection, and purpose.

What I’m Finding:

• Neither concept works for me nor does the idea of letting go of the past. Moving on can be seen as leaving someone or something behind. Moving forward can be viewed as putting the past behind us. Letting go can be thought of as loosening the love or connection.

• I don’t want to leave his memory behind or lose our connection.

Experts say living with loss while living fully means allowing grief and joy to coexist.

What I’m Finding:

• I can live with the losses, and experience moments of happiness, but, something is missing.

• I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time. Pure joy is playing with my great-granddaughters, and there is sadness that my husband isn’t here to share the experience and they will never know him.

This transition is something each of us will figure out for ourselves as our lives change - and they will.

So, a question to consider is “What can help me remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?”

Leave a comment

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over my years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. More than anything, I want to continue to expand our community of readers.

Share

You can also forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Anger tends to pop up for three reasons basically:

• The frustration of aging and not being as independent as I want.

• Managing a household and what that involves on my own.

• The pressure I put on myself to manage the challenges well.

I’ve been thinking about ways to handle the anger more successfully with ideas like:

• Avoiding harsh self-criticism.

• Maintaining a more positive attitude.

• Watching for signs of depression or stress.

• Paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

• Staying physically active and prioritizing consistent sleep.

While considering the options, I find myself agreeing with certain suggestions that experts offer, but not so much with others.

Experts say physical activity makes it easier for older adults to continue doing household chores, getting in and out of bed or a chair, easily and moving around the neighborhood. This ability may help them maintain independence.

What I’m Finding:

• I don’t disagree.

• Yet, my body seems to discover more and more ways to curtail those activities. It just doesn’t do what it once did and seems to provide valid reasons for slowing me down - some arthritis, stiff fingers, and eyes and ears that don’t see and hear as well as they did.

• I now worry about my heart when I want to walk up a hill, my knees when getting down and up from the floor, and my stomach - well, let’s just say it has ways of stopping me from going places, I’d like to go.

• My tendency is to stay home and do nothing, but that’s not a good solution.

Experts say that instead of harsh self-criticism over what we can no longer do, we should practice treating ourselves with the same grace and empathy we’d offer a good friend.

What I’m finding:

• I’ve never been an angry person - quite the opposite. But I’ve increasingly felt so the past year because of a body that doesn’t function as it did, the adjustments I have to make to keep going, and the simple things that are no longer easy to do. An angry person is not who I want to be.

• I’m kind-hearted with others - but not myself. There’s a double standard in play which needs rethinking.

• A starting point might be to appreciate what my body has achieved over the years and continues to do, because it has done and is doing a good job.

Experts say that in general, older adults report less negative and, more often, positive emotions than younger adults. They tend to use a wider variety of emotional regulation strategies.

What I’m Finding:

• My experience has been the opposite. A combination of losses, physical pain, and learning to manage on my own have triggered strong feelings.

• A part of it has to do with ageism. I resent people make assumptions about me based on what they think an 80-year-old can do - like thinking they need to help me walk across the street or go to the restroom. It’s also aggravating to hear people make jokes about my age, and decide I can’t do certain things without asking me.

• The combination of aches and pains, stomach issues and other ailments, having to redo things numerous times, and struggles with technology are wearing over time - frustration builds and explodes.

Experts say that in older adults, depression can show up as anger, irritability, and sudden outbursts. Research shows a strong connection, indicating that the more severe a senior’s depression symptoms are, the more anger they are likely to feel and express.

What I’m Finding:

• Depression is involved - not in a clinical way, but as a deep sadness regarding the forced changes I don’t really want to make.

• My body can no longer do activities that once gave me pleasure, and I haven’t identified enjoyable replacements - but I’m working on it.

• Technology is a major source of frustration, it seems to change daily, and there are many ways for tricksters and scammers to take my money or gain access to my information. I’m fairly computer savvy but still get tripped up.

• I wonder if my mind and body could find a way to work together as a team allowing the circumstances of aging to be more acceptable. Hmmm!!!

Experts say stress in older adults is often missed. It doesn’t always look like panic or worry, instead, but may show up as poor sleep, physical discomfort, forgetfulness, or a lack of interest in things that once mattered - signs that are easy to miss or explain away, if they are viewed as part of the aging process.

Yet, when stress is ignored, it can take a toll on mental and physical well-being. So, paying attention is important.

What I’m Finding:

• Stress connected to life changes cause physical symptoms, and physical symptoms cause stress.

• The undue stress and pressure I put on myself remains an issue as I navigate these later chapters of life.

• Frustration with my body probably adds to the stress.

Experts say older adults can manage stress effectively by focusing on the present moment without judgment, staying physically active with low-impact exercises, and prioritizing consistent sleep.

What I’m Finding:

• I’m physically active and have fairly consistent sleep patterns.

• Focusing my attention on the present moment without judgement remains a work in progress.

• I’m experimenting with the idea that a conversation between my mind and body may be essential for long-term health and emotional regulation.

• Acknowledging our body rather than ignoring it allows us to treat physical symptoms as information rather than an inconvenience.

• My most recent body symptom is a rash. I’ve changed the laundry soap, shampoo, and bath soap. It’s better, but not perfect. So, I’m looking into other possibilities.

• As an experiment, I asked the rash if it had a message for me - the thought that immediately came to mind was “ my body is irritated with me - for being irritated with it.”

• That’s possible! And it’s a concrete doable idea I can start working on today.

• Another option might be to look at my choices and self-talk to make sure they support both my body and mind.

So a question for you to consider: “Is there more I can do to honor my mind and body as I get older?

Please let your friends and family know about the Aging Well Newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

Share Aging Well Newsletter

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Over the past few weeks, we’ve discussed rebuilding confidence in our aging bodies, the role of choices as we age, and the importance of movement in later life.

While each of those topics approach aging from a different angle, all three point to a similar challenge: remaining engaged with life as our bodies and priorities change.

Physical limitations may lead us to doubt our independence, our identity, and our sense of competence. I’m finding that aging well depends less about trying to be who we were and more about learning how to work with who we are now.

The question for today’s pop-up discussion is this:

• In what ways are you learning to work with your body rather than against it?

My response would be paying attention to the information it’s telling me.

Your turn!

Leave a comment

A few guidelines:

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome!

More often than not, I look for good reasons why I can’t possibly exercise later in the day. I’ve tried many ways to find something to like - running, joining a fitness club, using the exercise room at my apartment complex, hiring a personal trainer, playing pickleball, and taking exercise classes. Nothing excites me.

My best solution lately has been walking with a friend and practicing Qigong, which incorporates mindfulness, exercise, and breathing, but even that’s a struggle. Be that as it may, everything I read confirms the value of exercise for older adults - within their capabilities that is.

The words of Dr. Howard Luks, orthopedic surgeon and author, ring in my mind. “Every time we choose comfort over effort, we weaken the very system built to protect us, our body, and mind.” He says

• Movement is medicine.

• Discipline is armor.

• Don’t let laziness be the slow, silent injury that steals our strength.

• Get up, move, push forward.

Experts say that older adults need movement for maintaining independence, physical health, and mental well-being. It improves our strength and flexibility, and reduces the risk of chronic disease. Regular exercise may even help prevent falls, maintain independence, and support brain health.

What I Found:

• My body can’t do the same activities I did two or three years ago like hike five miles, or get up off the floor gracefully. Now when I exercise, worries pop up: Is my heart going to be okay? Will I hurt my knees? Is my stomach going to hold out? So, I’m having to adjust my expectations and my approach.

Experts say our exercise programs change with age due to decreased muscle mass, reduced nerve signaling, slower brain processing, and impaired coordination, which can lead to reduced speed, strength, and balance.

They also note that regular physical activity may help older adults reduce age-related decline, improve mobility, and maintain independence. As part of an active lifestyle, older adults should include various exercises. Even small amounts of activity throughout the day matter.

What I Found:

• I get bored doing the same exercises day after day.

• What works better is exercising in segments: do some stretches, feed the cats, then practice a couple of Qigong routines. Also, exercising with a partner helps.

• Household chores are part of my exercise routine - getting down and up from a low chair or the floor takes effort. It’s awkward, and laughable, but it’s exercise.

• I firmly believe in the adage “if we don’t use it, we lose it.” Even missing exercise for a couple of days tends to make a difference.

Experts say there are benefits to exercising for those with chronic conditions. However, existing health issues can affect our ability to engage in regular physical activity. The goal is to be as active as our bodies and circumstances safely allow us to be. They further admit that facilities and equipment can be costly, and concerns about the risk of injury, or the possibility of falling are valid.

What I Found:

• There are numerous free television and YouTube programs to support our exercise routine.

• Many websites have programs to help older adults maintain a healthy lifestyle.

• Items around the house could become exercise equipment - cans of soup make good weights, and a tennis ball against the wall works well for massaging the back.

• The challenge is getting myself to use them.

Movement can be seen as reflecting a willingness to continue meeting life as we are, rather than mourning who we once were. Even small amounts may help us restore a sense of steadiness and participation in our lives.

My question for you this week: How well is your exercise plan working for you?

Leave a comment

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Two realizations have come as quite a shock lately. The first is that many of my so-called problems were caused by earlier choices of mine and the second is that responsibility for my actions also requires me to consider their impact beforehand, like when I chose not to fix the broken chair leg properly, and had to buy a new one, or when I mistakenly deleted my password list and had to reconstruct a new one.

The connection between choices and problems seems to be a matter of shifting our focus from a belief that says life happens to us to one that says our choices and actions play a role.

Moreover, being accountable or responsible for the consequences of our actions allows us to learn from mistakes, make better decisions for the future, and build emotional resilience, even when the immediate choices are challenging.

This shift in thinking may allow us to transform from helpless recipients of circumstances to active agents contributing to our future in various ways. It may even allow us to stop waiting for others to act, turn difficulties into opportunities, and make more thoughtful choices.

Experts Suggest that aging well and maintaining our quality of life in the later years isn’t about controlling what happens, but about how we participate, given the inevitable losses and constraints that arise. Not everything is under our control, but we do have influence. Our choices might be fewer or different, but they’re meaningful.

What I’m Finding:

• I always saw myself as making sensible, ethical, and trustworthy decisions regarding my actions, but didn’t always consider the outcomes. One that comes to mind: My husband made it clear that he would not want a funeral service when he died. His death occurred during COVID, so, we had a small family lunch to celebrate his life. I didn’t consider that out of town relatives would be disappointed they were not included. We could have easily arranged that through FaceTime or Zoom, which may have been a more thoughtful decision.

• I’m able to manage the physical demands of loss and aging fairly well, but less successful when dealing with the emotions involved. A better plan might be to honestly acknowledge my feelings, learn more about the emotional effects of loss and aging, be more compassionate with myself, or maybe join a support group.

Experts Say that even though life deals us challenges, we still have choices in terms of how we respond emotionally, how we interpret those events, the words we say to ourselves, what we focus on, and how we use our energy.

What I’m Finding:

• I was unprepared for the outcomes my choices produced such as my self-talk becoming more negative, my general mood changing, and my life seemingly less meaningful.

• Not every aspect of aging is within our control, but we can choose to approach ourselves with frustration or kindness - for me, that continues to be a work in progress.

Experts Say that we can stop being victims by taking responsibility and practicing self-care, saying no, and educating ourselves.

What I’m Finding:

• A need to please others and a loss of self-confidence caused me to distrust myself and tended to keep me from being as responsible as I wanted.

• There was little time for self-care and compassion. I was too busy coping with the realities of the moment. Be that as it may, both are important priorities.

• Similarly, dealing with daily issues left little time and energy for educating myself, which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a useful undertaking.

When we recognize that loss and aging are physical and emotional, we can begin making sensible choices regarding both our bodies and feelings.

While it’s sometimes painful to admit that we have a role in situations, it does give us control over what comes next.

My question for you is this: How are your choices treating you?

Leave a comment

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

One loss I’ve been experiencing more the past year has been confidence in my body. It’s time to face facts: the body I live in really doesn’t do what it used to. Activities that were easy and automatic require more thought, effort, and adjustment today, a fact which tends to impact me emotionally as well.

Experts say rebuilding confidence in an aging body involves shifting our focus from limitations to capabilities through consistent, gentle physical activity like walking, tai chi, and strength training, cultivating a positive mindset, and embracing self-care.

They also discuss our need for emotional resilience - adapting to physical decline by maintaining social connections, staying active, and fostering a positive, purposeful mindset.

What I’m finding:

• Shifting focus is all well and good. However, doing so doesn’t relieve the frustration and discouragement that arises when I get tired more quickly, make mistakes I never use to make, and no longer confidently walk as far I did - new worries come to mind: can my knees manage, will I see the curbs clearly, or is my stomach going to be okay.

• Practicing self-compassion is also a good idea, but not always easy. Intellectually, I understand the reason and need to do so, but resentment and impatience tend to show up as well.

• Adapting routines to prioritize what's best for functioning and joy makes sense, but I enjoyed the life I had, and really didn’t want it to change.

Experts note that key strategies include cultivating gratitude, engaging in cognitive stimulation, managing stress through mindfulness, seeking support to maintain a high quality of life despite the challenges, and setting small, achievable goals.

What I’m finding:

• I’m grateful and know how really fortunate I am. I read and write daily, have plenty of support, and manage to achieve small and large goals. That works - to a degree.

• At the same time, I’m exploring additional ways to provide quality of life at this age - particularly in terms of managing stress.

• A major contributor to my loss of confidence has to do with technology - my fingers have a tough time typing on my iPhone, and after having eye surgery for a detached retina my eyes play games in terms of double vision and not seeing quite as clearly.
  I’ve adjusted and do what I can, but both facts add to self-doubt. There is also a lack of knowledge about devices and technology in general, which suggests making a greater effort to learn how to use them effectively.

Experts recommend that, to regain confidence, we must remind ourselves of our capabilities, address the obstacles that keep us from feeling confident, and work around them.

What I’m finding:

• I want to focus more on ways to appreciate what I’m doing rather than being so angry at what I can’t do. I may not be able to walk as far or climb hills, but I’m a much better writer and I’m learning more about technology every day.

• Dressing nicely every morning even when I’m not going anywhere allows me to feel better about myself.

• I want to be at peace with who I am today, which may include changing my expectations of what is now honestly manageable.

• It’s possible that my tight shoulders and upset stomach are signs of stress that wewren’t fully processed mentally or emotionally.

• It’s easy to focus on the physical signs of aging - joint stiffness and easily bruised skin are hard to overlook, conversely it may be just as easy to ignore that a loss of mobility or changes in physical appearance affect how we feel.

Research says that most older adults enjoy high levels of affective well-being and emotional stability into their 70s and 80s.

What I’m Finding:

• This has not been true for me. The last ten years have been filled with stress and worry with four years of caregiving, another four years of building a new life after my husband died, and now the added stress of an aging body and changing times.

• The toll on my emotional well-being is something I work with daily. However, memories, feelings, and doubts pop up regularly, which in turn can affect my physical health.

Question for the comments:

What small shift would help you have more confidence in your body right now?

My answer and goal would be to acknowledge the normal changes in my body as I get older and adjust accordingly, while treating myself with the same kindness, care, and understanding I’d show a good friend who was experiencing them.

Leave a comment

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Subscribe now

The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the Aging Well Newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.

This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.

You can buy the book here

Over the past three weeks, we’ve talked about the stress we create for ourselves without realizing it, the fear of becoming dependent and irrelevant, and the dread we often feel when navigating the healthcare system.

While those topics seem to be quite different on the surface, they share a common underlying thread: the way we relate to ourselves matters.

As we grow older, we encounter situations that tend to challenge our self-view. Physical changes, loss, uncertainty, and increased dependence may affect our sense of identity and swamp us. What often makes these experiences more difficult is not the changes, but how they influence us.

We may not be able to control all the aspects of aging or the healthcare system, but we can control how we speak to ourselves, prepare ourselves, steady ourselves, and remain engaged with our lives, which then plays an important role in shaping the quality of our experience.

Our Pop-up discussion question for today’s is this:

• How is my relationship with myself shaping the way I respond to this stage of life?

Leave a comment

A few guidelines:

• Comments remain friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome! Ready?

How do we want to be when involved with the healthcare system, whether it be a doctor's visit, a hospital stay, surgery, or figuring out insurance claims?

It’s easy to focus on the external factors—the doctors, the diagnoses, and the decisions being made. But over time, we might notice that something else plays an important role: how we relate to ourselves in general, and how it applies in those situations.

Moments of uncertainty, dependency, or feeling overlooked can quietly intensify stress and erode our sense of control. Yet it’s often our relationship with ourselves—how we prepare, respond, and remain grounded—that determines whether we move through them with confusion and fear or with clarity and dignity.

My plan has been to find other ways - and that’s worked well so far, but what if my best attempts aren’t enough and I must use those services? Maybe, it would be wise to prepare for such an eventuality.

Experts warn to watch for red flags such as feeling ignored, interrupted, or rushed, having our concerns dismissed, sensing a lack of empathy; and encountering unprofessionalism or refusals to explain treatment options.

What I’m Finding:

• In some cases, those worries are valid, particularly when a lack of empathy and dismissing of concerns are involved.

• However, I always thought “they” knew best and didn’t question their decisions. I plan to be much better prepared now.

Experts suggest that we prepare for a doctor's appointment or hospital stay by bringing a list of medications, medical records, insurance cards, and a prioritized list of questions.

What I’m Finding:

• I’m realizing how much self-induced stress I’ve created regarding such circumstances. I haven’t taken the time and energy to create the lists, document and research concerns, or establish a relationship with a primary care physician.

• When in fact, completing those activities just might reduce the stress, support me in being as independent as possible for as long as possible, and help me preserve my dignity in settings where it could get lost.

Experts explain that the healthcare system will always have complexities, and there will be moments when we feel uncertain, dependent, or out of our depth. These experiences are real and can’t be entirely avoided. But they don’t have to define us either.

What I’m Finding:

• If I’m well-prepared and have a working relationship with a doctor, I might be more comfortable as a patient.

• However, I still question whether or not the professional would have time for such a relationship or if I can trust them completely.

• Listening to my body and intuition typically could add important information.

• Using positive self-talk and encouraging rather than scaring myself would also be helpful.

The way we relate to ourselves—how we prepare, how we respond, and how we remain grounded—can help us move through such situations with greater clarity and a steadier sense of who we are. In that sense, navigating healthcare is not only about managing the system, but about maintaining our dignity and exercising our agency within it.

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, forward this email and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for over five years and recently published the book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year Old.

Before my husband died, being a burden to others or no longer being needed never occurred to me. We were a team - solved problems, played, and made decisions together. Once I was on my own, those concerns quickly rose to the surface.

Fear of dependency and irrelevance is a deeply rooted anxiety stemming from a threat to a person’s sense of self-worth, purpose, and autonomy. It’s often tied to major life transitions, such as aging, career changes, shifts in family dynamics, and the death of a spouse or partner. Furthermore, childhood experiences and societal pressures typically play a role.

Fear of dependency - Also known as “counter-dependency,” this fear includes resisting the need to rely on others, even when it makes sense to do so. The fear is that we’ll become a burden.

It’s said that when a person grows up with overbearing parents or in an environment where their needs are not met, they may come to believe it’s not safe to trust.

What I’m Finding:

• My parents were micromanagers; my physical needs were well met, my emotional ones not as much. Trust has been a nagging issue for a long time, but especially since being on my own.

Professionals say that societies emphasizing self-reliance may view seeking help as a sign of weakness. Older adults may perceive their lives as being less valuable, putting them at risk for depression and social isolation.

What I’m Finding:

• I didn’t want my children to go through what we did as my husband struggled with dementia and COVID. I was a psychologist, and thought I could handle it by myself. Wrong!

• I was not sufficiently prepared, and in hindsight, I’d handle things differently - be more assertive, ask more questions, and take better care of myself.

• That experience became the basis for the newsletter - a place for me to share what I’d learned with others.

They further claim those fears can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression, distorting a person’s sense of value.

What I’m Finding:

• Before my husband’s death, I had confidence - but the confidence was in us as a team, and the knowledge he had my back. I still haven’t developed that level of confidence in myself - yet.

Fear of irrelevance - often involves feeling undervalued and insignificant, and concerns that our presence or skills no longer matter, particularly as older adults. One remedy may be doing more of what we enjoy and do best.

Experts identify three possible reasons.

• Aging: As people age, declining health and societal ageism may contribute, particularly in Western cultures that tend to revere youth.

• The workplace: The rapid pace of technological change, especially with the rise of automation and artificial intelligence, is a significant source of anxiety for workers who fear their skills will become obsolete.

• Changes in life roles: Major life transitions, such as retirement or children leaving home, often trigger this fear because our sense of identity can be deeply tied to one’s former role.

What I’m Finding:

• My fears seem to be driven by aging and changing life roles.

• We were fortunate to live next door to our grandsons for nine years. We saw them daily and were involved in their lives. Our older grandson lived with us while he was in college. They’re now grown men with families and careers; who no longer live next door or visit as often. I’m surprised at how much I miss them and those special times.

Those in the know suggest that older adults stay engaged and flexible in their lives by learning new skills and embracing change.

What I’m Finding:

• Being flexible and embracing change is much easier said than done. Many long-held habits and beliefs are firmly entrenched.

Professionals suggest focusing on contributions beyond traditional work after retirement. Volunteering, hobbies, or mentoring can provide a continued sense of meaning.

What I’m Finding:

• A key seems to be having a sense of meaning - a reason to get up in the morning. Volunteering and hobbies don’t do that for me as much as mentoring does.

Furthermore, they suggest cultivating healthy relationships and engaging in community activities to combat isolation and foster a sense of belonging. Learning to ask trusted friends and family for help can reduce the fear of being a burden.

What I’m finding:

• I get together regularly with family and friends, face-to-face and online, but also cherish my alone time.

• Permitting myself to ask for help remains a challenge. I’ve always been the giver - it’s difficult to ask for help.

Finally experts encourage older adults to treat themselves with kindness and understanding - recognizing that everyone experiences struggles may help shift our negative self-talk.

What I’m Finding:

• Treating myself as if I were my best friend remains a work in progress.

Something to think about! Where in our lives do we still feel useful, connected, or valued?

I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on SubStack for five years and recently published the book, An Insider’s Guide to Aging - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-old.

After my husband died, the need to do things perfectly increased dramatically, and my expectations of what I planned to manage were overwhelming - basically, my goal was to continue what we were doing by myself - a goal that was unrealistic and led to a great deal of negative self-talk. My body was also naturally aging, and the changes were noticeable, which added to the pressure I put on myself.

Experts say that self-induced stress occurs when internal factors like perfectionism, worry, and unrealistic expectations, lead to mental and physical strain - that’s in addition to the external stressors that regularly occur.

Self-imposed stress is often caused by how we interpret situations, and frequently results in anxiety, fatigue, and chronic health issues like high blood pressure. Conversely, chronic health issues and high blood pressure can cause mental and emotional stress.

Such pressure can be exacerbated by inadequate sleep, poor diet, and procrastination, which tend to increase our emotional reactivity.

What I’m finding:

• Today, my exercise routine is modified. I used to run 5K races and climb hills. Now I walk daily on flat ground - 3.5 miles last weekend, though, with ease - and climb stairs.

• My goal is to eat healthy meals and drink plenty of water, but we know how our best-laid plans can go astray.

• Night sweats disrupt a good night’s sleep, as do trips to the bathroom, worry, and a cat who wants to snuggle incredibly close - all night.

• I don’t procrastinate as much because I’ve found that getting bothersome tasks out of the way relieves anxiety.

Experts say that proactive habits for managing self-induced stress include mindfulness meditation, journaling, and setting healthy boundaries, such as limiting screen time and saying "no" to nonessential tasks. Other effective habits include prioritizing tasks to avoid feeling overwhelmed, fostering social connections, and practicing gratitude daily to shift focus away from stressors.

What I’m finding:

• I journal, practice Qigong (which includes mindfulness, exercise, and breathing), and walk.

• I listen to the news less and participate minimally on social media; instead, I watch YouTube landscape and music videos - oh and baseball games in season.

• I’m eternally grateful for what I have and for everyone who supports me.

• At times, I’m overwhelmed by the demands of managing life by myself.

Experts say that reducing self-induced stress involves managing expectations, reframing negative thoughts, and setting healthy boundaries. Key strategies include practicing self-compassion, learning to say "no" to avoid overload, prioritizing tasks, and limiting social media.

What I’m finding:

• Increased stomach distress and headaches seem to indicate that my health is being affected - and I’m not doing enough to manage it.

• There are improvements - some self-compassion, saying no a bit more, and focusing on being my coach rather than my critic - yet, there is room for continued improvement.

My stress seems to boil down to three factors: an unrealistic need to do things perfectly, worry about everything, and negative self-talk. If I want to experience overall well-being and happiness at my age, I’d be smart to keep on finding more powerful management tools.

My next steps include:

• Increased self-compassion - reminding myself of what I’ve accomplished during the last ten years.

• I’d say stop the negative self-talk, but that’s unrealistic; maybe a better option is using positive self-talk more often. Not trying to change the old habit, but creating a strong new one.

• I’ve read about energy being the new currency, so I’m choosing to spend mine wisely.

• Honoring the worries, doing what I can about them, and letting them go as the Serenity Prayer suggests.

My question for you is this: How much do you stress yourself?

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

So, feel free to forward this email to a friend or family member and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

Subscribe now

Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.

Over time, readers asked whether these reflections might someday be gathered into a book. I’m writing today to let everyone know they can and are.

You inspired me to write The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well: Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-Old. I’m deeply appreciative of your readership, reflections, and willingness to engage thoughtfully with the topics.

The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.

This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.

Learn more about the book

In the last two articles, we’ve touched on topics that seem incredibly important - particularly if we want to enjoy overall well-being and happiness in our older years. I’m referring to the relationship we have with ourselves and letting go of the person we were to make room for the person we can and want to be now.

As a child, I was taught that others knew best about everything, from what clothes I should wear to what decisions I should make. That belief influenced me for years in many ways. So I’d ask their opinion, accede to their wishes, and ignore my intuition more often than not.

However, I’m finding that they - professionals, advertisers, and well-meaning family and friends - may not know what’s best for me after all. They don’t know my body, my values, and my intentions as I do.

I’ve also been surprised by the sadness I’m feeling about activities, long-held habits, and special relationships that are no longer there. So, I’m experimenting with new ways of being based on what is true for me now.

One question we might want to ask ourselves to begin with is: How has my relationship with myself changed as I’ve grown older?

Leave a comment

A few guidelines

• Comments are friendly and supportive.

• I reserve the right to delete posts if necessary.

• I’m no longer a licensed counselor nor am I a medical professional, so I offer no advice, only thoughts based on my experience.

Let’s get started, and welcome!

After my husband died, I wrote about letting go of life as a married woman. Practically, I’ve been successful; emotionally, not so much, given our shared 70-year history and intertwined lives.

It appears there is a similar - maybe larger - challenge to deal with - one I hadn’t considered, but one that is causing anguish lately. As the aging process marches on - despite my best efforts to slow it down - I’m having to let go of who I was and what I could do, to embrace what I can do, rather than continuing to force myself to do things that are now stressful.

For example, I can’t and don’t care to be an online adjunct psychology professor anymore, but I can write a newsletter about aging well, which I love. The same expertise and skills are required; they’re just applied differently.

I suppose that challenge begins with defining what’s true for me today, and acknowledging four important facts.

1. I'd best take excellent care of the body I live in - even more so now.

2. My husband was my rock - he always had my back. Initially, my goal was to be my own rock, but that doesn’t seem possible. I can’t replicate what he provided in terms of safety, love, and support. However, maybe I can advocate for myself to the best of my ability, build a support team, and let them help when needed.

3. I’ve spent a lot of time, too much, truthfully, being angry and frustrated at what my body can no longer do and pushing myself to do things I don’t want to do.

4. The past can provide wonderful memories and lessons that support me now and the woman I’m becoming. The losses remain; there’s no way around it, but maybe the key is to use them as a catalyst for something new.

Experts say the solution is not to rage against the changes, but to relax into them. Acknowledge that we’ve entered a new phase of life, one that’s going to be different from the way we lived before, and look at it as an opportunity for a new adventure.

What I’m finding:

• Raging certainly hasn’t worked, nor has forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do - they only create more stress.

• I have values, beliefs, and experiences that help me formulate something new, but I also have long-held beliefs and habits that hold me back.

• Maybe the key is in adjusting - if it’s something I really want to do - doing it in a way that meets my body’s and my heart’s needs. Case in point: I’d been doing the acrylic landscape paintings for several years, but my hands aren’t as steady, and painting was no longer fun. However, I can use colored pencils much more easily and apply my art skills in a new, challenging, and interesting way.

Experts say that, as an older adult, using the past to build a new future involves a proactive process of repurposing—shifting from a career-focused identity to one based on legacy, passion, and mentorship. This transition may enhance mental health, foster a sense of meaning, and allow us to filter our most valuable life lessons for future generations.

What I’m finding:

• This information rings true for me, and it’s what the newsletter is all about.

• I discovered the term "sage-ing," a way of living in the second half of our lives that can be fulfilling and beneficial.

  • It suggests living our later years creatively and with purpose, harvesting the accumulated wisdom of earlier years, and sharing it with others.

  • Enriching our lives as we expand our own. Sage-ing can empower us to add years to our lives and life to our years.

  • I’m also finding that hobbies, per se, don’t entirely meet that need for me. However, if I switch from acrylic painting to colored-pencil art and send them to friends or include them in the newsletter articles, it does.

Experts say that learning how to see our successes and apply them going forward is priceless. Seeing what you might not have done so well, and what you can do differently in the future, is also priceless. Living in the past doesn’t create an adaptable life. Using the past to help create the future does.

What I’m finding:

• Maybe if I apply my qualities and the lessons I’ve learned in the past to my future, I can create a fulfilling quality of life no matter my age.

A question we might want to ask ourselves is this: What aspects of who we were are we still holding on to—and do they or can they still fit who we are now?

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.

Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and has just published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-Old, which is available on Amazon.