Do I Have To?
Accept Life’s Changes - Guideline 7
Of the 10 guidelines, this one has been the hardest for me - particularly given the following definition.
Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition without attempting to change it or protest it – being at peace with it.
To watch the person I knew and loved for 65 years deteriorate, to see this intelligent, funny man turn into an nasty old one, to take on a role I never wanted, and to start life over as a single woman has not been acceptable. Yes, I can acknowledge the facts but be at peace with them - not so much.
At Home
When Dan was home, I accepted that
he had limitations and I supported him by making sure his choices caused no harm
his brain could handle only one piece of information or task at a time
I had to break everything down into small steps.
we no longer had meaningful conversations and our special jokes and secrets were no longer available to him. Sometimes we had moments of discussion but he quickly forgot them.
So much of our old life was gone and so much was missing in the new one. I accepted that and looked at my realistic options; choosing ones that worked best while not dwelling on what used to be - at least as much as possible.
At the Facility
We had to accept their rules and regulations. Because of COVID, I had to wait weeks to see him. I had to accept that I couldn’t visit him in the hospital or be with him when he died.
Now
Today, acceptance is still a work in progress.
I can acknowledge or recognize the existence of the new situation, but I’m not at peace with the fact that the man I love and who was my rock is gone.
What I can accept is that I’m managing, life is good, and I wish he were here.
I would be better prepared for this eventuality.
Guideline 8 discusses Choosing Wisely.
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Acceptance is hard, if not impossible, and maybe that's not really the goal. I can't imagine going through what you went through with your dear Dan, but I'm getting some idea from the things you write here. My Ed was going downhill for more than a year and I sensed the end for him was near, yet when it happened I wasn't prepared and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I've had to accept that it happened but I don't have to believe any of it was fair. It wasn't. It isn't.
Your growth since your Dan died inspires me. I'm grateful that you're writing out your feelings. I know how hard that is, how painful it can be, but holding it all inside would be even worse. And your words are a comfort to so many of us who are going through similar painful challenges.
Take care, my friend. Remember the days you cherished with him. They lasted much longer than those awful days--and they'll stay with you much longer.
Our rational brain understands the word 'final', but our emotional brain can't process it. Do you have to heal from a lifetime that brought you joy for so long and then sadness? Do you have to accept because people say you should? I don't know the answers. I imagine that, little by little, day by day, you will discover them for yourself. At least, I would wish that for you.