Responding To Emotions

Rather Than Reacting

Photo by Yoori Koo on Unsplash

During all of the changes in my life over the past eight years, I've been relatively unsuccessful in managing my emotions.

I was angry and resentful about Dan’s experiences at the hospital and memory care facility when I wanted to be assertive and calm.

I was annoyed with his constant, repetitive questions when I wanted to be loving and understand that his behavior was part of a disease over which he had no control.

I was afraid to make decisions and do things by myself after he died when I wanted to be confident and take charge.

Today, sadness looms when I want to appreciate and enjoy the good in my life.

I recently read about Dr. Susan David, the African psychologist, author, and speaker, and the concept of emotional agility thanks to an article in the Carers Mentor newsletter. Dr. David offers three concepts I want to understand better and experiment with: emotional agility, emotional needs, and walking your why.

These concepts aren’t new, but she presents them in a way that sheds more light on ways to think about and manage emotions.

Emotional Agility is the ability to stop oneself from automatically reacting to emotions and, instead, choose how to respond - accepting and using them as information rather than trying to change them.

This video offers a brief introduction.

So, Emotional agility is the ability to be accurate and take action based on values and strength.

To be accurate, she suggests that people

1. Label the emotions using honest, specific language to describe them.

2. Accept them compassionately, permitting oneself to feel, struggle, and fail.

3. View them objectively, using mindfulness to handle present emotions and journaling to handle past ones.

4. Choose the values - Ask what life they’d pursue if no obstacles or stress existed.

Like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the pyramid below illustrates psychological or mental requirements vital to our well-being and connectedness.

In the Emotional Pyramid of Needs, Dr. David offers six steps to deal with the reality of a person’s present and subsequent emotions. These steps can make a person more resilient and strong.

Briefly, the steps are as follows.

• Acceptance is the prerequisite to change. As Dr. Phil, the television personality and author, says, you can’t accept what you don’t acknowledge.

• Cultivating Compassion, forgiveness, flexibility, and non-judgment for the self and others.

• Create pockets of Routine and let go of what you can’t control.

• Connection and relationships are essential for well-being.

• Find the Courage to make habits out of actions that reflect personal values.

• Pay attention to what you learn while going through the steps, let the information guide you forward, and Reset.

• Each step leads to Wisdom.

Walking Your Why refers to people knowing their values and moving toward them. Dr. David explains the concept well in this short video.

There is a high price to pay when avoiding emotions. Three approaches can help someone better understand them: broadening one’s vocabulary, noting the emotion’s intensity, and writing in a journal.

In the post, Listening to Me, I discussed listening to our intuition and bodies; emotional agility is another way.

I want to begin my experiment with the concepts - as I understand them - by using Dr. David’s suggestions of bringing accuracy to my emotions; perhaps it can be helpful in my quest to age well. I’ll let you know!!

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