After my husband died, life changed dramatically, and I had to make numerous tough choices and decisions. What surprised me was how often I reverted to old habits and ways of being rather than picking new ones. It was easier, safer, and allowed me to hide in my comfort zone a while longer.
Choosing involves examining options and selecting the better or best path. Our personal values, goals, and potential consequences of each guide them. It's a fundamental aspect of life, shaping our journey and impacting our future.
Even though I’ve written about the topic many times, each year I understand their influence more deeply. My goal is to age well. In that case, I must consistently make choices that support it, in terms of physical wellness and overall well-being - selecting salads over cheeseburgers, exercise over watching TV, and doing things that give me a break from constantly focusing on my “have to” list.
Choices determine our outcomes, and we always have options - even doing nothing is a choice. What exacerbates the problem is making a series of them that hinder progress toward our identified objective, like deciding to skip exercising for a couple of days or convincing ourselves that we’ve earned a butterscotch sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top after having a difficult day.
So, I’ve begun examining mine in terms of their consequences and what I want for the future - a new approach for me.
Experts say three common types of choices determine our outcomes and decisions: thoughts, feelings, and actions. That seemed like a good place to start.
1. THOUGHTS
We have two basic sets of voices to deal with bouncing around in our heads: our inner voice and voices that come from other people or external voices like family, friends, and professionals.
Our inner voice can be a critic or a coach, a negative or positive force. The critic is a judgmental voice that undermines our confidence and self-worth, often focusing on flaws and mistakes. In contrast, the coach serves as a supportive and encouraging voice, offering guidance, motivation, and strategies.
My inner voice has been a loud critic, and I’m working diligently to listen more often to my kinder, supportive inner coach.
Outer voices are considered more dangerous because they make us believe our only alternative is to listen to them. This also applies to the voices of authority, such as a boss, teacher, or doctor. However, it’s up to us to accept their inputs.
Those external voices have reigned in my life for years; now I’m listening to myself more closely.
2. FEELINGS
For the most part, we choose our feelings when we decide what to focus on. Take the word failure for example.
The most common definition of that word is not meeting an expectation or achieving a desired objective.
However, if we approach a so-called failure with a positive attitude and a perspective of growth, we allow ourselves to turn it into a success. Every perceived failure, then, is an opportunity to adapt and change the way we do things, leading to a better result in the future.
Thomas Edison had the right idea when he said, “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work. One emotional door closed and another opened—it’s our call.
I don’t think in terms of failure, more in terms of mistakes - however, the message is the same. I’m better served to focus on lessons learned rather than errors made.
3. ACTIONS
Our thoughts and feelings compete to give orders to our body. The challenge is not to let negative thoughts or feelings sabotage its ability to persevere.
It’s our choice to exercise our bodies, put healthy food in our mouths, and decide how much sleep we get. It’s not complicated, but it can be challenging to remain consistent when we're distracted for various reasons.
I’ve been moving out of my comfort zone lately, making decisions that balance my inner voice with the external voices, supporting my feelings, and taking actions that help me move in the direction of my goal. This approach remains a work in progress - but I firmly believe old dogs really can learn new tricks.
Things to consider on the path to aging well.
I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I learned through the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.
So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:
Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.
Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written over 300 articles for SubStack since she discovered it in 2021.
Every perceived failure is an opportunity to adapt and change the way we do things, leading to a better result in the future.
For years, I volunteered as kitchen help at a center to help young people with homelessness, joblessness, and other problems. That is, until I began to be unable to do so regularly. So I gracefully retired. This was right for me as well as for the facility, as I wasn't dependable. I did my best and, when my best couldn't get the job done, I let the rest of the world take over that one thing. I feel good about it and have no regrets.