A previous article discussed caregiving and loneliness—the loneliness of the caregiver and the person being cared for. I’m talking about something very different.
This is so beautiful, Janice. I love the ending especially: "...writing the newsletter has helped the most. As I write about him, he is with me - somehow."
You’re so right, Janice…we go about our days all happy and busy… but we are never completely whole. Eleven years and the missing-ness never goes away. Part of my being is missing something… like a phantom limb …because he’s gone. I couldn’t save him creeps in too. Thank you for this…shining a light on thisaloneness! Well said! Much love and hugs as you carry on! 💔🤗🥰💕
Janice, I was just reading a story in the NYT earlier about loneliness, and it basically said that teenagers and older adults suffer the most from it. That's without factoring in the grief factor or the lass of a spouse/partner factor. I hope in time it gets easier for you. Grief takes it own time. Sending a hug your way.
"I have pictures and a few of his belongings in the apartment. However, writing the newsletter has helped the most. As I write about him, he is with me - somehow." I am with you here, Janice. As long as I keep writing my mother's story, she is still very present. Until my mom died, I had no understanding, really, of what death was. As you say, the finality of it. No do-overs, no extra minutes, EVER. It has been hard to bear, but it is near,y seven years now and is getting better. Thanks for all you do for us who grieve.
Hi Sharron, That is it exactly. I've said it before, but my parents died and it was okay - we weren't that close. My brother died and I miss him, but it is not the same. With Dan, as you say no do-overs, wished I would have's, no more hugs -EVER!!
It's been 14 years since my partner passed away. I've been through the stages you describe. I don't feel that sense of imbalance, my left side ripped open I felt in the first couple of years. I am a whole person again. I walked myself whole through long-distance hiking. I still have days/moments when I feel the deep loneliness that cannot be filled with family, FaceTime visits, friends and activities. Writing has been a way to recreate the intimacy that I lost. Being in nature for extended periods lets me feel part of the whole. A new partner hasn't shown up in my life and I don't expect it to happen at my age. I move forward with awareness and acceptance.
Thank you for this! I loved the year-by-year breakdown… probably during Year #1 people looked at you & said “she’s coping so well!” In reality, you hadn’t yet started. Big hugs to you!
Janice, My heart is with you on this journey of grief and loss. I won't have that experience since I'm divorced. I did feel a tremendous loss of connection after the divorce, not exactly loneliness. but a loss for sure.
Janice, I've seen similiar patterns with others who have lost spouses. Thank you for offering your perspective and expertise. I am going to share this with several friends.
A previous article discussed caregiving and loneliness—the loneliness of the caregiver and the person being cared for. I’m talking about something very different.
This is so beautiful, Janice. I love the ending especially: "...writing the newsletter has helped the most. As I write about him, he is with me - somehow."
You’re so right, Janice…we go about our days all happy and busy… but we are never completely whole. Eleven years and the missing-ness never goes away. Part of my being is missing something… like a phantom limb …because he’s gone. I couldn’t save him creeps in too. Thank you for this…shining a light on thisaloneness! Well said! Much love and hugs as you carry on! 💔🤗🥰💕
Hi Joan, It's true, some part of me is missing - and at this point I don't see how that could change.
It won’t probably, imo. I have a guy in my life now, but it’s not the same…companionship yes… but doesn’t fill the hole/the other half of me.
That’s what I’m thinking.
Janice, I was just reading a story in the NYT earlier about loneliness, and it basically said that teenagers and older adults suffer the most from it. That's without factoring in the grief factor or the lass of a spouse/partner factor. I hope in time it gets easier for you. Grief takes it own time. Sending a hug your way.
Hi Pamela, Thank you. So true! Grief does seem to take it's own time.
I think in some ways it stays with us forever. We never really stop missing that person.
Pamela, I think it does. Maybe it gets lighter, but maybe not. /so far, it's a not.
It gets lighter... 💫
"I have pictures and a few of his belongings in the apartment. However, writing the newsletter has helped the most. As I write about him, he is with me - somehow." I am with you here, Janice. As long as I keep writing my mother's story, she is still very present. Until my mom died, I had no understanding, really, of what death was. As you say, the finality of it. No do-overs, no extra minutes, EVER. It has been hard to bear, but it is near,y seven years now and is getting better. Thanks for all you do for us who grieve.
Hi Sharron, That is it exactly. I've said it before, but my parents died and it was okay - we weren't that close. My brother died and I miss him, but it is not the same. With Dan, as you say no do-overs, wished I would have's, no more hugs -EVER!!
It's been 14 years since my partner passed away. I've been through the stages you describe. I don't feel that sense of imbalance, my left side ripped open I felt in the first couple of years. I am a whole person again. I walked myself whole through long-distance hiking. I still have days/moments when I feel the deep loneliness that cannot be filled with family, FaceTime visits, friends and activities. Writing has been a way to recreate the intimacy that I lost. Being in nature for extended periods lets me feel part of the whole. A new partner hasn't shown up in my life and I don't expect it to happen at my age. I move forward with awareness and acceptance.
Thank you so much for this essay, Janice.
You're so right - the loss of a life partner is a different sort of loss. I recently wrote an essay on this and termed it the loss of 'us-ness'.
I'm four and a half years in and I recognise so much of the journey you describe.
Sending you solidarity and wishing your strength for this difficult path.
Here is my 'us-ness' essay if you'd like to read it: https://jackiedaly.substack.com/p/griefs-fingerprint-is-shaped-by-love
Thank you for this! I loved the year-by-year breakdown… probably during Year #1 people looked at you & said “she’s coping so well!” In reality, you hadn’t yet started. Big hugs to you!
Pretty much that was the case. I even fooled myself for a while.
I feel your pain. Big hugs. x
Hi Cali, I know that you do.
Janice, My heart is with you on this journey of grief and loss. I won't have that experience since I'm divorced. I did feel a tremendous loss of connection after the divorce, not exactly loneliness. but a loss for sure.
Hi Sandra, I can imagine there would be a great deal of loss after a divorce.
Janice, I've seen similiar patterns with others who have lost spouses. Thank you for offering your perspective and expertise. I am going to share this with several friends.
Hi Tracy, I really had no idea that losing my husband would entail so many other losses.