Experts say that Positive self-perceptions are associated with better physical and cognitive health, increased longevity, and a higher quality of life. Negative self-perceptions can lead to poorer health outcomes and a lower quality of life. They suggest that our self-perception may change as we age. What do you think and what might you recommend doing about it?
I love all these stories and you are all incredible. A fun read is Face by Justine Bateman . It is mainly about women’s connection to vanity , so worth the read . I struggle with accepting my aging face and body weekly. So glad I found this positive newsletter
At 67, my self image is stronger and more positive than ever. Do I have the energy I had? Do I have the energy I think I have? Nope. 4 years in recovery have helped me become the person I am meant to be: loving wife and grandmother, loyal trusted friend. I’ve begun drawing and painting. I take long walks with my best boy most days. Some days I simply nap away. I’m taking a Spanish class at my alma mater this term. I’ve embraced fasting and have better nutrition and mental clarity than ever before. My husband and I are having the best time of our lives together after years of conflict. Got my first tattoo at 62. Got a few more since. I fearlessly look into the mirror every day and love who I see. I’m grateful to have outlived the personal hell of addiction, my self doubt, body dysmorphia, and fear. I’m having the time of my life while fight to save our democracy and rebuild better for my grandsons. Never better. Deeply, madly grateful for my life, every single day of it.
Oh yes! I have come from a very vain family on my Dad’s side. On Christmas Eve I had a planned surgery on my right hand. I had ordered new glasses that would be ready after New Year.
I felt useless without my right hand. I couldn’t do all the regular things one does like shower without help. No make up. No hair. I was taken to get my new glasses a week after surgery. OMG! Not only could I not do things like usual, after I put the glasses on I was an old wrinkled human. What had happened to my face. Those old glasses had saved me from the truth.
I care for a man that is 25 years older than I am. A delightful person who is 95. I am completely responsible for everything since his children pay me they don’t have to think about anything to do with him. Hear nothing. See nothing. Do nothing. AT ALL. The people I needed to interact with, would see the cast on my hand and call me Mrs “Smith”. Even before surgery, I was mistaken for his wife. I was humiliated to think that is what others thought until I got my new glasses. Remember I came from a family that fought the look of age with a baseball bat. No one including my grandmother or my two aunts that were nuns were ever old.
It has been very hard since January to even think of what age can do. I have been lucky to have a very healthy mother that lives on her own and does almost everything for herself. She is 93 and is sharp as a tack. She looks like she could be 80. My reference has always been that I am so much younger and able, than the people I have cared for over the last 28 years, I never thought I would be in this position.
Now the doctors say “Well for your age…”
It is a very new world and it has only just begun.
I need two new knees, and surgery on a nerve in my leg that hurts so bad. I care for others not need care for me. Even if just for a few days.
Now the hard work comes. Yes, I am 70 years old. I must accept that is the truth.
I must work so hard not to be ashamed of what has happened. I thought between Christmas and New Year I got old. I must think differently. I have a son that is 43. How could I be 50. I have the pleasure of 2 delightful grandchildren. I am not 35. I can still work all day, but yes I am tired and don’t feel like going out in the evening. As far as things around the house, no I don’t have the balance to climb the ladder and prune the trees or lift the heavy packages like I use to. I now must work to make it ok.
Hi Susan, That's the trick, I think - working to make it ok - because aging does bring inevitable and unfixable change. Acceptance or at least acknowledgement of that fact allows us to make decisions about 'what now - given that."
yeh, I'll be 68 in couple months. Even up until early 60s, people would regularly see would say stuff like 'you are looking good!' (always thought it was a compliment, who knows?) or something like that. Couple weeks ago, I saw my 'little sister' (ten year difference) who I haven't seen since 1989....She did not say anything about my appearance (no I didn't wear makeup except tinted lip balm, but I combed my hair, put on a nice shirt, I exercise regularly, moisturize, etc) except I notice that she studied me, whenever there was a lapse in conversation. I guess she has always thought of me the way I looked when we last saw each other. My oldest daughter came to visit (we were estranged for 15 years) and she also didn't say anything about my appearance. I saw a picture someone took of all of us that day, and I said 'yikes!'... I don't think I'm vain, but I am curious how I am 'doing' compared to other women my age. Many women in this town don't exercise or even walk, and have health issues. I am always self conscious. I know that the 'non vain' thing to do is say 'screw it' and just be the best I can be, not for anyone else, but for me. I mean, what is the 'standard' for someone in our age range? I don't want to look 20, 30, 40 or 50s, but I do want to look the best I can. I don't take any meds (yet, and hope not to), so I do know how you feel. I guess the answer is 'do what you think is good for you' but sheesh, wish we weren't so judged by our looks. I am invisible. It's ok, guess it has it's advantages.... my things I like to do are the same as when I was younger- some kind of exercise, my dogs, just got back into sketching after years of not, have a 35 year old parrot that keeps me busy. I am also a convert to plant based eating; it helped me drop cholesterol and also some other stuff that hung over my head like a cloud. Chopping veggies keeps you busy, too.
I have quite a positive perception of my physical and mental health. I was surprised that my leg strength and grip strength are not as good as I thought. I realise my ability to step up higher than a normal step has decreased over the past few years. I can easily climb steps and hold a heavy frying pan to tip out dinner. I don’t despair. I have started doing step ups every time I go for a walk and also dead hangs. I was shocked that I couldn’t hold my weight for even a second. My hands just slipped off the bar immediately. So now I am doing beginner dead hangs every time I go past the gym in the park. I love that there are ways I can reduce the speed at which my body declines. There is so much research on aging now. Old people have quite a lot of control over whether they end up frail and senile. My self perception is that I am aging well even though I can tell that I am ageing. I think I feel good about myself because I am always trying to take charge of the things I can control and not stressing about things I can’t control.
Hi Val, Bravo to you!!!. I was introduced to QiGong in January, and quickly saw how out of shape I was. Muscles that hadn't been used for years were now being asked to step up. I've been practicing almost daily since then and have noticed improvements in my flexibility and mobility.
I agree with you and have proven to myself that older adults have quite a bit of control over whether they end up frail and senile. No, I can't do what I did when I was 40, but I can do a lot more than I could at the beginning of the year. And I plan to stay on that path.
I’m in my early 70s and love to read your newsletter. I’m determined to keep as much strength as possible I hope my mindset work makes me resilient when I have emotional set backs. Qigong is a lovely activity but at present I am doing a slightly more physical routine called Essentrics with Miranda Edmond White. I subscribe to get the routines and I love it. I like how the instructors explain what each move is for physically. It’s great that you feel better as time goes on.
I definitely see myself as "stouter." On a recent video in which I was speaking to the city council about a concern, I said this to my husband. He said that no one sees that but me. I totally believe that positive perspectives are better- but I discovered something this spring that along with my weight gain from turning 60 and quitting smoking....Making it hard for me to get past this perspective of myself. I am a retired teacher with her masters. I am so many things- but this god damned mental image that I "might" have of myself really ticks me off. How do I become the woman I am meant to be without others' approval?
Hi Jean, I am updating my newsletter, which includes a new picture of me. The current one was taken in 2019, but I have changed, and life has changed. So, I will be putting a new picture up soon. It occurs to me that this is a step in changing my self-image.
Yes, I am not a feminine built woman, so I depended on my strong muscles and physical abilities to feel good about myself. I still do strong things like unload hay and dig holes in rocky soil but I do not have the strength I used to have. I can feel that depression. It is pretty terrifying. But I keep doing hard things and also take Zoloft. And just because I take Zoloft does not mean I give up on self awareness. Thank you for this article.
I’m glad you found your way. It’s interesting how our roles in a marriage are also our jobs, labels or talents. Hubby is family tech. I’m analog. I’m working on accepting my physical changes as that’s all I can do. Accept and embrace. I just ordered a book that was recommended to me that I’m looking forward to— No Bad Parts.
Hi, very true about the impact of marriage. I see myself as being a very different person today from the one I was when my husband was alive. I've had to learn some of his role. The book sounds interesting. Let me know what you think?
I am 87 and nearly 4 years into widowhood. Living alone was a big adjustment for me. Caring for my husband in his last 2 years of PD with dementia meant that I dropped a lot of what I used to do as the me I was before my husband died. After David’s death I realised I had to rediscover who I really was underneath and from the inside out. I couldn’t just return to be the person I had been before. I love animals and caring for them. The puppy required me to get up in the morning and maintain a routine during the day. I resumed a closer relationship with my horses. I continued to enjoy the 3 cats I have, two at home and one at the farm. I took up keeping chickens. When the work gets too much I get help, family and paid help. I am fortunate so far to be financially stable. I love reading and writing and sketching and watercolour painting. I have rough patches physically but seem to restabilise with personal care routines. My life and sense of who I am is much more fluid than it has ever been. I am getting used to it! I would love to find an active person of my age to correspond with. My friends are all younger than I am.
Hi Sylvia, I know what you mean about rediscovering who we are underneath. After Dan died, I could not be the person I was any longer. Another aspect for me was that I was on my own for the first time, so this involved significant personal growth. The saving grace for me has been the writing, but I also love painting, reading, and taking care of my plants.
My mother became a hermit in the years since retiring. I have those tendencies and fight them daily. I frequently have to remind myself that I'm strong, capable, and safe.
For everything there is a season, it is said, Lynn. After a certain age, staying home where it is safe and known, where one entertains one's self, is not a bad choice for some. All the things I love in my life now - my books, my music, my writing, my armchair, etc are all here in my quiet little home. I am in my 80s and never feel lonely. I have no desire to go out. And it is okay. Just sharing a thought.
Hi Sharron, Your point is well taken. My favorite place to be is my apartment with the cats these days. I've done my share of get-togethers and traveling - but I feel safest and happiest here.
Janice, I hear you. I love my home time too, and there’s a lot of comfort in being in your own space with the things—and beings—you love. I think my concern with my mom is that she’s lost interest in the things that once brought her joy, and that’s what I’m hoping to avoid for myself.
Sharron, I completely understand—and actually relate to—what you’re saying. I’m an introvert myself and love my alone days to read, write, and just putter around the house. My comment was more about my mother’s extreme isolation—she literally won’t leave the house and spends her days watching TV. Her mind is sharp, but she’s not thriving. I admire that you’ve created a home life that brings you so much joy.
Hi Lynn, Just curious, what do you want to do after you retire? Sometimes people haven't thought about it ahead of time, so they don't know what to do.
Ha! I chuckled when I read this, because I am retired—and definitely not sitting in a rocking chair. I write, train for triathlons, sail, spoil my dog, and get involved with local events. But I also treasure my quiet days at home. For me, it’s about keeping a balance so I don’t tip too far toward isolation.
I agree. I just turned 62, retired, and see bodily changes like sunspots on my arms and a sag under my chin. But I also just signed a contract for my debut novel, so I have conflicting feelings about ending my academic career and getting older. I now have the time to devote to my writing.
Hi, that's what I'm finding I now have time to devote to my writing. Congratulations on the contract - that could certainly give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I'm less physically agile. Not nearly as flexible. My perception of my abilities has to flex, if it is to stay realistic. I say "let it go." But I don't listen to myself all that well.
Now I need to be healthier mentally, emotionally, and take into account my age.
It's all for the benefit of others as well, so that I can help whenever an issue arises.
Hi Jill, That is my plan, basically to do what I can to remain as healthy mentally and emotionally as possible while taking into account my age and circumstances.
Susan, we have common ground! I too am 70 and providing daily in home care for family. It is physically and mentally a challenge. A few months ago, I decided if I do not take care of me, no one else is going to. It does take planning to make that happen as one cannot leave disabled people alone. The first thing I did is something I have always hated to do. Intentional exercise. regardless of tiredness or weather, I started walking. In the house or outdoors, it was an effort, but I started slow for several weeks and gradually built up. It has eased joint pain, Although it hurt more at first. I am stronger in my leg muscles and have tightened up quite a bit. I also look for daily opportunities for stretching, and some strengthening exercises. I started taking Calcium and B12. I make doctor appointments for body, teeth, and eyes. I try to eat healthy foods. I had lunch with friends last week. It was great. Even getting together for lunch takes planning, but we had a great time. Also reading books. I hope you are interested In Trying some of these things. I have been where you are. I know how hard it is. Good luck to you.
Experts say that Positive self-perceptions are associated with better physical and cognitive health, increased longevity, and a higher quality of life. Negative self-perceptions can lead to poorer health outcomes and a lower quality of life. They suggest that our self-perception may change as we age. What do you think and what might you recommend doing about it?
I love all these stories and you are all incredible. A fun read is Face by Justine Bateman . It is mainly about women’s connection to vanity , so worth the read . I struggle with accepting my aging face and body weekly. So glad I found this positive newsletter
At 67, my self image is stronger and more positive than ever. Do I have the energy I had? Do I have the energy I think I have? Nope. 4 years in recovery have helped me become the person I am meant to be: loving wife and grandmother, loyal trusted friend. I’ve begun drawing and painting. I take long walks with my best boy most days. Some days I simply nap away. I’m taking a Spanish class at my alma mater this term. I’ve embraced fasting and have better nutrition and mental clarity than ever before. My husband and I are having the best time of our lives together after years of conflict. Got my first tattoo at 62. Got a few more since. I fearlessly look into the mirror every day and love who I see. I’m grateful to have outlived the personal hell of addiction, my self doubt, body dysmorphia, and fear. I’m having the time of my life while fight to save our democracy and rebuild better for my grandsons. Never better. Deeply, madly grateful for my life, every single day of it.
Hi Lynn. What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with us
Good article
Oh yes! I have come from a very vain family on my Dad’s side. On Christmas Eve I had a planned surgery on my right hand. I had ordered new glasses that would be ready after New Year.
I felt useless without my right hand. I couldn’t do all the regular things one does like shower without help. No make up. No hair. I was taken to get my new glasses a week after surgery. OMG! Not only could I not do things like usual, after I put the glasses on I was an old wrinkled human. What had happened to my face. Those old glasses had saved me from the truth.
I care for a man that is 25 years older than I am. A delightful person who is 95. I am completely responsible for everything since his children pay me they don’t have to think about anything to do with him. Hear nothing. See nothing. Do nothing. AT ALL. The people I needed to interact with, would see the cast on my hand and call me Mrs “Smith”. Even before surgery, I was mistaken for his wife. I was humiliated to think that is what others thought until I got my new glasses. Remember I came from a family that fought the look of age with a baseball bat. No one including my grandmother or my two aunts that were nuns were ever old.
It has been very hard since January to even think of what age can do. I have been lucky to have a very healthy mother that lives on her own and does almost everything for herself. She is 93 and is sharp as a tack. She looks like she could be 80. My reference has always been that I am so much younger and able, than the people I have cared for over the last 28 years, I never thought I would be in this position.
Now the doctors say “Well for your age…”
It is a very new world and it has only just begun.
I need two new knees, and surgery on a nerve in my leg that hurts so bad. I care for others not need care for me. Even if just for a few days.
Now the hard work comes. Yes, I am 70 years old. I must accept that is the truth.
I must work so hard not to be ashamed of what has happened. I thought between Christmas and New Year I got old. I must think differently. I have a son that is 43. How could I be 50. I have the pleasure of 2 delightful grandchildren. I am not 35. I can still work all day, but yes I am tired and don’t feel like going out in the evening. As far as things around the house, no I don’t have the balance to climb the ladder and prune the trees or lift the heavy packages like I use to. I now must work to make it ok.
Hi Susan, That's the trick, I think - working to make it ok - because aging does bring inevitable and unfixable change. Acceptance or at least acknowledgement of that fact allows us to make decisions about 'what now - given that."
yeh, I'll be 68 in couple months. Even up until early 60s, people would regularly see would say stuff like 'you are looking good!' (always thought it was a compliment, who knows?) or something like that. Couple weeks ago, I saw my 'little sister' (ten year difference) who I haven't seen since 1989....She did not say anything about my appearance (no I didn't wear makeup except tinted lip balm, but I combed my hair, put on a nice shirt, I exercise regularly, moisturize, etc) except I notice that she studied me, whenever there was a lapse in conversation. I guess she has always thought of me the way I looked when we last saw each other. My oldest daughter came to visit (we were estranged for 15 years) and she also didn't say anything about my appearance. I saw a picture someone took of all of us that day, and I said 'yikes!'... I don't think I'm vain, but I am curious how I am 'doing' compared to other women my age. Many women in this town don't exercise or even walk, and have health issues. I am always self conscious. I know that the 'non vain' thing to do is say 'screw it' and just be the best I can be, not for anyone else, but for me. I mean, what is the 'standard' for someone in our age range? I don't want to look 20, 30, 40 or 50s, but I do want to look the best I can. I don't take any meds (yet, and hope not to), so I do know how you feel. I guess the answer is 'do what you think is good for you' but sheesh, wish we weren't so judged by our looks. I am invisible. It's ok, guess it has it's advantages.... my things I like to do are the same as when I was younger- some kind of exercise, my dogs, just got back into sketching after years of not, have a 35 year old parrot that keeps me busy. I am also a convert to plant based eating; it helped me drop cholesterol and also some other stuff that hung over my head like a cloud. Chopping veggies keeps you busy, too.
Hi Sherry, That's my goal, as well - to look and be the best I can - for me.
I have quite a positive perception of my physical and mental health. I was surprised that my leg strength and grip strength are not as good as I thought. I realise my ability to step up higher than a normal step has decreased over the past few years. I can easily climb steps and hold a heavy frying pan to tip out dinner. I don’t despair. I have started doing step ups every time I go for a walk and also dead hangs. I was shocked that I couldn’t hold my weight for even a second. My hands just slipped off the bar immediately. So now I am doing beginner dead hangs every time I go past the gym in the park. I love that there are ways I can reduce the speed at which my body declines. There is so much research on aging now. Old people have quite a lot of control over whether they end up frail and senile. My self perception is that I am aging well even though I can tell that I am ageing. I think I feel good about myself because I am always trying to take charge of the things I can control and not stressing about things I can’t control.
Hi Val, Bravo to you!!!. I was introduced to QiGong in January, and quickly saw how out of shape I was. Muscles that hadn't been used for years were now being asked to step up. I've been practicing almost daily since then and have noticed improvements in my flexibility and mobility.
I agree with you and have proven to myself that older adults have quite a bit of control over whether they end up frail and senile. No, I can't do what I did when I was 40, but I can do a lot more than I could at the beginning of the year. And I plan to stay on that path.
I’m in my early 70s and love to read your newsletter. I’m determined to keep as much strength as possible I hope my mindset work makes me resilient when I have emotional set backs. Qigong is a lovely activity but at present I am doing a slightly more physical routine called Essentrics with Miranda Edmond White. I subscribe to get the routines and I love it. I like how the instructors explain what each move is for physically. It’s great that you feel better as time goes on.
Hi Val, So nice to hear from you. I looked into Essentrics, and it seems very interesting. Just curious, does it cost to subscribe?
I definitely see myself as "stouter." On a recent video in which I was speaking to the city council about a concern, I said this to my husband. He said that no one sees that but me. I totally believe that positive perspectives are better- but I discovered something this spring that along with my weight gain from turning 60 and quitting smoking....Making it hard for me to get past this perspective of myself. I am a retired teacher with her masters. I am so many things- but this god damned mental image that I "might" have of myself really ticks me off. How do I become the woman I am meant to be without others' approval?
Hi Jean, I am updating my newsletter, which includes a new picture of me. The current one was taken in 2019, but I have changed, and life has changed. So, I will be putting a new picture up soon. It occurs to me that this is a step in changing my self-image.
Yes, I am not a feminine built woman, so I depended on my strong muscles and physical abilities to feel good about myself. I still do strong things like unload hay and dig holes in rocky soil but I do not have the strength I used to have. I can feel that depression. It is pretty terrifying. But I keep doing hard things and also take Zoloft. And just because I take Zoloft does not mean I give up on self awareness. Thank you for this article.
HI Julie, and that is the truth of it - knowing who we are and managing life so it works for us at this age..
I’m glad you found your way. It’s interesting how our roles in a marriage are also our jobs, labels or talents. Hubby is family tech. I’m analog. I’m working on accepting my physical changes as that’s all I can do. Accept and embrace. I just ordered a book that was recommended to me that I’m looking forward to— No Bad Parts.
Hi, very true about the impact of marriage. I see myself as being a very different person today from the one I was when my husband was alive. I've had to learn some of his role. The book sounds interesting. Let me know what you think?
How do I see myself today?
I am 87 and nearly 4 years into widowhood. Living alone was a big adjustment for me. Caring for my husband in his last 2 years of PD with dementia meant that I dropped a lot of what I used to do as the me I was before my husband died. After David’s death I realised I had to rediscover who I really was underneath and from the inside out. I couldn’t just return to be the person I had been before. I love animals and caring for them. The puppy required me to get up in the morning and maintain a routine during the day. I resumed a closer relationship with my horses. I continued to enjoy the 3 cats I have, two at home and one at the farm. I took up keeping chickens. When the work gets too much I get help, family and paid help. I am fortunate so far to be financially stable. I love reading and writing and sketching and watercolour painting. I have rough patches physically but seem to restabilise with personal care routines. My life and sense of who I am is much more fluid than it has ever been. I am getting used to it! I would love to find an active person of my age to correspond with. My friends are all younger than I am.
Hi Sylvia, I know what you mean about rediscovering who we are underneath. After Dan died, I could not be the person I was any longer. Another aspect for me was that I was on my own for the first time, so this involved significant personal growth. The saving grace for me has been the writing, but I also love painting, reading, and taking care of my plants.
My mother became a hermit in the years since retiring. I have those tendencies and fight them daily. I frequently have to remind myself that I'm strong, capable, and safe.
For everything there is a season, it is said, Lynn. After a certain age, staying home where it is safe and known, where one entertains one's self, is not a bad choice for some. All the things I love in my life now - my books, my music, my writing, my armchair, etc are all here in my quiet little home. I am in my 80s and never feel lonely. I have no desire to go out. And it is okay. Just sharing a thought.
Hi Sharron, Your point is well taken. My favorite place to be is my apartment with the cats these days. I've done my share of get-togethers and traveling - but I feel safest and happiest here.
Janice, I hear you. I love my home time too, and there’s a lot of comfort in being in your own space with the things—and beings—you love. I think my concern with my mom is that she’s lost interest in the things that once brought her joy, and that’s what I’m hoping to avoid for myself.
Sharron, I completely understand—and actually relate to—what you’re saying. I’m an introvert myself and love my alone days to read, write, and just putter around the house. My comment was more about my mother’s extreme isolation—she literally won’t leave the house and spends her days watching TV. Her mind is sharp, but she’s not thriving. I admire that you’ve created a home life that brings you so much joy.
👍🏻😊
Hi Lynn, Just curious, what do you want to do after you retire? Sometimes people haven't thought about it ahead of time, so they don't know what to do.
Ha! I chuckled when I read this, because I am retired—and definitely not sitting in a rocking chair. I write, train for triathlons, sail, spoil my dog, and get involved with local events. But I also treasure my quiet days at home. For me, it’s about keeping a balance so I don’t tip too far toward isolation.
Bravo, to you, Lynn. It sounds like you are accomplishing that balance, which, as you say, is so essential.
I agree. I just turned 62, retired, and see bodily changes like sunspots on my arms and a sag under my chin. But I also just signed a contract for my debut novel, so I have conflicting feelings about ending my academic career and getting older. I now have the time to devote to my writing.
Hi, that's what I'm finding I now have time to devote to my writing. Congratulations on the contract - that could certainly give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I'm less physically agile. Not nearly as flexible. My perception of my abilities has to flex, if it is to stay realistic. I say "let it go." But I don't listen to myself all that well.
Now I need to be healthier mentally, emotionally, and take into account my age.
It's all for the benefit of others as well, so that I can help whenever an issue arises.
Hi Jill, That is my plan, basically to do what I can to remain as healthy mentally and emotionally as possible while taking into account my age and circumstances.
Susan, we have common ground! I too am 70 and providing daily in home care for family. It is physically and mentally a challenge. A few months ago, I decided if I do not take care of me, no one else is going to. It does take planning to make that happen as one cannot leave disabled people alone. The first thing I did is something I have always hated to do. Intentional exercise. regardless of tiredness or weather, I started walking. In the house or outdoors, it was an effort, but I started slow for several weeks and gradually built up. It has eased joint pain, Although it hurt more at first. I am stronger in my leg muscles and have tightened up quite a bit. I also look for daily opportunities for stretching, and some strengthening exercises. I started taking Calcium and B12. I make doctor appointments for body, teeth, and eyes. I try to eat healthy foods. I had lunch with friends last week. It was great. Even getting together for lunch takes planning, but we had a great time. Also reading books. I hope you are interested In Trying some of these things. I have been where you are. I know how hard it is. Good luck to you.
Sounds good. I would like to meet others to interact with. It makes life easier when you have a group
Hi Denise, I think you make a good point about our needing to take care of ourselves because no one else is going to do it for us - nor should they.