Embracing Life Again

Four Tasks That Help Me Move Forward

Photo by Jean-Pierre Brungs on Unsplash

After a lovely Christmas Eve party at my daughter’s house, I was on my way home, hoping to get into the apartment before the dam burst. I made it, locked the door, stood in the hallway, and sobbed. My husband, Dan, was not there to share the evening with me, and I felt that loss more than ever.

Most people are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stage theory of the dying process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This theory applies to grieving individuals and those who are dying. While acknowledging her work, recent specialists view grief as tasks that integrate the loss into one’s life and the griever as an active rather than a passive participant.

William Worden, a grief researcher, discusses four tasks involved in mourning rather than describing the stages and stresses of the process. He says an individual may work on multiple tasks simultaneously, which may be revisited and reworked over time. He also suggests that a grieving individual can accomplish some tasks but not others, therefore not fully adapting to the loss.

The grief experience varies widely and is influenced by many things: a person’s age, gender, relationship with the deceased, culture, personality, previous experiences, coping skills, and social support.

As I read about the four tasks of grieving, I realized that although I’d accomplished many things and healed to a degree, there was work to do. Below are the tasks and my perception of where I stand four years later.

Task 1: Accept the reality of loss: Acknowledge the person is gone and will not return.

I could acknowledge the loss and take care of the practical things that needed to be done—changing the bank accounts, finding a new apartment, moving, and cleaning out closets—but I had a hard time with the word “accept,” if it meant being okay with this situation. I’ve found definitions clarifying the difference; I still prefer the word acknowledge.

Task 2: Process the pain of grief. Understand and work through sadness, fear, loneliness, and anger.

Grief does seem to be an ongoing process. All of those feelings pop up from time to time - unannounced. The Christmas Party was a good example. I was fine, helped, chatted, and had fun—and then I had to leave.

Task 3: Adjust to a world without the deceased: How has the death affected everyday life? How has the death affected feelings about self and abilities? How has death affected spiritual beliefs and views of the world?

This past year has been about profoundly understanding the finality of his death. There has been enormous growth. I now fix small computer and household problems I didn’t even try to resolve previously. I have more confidence in my ability to care for myself and try things rather than say I don’t know how and ask for help. I’m more comfortable using the Internet, solving problems, doing things with others, and trying new things. Will I ever be happy in the same way? It doesn’t seem so.

We met when we were 12—he was the boy down the street. We dated during the eighth grade and played ping-pong in the basement. He gave me a hamster for Christmas and was the first boy to kiss me. Although we went our separate ways for a while, we remained friends. At 19, we realized we loved each other and wanted to marry.

For 62 years, we were best friends and partners. Our love was the glue that held us together during the ups and downs of married life.

Task 4: Find an enduring connection with the deceased: Remember the loved one while moving forward.

I wanted Dan to move forward with me, but I wasn’t sure what it meant. I found many suggestions and was surprised to read that I was doing many of them.

• Keep a photo in my wallet or wear a piece of jewelry that belonged to him.
  I have pictures of him everywhere; his jacket is in the closet, and I wear my wedding ring.

• Accept my emotions. The grief journey never truly ends.
  I’m finding that to be true.

• Do things we used to enjoy together.
  I mentally take him with me when I go to the ocean; it was one of our favorite places. However, we used to make jigsaw puzzles together daily, and I can’t do that anymore.

• Invest my energy in things that please me.
  That’s a focus right now.

• Consider picking a new hobby.
  I’ve found several: writing, plants, and art.

Experts say that when a person dies, loved ones may grieve in some capacity for the rest of their lives. That understanding describes and normalizes my experience.

Learning about an enduring connection opened the door to more ideas, such as setting aside daily reflection time or writing letters to him. It is said that Betty White, the actress, would blow her husband, who died of stomach cancer, a kiss each night before going to bed and kiss his picture in the morning.

To anyone struggling with the loss of a partner or spouse, I’d say this.

1. Let the four tasks happen naturally. I didn’t realize until writing this article how important establishing an enduring connection is for me.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve and move forward - it has to be meaningful and right for you.

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Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. Her book Aging Well: 30 Lessons for Making the Most of Your Later Years is available on Amazon, and she has written articles for Substack.