The Quiet Reinvention

A Key to Adjusting Gracefully to Life’s Changes

Photo by Ainur Iman on Unsplash

I’ve done reasonably well, adjusting to life’s changes. No, I can’t run a marathon or skydive, but that was never on my bucket list. I‘m unemployed, but I work from home, have no drive time, and set my own schedule. What a pleasure. I don’t have young children, but my grandsons and great-granddaughters visit regularly, which is great.

The life change that has been most challenging, though, is becoming a widow - on my own for the first time. I can acknowledge the fact and adapt to it. I can keep going, but graciously accepting it seems to be another story.

Experts say a common theme among people who lose a spouse or partner for whatever reason is the draining effect of feeling entirely alone and incomplete - as if they’ve lost an essential part of themselves. The world suddenly seems like a different place. They’re unsure how to cope with life in general, and sometimes wonder whether they want to try.

It’s been five years since my husband, Dan, died - I know those feelings all too well.

Professionals advise us to accept what's happening, practice self-compassion, maintain routines for stability, break significant changes into small steps, and use mindfulness to manage emotions, all while viewing change as an opportunity for growth and learning.

Those ideas haven’t worked particularly well for me because, at the end of the day, the most important person in my life isn't here - no kisses, no hugs, no one to share my hopes and dreams with.

I recently read about an approach that seemed worth further exploration, though. It’s called a quiet reinvention, and is described as a subtle, internal process of growth and alignment, focusing on small, consistent inner shifts like changing self-talk and habits rather than on dramatic external changes like moving to a retirement community, or giving up. It consists of four components:

• An internal focus.

• Making small, deliberate decisions that involve new habits, different choices, and higher standards—in turn building momentum and leading to change over time.

• A self-directed journey of growth requiring self-reflection, integrating insights, and using natural tools for self-care.

• Shifting beliefs, habits, and self-perception to align with a deep sense of purpose - leading to changes that often become apparent only in hindsight.

• No longer tolerating what drains us, allowing ourselves to want more, and finding clarity in quiet moments.

This concept rings true for me because it’s what I’d been doing without realizing it the past year - reinventing myself in small steps. I’ve been throwing away or donating clothing and furniture I haven’t used for years, deleting programs on my computer that weren’t serving me, and saying no to things I don’t want to do.

While writing this article, I read the post “Reinventing by Design," which offered a way forward by suggesting we identify skills and values we had in past roles as parents, managers, and teachers, and apply them to our lives today. That point stuck with me - I’m still me, but I can use my skills and qualities differently given today’s circumstances.

I plan to continue on this path: to let go of the past while using who I still am in new ways.

P.S. Ironically, that post was written by my son, Doug; we had no idea what the other one was writing at the time.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is in the process of publishing a book based on the articles.