A Tug-of-War: The Body We Live in Versus the Self We Are

Can They Work Together?

Photo by Timothy Brown on Unsplash

I recently went to Kaua’i with my daughter and her husband. I fell in love with the roosters who roamed freely, the turtles that came ashore at dusk, and the nenes, or Hawaiian geese, who stopped traffic as they meandered across the highway. What a peaceful, enchanting place.

However, it seems my body didn’t get the memo, or it rebelled, making the trip less enjoyable. The constant knee pain surprised me, even though I wore a brace, especially on those six-hour plane rides, and the stomach problems, but we won’t go into that. The unsettling truth was that my body sure couldn’t do what it did four years ago when we went to the Big Island.

What I hadn’t realized was that for many of us, aging introduces a tug-of-war between the body we live in and the self we still are. Inside, we feel familiar, capable, curious, and engaged. At the same time, our bodies move more slowly, tire more easily, and require adjustments, which can be confusing, frustrating, painful, and downright depressing.

This tug-of-war is understandable - our sense of self doesn’t age the same as our bodies do. It’s built from memory, experience, values, and personality, which remain stable even as physical abilities falter. That’s why many older adults feel internally youthful, even though the mirror tells a very different story.

When physical changes begin to dictate our identity, then self-worth can suffer. We may start to believe:

• I’m not who I used to be.

• I’m becoming a burden.

• I don’t matter in the same way.

However, the self—the thinking, feeling, meaning-making part of us—continues to evolve, even though the body changes. We still have wisdom earned through experience, emotional depth and insight, the ability to connect, encourage, and contribute, and our creativity, sense of humor, and compassion.

Aging well may not require choosing between the two, but it does ask us to be aware of both - honestly and with compassion. It may even feel as if we’re on the periphery of our loved ones' and friends’ lives and of society in general because we can’t participate as we once did.

This tug-of-war may soften if the body and the self become partners. The body becomes something we care for—not something we fight with or demand to do something it can no longer do.

Experts say:

• We should listen to our bodies without resentment.

• Movement becomes medicine, rest becomes wisdom, and adaptation becomes strength.

What I’m finding:

• Listening to my body without resentment is often easier said than done. My reaction is frustration at fingers that don’t work the way they used to and at a body that tires more easily.

• Movement becomes medicine, but what about the sore knees that hurt when I exercise? Rest becomes wisdom, but what about the sleepless nights that include extra trips to the bathroom, worries about the future, and hot flashes that regularly occur? Adapting might become a strength, but it can also be annoying.

Modifying our expectations, acknowledging limitations without surrendering our sense of self, and finding a satisfactory middle ground are important.

This is a new way of thinking for me. I’m purposefully choosing to appreciate my body rather than be angry with it, to do things more slowly rather than make mistakes, and to develop compassion for both.

So I leave you with this question: How can you honor the body you live in and the self you still are without letting them define your value and self-worth?

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and is currently publishing a book.