Thank you Jan, you raise such important issues here. We need to make room for "good enough" in our lives without feeling guilty. So much of what you describe about your perfectionism resonates with me too. Great to take stock from time to time, though. You sound like you're packing a lot into your life these days! The only thing that I have added more recently is meditation. Or sitting doing nothing. Watching the swallows fly past my head to get to their nests when I sit in the stable doorway, or sitting with my cat and dog in the garden watching the clouds float over the horizon. I am 87.
Hi Sylvia, it's true, I think being on my own for the first time heightened my desire to do as much as I do, and it was burning me out - which is the topic of a future article. The one thing I've added that has helped and is similar to meditation is Qigong. This mind-body-spirit practice integrates physical postures, breathing techniques, and focused intention to cultivate and balance life energy. I can tell a difference.
I started Qi gong this year too. I find it very refreshing and calming. I have let it slip during the Summer but will get back to it more seriously in the Autumn.
I'm giving up "work" for the most part right now. Play kept turning into work. So I'm gardening, doing intuitive working out and journaling... and a bit of coloring. Work was consuming me, and it didn't need to. The perfection and goal setting set in and I couldn't seem to stop it except giving up what was commanding my attention. And I'm reading more fiction, that's kinda forced though. I keep returning to medical journals, I just can't help myself!
Hi Patti, I think it was my need to take responsibility for covering all the bases perfectly that became the driving force after Dan died. I had to prove to myself and others that I could move from being taken care of most of my adult life to taking care of myself independently. I am proving it, but the cost is too high, so I have to back down - to let others help me, and lower my need to be perfect.
On another note, because it's the way my mind works, I was wondering if there is an underlying draw for your need to read medical journals - like you would be gathering information you could share with readers, and that would be fun for you.
I totally understand stepping up to the plate to prove to yourself and others independent self-care. Backing down takes courage. And you Janice, are a poster child for aging beautifully, turning the bad and the ugly into something meaningful and lessons for many of us.
On that other note. I'm frustrated with the medical community on how they treat addiction and treatment, especially in dealing with seniors. My own issue is coming along very slowly, without outside help, essentially I'm going it alone holistically. Recently I found friends who are dealing with sometimes catastrophic diseases and years of battling chronic pain being cut off from meds. That's for starters. The replacements are damaging to organs and CNS - I'd argue in some cases more than the pain meds. When I started researching alternatives I found there are next to none, other than morphine/opioid derivatives. This stretches back to the 1800s. The pharmaceuticals created from the original plant(s) are like chemical bombs and not only eventually ineffective in many cases but mis-prescribed. We think about fentynal, the Sacks family, and overdosing... these get all the attention... so far I know two older persons (late 70s, and early 80s) who were leading somewhat liveable lives who committed suicide because of this issue, being cut off pain meds without notice. I'm 67. I saw this coming a few months ago. I chose to do something proactively instead of letting someone else make a decision for me. Let's say I have another 20 years if I'm lucky... quality of life matters. It's criminal how this country treats regular folks who have real issues and can't find solutions. We are a nation who has been conditioned to treat symptoms and not dig to find the source. Anyway, I'm unsure about what direction I'll be taking when I return in a week or so... 90 days today, so I am allowing myself to start thinking about what's important and where to go next. Artfully Aging is more deep than finding ways to survive. I feel it means to thrive, and I'm not sure I can deliver that, so stay tuned!
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: thank you for your work, compassion, and dedicating spreading your story. You matter.❤️
Patti, I so agree with your point about focusing on thriving rather than just surviving aging, which is the essence of what I am figuring out as well. Like you, I'm very frustrated with the medical system, the insurance system, and the reliance on drugs to solve every issue.
Wish I lived closer. We could go out & play: see a musical, take a walk, do a craft. And I need your dedication to tasks. I flit around entertaining myself too much. We would make a good pair. ❤️
Once I learned that my art fun was about the process not the product, I relaxed. I also share it rarely these days because it really is just for me. I hear you on the struggles between work & play. Am 75 & learning is still happening!
Play is very well linked to our true nature, to be child like in all stages of life, we can handle things with a light heart even when it gets hard. We suffer when we take seriously what God made for fun and love 🙌
So fascinating! As I read your article, I found myself realizing that I don't distinguish between work and play. My life is full of mostly things I enjoy doing and am either good at doing, or am in the process of getting good at doing (like speaking Spanish and doing balancing postures in Yoga) - and part of the enjoyment is figuring out how to do them as well as possible without getting wrapped around my axle (ie, falling prey to perfectionism).
There are, of course, some things I need to do, but don't like doing (going to the dentist, taking out the trash, cleaning the sink), and I also focus on doing them as well and consciously as I can (again, without axle-wrapping).
I wonder if my lack of distinction between work and play is because what I've done for "work" for the past 40+ years is stuff I really enjoy and find truly interesting? It probably also has to do with the fact that my dad (a huge role model for me) loved his work, and that my mom, who became deeply involved in non-profit work as we kids got older (she ran a glaucoma clinic at one of the hospitals in our town) really loved that, too - and they both encouraged all of us to find work we loved...
Hi Erica, Interesting. It sounds like you have found a way to make everything enjoyable. That is a special gift. After my husband died, everything became work, and I'm trying to work my way out of that.
Janice, my dear Substack friend: thank you for this post. It spoke clearly to me! I’m caring for my husband with dementia (he’s 89; I’m 80) and trying to become comfortable with this version of myself. I can relate to every emotion you described. I look forward to following you regularly.
Hi Careen, Yes, I didn't at the time, but I think if we can focus on the special moments and find ways to take care of ourselves, it helps. I still wrestle with guilt, and a wish that I could have done this or that and didn't. But the truth is, we do the best we can under the circumstances. Take care.
Janice, this really resonated. Like you, I’ve spent much of my life driven by perfectionism and a deep work ethic shaped in childhood. Even now, I find myself turning restorative activities, like walking in the woods or writing, into tasks. Your distinction between work and play is such a helpful reframing. I especially appreciate the reminder that rejuvenation is part of ageing well. Thank you for naming it with such clarity.
Hi Denise, Your sentence about turning walking in the woods and writing into tasks made me smile - it is so true for me as well - and I have to do them perfectly rather than just enjoying them.
Just back from 6 hours in my wood; yes I did some work, but i spent at least 1/3 of the time in my hammock, gently observing and a buzzard flew low really close by. I wouldnt have seen him if i'd been working
Hi Sharron. That's me practical - now if I could just have some fun with it. I was born and raised in Ohio - the work ethic was ingrained in me from an early age.
I'm not very good at taking time to play. Are you?
My writing is my play. Some days it is ALL I do. Between naps, of course, which I am VERY good at...
I wrote this 30 minutes before I read your email, which was a gift as well.
Don’t hold on to yesterday’s
regrets and sorrows
Let them go
And don’t start tomorrow
while it’s still today
It will be here soon enough
Don’t miss any of this day
Spend it all today-ing
Bring your attention to the now
and say to yourself
There will never be another today
and give thanks for this gift
Hi
David, that says it all. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank you Jan, you raise such important issues here. We need to make room for "good enough" in our lives without feeling guilty. So much of what you describe about your perfectionism resonates with me too. Great to take stock from time to time, though. You sound like you're packing a lot into your life these days! The only thing that I have added more recently is meditation. Or sitting doing nothing. Watching the swallows fly past my head to get to their nests when I sit in the stable doorway, or sitting with my cat and dog in the garden watching the clouds float over the horizon. I am 87.
Hi Sylvia, it's true, I think being on my own for the first time heightened my desire to do as much as I do, and it was burning me out - which is the topic of a future article. The one thing I've added that has helped and is similar to meditation is Qigong. This mind-body-spirit practice integrates physical postures, breathing techniques, and focused intention to cultivate and balance life energy. I can tell a difference.
I started Qi gong this year too. I find it very refreshing and calming. I have let it slip during the Summer but will get back to it more seriously in the Autumn.
I have found various benefits in practicing it.
I'm giving up "work" for the most part right now. Play kept turning into work. So I'm gardening, doing intuitive working out and journaling... and a bit of coloring. Work was consuming me, and it didn't need to. The perfection and goal setting set in and I couldn't seem to stop it except giving up what was commanding my attention. And I'm reading more fiction, that's kinda forced though. I keep returning to medical journals, I just can't help myself!
Hi Patti, I think it was my need to take responsibility for covering all the bases perfectly that became the driving force after Dan died. I had to prove to myself and others that I could move from being taken care of most of my adult life to taking care of myself independently. I am proving it, but the cost is too high, so I have to back down - to let others help me, and lower my need to be perfect.
On another note, because it's the way my mind works, I was wondering if there is an underlying draw for your need to read medical journals - like you would be gathering information you could share with readers, and that would be fun for you.
I lost an entire very lengthy reply to this message. Note to self. Do not use the phone for Substack.
I totally understand stepping up to the plate to prove to yourself and others independent self-care. Backing down takes courage. And you Janice, are a poster child for aging beautifully, turning the bad and the ugly into something meaningful and lessons for many of us.
On that other note. I'm frustrated with the medical community on how they treat addiction and treatment, especially in dealing with seniors. My own issue is coming along very slowly, without outside help, essentially I'm going it alone holistically. Recently I found friends who are dealing with sometimes catastrophic diseases and years of battling chronic pain being cut off from meds. That's for starters. The replacements are damaging to organs and CNS - I'd argue in some cases more than the pain meds. When I started researching alternatives I found there are next to none, other than morphine/opioid derivatives. This stretches back to the 1800s. The pharmaceuticals created from the original plant(s) are like chemical bombs and not only eventually ineffective in many cases but mis-prescribed. We think about fentynal, the Sacks family, and overdosing... these get all the attention... so far I know two older persons (late 70s, and early 80s) who were leading somewhat liveable lives who committed suicide because of this issue, being cut off pain meds without notice. I'm 67. I saw this coming a few months ago. I chose to do something proactively instead of letting someone else make a decision for me. Let's say I have another 20 years if I'm lucky... quality of life matters. It's criminal how this country treats regular folks who have real issues and can't find solutions. We are a nation who has been conditioned to treat symptoms and not dig to find the source. Anyway, I'm unsure about what direction I'll be taking when I return in a week or so... 90 days today, so I am allowing myself to start thinking about what's important and where to go next. Artfully Aging is more deep than finding ways to survive. I feel it means to thrive, and I'm not sure I can deliver that, so stay tuned!
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: thank you for your work, compassion, and dedicating spreading your story. You matter.❤️
Patti, I so agree with your point about focusing on thriving rather than just surviving aging, which is the essence of what I am figuring out as well. Like you, I'm very frustrated with the medical system, the insurance system, and the reliance on drugs to solve every issue.
I look forward to reading what you come up with.
Wish I lived closer. We could go out & play: see a musical, take a walk, do a craft. And I need your dedication to tasks. I flit around entertaining myself too much. We would make a good pair. ❤️
Hi Jan, it certainly does sound like fun.
Once I learned that my art fun was about the process not the product, I relaxed. I also share it rarely these days because it really is just for me. I hear you on the struggles between work & play. Am 75 & learning is still happening!
Play is very well linked to our true nature, to be child like in all stages of life, we can handle things with a light heart even when it gets hard. We suffer when we take seriously what God made for fun and love 🙌
So fascinating! As I read your article, I found myself realizing that I don't distinguish between work and play. My life is full of mostly things I enjoy doing and am either good at doing, or am in the process of getting good at doing (like speaking Spanish and doing balancing postures in Yoga) - and part of the enjoyment is figuring out how to do them as well as possible without getting wrapped around my axle (ie, falling prey to perfectionism).
There are, of course, some things I need to do, but don't like doing (going to the dentist, taking out the trash, cleaning the sink), and I also focus on doing them as well and consciously as I can (again, without axle-wrapping).
I wonder if my lack of distinction between work and play is because what I've done for "work" for the past 40+ years is stuff I really enjoy and find truly interesting? It probably also has to do with the fact that my dad (a huge role model for me) loved his work, and that my mom, who became deeply involved in non-profit work as we kids got older (she ran a glaucoma clinic at one of the hospitals in our town) really loved that, too - and they both encouraged all of us to find work we loved...
Hi Erica, Interesting. It sounds like you have found a way to make everything enjoyable. That is a special gift. After my husband died, everything became work, and I'm trying to work my way out of that.
I can only imagine- such a terribly difficult passage. All good luck on your journey back to fun, joy and play.
Janice, my dear Substack friend: thank you for this post. It spoke clearly to me! I’m caring for my husband with dementia (he’s 89; I’m 80) and trying to become comfortable with this version of myself. I can relate to every emotion you described. I look forward to following you regularly.
Hi Careen, Yes, I didn't at the time, but I think if we can focus on the special moments and find ways to take care of ourselves, it helps. I still wrestle with guilt, and a wish that I could have done this or that and didn't. But the truth is, we do the best we can under the circumstances. Take care.
Janice, this really resonated. Like you, I’ve spent much of my life driven by perfectionism and a deep work ethic shaped in childhood. Even now, I find myself turning restorative activities, like walking in the woods or writing, into tasks. Your distinction between work and play is such a helpful reframing. I especially appreciate the reminder that rejuvenation is part of ageing well. Thank you for naming it with such clarity.
Hi Denise, Your sentence about turning walking in the woods and writing into tasks made me smile - it is so true for me as well - and I have to do them perfectly rather than just enjoying them.
Just back from 6 hours in my wood; yes I did some work, but i spent at least 1/3 of the time in my hammock, gently observing and a buzzard flew low really close by. I wouldnt have seen him if i'd been working
Hi Denise, Good point, I'm so glad you took the time to see the buzzard.
A beautiful plan, Janice. All worthy, reachable goals. Thanks for always being so practical!
Hi Sharron. That's me practical - now if I could just have some fun with it. I was born and raised in Ohio - the work ethic was ingrained in me from an early age.