Experience tells me that aging well is not as easy as it sounds. Even though we have the best intentions, issues, rationalizations, and excuses can get in our way.
My greatest roadblock is keeping my “regret” noise machine at bay. I have lived a full and varied life - have had to reinvent myself several times with good and bad results.
But there are some things I didn’t do and the “it’s never too late” cliche doesn’t work for them.
How I help myself is to feel all the feelings but give them a cut off time. I don’t allow myself to wallow for too long. Time limit for wallowing can be as short as 10 minutes or a whole day. Never ever more than that.
It works beautifully for me and that is the advice I would offer to anyone who feels similar to what I described.
Roadblocks to healthy aging include: having a more relaxed perception of aging itself! And of my own relaxation of self-perception. I SEE wrinkles--and wish them gone NOW. My long-ago broken bones, including back and neck and ankle and leg and arm and wrist. etc. are getting arthritis so I am not as flexible as before! But integrating my perceptions and relaxing them is helping a bit-or so I think
I agree. Instead of constantly lamenting about what we have lost, it is more helpful to count the blessings of all the good that remains. And keep a grateful heart.
Coming to grips with lower levels of energy has been challenging. I was always a high energy person, able to accomplish so much in one day. But the truth is, I also pushed too hard and made myself sick. Now, I try to accept where I'm at, not feel guilty if, after a physically tiring day, I allow myself to lie in bed a little longer some mornings to read and drink tea, or watch a movie in the afternoon. I'm learning that balance is more important than ever.
Hi Silvana, you bring up excellent points about not feeling guilty when we don't accomplish what we want in a day, taking the time to pamper ourselves if we push too hard, and maintaining balance. I also tend to overdo and need to slow down and recuperate.
A roadblock I find, is not being able to be an Elder to my 3 daughters. We raised them to be so damn independent that they have everything all figured out. I miss them.
I'm 61. I'm fit from hiking, kayaking, biking, lifting weights etc...but I can put away a pint of Cherry Garcia. I'm fortunate to have excellent health, live in my dream town (Taos, NM) with wonderful friends, blessed to have interesting, sweet, hilarious adult children, a dog who loves me unconditionally, and an agent for the novel I'm revising. Alhamdulillah! But -- I look at this permanent furrow between my brows and think -- I'm at the finish line. Until I got old, there was always, in my mind, a sky of opportunities, of possibilities, the idea I could become this or that -- it's gone. I can't explain it.
Nice start! Thank you for opening with one of my own favorite subjects … and often difficult to think about or talk about as the actual process of aging after 80 is becoming more obvious each morning!
Skin tone and overall vitality and resilience are focuses as 80 is rapidly closing in on 81 here 😘
With anticipation! Individually, I am grateful I’m here, having survived and thrived after a couple of traumatic bumps along my roadway. For me, feeling vibrant and relevant is a major win as I approach 80. As a family, we have always celebrated birthdays. Spending time with my sons & their families, and my friends, on our various birthdays is always a joyous time.
The feeling that I am doing well for my age keeps me from making allowances which I should make considering my age. I like the experience of feeling younger than my real age. But I have to remember that the characteristics of old age (of which I am actually aware) can trip me up if I plan without sufficient recognition of my needs.
I recently accompanied two friends on a horse riding holiday. They are both about 15 years younger than I am. I am 87. We all have our own horses at home. They encourage me to believe I can still ride as well as they can. Well, this week I caught a bad ‘flu and ended up in the local hospital of the location of our holiday. They were fine. (The year before I had suffered through a cold during the holiday). Back home recovering under the care of my own doctor, he advised me to start thinking about planning holidays with my age in mind.
Of course my friends and I want to continue to plan annual riding holidays together… but having given it some serious thought I see no reason not to plan to do fewer hours in the saddle, shorter distance rides, rides going out each day from the same center (rather than trekking… our preferred way in past years). Also my friends could do five days’ riding while I could join them only on days 1, 3, and 5. We would be together for picnics and other meals throughout the week.
When I thought about it, I could easily get my wonderful friends to consider continuing our annual riding holidays with adaptations for my age. My problem is that I have no models for active, sporty holidays for people approaching their 90s. There are just those occasional stories of weird outliers in their 90s running marathons, riding endurance trails, swimming miles in cold water, climbing to Everest Base Camp, etc. But nothing to help me with planning holidays with sporty younger friends.
Now I feel better prepared.
At my age:
I tire more easily
I need more hours of sleep in the day (or at least rest lying down)
I am more vulnerable to infections
Everything takes me longer to do
I need to use more aids (ears, eyes, joint braces, meds and dietary supplements)
I am weak and have poor balance so I walk slowly
But, Hey, I can still ride a horse with my friends! I just need to figure out how not to get ill during the week we are together.
Maybe you will become that model. Given those facts, what can you realistically do? You seem to have some great ideas. I'm 86, and wouldn't have the stamina to ride a horse, so bravo to you.
That’s not a bad idea, Janice! In pursuit of a model I feel I would like to develop a set of life strategies based on realistic self-assessment.
If you pursue a sport and you don’t slow down in a careful and well-informed way you might have to face slowing down abruptly as a result of an accident or illness that could have been preventable.
Your question was about Roadblocks to living well in old age. I cited Pride, in my case. I could cite Unwillingness to Face Reality and comcomitant failure to follow through on the messages that self-knowledge might be sending me. This is what makes me nervous about living out our impulse to live as though we are younger than we really are (I don’t mean just in years but our assessment of our age, based on how we feel).
So what am I looking for in a mentor for sporty activity would be someone who realistically manages their life to enable the highest level of fitness with the lowest level of risk of age-related physical accident or illness.
Thank you for recognising my attempt to make a list of items to consider for being a more responsible 87 year old horsewoman. I clearly have a start and could continue to develop the list in discussion with people I have not yet met. Maybe this will be the focus of my substack writing… as I have not quite found my feet here yet!!
I love these comments; learning a lot. I’ve just written a book called The New Old, and one of the chapters (it’s in the Get Good At Change section) is titled “Modify Gracefully.” It offers a practical approach to figuring out exactly what we’re talking about here: when and how to modify how we “operate” - physically and mentally - as we age.
I wish I had some helpful advice, Janice, but I don't. I rely on YOU! My own mantra for eight years has been "acceptance". I have stopped struggling against overwhelming grief and against the loss of physical ability that comes with being in my 80s, as struggling does no good. I have surrendered and am making the most of it. Your posts are always so inspiring to me, I have to say.
Hi Sharron, I like how you put it: surrendering and making the most of it. This is, in essence, the Serenity Prayer, I think. Having the ability to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thanks for being here and for reading. I appreciate you.
Experience tells me that aging well is not as easy as it sounds. Even though we have the best intentions, issues, rationalizations, and excuses can get in our way.
My greatest roadblock is keeping my “regret” noise machine at bay. I have lived a full and varied life - have had to reinvent myself several times with good and bad results.
But there are some things I didn’t do and the “it’s never too late” cliche doesn’t work for them.
How I help myself is to feel all the feelings but give them a cut off time. I don’t allow myself to wallow for too long. Time limit for wallowing can be as short as 10 minutes or a whole day. Never ever more than that.
It works beautifully for me and that is the advice I would offer to anyone who feels similar to what I described.
And counting my blessings, of course 😊
Hi Geetika, That's a great idea - having a time frame for the feelings. I had forgotten about that.
Roadblocks to healthy aging include: having a more relaxed perception of aging itself! And of my own relaxation of self-perception. I SEE wrinkles--and wish them gone NOW. My long-ago broken bones, including back and neck and ankle and leg and arm and wrist. etc. are getting arthritis so I am not as flexible as before! But integrating my perceptions and relaxing them is helping a bit-or so I think
Hi Jill, I think that's a big one, our perception of aging.
I agree. Instead of constantly lamenting about what we have lost, it is more helpful to count the blessings of all the good that remains. And keep a grateful heart.
I try to limit my thinking of myself as "too old". If I think younger, I feel younger, and if I feel younger, I'm more active and happier.
Hi Nancy, I agree with you. I sure don't think of myself as the age I am—every time it comes to mind, I'm shocked.
Coming to grips with lower levels of energy has been challenging. I was always a high energy person, able to accomplish so much in one day. But the truth is, I also pushed too hard and made myself sick. Now, I try to accept where I'm at, not feel guilty if, after a physically tiring day, I allow myself to lie in bed a little longer some mornings to read and drink tea, or watch a movie in the afternoon. I'm learning that balance is more important than ever.
Hi Silvana, you bring up excellent points about not feeling guilty when we don't accomplish what we want in a day, taking the time to pamper ourselves if we push too hard, and maintaining balance. I also tend to overdo and need to slow down and recuperate.
A roadblock I find, is not being able to be an Elder to my 3 daughters. We raised them to be so damn independent that they have everything all figured out. I miss them.
HI Mary Ann, I can certainly understand that.
I'm 61. I'm fit from hiking, kayaking, biking, lifting weights etc...but I can put away a pint of Cherry Garcia. I'm fortunate to have excellent health, live in my dream town (Taos, NM) with wonderful friends, blessed to have interesting, sweet, hilarious adult children, a dog who loves me unconditionally, and an agent for the novel I'm revising. Alhamdulillah! But -- I look at this permanent furrow between my brows and think -- I'm at the finish line. Until I got old, there was always, in my mind, a sky of opportunities, of possibilities, the idea I could become this or that -- it's gone. I can't explain it.
Nice start! Thank you for opening with one of my own favorite subjects … and often difficult to think about or talk about as the actual process of aging after 80 is becoming more obvious each morning!
Skin tone and overall vitality and resilience are focuses as 80 is rapidly closing in on 81 here 😘
With anticipation! Individually, I am grateful I’m here, having survived and thrived after a couple of traumatic bumps along my roadway. For me, feeling vibrant and relevant is a major win as I approach 80. As a family, we have always celebrated birthdays. Spending time with my sons & their families, and my friends, on our various birthdays is always a joyous time.
Sorry if it is a long one...
Roadblocks
Pride
The feeling that I am doing well for my age keeps me from making allowances which I should make considering my age. I like the experience of feeling younger than my real age. But I have to remember that the characteristics of old age (of which I am actually aware) can trip me up if I plan without sufficient recognition of my needs.
I recently accompanied two friends on a horse riding holiday. They are both about 15 years younger than I am. I am 87. We all have our own horses at home. They encourage me to believe I can still ride as well as they can. Well, this week I caught a bad ‘flu and ended up in the local hospital of the location of our holiday. They were fine. (The year before I had suffered through a cold during the holiday). Back home recovering under the care of my own doctor, he advised me to start thinking about planning holidays with my age in mind.
Of course my friends and I want to continue to plan annual riding holidays together… but having given it some serious thought I see no reason not to plan to do fewer hours in the saddle, shorter distance rides, rides going out each day from the same center (rather than trekking… our preferred way in past years). Also my friends could do five days’ riding while I could join them only on days 1, 3, and 5. We would be together for picnics and other meals throughout the week.
When I thought about it, I could easily get my wonderful friends to consider continuing our annual riding holidays with adaptations for my age. My problem is that I have no models for active, sporty holidays for people approaching their 90s. There are just those occasional stories of weird outliers in their 90s running marathons, riding endurance trails, swimming miles in cold water, climbing to Everest Base Camp, etc. But nothing to help me with planning holidays with sporty younger friends.
Now I feel better prepared.
At my age:
I tire more easily
I need more hours of sleep in the day (or at least rest lying down)
I am more vulnerable to infections
Everything takes me longer to do
I need to use more aids (ears, eyes, joint braces, meds and dietary supplements)
I am weak and have poor balance so I walk slowly
But, Hey, I can still ride a horse with my friends! I just need to figure out how not to get ill during the week we are together.
Hi Sylvia,
Maybe you will become that model. Given those facts, what can you realistically do? You seem to have some great ideas. I'm 86, and wouldn't have the stamina to ride a horse, so bravo to you.
That’s not a bad idea, Janice! In pursuit of a model I feel I would like to develop a set of life strategies based on realistic self-assessment.
If you pursue a sport and you don’t slow down in a careful and well-informed way you might have to face slowing down abruptly as a result of an accident or illness that could have been preventable.
Your question was about Roadblocks to living well in old age. I cited Pride, in my case. I could cite Unwillingness to Face Reality and comcomitant failure to follow through on the messages that self-knowledge might be sending me. This is what makes me nervous about living out our impulse to live as though we are younger than we really are (I don’t mean just in years but our assessment of our age, based on how we feel).
So what am I looking for in a mentor for sporty activity would be someone who realistically manages their life to enable the highest level of fitness with the lowest level of risk of age-related physical accident or illness.
Thank you for recognising my attempt to make a list of items to consider for being a more responsible 87 year old horsewoman. I clearly have a start and could continue to develop the list in discussion with people I have not yet met. Maybe this will be the focus of my substack writing… as I have not quite found my feet here yet!!
Sounds like you have the makings of a plan.
I love these comments; learning a lot. I’ve just written a book called The New Old, and one of the chapters (it’s in the Get Good At Change section) is titled “Modify Gracefully.” It offers a practical approach to figuring out exactly what we’re talking about here: when and how to modify how we “operate” - physically and mentally - as we age.
Hi Erika, I love the titles of both the section and the chapter. You are sharing such important information.
Thank you so much!
So happy to read about your work. I have bought the book and now won't have to do the work you have already done!!
I too just pre-ordered the book.
Wonderful! Hope you enjoy it and find it useful -
I wish I had some helpful advice, Janice, but I don't. I rely on YOU! My own mantra for eight years has been "acceptance". I have stopped struggling against overwhelming grief and against the loss of physical ability that comes with being in my 80s, as struggling does no good. I have surrendered and am making the most of it. Your posts are always so inspiring to me, I have to say.
Hi Sharron, I like how you put it: surrendering and making the most of it. This is, in essence, the Serenity Prayer, I think. Having the ability to accept what cannot be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thanks for being here and for reading. I appreciate you.