Pop-up discussions allow us to connect and help each other age well. Sharing ideas and information becomes more important as we grow older. So, let’s talk a bit.
Hi Janice ~ The one good thing I find about getting older is less stress. Maybe after teaching high school and college students for 40 years -- being on high alert all those years -- these days seem peaceful. I do look at life differently now too. I have lowered some unrealistic expectations. I have accepted some things are going to happen I'm not crazy about. I think I may have mentioned Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's book Whole Brain Living to you before. I have bought into her 90 second rule: it only takes 90 seconds for the chemistry of an emotion to flood through us and push completely out of our blood stream. If we do not rethink the upsetting issue triggering that emotion circuit for another 90 seconds, etc, the emotion will stop. So instead of focusing & overthinking on the trigger if I get anxious, I DO an activity like walking, playing music, making a craft -- anything that keeps me in the present moment. At night, if I can't sleep, I play golf in my mind. I usually fall asleep around the 7th hole. :)
Hi Jan, Thanks so much for the reminder about the 90-second rule - I'd forgotten. What a great idea - playing golf at night when I'm having trouble sleeping.
Im 81, and my key strategy is to befriend much-older women. In their 90s and 100s, they are amazing role models. While my path will be different from theirs, watching them cope gives me a preview and great ideas.
I'll be 82 in a couple of weeks. So, if I really screw something up, something that will bother me for the rest of my life, at least it will be a short-term problem
My husband passed 8 1/2 years ago and I think my biggest struggle has been cooking for myself. I started out cooking what I always made for my husband for breakfast but then I couldn’t eat it so I threw it away. I’ve cooked things that I knew he had enjoyed and I loved, but they just don’t taste good anymore. This has been a struggle. It doesn’t seem to be getting much better. I try to go to lunch with a friend as often as I can so I know I have at least one good meal that day. I’ve not eaten fast food for years! I always enjoy being able to go to a restaurant that makes things from scratch, although those are becoming harder to find.
Hi Cindy, Cooking for myself has been a significant issue as well. There is just not the same enjoyment when cooking for one. I have several restaurants nearby, and my daughter is thoughtful enough to provide meals as well. So I do get by.
I have the same problem. In fact it's not only food. We used to watch TV together, usually old English sit coms, etc. Now I can't sit in front of a screen on my own. I no longer have a TV set.
Hi Sylvia, I know how that goes. For months, Dan and I made a 300-piece jigsaw puzzle every day, but after he died, and even though I loved puzzles, I couldn't do them anymore.
Janice, when this happened I was really surprised by it. I wonder now if this is a survival mechanism in our make-up that steers us away from what was pleasurable activity with our husbands/partners/etc. so that we develop a personally meaningful way of living that is true to our individual identity. We are attracted to independently develop a satisfying way of being in our new world that no longer relies on the dual identity we had as a couple when our loved one was alive with us.
The topic of independence! Wow, did that hit me hard. Sometimes I find that I do things that I never would have tried, but once I have accomplished it, I am so thrilled … so proud of myself. My husband was strong and able to fix just about anything. After he passed, I remember the first time I tried to open a 5 gallon bucket of paint and if you’ve ever tried that you know how frustrating it is. When the lid just kept snapping itself closed side takeoff, I got so upset that I actually screamed his name and cussed at him. I learned quickly not to do that. It just didn’t feel good! So now I just celebrate my extreme independence by accomplishing new things and then I sit back and tell him all about it 🥲
Hi Cindy, That's what I've found as well. My husband took care of all "those" chores. So after he died, I had a lot to learn. My initial reaction was to get mad at myself for fumbling around and making mistakes, but I'm finding that each time I accomplish one of them, I gain a bit more self-confidence in myself and what I can do.
I need to calm my mind at night. It is time to go to bed and I can’t fall asleep. I have enough medication that an elephant should sleep. It is not fun to stay awake all night and watch the clock.
I have learned, if I start at 400 and count back by 7, it stops my mind because in your mind or out loud you must say every number and imagine what it looks like if it were written. You say the numbers and see them in your head each and every time.
It does the trick for me at night when I am upset about something and can’t sleep. You get real tired of something so stupid and takes your mind off whatever is causing you stress.
two things recently changed my life for the better. Getting a fitbit - it tells me on which days I must take it easy or if my body has recovered enough to be more physical. And Zoloft. The first 6 weeks were not pleasant, but now the side effects have faded and my mind is so much more peaceful. Yoga of course. I am 73.
Actually as I age I feel less stressed about most things since, in my experience, stress is not going to solve any of my problems. I have a health issue that is worsened by stress so I do everything possible to reduce the stress to my body. I have eliminated all caffeine, have never smoked, and I make it a habit to exercise every day. If I do something else, something pleasant, I've found that the feeling of stress in my body will often go away. It's just adrenaline, a chemical reaction anyway. That's just me, what I do, what I think.
Hi Noel, Thank you so much for sharing your tips. I find that addressing my worries thoroughly also helps relieve my stress, even if it's just writing them down on a to-do list, which gets them out of my mind.
I am not as anxious as I get older which is interesting because I could not have said that ten years ago. The most anxious I have ever been in my life was between 65 and 70. I think I finally got a handle on some of my health problems, and that is when my anxiety lessened. Also, by being less anxious, my health improved.
Thanks for these pop-up discussions, Janice. I love learning from others.
Since I took a first course on Mindfulness back in 2015, I've practised meditation (guided/unguided) and mindfulness to recenter my attention on the here and now. This is the biggest learning for me. It's kept me sane in the toughest times and helped me create space to enable that 90-second space; to let the reaction/emotion pass.
Kristen Neff and Susan David's work have also helped me accept the stress, rather than struggling and amplifying it.
Pop-up discussions allow us to connect and help each other age well. Sharing ideas and information becomes more important as we grow older. So, let’s talk a bit.
Hi Janice ~ The one good thing I find about getting older is less stress. Maybe after teaching high school and college students for 40 years -- being on high alert all those years -- these days seem peaceful. I do look at life differently now too. I have lowered some unrealistic expectations. I have accepted some things are going to happen I'm not crazy about. I think I may have mentioned Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's book Whole Brain Living to you before. I have bought into her 90 second rule: it only takes 90 seconds for the chemistry of an emotion to flood through us and push completely out of our blood stream. If we do not rethink the upsetting issue triggering that emotion circuit for another 90 seconds, etc, the emotion will stop. So instead of focusing & overthinking on the trigger if I get anxious, I DO an activity like walking, playing music, making a craft -- anything that keeps me in the present moment. At night, if I can't sleep, I play golf in my mind. I usually fall asleep around the 7th hole. :)
Hi Jan, Thanks so much for the reminder about the 90-second rule - I'd forgotten. What a great idea - playing golf at night when I'm having trouble sleeping.
Such interesting contributions from your avid readers, Janice! What a smart bunch. Thanks for providing this forum!
Im 81, and my key strategy is to befriend much-older women. In their 90s and 100s, they are amazing role models. While my path will be different from theirs, watching them cope gives me a preview and great ideas.
Melinda, I agree with Peggy, what a fantastic idea.
What a marvelous idea! Where are you connecting with these wonderful women?
I wrote a book about it that I’m sure you’d enjoy. I find them wherever I go! https://a.co/d/fyq8mUf
I'll be 82 in a couple of weeks. So, if I really screw something up, something that will bother me for the rest of my life, at least it will be a short-term problem
Hi David, so true and something to consider
Michael Singer wrote ( I think) “Death is the solution to all of our problems.” Not that it is a consideration.
I'll pass on that solution.
My stupid attempt to be ironic
My husband passed 8 1/2 years ago and I think my biggest struggle has been cooking for myself. I started out cooking what I always made for my husband for breakfast but then I couldn’t eat it so I threw it away. I’ve cooked things that I knew he had enjoyed and I loved, but they just don’t taste good anymore. This has been a struggle. It doesn’t seem to be getting much better. I try to go to lunch with a friend as often as I can so I know I have at least one good meal that day. I’ve not eaten fast food for years! I always enjoy being able to go to a restaurant that makes things from scratch, although those are becoming harder to find.
Hi Cindy, Cooking for myself has been a significant issue as well. There is just not the same enjoyment when cooking for one. I have several restaurants nearby, and my daughter is thoughtful enough to provide meals as well. So I do get by.
I have the same problem. In fact it's not only food. We used to watch TV together, usually old English sit coms, etc. Now I can't sit in front of a screen on my own. I no longer have a TV set.
Hi Sylvia, I know how that goes. For months, Dan and I made a 300-piece jigsaw puzzle every day, but after he died, and even though I loved puzzles, I couldn't do them anymore.
Janice, when this happened I was really surprised by it. I wonder now if this is a survival mechanism in our make-up that steers us away from what was pleasurable activity with our husbands/partners/etc. so that we develop a personally meaningful way of living that is true to our individual identity. We are attracted to independently develop a satisfying way of being in our new world that no longer relies on the dual identity we had as a couple when our loved one was alive with us.
Hi Sylvia, that makes perfect sense to me.
The topic of independence! Wow, did that hit me hard. Sometimes I find that I do things that I never would have tried, but once I have accomplished it, I am so thrilled … so proud of myself. My husband was strong and able to fix just about anything. After he passed, I remember the first time I tried to open a 5 gallon bucket of paint and if you’ve ever tried that you know how frustrating it is. When the lid just kept snapping itself closed side takeoff, I got so upset that I actually screamed his name and cussed at him. I learned quickly not to do that. It just didn’t feel good! So now I just celebrate my extreme independence by accomplishing new things and then I sit back and tell him all about it 🥲
Hi Cindy, That's what I've found as well. My husband took care of all "those" chores. So after he died, I had a lot to learn. My initial reaction was to get mad at myself for fumbling around and making mistakes, but I'm finding that each time I accomplish one of them, I gain a bit more self-confidence in myself and what I can do.
I need to calm my mind at night. It is time to go to bed and I can’t fall asleep. I have enough medication that an elephant should sleep. It is not fun to stay awake all night and watch the clock.
I have learned, if I start at 400 and count back by 7, it stops my mind because in your mind or out loud you must say every number and imagine what it looks like if it were written. You say the numbers and see them in your head each and every time.
It does the trick for me at night when I am upset about something and can’t sleep. You get real tired of something so stupid and takes your mind off whatever is causing you stress.
Hi Susan, No, it's no fun to stay awake all night and watch the clock. That's a great mental game as well.
two things recently changed my life for the better. Getting a fitbit - it tells me on which days I must take it easy or if my body has recovered enough to be more physical. And Zoloft. The first 6 weeks were not pleasant, but now the side effects have faded and my mind is so much more peaceful. Yoga of course. I am 73.
Hi Julie, Sounds like a good plan.
I have some anxiety now at 64 after never suffering with it before. Walking is the best medicine for me.
Hi, thank you for sharing. I do a lot of walking as well and live relatively close to the Pacific Ocean, which makes that medicine even better.
Actually as I age I feel less stressed about most things since, in my experience, stress is not going to solve any of my problems. I have a health issue that is worsened by stress so I do everything possible to reduce the stress to my body. I have eliminated all caffeine, have never smoked, and I make it a habit to exercise every day. If I do something else, something pleasant, I've found that the feeling of stress in my body will often go away. It's just adrenaline, a chemical reaction anyway. That's just me, what I do, what I think.
Hi Noel, Thank you so much for sharing your tips. I find that addressing my worries thoroughly also helps relieve my stress, even if it's just writing them down on a to-do list, which gets them out of my mind.
I am not as anxious as I get older which is interesting because I could not have said that ten years ago. The most anxious I have ever been in my life was between 65 and 70. I think I finally got a handle on some of my health problems, and that is when my anxiety lessened. Also, by being less anxious, my health improved.
Hi Sally, you make a good point about the connection between health problems and anxiety.
Thanks for these pop-up discussions, Janice. I love learning from others.
Since I took a first course on Mindfulness back in 2015, I've practised meditation (guided/unguided) and mindfulness to recenter my attention on the here and now. This is the biggest learning for me. It's kept me sane in the toughest times and helped me create space to enable that 90-second space; to let the reaction/emotion pass.
Kristen Neff and Susan David's work have also helped me accept the stress, rather than struggling and amplifying it.
Write or read poetry
Nice!!!