Straddling Two Worlds

Finding Harmony in Conflicting Roles and Perspectives

Photo by Corbin Mathias on Unsplash

I find myself in an interesting position - I was a caregiver and find myself needing help - more than I want to admit.

I wrote about thriving as a caregiver last week. However, there is another side to that idea: helping the care recipient thrive during frightening, painful, and depressing times.

While struggling with dementia, Dan would sometimes get upset that he couldn’t do certain things, like using the computer; once in a while, he was grateful for my help, but mostly, he was confused and lost in his own world.

However, he did insist on maintaining control in certain areas of his life. No one could tell him not to drive the car, answer his phone, or go to a doctor’s appointment. We learned to stretch the truth—a lot.

My memory is good, but my body is aging—not necessarily something I considered in an aging well plan. Because I’d had surgery for a detached retina and didn’t see as well, I chose not to renew my driver’s license. At the time, I thought, “No big deal.” But it was—and it offered insights into Dan’s desire to control and other feelings that someone being cared for might experience.

I think of myself as independent, but that independence requires assistance. My daughter often cooks enough food to include meals and picks up things for me. My son-in-law does my taxes and holds onto me when we go for hikes. They take me places and include me in their trips. My son helps me with computer and financial problems. I’m very fortunate they care for me while allowing me to do as much as possible before stepping in.

My feelings focus on two issues: not wanting to bother them—they have their own lives and families—and fear of making mistakes. So, I’m angry, resentful, anxious, and embarrassed at times - angry at myself for being unable to do certain things easily and resentful that Dan is not here to help me. I’m anxious about my decisions and choices and embarrassed when asking for help.

According to Psychology Today, tips for a caregiver to support a loved one include the following.

Ask for what they need. Many researchers recommend asking what type of support they would like to receive—problem-solving, just talking, or crying together.

Connect and listen. It’s essential to set aside time to listen and share thoughts.

Ask questions. Be curious about what they experience and ask questions gently so the other person doesn’t feel as if you are interrogating them.

Validate. Validating the person you care for signals that you recognize their distress and understand their perspective.

Give compliments. Saying nice things about friends and family can feel very supportive.

Keep the focus on the receiver. If you are providing care, the conversation should focus on them.

Ideas that stand out for me are asking rather than assuming you know my wants and needs, listening to my concerns and feelings—sometimes there is no solution—and letting me do as much as possible, even if it takes longer and more guidance.

Conversely, comments that can be less helpful include the following.

• “I'm just trying to be helpful.”

• “You don't look sick” or “But you’re so young.

• “You're probably just stressed.”

• “It could be worse.”

I still think caregivers must prioritize self-care, but the feelings of the person being cared for are also essential considerations.

P. S. I’d love to have you share the Aging Well Newsletter with others. I want to bring the lessons I’ve learned through my years of life and caregiving to as many people as possible. More than anything, I want to continue to expand our community of readers.

So please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:

If you want to contribute to my work, consider donating to the Alzheimer's Association. This link takes you to their website. The choice is yours.