Acceptance or Honest Acknowledgment

Rethinking How We Respond to What We Can't Change

Photo by Jarosław Głogowski on Unsplash

I’ve really tried to accept life's changes, but it doesn’t seem to be working very well. The problem seems to be that deep and real emotions remain: feelings of sadness for what was, fear of taking on the new, indescribable grief over the loss of my husband, and frustration with new aches, pains, and limitations.

Discontent with the term probably began when his dementia reared its ugly head, then there was caregiving, his death, and starting a new life; now there is aging. My disagreement stems from definitions that describe "accepting" as agreeing with or coming to terms with a situation. They seem to imply a yes or emotional settling into the new reality - the emotional settling in is what stops me.

My husband died - it’s a fact. I’ve adjusted and moved forward, but being in inner harmony with it, not so much - strong feelings regarding the enormous losses involved remain.

The struggle continues as my body ages. If I were to accept what professionals say a person of my age can or can’t do without carefully testing it for myself, I might miss out on many wonderful experiences.

Experts Say vs. What I’m Finding

Experts Say: An 87-year-old often faces compounded health and lifestyle challenges, including chronic conditions like hypertension, arthritis, and diabetes, alongside increased risks of falls, cognitive decline, and mobility limitations.

• At this age, I have some arthritis and impaired eyesight due to a detached retina. That’s it. I exercise regularly to prevent falls, take no prescription drugs, and am a lifelong learner, which helps keep my mind sharp.

Experts Say: An 80-plus-year-old woman can maintain an active and fulfilling life through tailored physical activity, mental engagement, and social connection. Key activities include walking, gentle gardening, water aerobics, yoga, crafting, playing games, volunteering, attending community events, and using technology to connect socially.

• I walk and climb four flights of stairs daily, practice Qigong, take care of my plants, my home, and the cats, write this newsletter, and do art, but not so much volunteering or attending community events.

• I have a sense of purpose, a wonderful family and friends, and goals to pursue.

• Yes, activities take more time, and my energy is lower, but I focus on doing as much as I can - that is, if I remember.

Experts Say: In reality, aging well may begin not with acceptance, but with acknowledgment—the honest recognition of what is changing, what is being lost, and what remains.

• This sentence opened the door to a different understanding of acceptance.

My new mindset

I recently read that acknowledgment is the cognitive recognition of physical and circumstantial changes, and acceptance is the emotional, non-resistant embrace of those changes as part of a meaningful life.

I can honestly acknowledge that my husband died, there’ve been many losses, and my body is aging. Those are facts. At the same time, my heart misses what was; profound sadness and frustration remain - for now.

Perhaps it’s about how we interpret the word acceptance. Some of us are perfectly fine with it, others, not as much. Some of us are at the honest acknowledgment stage; others have resolved the emotional settling-in.

Where we stand on the issue is fine. For me, it’s nice to stick with honestly acknowledging for now and allow the acceptance if and when it occurs.

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for 5 years and is publishing a book of articles, intended as a handy reference.