Aging Can Be Emotionally Harder Than We Expected

I Sure Wasn"t Prepared!

Photo by paramjeet kumar on Unsplash

I’m realizing firsthand that aging is an emotional journey as well as a physical one. Our later years can be challenging due to added stress, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, family concerns, burnout, and trauma.

While many people find that aging offers opportunities for wisdom, a deeper appreciation of life, and the freedom to prioritize personal enjoyment over societal expectations, others find it more demanding than expected, due to a combination of accelerated physical decline, cognitive shifts, societal changes, and increased emotional losses.

I fall into the latter category far too often, and it seems to center around the emotional pain of losses not anticipated.

As I figure out how best to proceed, I’m finding that experts' suggestions are often easier said than done and not always accurate.

What the experts say:

• Experts suggest focusing on a healthy diet and an active lifestyle. The healthier and more active we are, the greater our flexibility, and vice versa.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• For me, aging has brought inevitable, yet unexpected, changes: reduced muscle mass, less energy, and sore joints, all of which are quite irritating.

• The same daily activities that once took little effort now require more, which increases my frustration.

What the experts say:

• Experts say that despite the challenges, research indicates that emotional well-being can improve because older adults are often better at regulating emotions, thereby reducing reactivity to daily stressors.

• They say we should frame responses to crises by focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives, and handle our problems with flexibility and adaptability.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• I haven’t found regulating my emotions easy. They don’t always play by the rules.

  • Technology is evolving quickly, lifestyles are changing rapidly, and norms are shifting. I’m often confused and unsure about the pace and number of all the so-called advances.

  • The fear of becoming a “burden” is enormous, so I keep my needs to myself and try to be as independent as possible, which tends to add stress.

  • I have lists of projects to complete, but lately my body has been saying no more often, creating doubt and anxiety.

What the experts say:

• Experts recommend engaging with family and friends, joining a close-knit community, or taking a paid or volunteer job. In other words, getting involved in activities that give our lives meaning.

What I’m also finding to be true:

• After my husband died, I lost friends - we no longer had things in common, they didn’t know what to say to me, and I often felt like a third wheel.

• My son, my grandson, and their families moved out of state, so our interactions are primarily by text. I’m lonely for the face-to-face contact with them.

• I can do what experts recommend, and that doesn’t change the fact that the love of my life is no longer here to share it with me.

So, now I take what they say with a grain of salt, determine if and how it applies to me, and plan accordingly. Because at the end of the day, I’m responsible for my life and choices.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles.