I’m realizing firsthand that aging is an emotional journey as well as a physical one. Our later years can be challenging due to added stress, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, family concerns, burnout, and trauma.
This is so true. The experts have no clue. Unless they've experienced loss and aging first hand. I'm in month five and instead of things lightening up, the grief is brutal. I'm not bothering now thinking this will pass. The hole is too deep to fill or even cover. I finally accepted I must move out of the area. He isn't coming back and I can no longer wait for a sign. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed a sign to ease my mind. I hadn't put any bird seed out since Carl died, and of course no birds came to visit during this brutal winter. Until today. One lone mourning dove. He sat on the railing long enough for me to take a photo of him. I left and came back a while later and he returned, also. He perched and I stood at the window and we admired one another for several minutes, almost 15 to be exact. I don't think I've ever witnessed a bird in one place for so long. Carl used to get a kick over my bird watching. Now I can leave, knowing I had a sign.
Hi Patti, Your words are so on point for me as well. "The hole is too deep to fill or even cover." It's been five years - maybe it's been the hardest year because the enormity of 'never again' has really sunk in. I knew he wasn't coming back, but what that is turning out to mean is something else.
I'm right with you. The reality and heaviness are setting in. I think numbness blurred the stark reality. Since never having been in a situation like this I'm struggling navigating. The big three: loss of my beloved, moving, and recovery are all sources of great pain and stress. Decisions are all but overwhelming and second-guessing myself is really crippling.
I'm so sorry aging is so difficult. Losing Dan was just brutal... aging without him must be, well, I can't imagine where you are in the journey. But I have an idea, and wish I had something to ease the struggle and pain for you. I feel it in every single word you write. You managed to turn some of your grief and loss into helping the rest of us try to get through... you are brave, an inspiration, and a gift. And it was losing Dan that helped spotlight your gift for the rest of us. You honor him through your message. I aspire to somehow do the same for the gifts Carl gave me in our short but blissful time together. I'm lucky. You are, too. So many have never experienced the love and companionship we had. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I married one time at 62, and got it right the first and last time. I only wish I might have had a little longer, I don't think we ever got out of the honeymoon stage.
Hi Patti, Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. You are absolutely right, the newsletter would never have happened if Dan were alive. I, too, married only once and got it right the first time despite my parents' wishes. From my outside perspective, I so enjoyed seeing Carl's comments on your posts. The love showed through.
Patti, it’s been ten years for me and I believe in signs! He shows up in the clouds, telling memory stories or just showing off. Like the time in a perfectly clear sky, shortly after his older brother had died, I noticed two small clouds, one leading the other, moving across the tree tops. He was showing his brother around and it gave me such a good heart tug❣️
Hi Janice: thanks for helping make meaning of the ideals around aging that we hear so often. Yes, those can be helpful goals but there is also more complexity in aging that can make trying to reach those goals difficult at times.
Thank you for this honest and vulnerable share. Yes, there are so many changes in later life, and not all are positive. I'm finding my 70s rather different than my 60s!
Hi Stella, maybe because I was Dan's caregiver, and we didn't go anywhere, I didn't notice so much - but the last couple of years have been an eye opener in terms of body capability - or lack thereof.
"The same daily activities that once took little effort now require more, which increases my frustration." Ah, Janice, I find even taking a shower, washing my hair, clipping my nails -- all of it takes twice as long as it used to. Just stepping into the shower requires so much care and caution... sigh
"The fear of becoming a “burden” is enormous, so I keep my needs to myself". I do the same. Where do I find the balance between keeping my son informed without sounding like a whiner. When I feel a great need to WHINE, damn it! ha ha ha.
I know what you mean about stepping in the shower - done with great caution these days. Sometimes it's nice to find that person who is willing to listen to our whines - just to get them out of our system, do you suppose?
Grief can be so devastating. When my wife died, I was in a fog for months, continually. There didn't seem to be any handles left. What was my purpose? Who was I? What do I do now? Why is it so hard to breath? If you can find one thing that gives you a measure of relief, hold on to it. For me, finding others who had also experienced a loss was comforting. Slowly allowing myself to feel joy again was huge. Remember, it's okay to not be okay. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and stop shoulding all over yourself. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to express these thoughts in public. So many people need it!
Janice, I’m now four score and seven… just a bit older than you, and I relate to all you’ve mentioned about this time in our lives. So much of what we deal with is in the cards we’re dealt. Fortunately I’m in decent health which removes most stress issues but giving up my car makes me more dependent than I like. Rule # 1… as you mentioned, no whining‼️
Yes, I am in decent health as well, but giving up my car was a big blow. I understand that it was a wise decision; however, the loss of independence is ever-present.
So true. I identify very well with all your points, but especially with so much one wants to do, but the body doesn't want to play along with everything!
I feel for you and understand from a “Still married to the one I love” situation. We are both appreciative of time we have now to gently choose our days but there is that “Feeling” we both don’t name …how long can we keep doing this without needing help. Our GP recently mentioned to my husband (77 and with chronic health conditions) had he considered joining up to our government provided Aged Care system. And whilst that is a good plan neither of us are quite ready! Hard isn’t it?
Hi Denyse, yes, it is definitely hard. To prepare for the future, I visited a senior living facility twice. The first time, I couldn't get myself in the door, the second visit, I took the tour - and knew -without a doubt - that it was not for me. It is a good plan for some - obviously not so much for me - at least for the foreseeable future.
Oh Janice at least you know “not” what you want. Navigating this, as it seems for you, with no local family support is very tough. Take care & I so appreciate your writing! Denyse x
I find my aging process to be meandering along at its own speed and I do not try to catch up or slow it down. I am almost 68, have arthritic joints, lots of age spots, have never really been bothered by menopause and like to nap. However, I write weekly posts, I write pen and paper letters, I attend a weekly Bible Study, and part of a Book Club, see my Grands and kids when I can and love to read. I use my energy wisely and some days I have more and other days I would love to stay in bed. I have a good handle on my emotions and love to have time alone, eat more than I used to. Happy to be an Old Gal!!😃💞🔥
Hi Janice. I turn 60 in a couple of weeks and feel that this is an exciting new phase for me. At the same time I also worry about aging and being healthy. But all we can do is the best we can on the obvious stuff like nutrition and fitness. And make sure we have fabulous friendships too. If we worry too much about getting it "right" then this just creates a stressor. (I'm really telling myself that last sentence!)
Every sentence sounds like we have been talking face to face over a cup of coffee.
I’m in my 70’s almost 76 and I lost my husband, my best friend a little over five years ago.
My body and my mind are tired but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. I try to stay active but my knees don’t always agree with my mind.
Life has gotten better for me because I met a wonderful man and he is a widower. We talk about everything under the sun.
Because of him, I get out and about more. We laugh and tease and just have fun doing the most mundane things.
For me, life is better with a partner. A bonus is that all four of my daughters really like him.
I’m a mother of four intelligent, beautiful and kind daughters, grandmother of ten grandchildren and three great grandchildren.
I hear you Janice. I want to maintain agency and capability but aging touches us all. How to inhabit aging and still live my life is my focus now. Adaptation will be required. Take care.
Hi Robyn, There is the key - how to be our age and the circumstances involved while still honoring the self. It's the topic of the article I am writing for next week. Finding the middle ground.
I’m realizing firsthand that aging is an emotional journey as well as a physical one. Our later years can be challenging due to added stress, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, family concerns, burnout, and trauma.
This is so true. The experts have no clue. Unless they've experienced loss and aging first hand. I'm in month five and instead of things lightening up, the grief is brutal. I'm not bothering now thinking this will pass. The hole is too deep to fill or even cover. I finally accepted I must move out of the area. He isn't coming back and I can no longer wait for a sign. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed a sign to ease my mind. I hadn't put any bird seed out since Carl died, and of course no birds came to visit during this brutal winter. Until today. One lone mourning dove. He sat on the railing long enough for me to take a photo of him. I left and came back a while later and he returned, also. He perched and I stood at the window and we admired one another for several minutes, almost 15 to be exact. I don't think I've ever witnessed a bird in one place for so long. Carl used to get a kick over my bird watching. Now I can leave, knowing I had a sign.
Hi Patti, Your words are so on point for me as well. "The hole is too deep to fill or even cover." It's been five years - maybe it's been the hardest year because the enormity of 'never again' has really sunk in. I knew he wasn't coming back, but what that is turning out to mean is something else.
I'm right with you. The reality and heaviness are setting in. I think numbness blurred the stark reality. Since never having been in a situation like this I'm struggling navigating. The big three: loss of my beloved, moving, and recovery are all sources of great pain and stress. Decisions are all but overwhelming and second-guessing myself is really crippling.
I'm so sorry aging is so difficult. Losing Dan was just brutal... aging without him must be, well, I can't imagine where you are in the journey. But I have an idea, and wish I had something to ease the struggle and pain for you. I feel it in every single word you write. You managed to turn some of your grief and loss into helping the rest of us try to get through... you are brave, an inspiration, and a gift. And it was losing Dan that helped spotlight your gift for the rest of us. You honor him through your message. I aspire to somehow do the same for the gifts Carl gave me in our short but blissful time together. I'm lucky. You are, too. So many have never experienced the love and companionship we had. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I married one time at 62, and got it right the first and last time. I only wish I might have had a little longer, I don't think we ever got out of the honeymoon stage.
Hi Patti, Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. You are absolutely right, the newsletter would never have happened if Dan were alive. I, too, married only once and got it right the first time despite my parents' wishes. From my outside perspective, I so enjoyed seeing Carl's comments on your posts. The love showed through.
This made my day. Thank you, Janice.
Patti, it’s been ten years for me and I believe in signs! He shows up in the clouds, telling memory stories or just showing off. Like the time in a perfectly clear sky, shortly after his older brother had died, I noticed two small clouds, one leading the other, moving across the tree tops. He was showing his brother around and it gave me such a good heart tug❣️
Hi Janice: thanks for helping make meaning of the ideals around aging that we hear so often. Yes, those can be helpful goals but there is also more complexity in aging that can make trying to reach those goals difficult at times.
Hi Janet, Very true and well said - there is so much more complexity involved in aging than we typically talk about.
Thank you for this honest and vulnerable share. Yes, there are so many changes in later life, and not all are positive. I'm finding my 70s rather different than my 60s!
Hi Stella, maybe because I was Dan's caregiver, and we didn't go anywhere, I didn't notice so much - but the last couple of years have been an eye opener in terms of body capability - or lack thereof.
"The same daily activities that once took little effort now require more, which increases my frustration." Ah, Janice, I find even taking a shower, washing my hair, clipping my nails -- all of it takes twice as long as it used to. Just stepping into the shower requires so much care and caution... sigh
"The fear of becoming a “burden” is enormous, so I keep my needs to myself". I do the same. Where do I find the balance between keeping my son informed without sounding like a whiner. When I feel a great need to WHINE, damn it! ha ha ha.
I know what you mean about stepping in the shower - done with great caution these days. Sometimes it's nice to find that person who is willing to listen to our whines - just to get them out of our system, do you suppose?
Definitely. You and I have a lot in common. Maybe we can take turns whining to each other. Ha ha ha.
It's a deal.
Grief can be so devastating. When my wife died, I was in a fog for months, continually. There didn't seem to be any handles left. What was my purpose? Who was I? What do I do now? Why is it so hard to breath? If you can find one thing that gives you a measure of relief, hold on to it. For me, finding others who had also experienced a loss was comforting. Slowly allowing myself to feel joy again was huge. Remember, it's okay to not be okay. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and stop shoulding all over yourself. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to express these thoughts in public. So many people need it!
Hi, you offer so much wisdom, and thank you.
The wisdom comes from going through the pain with eyes open. That is why I say suffering is a gift.
The only “experts on aging that I pay attention to any more are those, like you - and me - who are speaking from lived experience.
Hi Susan, six years ago, I had no clue. It wasn't until my husband died that I began to understand.
Janice, I’m now four score and seven… just a bit older than you, and I relate to all you’ve mentioned about this time in our lives. So much of what we deal with is in the cards we’re dealt. Fortunately I’m in decent health which removes most stress issues but giving up my car makes me more dependent than I like. Rule # 1… as you mentioned, no whining‼️
Hi Karen,
Yes, I am in decent health as well, but giving up my car was a big blow. I understand that it was a wise decision; however, the loss of independence is ever-present.
So true. I identify very well with all your points, but especially with so much one wants to do, but the body doesn't want to play along with everything!
Hi Frieda, it's very frustrating, isn't it?
I feel for you and understand from a “Still married to the one I love” situation. We are both appreciative of time we have now to gently choose our days but there is that “Feeling” we both don’t name …how long can we keep doing this without needing help. Our GP recently mentioned to my husband (77 and with chronic health conditions) had he considered joining up to our government provided Aged Care system. And whilst that is a good plan neither of us are quite ready! Hard isn’t it?
Hi Denyse, yes, it is definitely hard. To prepare for the future, I visited a senior living facility twice. The first time, I couldn't get myself in the door, the second visit, I took the tour - and knew -without a doubt - that it was not for me. It is a good plan for some - obviously not so much for me - at least for the foreseeable future.
Oh Janice at least you know “not” what you want. Navigating this, as it seems for you, with no local family support is very tough. Take care & I so appreciate your writing! Denyse x
Hi Denyse, That's true. I am very clear about what I don't want. My daughter is close by, which is a big plus for me.
I find my aging process to be meandering along at its own speed and I do not try to catch up or slow it down. I am almost 68, have arthritic joints, lots of age spots, have never really been bothered by menopause and like to nap. However, I write weekly posts, I write pen and paper letters, I attend a weekly Bible Study, and part of a Book Club, see my Grands and kids when I can and love to read. I use my energy wisely and some days I have more and other days I would love to stay in bed. I have a good handle on my emotions and love to have time alone, eat more than I used to. Happy to be an Old Gal!!😃💞🔥
Hi Mary Ann, It sounds as if you have things well in hand.
Thanks Janice. Life is good. 😊
Hi Janice. I turn 60 in a couple of weeks and feel that this is an exciting new phase for me. At the same time I also worry about aging and being healthy. But all we can do is the best we can on the obvious stuff like nutrition and fitness. And make sure we have fabulous friendships too. If we worry too much about getting it "right" then this just creates a stressor. (I'm really telling myself that last sentence!)
Hi Cali, and that last sentence is very wise. All we can do is the best we can, given our circumstances. BTW, Happy Birthday, a few weeks early.
Every sentence sounds like we have been talking face to face over a cup of coffee.
I’m in my 70’s almost 76 and I lost my husband, my best friend a little over five years ago.
My body and my mind are tired but I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. I try to stay active but my knees don’t always agree with my mind.
Life has gotten better for me because I met a wonderful man and he is a widower. We talk about everything under the sun.
Because of him, I get out and about more. We laugh and tease and just have fun doing the most mundane things.
For me, life is better with a partner. A bonus is that all four of my daughters really like him.
I’m a mother of four intelligent, beautiful and kind daughters, grandmother of ten grandchildren and three great grandchildren.
Hi Connie - While I like living alone, I agree life is or would be better with a partner. It sounds as if you have found a lovely balance.
I hear you Janice. I want to maintain agency and capability but aging touches us all. How to inhabit aging and still live my life is my focus now. Adaptation will be required. Take care.
Hi Robyn, There is the key - how to be our age and the circumstances involved while still honoring the self. It's the topic of the article I am writing for next week. Finding the middle ground.