Aging Well Requires Emotional Work

More Than We Realize

Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

I’m an older woman - some would say really old - I just renewed the lease on my lovely apartment, I have two wonderful cats, no financial concerns, and minor health issues. My career is writing. I have numerous hobbies, and family and friends support me. Life is good. At the same time, I struggle with anger, anxiety, doubt, frustration, and deep sadness, for seemingly no apparent reason.

In recent articles, I discussed how aging is often emotionally harder than we expect. Readers confirmed that point: many of us anticipate and accept the physical changes we experience as we grow older, but we’re less aware of their emotional impact.

As it turns out, aging well is not simply a matter of staying positive or managing medical care. It also requires deliberately adjusting to losses, renegotiating identity, and choosing how to respond to change.

Losses in aging tend to accumulate, often occurring one after another before previous ones are completely processed. I’m also finding that rather than a single loss, they come in clusters.

I was somewhat prepared for my husband’s death on a practical level. However, I wasn’t prepared for the secondary losses of identity, confidence, friendships, and everyday life without him, or for the feelings that came with them.

Experts suggest that we tackle loneliness by spending time with family and friends, or joining community-based organizations such as churches, senior centers, or adult education classes.

What I’m finding:

• I get together with family and friends, but I cherish my alone time and feel most safe at home.

• I’ve gone to the Senior Center and attended Adult Education Classes, but not anymore. Playing cards, making puzzles, or line dancing aren’t for me. I’ve taken more classes than I can count over the years, but now I can learn anything I want at home, thanks to the Internet and YouTube.

Experts say that walking or doing yoga to reduce anxiety and improve sleep helps regulate emotions and makes us feel good.

What I’m finding:

• I exercise daily, but less vigorously than before because my knees complain, which causes anxiety when they hurt and frustration because I can’t do more.

• My sleep is interrupted most nights with trips to the bathroom, hot flashes, and a cat who insists on sleeping as close as possible. A couple of weeks ago, it was interrupted by an earthquake - that’s California for you.

Experts explain that practicing deep-breathing exercises, meditation, or journaling can help us manage stress and reduce excessive worrying.

What I’m finding:

• I haven’t been successful with deep breathing or meditation, but I practice Qigong, which combines exercise, breathing, and mindfulness. I also journal daily - worries still tend to sneak in.

Experts tell us to structure the day with consistent habits, such as hobbies, volunteering, or caregiving, something that provides a sense of purpose.

What I’m finding:

• I have several hobbies, and writing the newsletter provides a sense of purpose, but the deep sadness of a special someone’s absence remains.

Experts advise us to focus on proactive problem-solving, like setting daily intentions or viewing emotional situations objectively.

• What I’m finding:

  • I do set daily intentions and focus on solutions, but anger, fear, and sorrow linger.

  • As for viewing emotional situations objectively, I find that’s easier said than done. Unexpected but valid feelings arise at inopportune times, and they deserve to be honored.

Aging well is not accidental. It requires attention, emotional honesty, and a willingness to work with the life we still have. The losses are real. So is our capacity to respond thoughtfully. The goal isn’t to eliminate our emotions — but to remain steady, engaged, and respectful of them.

My question is this: What emotional changes in aging have surprised you the most? For me, it’s been the increased worry coupled with a loss of self-confidence.

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles.