Aging well is not accidental. It requires attention, emotional honesty, and a willingness to work with the life we still have. The losses are real. So is our capacity to respond thoughtfully. The goal isn’t to eliminate our emotions — but to remain steady, engaged, and respectful of them.
Wonderful article. And so honest. I would love to hear from folks *leaning towards being extroverts*. Somehow I married an introvert and my handful of friends are too?! I have learned to dial it down and listen!
I do have a life long passion. I never tire of my horse, Sunny, and being at the barn with 11 other horses. Lucky for me the barn is nestled in a 1500 acre nation park of former dairy country with rolling hills, woods and cultivated farm land. Dairy operations gone.
Hi Dew, both my husband and I were introverts - we never needed anyone else because we had each other. On the other hand, my daughter tends to be an extrovert and is involved in as many activities as she can find - her passion is cats.
I second all your sentiments about emotional aging & add the dichotomy 'battle' between slowing the progression thru functional maintenance & graceful acceptance of what we are powerless to control. Peer social support is so crucial going thru these changes. For what defines the new normal when it may be uniquely different for each one of us.
Emotions remind us we are human. It's okay, even healthy, to name it, claim it, and then let it be. Anytime I find myself upset about something I can do absolutely nothing about, I set a mental time limit for worrying about it. I call it having a nervoulous breakdown. Twenty-five minutes and let it go.
The weight of the emotional work load has been the biggest surprise for me about aging. As an introvert, joining anything just adds to the burden. Reading has been the only reliable resource I have found to help cope.
Hi Sherry, I have to agree. I just had no idea that I would have strong emotions, particularly after my husband died. My alone time has become even more important.
I like trying one or two meetings on zoom a month. I find them on Meet-up or websites I visit. A little more engaging than tv and not so draining as joining a group.
Such a thoughtful and self-revelatory post, Janice. Thank you for always being so honest with us. I had to smile at this one statement: "At the same time, I struggle with anger, anxiety, doubt, frustration, and deep sadness, for seemingly no apparent reason." Oh, we have a reason, my dear one, we have a reason. We are homo sapiens. ☺️
In my 81 years I have come to learn that our goal is to strive for the ultimate in mental health as well as physical health. You are not living your best life if either is lacking.
Thank you for this. A little reality goes a long way in a world flooded with advice.
I remember how we were introduced at school to the metamorphosis that adolescence brought. I think we need more understanding of the getting old metamorphosis. They both have their challenges.
Hi Anne - What a great way of thinking about it - metamorphoses and challenges. That's the thing, what I kept finding online were platitudes, and they didn't seem to match my experience at all.
Quite. AND there must come a time when we can think that we didn’t live the way we’re currently supposed to - but hey! We’re still here! Full of carbs!
My husband was my best friend. Since his death I spend some time with adult children but my preference is solitude and brief conversations with people I see on my morning walks ; I like my alone time
Hi Jeanne, I can relate to what you are saying. Today, my best friends are my adult children, and I definitely prefer solitude and cherish my alone time.
The gap between the life that looks fine from the outside and the grief still moving through you — that’s the part no checklist reaches. The secondary losses after your husband’s death — identity, confidence, the ordinary rhythm of a shared day — those are the ones that catch us completely off guard. Thank you for naming them so honestly.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability about feeling so emotional in this time in your life. I needed to read that because I have been very emotional and sad as well. Especially, the last 11 months since retiring.
Yesterday I read an article that confirmed for me, what I was feeling was spot on and many of the reasons why.
I shed a few tears through out the article obviously because it hit home. Before I explain, may I say, a lot is going well in my life and most of the time I feel happy. The area I want to strengthen in my life is creating stronger bonds with a couple of people I care about. But I didn't know exactly how until this article.
The article was about why some people may unconsciously or consciously not want to be your friend and why you may not feel as connected as you would like to be.
In a nutshell, it's about if you're not being your authentic self, saying how you really feel, not worring about abandoment, sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries people can trust you like they want to trust a friend. Again, it could be a unconsciously. I cried because after my husband and I went to therapy for years and rid ourselves of our toxic abusive families and toxic friendships we were fine. What I discovered, in the article, I am still playing the same role that I did in both families- Peace Maker!
You see, to be a peacemaker you are nice to others when they make jabs or use a tone with you. You make excuses why they did that. Your nice, when explaining away all the reasons why you feel the way you do and why you deserve respect and why they should listen to you! I thought I had gotten past all those behaviors. On and on.
I cried because I realized I still let my daughter snap at me. I let 2 people, 1 a stranger and an acquaintance make a unrevoke jabs at me and then I explained myself to them. Of course I was nice. Truth is, I cried out of shame for allowing, explaining and not placing up boundaries. I cried because I still go along to get along. I cried because I don't always tell someone how I feel if I know they have a difference veiw on a hot topic or subject because I want them to like me. I come to realize, the first thing I need to do is put up boundaries! Second, put their behavior back on them, by asking
My experience of aging is mostly very good (though we'll see what happens if/when my husband dies before I do - that's such a fundamentally difficult change).
I think the thing that has the biggest positive impact on me as I age - and i just realized this recently - is that I assume that my natural state is happiness, contentment and gratitude. I don't know why I've come to make that assumption, but it has the effect of also making me assume that when I experience feelings like sadness, boredom, anger, anxiety, fear or frustration that they are transitory and that I'll return to my natural state soon, with some reasonable effort.
Hi Erika, my husband's death was definitely a game-changer. We met when we were 12, and our parents were good friends. So, he was a big part of my life before we got married, and then for 60 years of marriage. Even though I knew it was coming, my world changed overnight. I like your assumption - that seems like a good place to be.
Wonderful, intelligent and informative post, which I'm happy to see has reached many, many people. There are just so many of us. We are an army of humans who won't be around much longer. May we all find peace and joy in our remaining years because, like it or not, they are numbered for all of us.
This is very true. Aging well is a commitment, and some days are more challenging than others. Nothing is predictable any longer. Today my right knee is hurting so no gym, it’ll be a stretching session at home.
Aging well is not accidental. It requires attention, emotional honesty, and a willingness to work with the life we still have. The losses are real. So is our capacity to respond thoughtfully. The goal isn’t to eliminate our emotions — but to remain steady, engaged, and respectful of them.
Loss of confidence.
Wonderful article. And so honest. I would love to hear from folks *leaning towards being extroverts*. Somehow I married an introvert and my handful of friends are too?! I have learned to dial it down and listen!
I do have a life long passion. I never tire of my horse, Sunny, and being at the barn with 11 other horses. Lucky for me the barn is nestled in a 1500 acre nation park of former dairy country with rolling hills, woods and cultivated farm land. Dairy operations gone.
Hi Dew, both my husband and I were introverts - we never needed anyone else because we had each other. On the other hand, my daughter tends to be an extrovert and is involved in as many activities as she can find - her passion is cats.
This! Yes!!!! Thank you so much for your beautiful, honest, encouraging & incredibly motivating writing.
I second all your sentiments about emotional aging & add the dichotomy 'battle' between slowing the progression thru functional maintenance & graceful acceptance of what we are powerless to control. Peer social support is so crucial going thru these changes. For what defines the new normal when it may be uniquely different for each one of us.
Hi Carol - You make a very good point, the new normal couldn't help but be unique and different for each of us.
Emotions remind us we are human. It's okay, even healthy, to name it, claim it, and then let it be. Anytime I find myself upset about something I can do absolutely nothing about, I set a mental time limit for worrying about it. I call it having a nervoulous breakdown. Twenty-five minutes and let it go.
Hi Theresa, I like that - the mental time limit.
So wise, Theresa. A good reminder. Though I like my limit to be shorter.
The weight of the emotional work load has been the biggest surprise for me about aging. As an introvert, joining anything just adds to the burden. Reading has been the only reliable resource I have found to help cope.
Hi Sherry, I have to agree. I just had no idea that I would have strong emotions, particularly after my husband died. My alone time has become even more important.
I like trying one or two meetings on zoom a month. I find them on Meet-up or websites I visit. A little more engaging than tv and not so draining as joining a group.
Hi Meredith, I had no idea. Thanks so much for sharing it.
Such a thoughtful and self-revelatory post, Janice. Thank you for always being so honest with us. I had to smile at this one statement: "At the same time, I struggle with anger, anxiety, doubt, frustration, and deep sadness, for seemingly no apparent reason." Oh, we have a reason, my dear one, we have a reason. We are homo sapiens. ☺️
Hi Sharron, Good point! We are human.
Thoughts and emotions seem to cycle don’t they?
Hi Jill, that they do!
But there is something to that "for no apparent reason" - it does seem random sometimes, in a way it didn't when I was younger.
🙄
Great article to read. Thanx JW.
In my 81 years I have come to learn that our goal is to strive for the ultimate in mental health as well as physical health. You are not living your best life if either is lacking.
I couldn't agree more.
Thank you for this. A little reality goes a long way in a world flooded with advice.
I remember how we were introduced at school to the metamorphosis that adolescence brought. I think we need more understanding of the getting old metamorphosis. They both have their challenges.
Hi Anne - What a great way of thinking about it - metamorphoses and challenges. That's the thing, what I kept finding online were platitudes, and they didn't seem to match my experience at all.
Quite. AND there must come a time when we can think that we didn’t live the way we’re currently supposed to - but hey! We’re still here! Full of carbs!
My husband was my best friend. Since his death I spend some time with adult children but my preference is solitude and brief conversations with people I see on my morning walks ; I like my alone time
Hi Jeanne, I can relate to what you are saying. Today, my best friends are my adult children, and I definitely prefer solitude and cherish my alone time.
For me, observing feelings and letting them be is a very helpful way to avoid becoming one with them and letting them take me into a hole.
The gap between the life that looks fine from the outside and the grief still moving through you — that’s the part no checklist reaches. The secondary losses after your husband’s death — identity, confidence, the ordinary rhythm of a shared day — those are the ones that catch us completely off guard. Thank you for naming them so honestly.
Hi Janice,
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability about feeling so emotional in this time in your life. I needed to read that because I have been very emotional and sad as well. Especially, the last 11 months since retiring.
Yesterday I read an article that confirmed for me, what I was feeling was spot on and many of the reasons why.
I shed a few tears through out the article obviously because it hit home. Before I explain, may I say, a lot is going well in my life and most of the time I feel happy. The area I want to strengthen in my life is creating stronger bonds with a couple of people I care about. But I didn't know exactly how until this article.
The article was about why some people may unconsciously or consciously not want to be your friend and why you may not feel as connected as you would like to be.
In a nutshell, it's about if you're not being your authentic self, saying how you really feel, not worring about abandoment, sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries people can trust you like they want to trust a friend. Again, it could be a unconsciously. I cried because after my husband and I went to therapy for years and rid ourselves of our toxic abusive families and toxic friendships we were fine. What I discovered, in the article, I am still playing the same role that I did in both families- Peace Maker!
You see, to be a peacemaker you are nice to others when they make jabs or use a tone with you. You make excuses why they did that. Your nice, when explaining away all the reasons why you feel the way you do and why you deserve respect and why they should listen to you! I thought I had gotten past all those behaviors. On and on.
I cried because I realized I still let my daughter snap at me. I let 2 people, 1 a stranger and an acquaintance make a unrevoke jabs at me and then I explained myself to them. Of course I was nice. Truth is, I cried out of shame for allowing, explaining and not placing up boundaries. I cried because I still go along to get along. I cried because I don't always tell someone how I feel if I know they have a difference veiw on a hot topic or subject because I want them to like me. I come to realize, the first thing I need to do is put up boundaries! Second, put their behavior back on them, by asking
Janice, I love the honesty of your writing.
My experience of aging is mostly very good (though we'll see what happens if/when my husband dies before I do - that's such a fundamentally difficult change).
I think the thing that has the biggest positive impact on me as I age - and i just realized this recently - is that I assume that my natural state is happiness, contentment and gratitude. I don't know why I've come to make that assumption, but it has the effect of also making me assume that when I experience feelings like sadness, boredom, anger, anxiety, fear or frustration that they are transitory and that I'll return to my natural state soon, with some reasonable effort.
And I do, at least so far.
Hi Erika, my husband's death was definitely a game-changer. We met when we were 12, and our parents were good friends. So, he was a big part of my life before we got married, and then for 60 years of marriage. Even though I knew it was coming, my world changed overnight. I like your assumption - that seems like a good place to be.
I can’t imagine.
Wishing you all the joy, curiosity and gratitude. 😘
Wonderful, intelligent and informative post, which I'm happy to see has reached many, many people. There are just so many of us. We are an army of humans who won't be around much longer. May we all find peace and joy in our remaining years because, like it or not, they are numbered for all of us.
I won’t imagine ever losing my wife. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. Thank you for sharing your true self.
This is very true. Aging well is a commitment, and some days are more challenging than others. Nothing is predictable any longer. Today my right knee is hurting so no gym, it’ll be a stretching session at home.
Thanks. Well said!!
Whining about some emotions you dont care for is beneath you. You know that feelings will come and go, and that is being human at any age.
Why complain about solutions offered to you? Work harder yourself to create the life you want. No one owes you anything.