This is such an intense subject, it's difficult to wrap my mind around it. I can't imagine having go through this, though witnessed it numerous times in assisted living facilities; and oftentimes with friends and families who are caregivers. This is solid information I'm passing along in hopes of sharing with those in the thick... Many times we are in the thick and can't see or acknowledge "it isn't right" or even imagine solutions... We just put up with it. Great read, as always, Janice. Your work is valuable. Thank you.
Hi Patti, Thank you. I just credited the abusive behavior to being part of the disease and what I had to manage. I really didn't think in terms of abuse, until it was pointed out to me.
This is crucial information for those dealing with this behavior. My Dad had dementia and watching someone literally lose themselves emotionally and intellectually (as well as physically) is overwhelming. As a society we need to understand these unique needs and make resources readily available for families.
So glad you came up with a plan. It hurts so bad when you are trying so hard. Alzheimer’s is so hurtful for the whole family. Have you heard of Bradshaw. He would say a family is like a mobile. If one thing moves with the wind, everybody has to move to balance. I am sure your children felt awful with the changes in their dad.
"When a situation became too contentious, I sat in the car or went out, but he didn’t remember I was gone or why." To me, this was the hardest part. He didn't remember what he did or what he said. He started out new every time you entered the room. All the love and kindness and explanations you had patiently given him were all forgotten. And everything was about him. He had no empathy or appreciation left in him. He was no longer your sweet Dan. My mother was no longer my mother ( though she was not abusive.) It is amazing that both you and I did not go insane. Thank you for writing these experiences Janice. You are helping so many.
Hi Sharron, That was such a huge part of the pain - watching him change - losing him to a disease and not able to do a darn thing about it. Dan and your Mom became different people over the course of the dementia.
My heart hurts for you. It doesn’t matter that it is the disease when it is being used to attack you. A caregiver is a gift from God. You are a saint for having been able to hold on to any love you had for a man screaming at you. There is medication for this type of behavior and I am so sorry you didn’t receive information regarding it. Yes, he maybe a bit out of it, but you would not have been his whipping post.
Hi Susan, I knew there was no medication for Alzheimer's, but, in retrospect, we could have gotten prescriptions to calm his anger and anxieties, which would have helped me. We finally get on that track, but he wouldn't take the pills, so I crushed and mixed them in yogurt for his breakfast. If I set the pills out, he would hide them - he didn't think they helped.
I wonder about the kapok website that essentially says caregiver recipients are aware that they are abusing the caregiver. Do you think that's true with dementia patients, especially farther along in their disease? I could definitely see them becoming angry and taking their frustrations over their situation out on anyone around them. It must be frightening to feel so out of control and maybe no even knowing what was happening to them. Did you and Dan talk about the fact that he had dementia early on? I remember my mom turning to me at one point and saying, "What's happening to me?" It broke my heart. She and I were fortunate...she was never abusive until her last breath. My ex-father-in-law also had dementia. He was verbally abusive to his wife. I sometimes wondered if he was aware because she had been very mean and domineering with him before he became ill.
Thank you for continuing to post your thoughts and research on dementia.
Hi Heather, I can only go with my own experience. Dan's dementia surfaced after surgery. So rather than label him with a disease, I blamed it on the surgery.
Like your Mom, he had lucid moments when he knew something was off, but he quickly forgot the conversations. I so agree, it must be horrible to feel so out of control and not be able to do things you have done for years.
More than once, Dan talked about how much he appreciated what I was doing and that he would never do anything to hurt me. So, it was sometimes yes and sometimes no about his knowing.
As the dementia progressed, I saw more and more of his father's traits coming to the surface.
Many articles talk about caregivers abusing the patient, but fewer discuss patients abusing the caregiver.
Really helpful insights ❤️
This is such an intense subject, it's difficult to wrap my mind around it. I can't imagine having go through this, though witnessed it numerous times in assisted living facilities; and oftentimes with friends and families who are caregivers. This is solid information I'm passing along in hopes of sharing with those in the thick... Many times we are in the thick and can't see or acknowledge "it isn't right" or even imagine solutions... We just put up with it. Great read, as always, Janice. Your work is valuable. Thank you.
Hi Patti, Thank you. I just credited the abusive behavior to being part of the disease and what I had to manage. I really didn't think in terms of abuse, until it was pointed out to me.
That's what made the piece so enlightening. I wouldn't have done so either, except seeing blatantly done to those few I mentioned.
This is crucial information for those dealing with this behavior. My Dad had dementia and watching someone literally lose themselves emotionally and intellectually (as well as physically) is overwhelming. As a society we need to understand these unique needs and make resources readily available for families.
So glad you came up with a plan. It hurts so bad when you are trying so hard. Alzheimer’s is so hurtful for the whole family. Have you heard of Bradshaw. He would say a family is like a mobile. If one thing moves with the wind, everybody has to move to balance. I am sure your children felt awful with the changes in their dad.
"When a situation became too contentious, I sat in the car or went out, but he didn’t remember I was gone or why." To me, this was the hardest part. He didn't remember what he did or what he said. He started out new every time you entered the room. All the love and kindness and explanations you had patiently given him were all forgotten. And everything was about him. He had no empathy or appreciation left in him. He was no longer your sweet Dan. My mother was no longer my mother ( though she was not abusive.) It is amazing that both you and I did not go insane. Thank you for writing these experiences Janice. You are helping so many.
Hi Sharron, That was such a huge part of the pain - watching him change - losing him to a disease and not able to do a darn thing about it. Dan and your Mom became different people over the course of the dementia.
My heart breaks for you, when I read this, Janice. You're an amazing woman.
Hi Prue, Thank you. It was a tough time, for sure. At least if I had to do it now, I would have better tools to work with.
My heart hurts for you. It doesn’t matter that it is the disease when it is being used to attack you. A caregiver is a gift from God. You are a saint for having been able to hold on to any love you had for a man screaming at you. There is medication for this type of behavior and I am so sorry you didn’t receive information regarding it. Yes, he maybe a bit out of it, but you would not have been his whipping post.
Hi Susan, I knew there was no medication for Alzheimer's, but, in retrospect, we could have gotten prescriptions to calm his anger and anxieties, which would have helped me. We finally get on that track, but he wouldn't take the pills, so I crushed and mixed them in yogurt for his breakfast. If I set the pills out, he would hide them - he didn't think they helped.
I wonder about the kapok website that essentially says caregiver recipients are aware that they are abusing the caregiver. Do you think that's true with dementia patients, especially farther along in their disease? I could definitely see them becoming angry and taking their frustrations over their situation out on anyone around them. It must be frightening to feel so out of control and maybe no even knowing what was happening to them. Did you and Dan talk about the fact that he had dementia early on? I remember my mom turning to me at one point and saying, "What's happening to me?" It broke my heart. She and I were fortunate...she was never abusive until her last breath. My ex-father-in-law also had dementia. He was verbally abusive to his wife. I sometimes wondered if he was aware because she had been very mean and domineering with him before he became ill.
Thank you for continuing to post your thoughts and research on dementia.
Hi Heather, I can only go with my own experience. Dan's dementia surfaced after surgery. So rather than label him with a disease, I blamed it on the surgery.
Like your Mom, he had lucid moments when he knew something was off, but he quickly forgot the conversations. I so agree, it must be horrible to feel so out of control and not be able to do things you have done for years.
More than once, Dan talked about how much he appreciated what I was doing and that he would never do anything to hurt me. So, it was sometimes yes and sometimes no about his knowing.
As the dementia progressed, I saw more and more of his father's traits coming to the surface.
💚