Anger, Irritability, and Resentment Increase With Age

What Are They Telling Us?

Photo by Tania Melnyczuk on Unsplash

I was never an angry person, and have been surprised by the absolute fury that has erupted over the past few years. It may have started when I began caring for my husband, Dan, as he dealt with dementia and then died from Covid, but that was years ago. So this anger seems to have additional causes. Sometimes I explode over something very small, which sends the cats into hiding, Bella under the covers, and Bailey behind a chair.

In analyzing myself, I’d say environmental factors, loss of independence, and anxiety are major contributors. Numerous aches and pains, stomach upsets, things I can’t or don’t know how to do, life’s changes and challenges, and fear also play a role.

“Grumpy Old Woman Syndrome” isn’t a medical condition, but a term for older women who are frequently angry, irritable, and resentful. I’d never heard of it before.

Those emotions may stem from unaddressed hurts, unmet needs, and perceived unfairnesses. Irritability is a low-grade form of anger. Resentment is a festering, long-term anger that can harm mental health and relationships if not managed by expressing our needs, being assertive, and confronting underlying issues.

Older adults can be grumpy for various reasons, which include:

• Neurological conditions like Alzheimer’s Disease

• Chronic pain, undiagnosed illnesses, hunger, or general discomfort

• Untreated depression, anxiety, and grief

• Dependence on others for daily tasks, which may create feelings of vulnerability and a sense of lost control

• Changes in routine, overstimulation, loud noises, or unfamiliar surroundings

• Interactions and side effects from multiple prescriptions

• Loneliness and disengagement

Learning about that term helped me understand why I was more irritable and angry than I’d ever been. It wasn’t just me having those feelings for no reason; other older adults had them, too. That knowledge allows me to be kinder to myself when they surface.

But many professionals don’t seem to focus on the role of emotions as much. They make the “Grumpy Old Woman Syndrome” seem like something that’s easily fixed, which may not be true for everyone.

Experts Say:

• Older adults should take a compassionate approach, characterized by patience and understanding of their unique circumstances, when those emotions arise.

• We should manage our anger, irritation, and resentment by identifying the underlying causes, promoting calm through mindfulness and exercise, honoring our feelings, ensuring good communication, and maintaining social connections.

• Lifestyle changes improve emotional regulation - the ability to monitor, evaluate, and modify our emotional reactions.

• Adopting a longevity mindset and viewing challenges as part of growth rather than obstacles can help us avoid these emotions.

What I’m finding:

• I really don’t want to be a grumpy old woman, and I’m compassionate with myself to a degree, but being compassionate is often no match for the many triggers that pop up. A perfect example is the song, “Unchained Melody,” which was popular in 1958, the year we were married. Every time I hear it, I remember, and sadness creeps in.

• Mindfulness can help the feelings subside - but they also come roaring back.

• I’ve changed, but the fact that Dan isn’t here to share in this new life triggers anger, resentment, and sadness.

Acknowledging the facts, taking a break, understanding what causes these emotions, and being compassionate with myself help, but they don’t fix everything either.

It’s worth the effort to keep figuring this out.

Here’s a question for you: If you experience grumpy feelings, what loss or frustration might be underlying them? For me, the answer is the loss of the person I loved and the life I had.

I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over my lifetime and caregiving experience with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles - a handy reference source, if you will.