It happened while I was sitting at the computer—because I spend half my life there. The series of articles I was reading as part of my research led me to realize I wasn’t the person I wanted to be at this stage of my life.
I’d been surprisingly angry with myself for various reasons and not very compassionate or forgiving lately. I was still kind and took care of others, but had a very different set of rules and expectations for me.
Those articles suggested that the relationship with myself was affecting my behavior. If I were frustrated, I criticized me, got discouraged, and gave up. If I were feeling good about myself, I was more willing to patiently continue trying to resolve the issue.
Below, I bring you what I’m finding and my experience at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.
Making choices
Experts say that the relationship with ourselves sets a baseline for how we interact with the rest of the world.
What I’m Finding:
Why am I not thinking of myself as a good friend: practicing kind self-talk, forgiving myself for making mistakes, and spending quality time getting to know my needs?
It’s really a choice and I make it for others.
Why do I have this double standard?
Our inner voice
Experts say we should notice when we are mean to ourselves and switch to a warm, supportive inner voice, accept that we’ll make mistakes, treat failures as a normal part of growth instead of a catastrophe, and protect our energy by saying no to things that drain us.
What I’m Finding:
Switching voices can take effort. Critical thoughts are often deeply engrained, fostered by experience and happen without notice.
It’s true mistakes occur; my goal is to learn from them and modify accordingly.
I try to think in terms of missed-takes and learning opportunities rather than mistakes, which can feel negative and demoralizing.
Saying no is a good idea, but there may be extenuating factors involved, such as wanting to please others or understanding that ‘no’ wouldn’t be the best response given the totality of the circumstances.
Not needing to please others
Experts say having a strong relationship with ourselves can help prevent the need to please and other unhealthy behaviors. They suggest we align our daily choices with self-love for a healthier, more authentic life and think in terms of self-care spanning the body, mind, and soul.
What I’m Finding:
It might be a matter of which is more important: a strong relationship with ourselves or pleasing others. For me, it was pleasing others, but not so much anymore.
I had no idea what it might look like to align my daily choices with self-love. So I did additional research.
Apparently, daily self-love is the continuous choice to prove to ourselves through small, repeated actions that we have our own back.
Oh! As a step in that direction, I installed dictation capabilities so I can at least start my articles vocally, rather than having to type them on a keyboard which is be frustrating given my fingers don’t work as well as they did.
Emotions
Experts say maintaining physical vitality, cultivating mental clarity, and nurturing our spirit establishes a resilient foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling life.
What I’m Finding:
It really does require cultivating mental clarity, nurturing our spirit, and maintaining our physical vitality if we want to age well.
I’m beginning to think of emotions not just as hypothetical thoughts generated in an empty space; but as a conversation between my brain, nervous system, and organs - experiences triggering real, measurable changes throughout the body by way of the nervous system.
Giving ourselves permission
Experts say giving ourselves permission to pause is a powerful act of self-respect and emotional restoration. Stepping away from the demands of caring for others and meeting external expectations offers a space to decompress and reconnect with our inner selves.
What I’m Finding:
Solitude is healing and my desire for time alone is strong after being with others. It truly is rejuvenating.
I also find that stepping away from caring for others and meeting their expectations is quite freeing.
It takes time and sometimes deep soul searching but when we really know ourselves, we can take better care - and maybe age better.
A question for us to ponder is “what does my relationship with myself look like?”
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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.
The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well brings together many of the ideas and themes we’ve discussed. It’s not separate from the newsletter, which is my primary focus, but an extension of it—a way to collect the articles in one place for those of you who may find that format more useful.
This link takes you to the book on Amazon. All proceeds will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association in my husband’s name.
A question to ponder is this "What does my relationship with myself look like? In other words, are we for ourselves or against us?
Janice, I’ve been thinking about many of the same things (my relationship with myself and how it affects everything) and plan to write about that soon. Thanks for your very informative post.