Tough Emotions For Caregivers

And Those Being Cared For

Photo by David Knox on Unsplash

While caring for Dan, I was angry, resentful, and guilty—all in the same hour—furious at repeating myself 30-40 times, indignant at caring for another adult, and guilty at having those feelings. I would lash out, feel ashamed, and immediately smooth things over with a kiss, a hug, or an “I love you.” The good news was that he didn’t remember those times, but I sure did. We rarely fought, and then we were fighting all the time.

It wasn’t only my feelings, though. Dan had some memory loss but managed to work full-time as an online website administrator and was doing fine. After a 9-day hospital stay, which included surgery, anesthesia, and numerous medications, his memory didn’t recover. His life changed forever - practically overnight.

He was confused, depressed, and frustrated at not understanding, being unable to do things he’d done for years, being asked to retire from his job, and not knowing who he was.

All of these are understandable feelings. Dan couldn’t help himself. However, I’m better informed today and would have a different plan.

Articles explain reasons for the less-than-helpful emotions that can arise. As a caregiver, I felt many of them.

• Overwhelming responsibility: I juggled household chores, financial management, and my job.

• Lack of control: I was ill-prepared to face this situation, which appeared out of nowhere.

• Lack of privacy: My personal space and time were interrupted, leading to frustration and resentment.

• Unmet expectations: I was unsure of my ability to care for Dan.

• Role reversal: I went from being a wife and partner to being the parent of a teenager and then a four-year-old.

• Guilt: I had so many “shouds and shouldn’ts” in my head.

While I understood the emotions, managing them was another story. The following websites offer ideas. However, what works for one person may not work for others.

• Caregiver Resentment is Typical: Why it happens and how to mitigate it.

• How to Handle Guilt and Other Caregiving Emotions - Caring for a loved one with an illness or disability can stir up complicated emotions.

• Addressing Caregiver Anger and Resentment - While more than 1 in 5 Americans provide some form of care for a family member, the challenges of caregiving often go unaddressed.

• The Emotional Side of Caregiving - Whether you become a caregiver gradually or due to a crisis, whether you are a caregiver willingly or by default, many emotions surface when you take on the job.

I could manage the practical changes, people were helping, and I talked with a coach regularly, but my emotions were another story.

I used some of those strategies - but found nothing alleviated the pain of watching and managing my husband of 60-plus years change from a loving partner to an angry, abusive adversary.

There were times when he was lucid and utterly depressed; he got confused about where he was, made errors in judgment, and vehemently denied them. We would make doctor appointments, but he’d forget, was belligerent, and refused to go.

So, I’d use additional strategies for both of us - and it would start with me. I would:

• Use more fiblets or therapeutic lies - the small, white lies caregivers tell the person they care for to help them feel better and maintain their emotional well-being.

• Be more assertive - insist on doctor appointments and in-home care.

• Give more orders.

• Consider and help him better manage his feelings.

My caregiving focused on someone with dementia - a disease that creates a specific set of challenges. Still, I imagine that any caregiver of a loved one with a chronic or terminal disease has similar feelings to mine and that people with diseases have feelings similar to Dan's. Emotions play a significant role and must be acknowledged.

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