I Am An Elderly Parent!

How That Feels!

Photo by Alfred Leung on Unsplash

I was rereading the article I wrote recently about Parenting Your Elderly Parents when it dawned on me: - I am one - an 85-year-old widow, living on my own, learning to use the computer and smartphone, managing the house and finances, and pursuing my hobbies like painting and plants.

Fortunately, my family watches out for me, and I greatly appreciate their support. Our deal is that I do my best first, and they step in when I’ve done what I can.

Thanks to them, I started a newsletter, traveled to Hawaii, Mexico, and Alaska, and began playing light pickleball for exercise. I have help with my computer problems and can consult about financial issues. This is a gift beyond description.

My parents and then my husband cared for me most of my life. After he died, my intent was to be totally independent. But I’m finding it isn’t possible! That goal hit a reality check. My eyes, knees, technology, and the aging process have different ideas.

I thought it might be helpful for people who are or may be parenting a parent to know about feelings that the parent might feel as they have to depend on their children in more ways than they want.

Sadness at the loss of control - I never liked driving but did for 50 years - then I had a detached retina and cataract surgery. While I see clearly, double vision and my age raised my driving concerns.

I chose not to renew my driver’s license two years ago. As much as I’m relieved about not having to drive, I feel an enormous loss. I can walk to a lot of services, but not all. It can’t be on my time frame or agenda when I have to ask others to drive.

Guilt

I feel guilty every time I have to ask for a ride or have help with the computer. Family members offer and are willing, but I hate imposing on them and not being able to do it by myself.

Angry

I am angry with myself for having to depend on others, asking for help, and making mistakes as I learn. When Dan was alive, we figured things out together.

Embarrassment

I need a hand from time to time when going on walks - my depth perception isn’t great, and I’m not as confident. I use walking sticks, and the people I’m with assure me it’s no problem when I need a helping hand. Still, I feel as if I’m slowing them down or they are taking shorter walks because of me. I’m embarrassed that I can’t keep up like I used to.

Resentment

I resent people thinking they have to hold my arm when crossing a parking lot or going to the bathroom at a restaurant. They mean well, but I want to care for myself if possible and for as long as possible.

Depressed

I get depressed with the limitations I run into - and know there will be more.

Feeling sorry for myself

Yes - life has changed, and I can’t do what I could. Acceptance required!

As the caregiver for an older parent, it might be helpful to be aware of their thoughts and feelings.

P.S. Thanks for reading Aging Well News! If you know someone who might like this article, please forward it or share it below. 

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