Choices Make A Difference

Make Them Wisely

Photo by Beth Macdonald on Unsplash

We have an incredible and irrevocable gift that gives us the power to choose our life path, but we must accept responsibility for our choices. We often don’t make those choices wisely, which leads to making unwise ones.

At Home

After Dan’s surgery, I made choices that included my needs and his. Some days keeping him home was easy. Other days were challenging. I decided to let him live as normally as possible and did not get him diagnosed immediately - there was no treatment, and his memory was failing - it was obvious.

When the Governor implemented pandemic guidelines, I cared for Dan, keeping him busy and monitoring him. We couldn’t go out. No one could visit, and he rebelled at everything. Soon I was depressed and overwhelmed - I had to look at other options.

At The Facility

Dan wouldn’t allow anyone to come to the apartment for respite care. First, I tried an out-of-home placement. He lasted less than 24 hours - they couldn’t manage his behavior. Then we tried living at my daughter’s - that lasted a couple of weeks - the three of us couldn’t handle him. Between 4 and 7 PM was the worst, but he settled down a bit during the evening.

The only option left was to place him in a locked facility. I made three requests; the staff guaranteed they would honor them.

• Be in touch with him daily. It was important for both of us.

• Have weekly updates on his condition.

• Keep him safe.

I wanted to keep our relationship intact and be with him as much as possible. It didn’t happen that way. We didn’t talk daily. There were no regular updates and the ones I got were platitudes. Dan got COVID while he was there and died.
My expectations or my perceptions of assisted living facilities may have been unrealistic- either way, that decision did not work as planned.

Now

At the time, I made the best choices I could. Still, I wrestle with “what if’s” regarding them. Could I have done more? What if I had complained louder?

Now my choices revolve around doing my best every day and aging well.

I would

• be more assertive with everyone

• get medication to manage Dan’s depression, anxiety, and anger

• be more knowledgeable about the disease

• trust me and my intuition instead of relying on the decisions of others

Guideline 9 discusses the inner critic. If you missed any of the guidelines, here is the link to the first one.

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