Decisions regarding a loved ones' care are some of the hardest you will ever have to make. It is even more difficult when family members don't agree on a plan moving forward.
My brother and I did not agree on how to help my mother. Luckily she was coherent and able to make her own decision and we both honored her wishes. My mother chose and entered into an assisted care facility of her own accord. My brother didn't agree with it, but then again he hadn't been caring for her like I had been for six years. After she passed he tried to make me feel guilty and said it was all my fault "for putting her in there..." We didn't speak for a couple years over that, but since then we made up. We will never be best friends but it was my mother's wish that we'd always have each other's back, no matter how much we didn't agree. Thank good ness the strength of our family from younger years helped bind us back together.
I have found that with a person that still has some ability to have an opinion about their living situation, it works well to have
the timer as with children. Depending on the person’s ability to understand the calendar, it might be helpful to revisit the matter in 3 months. 3 months can make a big difference in one’s acceptance on a move. The family can be visiting places behind the scenes so that when the time is up and it looks like the best choice is a move, you have done some on the investigating to present a united front. Mother got to be part of the choice to move without just saying this is what YOU are doing because I took your CHOICE away from you. It is much more respectful to include the person in their living arrangement. Adult children need to acknowledge how they would like the matter to be addressed when their time comes. It has been shared with me, there is only one alternative to becoming older. That could mean most of us will need help with living choices down the line. Scary but true.
Hi Susan, Thank you for your words of wisdom. My husband was argumentative, hostile, and resistant to any discussion or step in that direction. It would have made the decision so much easier had he been involved in any way.
Great points and resources, as always Janice! This is such a hot button in many comments I read on carer forums in the UK.
There are often many assumptions, old stories that each person is hooked on & replay as what's 'really going on', many misinterpretations and miscommunications...all with a backdrop of emotional pain/guilt/frustration/ etc etc.
Until people have walked in the memory care shoes, they can't judge. There are no easy options. You picked the best option you had available to you. If the place was clean and provided reasonable care without abuse, that's as good as anybody can hope for. Some places are downright awful.
Being close by is a huge asset because then you can frequently pop in unannounced and visit as you inspect to see how things are going (and document any issues that need to be reported).
Covid mandates certainly curtailed the options and care of the older and/or vulnerable people and their families during that time. That on top of family dynamics was sure a stressful mix. Everyone has to gauge their own capacity to hold a vulnerable other and also care for self. People need to allow grace for their decisions; it's ok. A delicate and needed post for sure Janice.
I feel we all experienced the trauma of that season and are in recovery. Appreciate your posts and heart, Janice.
Absolutely Janice. My mom-in-law had to be released to dementia care during that season. And we took my mom in concurrently. My wife has an autoimmune condition we manage. It was hard ever which way.
Decisions regarding a loved ones' care are some of the hardest you will ever have to make. It is even more difficult when family members don't agree on a plan moving forward.
Wise words on a difficult topic. No two situations are the same, even for the same family. Thank you for shining some much needed light on this!
I'm saving your posts should I need them one day. Such helpful info, I appreciate it, Janice!
Very thoughtful and informative, much appreciation
My brother and I did not agree on how to help my mother. Luckily she was coherent and able to make her own decision and we both honored her wishes. My mother chose and entered into an assisted care facility of her own accord. My brother didn't agree with it, but then again he hadn't been caring for her like I had been for six years. After she passed he tried to make me feel guilty and said it was all my fault "for putting her in there..." We didn't speak for a couple years over that, but since then we made up. We will never be best friends but it was my mother's wish that we'd always have each other's back, no matter how much we didn't agree. Thank good ness the strength of our family from younger years helped bind us back together.
I have found that with a person that still has some ability to have an opinion about their living situation, it works well to have
the timer as with children. Depending on the person’s ability to understand the calendar, it might be helpful to revisit the matter in 3 months. 3 months can make a big difference in one’s acceptance on a move. The family can be visiting places behind the scenes so that when the time is up and it looks like the best choice is a move, you have done some on the investigating to present a united front. Mother got to be part of the choice to move without just saying this is what YOU are doing because I took your CHOICE away from you. It is much more respectful to include the person in their living arrangement. Adult children need to acknowledge how they would like the matter to be addressed when their time comes. It has been shared with me, there is only one alternative to becoming older. That could mean most of us will need help with living choices down the line. Scary but true.
Hi Susan, Thank you for your words of wisdom. My husband was argumentative, hostile, and resistant to any discussion or step in that direction. It would have made the decision so much easier had he been involved in any way.
Great points and resources, as always Janice! This is such a hot button in many comments I read on carer forums in the UK.
There are often many assumptions, old stories that each person is hooked on & replay as what's 'really going on', many misinterpretations and miscommunications...all with a backdrop of emotional pain/guilt/frustration/ etc etc.
Until people have walked in the memory care shoes, they can't judge. There are no easy options. You picked the best option you had available to you. If the place was clean and provided reasonable care without abuse, that's as good as anybody can hope for. Some places are downright awful.
Being close by is a huge asset because then you can frequently pop in unannounced and visit as you inspect to see how things are going (and document any issues that need to be reported).
Covid mandates certainly curtailed the options and care of the older and/or vulnerable people and their families during that time. That on top of family dynamics was sure a stressful mix. Everyone has to gauge their own capacity to hold a vulnerable other and also care for self. People need to allow grace for their decisions; it's ok. A delicate and needed post for sure Janice.
I feel we all experienced the trauma of that season and are in recovery. Appreciate your posts and heart, Janice.
Hi , Allowing grace for our decisions - knowing we did the best we could at the time.
Absolutely Janice. My mom-in-law had to be released to dementia care during that season. And we took my mom in concurrently. My wife has an autoimmune condition we manage. It was hard ever which way.
Hi, So very true - in every regard.
Janice, thank you for writing clearly and sensibly about such emotionally difficult issues.
Hi Don, In retrospect, I wish that I had known to have them.
Thank you for this!
Hi Sarah,
YW. It is an important and painful topic for all.