I have superficially, an embarrassment of riches having 2 adult daughters. But even though, I see myself as a "solo ager" or "orphan" anyway or "pseudo" or "solo" anyway. Why? Because not every adult daughter or son has either the temperament, sophistication, experience, physical ability, even "interest" or time to care for or even help an aging parent that could use either "some help" or intensive help. And so, too, not every "needy ager" can afford to hire help and one that is not indigent and not wealthy are just about out of luck in planning for their care or in needing it on an emergency basis or even temporary basis.
So there is a distinct lack of affordable competent ethical compassionate help in my experience--after being a formally appointed / court ordered guardian of the person and property. My Mom had long term care insurance and had and needed full time professional live-in care in the early 90's when it was affordable, she was in a wonderful apartment we bought for her and furnished it with her own loved furniture and art work set up where possible as it had been in her prior single family home.
I had a wonderful husband to help, I worked 40-60 hrs. a week as a trial and appellate lawyer, and he 40, but at least I had pretty much a schedule I could control, my husband and I worked across the street from each other and we each had a car. We had cleaning help and a "Nanny". My kids' day care was un my building! I had "Family Medical Leave" when needed. I had a secretary and as a lawyer, paralegals to help at my job.
My husband and I had enough money for what was needed, including to run my Mom's business and I had the help of a second and part time private secretary to help with issues fr my Mom. (And there were "10,000,00" emergencies both financial, business, psychiatric, including dementia and obsessions with gambling and sweepstakes and conmen, medical, legal because of a sibling issue. We had the ability to get professional advice easily and fairly quickly because of the type of job I had and advice from nurses through my Mom's long term care policy.
My kids have NONE of the advantages I had to care for my Mom and would not even be able to have FML, the 40 hr. a week salary as opposed to 38 hours maybe paid by the hour and inadequately and "no benefits" even though one has a Bachelors and in university paralegal certificate, the salaries and benefits or "significant others" to help. All we have to rely on is one life insurance policy on me that we can call on to take 1/2 "in life" if I can't carry out a number of certain specified "activities of daily life".
So if I need help short of being able to qualify for 1/2 of the insurance policy, I -- and my kids 40 minutes away and none of us have cars * and the mass transportation system is a mess for trying to coordinate across 2 counties with NO buses in my personal neighborhood.* Try having 3 cars "totaled in 18 months" --I am basically out of luck. (Ubers are exorbitant as is car insurance and even used cars cost too much and for now, I am legally blind in one eye. So for now I use exorbitant shopping services.)
My friends can't help--the youngest is 70 and they need help themselves. Most of us no longer have relatives to rely on whether older or younger. Even our long time reasonably priced lawyers and CPA's are aging, but reasonably-priced "Tax return preparation Services" can't be appointed as "Guardians of the Property" or Executors or Personal Representatives.
So I would like to see as an improvement to American life a system of a combination of paid and volunteer work --an " Elder Care Corp" that people could purchase and fund with taxes and philanthropy and no "means testing" would be required. Local County, large city , state and federal government would oversee. Even elementary school kids could help in a variety of ways. Such a system would require a radical "change of mind, change of culture and compassion", comprehensive and professional planning, and going back to the idea that "no man * or woman) is an island, and developing a culture of caring and service.
I will write more in the future on this subject, but part of the problem--certainly not all of it --is that religious groups that used to help their own seniors are rapidly loosing congregants and aging themselves without new and younger people taking their places. (Part of the problem are also inadequate hourly wages, a "non-union" "non-fringe benefits" culture, "greed-flation, high interest rates, our adult kids not marrying as much where whole family in both sides might pitch in, MAGA wanting the wealthy to pay less taxes, etc.)
Hi Phyllis, I too am blessed with children who are very supportive. However, I am determined not to be a burden on them, so I consider myself a sole age and am trying to prepare accordingly. For a few reasons, I no longer drive, but am centrally located and can walk to many restaurants and services, plus as you say I use a lot of shopping services.
I'm doing pretty well, thanks for asking. With my mother's death about a month ago and caring for her being my primary job for four years, I'm spending some time deciding where my life goes from here. I've been working on a new sub stack post for weeks, starting several but not finishing. I hope to get one up soon.
Hi Debbie, That's the trick - what comes next. Mine was writing on Substack and it has served me well. I look forward to reading what you come up with.
So sorry about your Mom; I took care of mine 1993-98 and then my husband 2018-21. Always very hard to go through for both the loved one and caregiver. Definitely try to take care of yourself & pamper yourself,too!
My heart goes out to sole agers and orphans. I, myself, spend 90% of my time alone and prefer it that way. I never get lonely. But I know it won't always be that way, and I am so grateful I have a son only three miles away who will see I am taken care of when the time comes. I feel truly blessed, I 'll say that! Thanks Janice for your important , helpful articles.
Hi Sharron, So true, I am as fortunate as you and it is a comfort to know that our children have our back as we get older. I am trying to plan as a solo ager just so I don't burden them too much. I know what it took out of me to care for Dan and would like to save them some of that.
I didn’t realize these were so similiar… the big hurdle is neither having children. I am working with older adults at my senior center… yes, my peer
group, but I threw myself into being certified and trained in several things after my husband died. I will pay more attention to these members who may not have anyone… why they spend so much time in our cafe! This is full of good info. Janice. I appreciate you clarifying and spotlighting the need for awareness and help. Thank you! We have classes for those with Parkinson’s and those with dementia; with nearby lounge for caregivers to socialize. How would be the best way to approach folks without being rude or invasive… whether they have children, relatives etc??
Hi Joan, That seems like a pretty strong indicator - spending so much time in your cafe and alone. I suspect that just talking with them will give you clues. Do they talk about family members and what have they done together lately? Have they been to social functions - like movies they've seen recently - or do they go to the senior center and with whom? Who do they call if they need help?
Concerns for elder orphans and solo agers are often overlooked, poorly understood, and need more attention.
I definitely need to edit what I wrote grammar-wise! Sorry; will do it tomorrow: am paying bills now.
I like that elder orphans term.
I have superficially, an embarrassment of riches having 2 adult daughters. But even though, I see myself as a "solo ager" or "orphan" anyway or "pseudo" or "solo" anyway. Why? Because not every adult daughter or son has either the temperament, sophistication, experience, physical ability, even "interest" or time to care for or even help an aging parent that could use either "some help" or intensive help. And so, too, not every "needy ager" can afford to hire help and one that is not indigent and not wealthy are just about out of luck in planning for their care or in needing it on an emergency basis or even temporary basis.
So there is a distinct lack of affordable competent ethical compassionate help in my experience--after being a formally appointed / court ordered guardian of the person and property. My Mom had long term care insurance and had and needed full time professional live-in care in the early 90's when it was affordable, she was in a wonderful apartment we bought for her and furnished it with her own loved furniture and art work set up where possible as it had been in her prior single family home.
I had a wonderful husband to help, I worked 40-60 hrs. a week as a trial and appellate lawyer, and he 40, but at least I had pretty much a schedule I could control, my husband and I worked across the street from each other and we each had a car. We had cleaning help and a "Nanny". My kids' day care was un my building! I had "Family Medical Leave" when needed. I had a secretary and as a lawyer, paralegals to help at my job.
My husband and I had enough money for what was needed, including to run my Mom's business and I had the help of a second and part time private secretary to help with issues fr my Mom. (And there were "10,000,00" emergencies both financial, business, psychiatric, including dementia and obsessions with gambling and sweepstakes and conmen, medical, legal because of a sibling issue. We had the ability to get professional advice easily and fairly quickly because of the type of job I had and advice from nurses through my Mom's long term care policy.
My kids have NONE of the advantages I had to care for my Mom and would not even be able to have FML, the 40 hr. a week salary as opposed to 38 hours maybe paid by the hour and inadequately and "no benefits" even though one has a Bachelors and in university paralegal certificate, the salaries and benefits or "significant others" to help. All we have to rely on is one life insurance policy on me that we can call on to take 1/2 "in life" if I can't carry out a number of certain specified "activities of daily life".
So if I need help short of being able to qualify for 1/2 of the insurance policy, I -- and my kids 40 minutes away and none of us have cars * and the mass transportation system is a mess for trying to coordinate across 2 counties with NO buses in my personal neighborhood.* Try having 3 cars "totaled in 18 months" --I am basically out of luck. (Ubers are exorbitant as is car insurance and even used cars cost too much and for now, I am legally blind in one eye. So for now I use exorbitant shopping services.)
My friends can't help--the youngest is 70 and they need help themselves. Most of us no longer have relatives to rely on whether older or younger. Even our long time reasonably priced lawyers and CPA's are aging, but reasonably-priced "Tax return preparation Services" can't be appointed as "Guardians of the Property" or Executors or Personal Representatives.
So I would like to see as an improvement to American life a system of a combination of paid and volunteer work --an " Elder Care Corp" that people could purchase and fund with taxes and philanthropy and no "means testing" would be required. Local County, large city , state and federal government would oversee. Even elementary school kids could help in a variety of ways. Such a system would require a radical "change of mind, change of culture and compassion", comprehensive and professional planning, and going back to the idea that "no man * or woman) is an island, and developing a culture of caring and service.
I will write more in the future on this subject, but part of the problem--certainly not all of it --is that religious groups that used to help their own seniors are rapidly loosing congregants and aging themselves without new and younger people taking their places. (Part of the problem are also inadequate hourly wages, a "non-union" "non-fringe benefits" culture, "greed-flation, high interest rates, our adult kids not marrying as much where whole family in both sides might pitch in, MAGA wanting the wealthy to pay less taxes, etc.)
Hi Phyllis, I too am blessed with children who are very supportive. However, I am determined not to be a burden on them, so I consider myself a sole age and am trying to prepare accordingly. For a few reasons, I no longer drive, but am centrally located and can walk to many restaurants and services, plus as you say I use a lot of shopping services.
Thanks for the reference to Aging Independently. I have subscribed. She also has good info.
Hi Debbie, How are you doing? Yes, she does and provides very different angles.
I'm doing pretty well, thanks for asking. With my mother's death about a month ago and caring for her being my primary job for four years, I'm spending some time deciding where my life goes from here. I've been working on a new sub stack post for weeks, starting several but not finishing. I hope to get one up soon.
Hi Debbie, That's the trick - what comes next. Mine was writing on Substack and it has served me well. I look forward to reading what you come up with.
So sorry about your Mom; I took care of mine 1993-98 and then my husband 2018-21. Always very hard to go through for both the loved one and caregiver. Definitely try to take care of yourself & pamper yourself,too!
Thank you. I'm working on it.
Thanks Janice. I haven't heard some of these terms before so it's good to know.
Hi Donna, It is good to know and we do need to take of these folks and help them meet their needs as well.
My heart goes out to sole agers and orphans. I, myself, spend 90% of my time alone and prefer it that way. I never get lonely. But I know it won't always be that way, and I am so grateful I have a son only three miles away who will see I am taken care of when the time comes. I feel truly blessed, I 'll say that! Thanks Janice for your important , helpful articles.
Hi Sharron, So true, I am as fortunate as you and it is a comfort to know that our children have our back as we get older. I am trying to plan as a solo ager just so I don't burden them too much. I know what it took out of me to care for Dan and would like to save them some of that.
I didn’t realize these were so similiar… the big hurdle is neither having children. I am working with older adults at my senior center… yes, my peer
group, but I threw myself into being certified and trained in several things after my husband died. I will pay more attention to these members who may not have anyone… why they spend so much time in our cafe! This is full of good info. Janice. I appreciate you clarifying and spotlighting the need for awareness and help. Thank you! We have classes for those with Parkinson’s and those with dementia; with nearby lounge for caregivers to socialize. How would be the best way to approach folks without being rude or invasive… whether they have children, relatives etc??
Hi Joan, That seems like a pretty strong indicator - spending so much time in your cafe and alone. I suspect that just talking with them will give you clues. Do they talk about family members and what have they done together lately? Have they been to social functions - like movies they've seen recently - or do they go to the senior center and with whom? Who do they call if they need help?
Okay, thanks… just regular conversation. I will make time to sit and chat…thanks for helping me see more clearly. ☺️