Experts recommend embracing our emotions—acknowledging them without judgment and practicing mindfulness by observing them in our bodies and minds. They say it means allowing ourselves to have feelings without trying to fix them immediately, and offering ourselves self-compassion. What do you think?
When you know the answers from a logical thinking point of view that's one step I find but allowing the emotions to come in & be ok with that is another. It's said, I am sure somewhere, that without emotional release.. tears, anger expressed in writing, just allowing it to happen, there will be an opening up within that will help settle us & allow life to embrace us again in all its messiness! With you Janice & I get it! Denyse x
Someone suggested for me to get alone with God and ask the Holy Spirit to guide my writing… to just begin. I did that… just a short paragraph and in the days that followed He showed me, without any doubt, what it meant. He showed me the word for what I had written was “shame” ! I didn’t realize that was what was going on with me. Then He showed me that He loved me so much and that I belonged to Him. That was a life direction change for me. I always go to Him now for answers and He gives me guidance. I’m so grateful. He wants my reliance. “He is great and abundant in strength and infinite in understanding “
I have recently walked through the seventh anniversary of Don transitioning which of course means I have also walked through seven years of being alone. Your post resonated Janice and I send my own version of love, light, and angels to continue walking with you. Over a year ago now I began a morning practice that includes some daily readings along with guided meditation. It has made a difference. I also insist on continuing to fall back to my own mantra of “perfectly on time“ and more recently have added “in every gifted moment“. We were not together nearly as long as you and Dan, but this business of finding a new identity has been quite a journey. Keep on keeping on - I have no doubt your posts are helping others.💕
Hi Marilyn, Yes, I think of your mantra "perfectly on time" often, and I know without a doubt that it is true, and at the same time, my heart wanted a different option.
Golly, Janice. I see myself in six out of nine of your descriptors of depression. You mention the Serenity prayer. For me, the most important thought in that text is ACCEPTANCE. At my age, why struggle against or lament all the changes happening to my body and mind? I am surrendering and doing the best I can with the days I have left. You are too.
I can't exactly say I know how you feel, but do understand and relate... aging solo, learning to navigate a new life, struggling with keeping up and staying relevant, and battling the physical stuff on top of everything else is overwhelming. I learned this week grieving is not the same as being depressed. They're two different entities, which is why anti-depressants rarely help (if ever) grief. My biggest issue is that I can no longer write, except respond on here or sometimes on Reddit. Art is out of the question. It was what made me thrive before, in the after nothing helps except binging TV and reading about grief. I make lists now, and even these is shaky. I am starting to read a little, but only a few pages at a time. I know I can't self-medicate and am learning to sit with my emotions, and not judge them. What I regret or ruminate on, well that's a different story... I'm trying to ignore and avoid the "what if's."
I'm sorry you're going through unsteady times. Maybe go outside in the early morning in your bare feet and ground, while looking at the sun rise. It does help me a little. But when the temperatures are hitting 30 degrees and no sun, this might be challenging moving forward for me. So embrace what you can, I'm thinking of you and sending loving, healing thoughts and energy your way.
Hi Patti. I'm thinking of you as well and sending love and healing energy your way. I've tried as many things as I can think of and read to lessen the effects of all the losses involved - some days I have it figured out, but not really. It seems to boil down to acknowledging the facts and learning to live with them.
Thank you, Janice. Other than family when you lost Dan, did you have a support system in place? What did that look like? And, did you do grief therapy? Just curious. So far I can't find anything that seems to work, not yet. Prayer and meditation seem to be the only things I can do to relive those intense waves of grief in the moment.
Our children helped make the decisions, and they, along with other family members, rallied around me—and still do. I don't drive, so they pick me up. They include me in all the family functions and provide backup support on an as-needed basis. I'm very fortunate in that regard.
Although grief groups and individual sessions were offered through hospice, they weren't for me. I'm a private person, and mourning Dan was a very private matter. I wanted to be alone.
You are going through a very different experience from me in many ways, given that Carl died suddenly. I had a warning, time to build a team, and figure some of it out. You have been dealt a more difficult set of cards.
What works best for me is writing - not on Substack for publication, but in a journal. I write about the ache in my heart, the anger at the situation, and the self-doubts that haunt me - it tends to clear my mind for a while.
I see you are also looking for your best way as well. Prayer and meditation can be very beneficial.
For me, there doesn't seem to be a single strategy that can completely alleviate the pain of what is lost - sometimes it builds or sometimes old memories creep in, and crying takes over.
It's been five years since Dan died - I surely thought I'd have "gotten over it" by now - but that's not the case. I heard the Celine Dion song, "Don't Wanna Be By Myself Anymore," the other day. We attended her show in Las Vegas and heard her sing that song. So, my mind was filled with reminders of that trip, which brought back sadness and tears.
Oh yes, yours was (and is) a much different experience than mine. But it's interesting to me what and how you handle it.
Grief groups are out. So are conventional therapists. It appears we both view grieving and the act of privacy the same. I am trying to journal, but simply can't get past a word or two. Writing is blocked. Except I am able to write limited responses, such as here. I wanted to journal in letter form, and "talk to him" but that's even worse. It makes we weep every single time I sit down and try to write him.
Conventional therapy did not work at all. I tried three different times and absolutely no help at all. In fact it made it worse. I do have an energy healer (light worker?) who helps me. She's in California, we've done a couple telephone sessions, I've known her since 2017, so she knows my history and I believe the familiarity does help. She knows how to ground me and helps me think a bit more rationally.
Music is a good therapy tool. Many times it brings me to my knees, but shortly after I'm able to "go on."
Thank you for sharing parts of your experience and story about Dan. I simply don't think anyone can understand the loss unless they've actually experienced this type of grief. I would imagine the same of losing a child, I can no way relate to this at all, nor would I pretend to.
For the most part people have been fairly supportive. And thankfully few have said the stuff that does not help at all.
I have no family left that I'm really close to, and his family has all but abandoned me in their way moving forward, I think this adds to the hurt exponentially. I thought I married into a family who accepted me, but after Carls' mother died (which was less than a couple months before he did) things fell apart with them, and I'm (sadly) included in the aftermath of inheritance and the woes of details that go along with slighted family members. Luckily I can walk away and never look back, but it still hurts.
Hi Patti, when I was counseling people, I'd argue that given similar experiences, I could relate to their pain. Having gone through this, I know better. We each come to a set of circumstances as our own unique selves.
While I have family to support me, you have something I didn't - your experience. You were single for years and developed a wealth of coping and living skills to fall back on. I was taken care of my entire life - til I wasn't - and really had to grow up the past five years.
You mentioned music - I found a song called 'My Prayer' on the Internet. There were many versions, but my favorite was the one by Celine Dion and Josh Groban. It was my solace in the darkest moments. I would listen to it over and over and cry over and over.
Some ideas went through my head. You wrote your thoughts and feelings in the two posts to me so beautifully, so you aren't totally blocked. Perhaps if you were to write in a journal, write to me - you don't have to share it; that's not the point.
However, it can be a way to release some of the anguish inside. Or if all you can do is write a word or two - write that, or write "I don't know what to write," or ask yourself, "what don't I want to write about." Anything that might open up an avenue for you, if that were something you wished to pursue.
Having said that, though, you will need to find what works best for you. But be compassionate with yourself along the way. That is a lesson I have yet to master.
Oh Janice, thank you. I like the idea of writing a letter to you. I tried writing to Carl, it did not work at all.
I have an entire playlist I dedicated to crying about Carl. I took some of his songs and some of mine and combined them. We had totally different tastes in music. But this helps me get to know him a little bit better even in death.
Another thing that hits hard is that I've had to eliminate people from my tribe since he died. People I thought would be there for me are as far away as they can be.
Others whom I never thought who would support me have stepped up above and beyond.
Nights are the worst. I'm lucky to sleep two to three hours a night right now. That has to be fixed, soon. I can't do a thing without the proper sleep.
One saving grace is that I look forward to newsletters on here, they give me things to read and think about. I look forward to yours every week. So thank you for this, it really helps.
Hi Jill, So true - and I wonder if it isn't a two-way process, in that it takes courage to face what hurts with both emotion and intellect. What do you think?
Experts recommend embracing our emotions—acknowledging them without judgment and practicing mindfulness by observing them in our bodies and minds. They say it means allowing ourselves to have feelings without trying to fix them immediately, and offering ourselves self-compassion. What do you think?
Keep on loving 🙌
When you know the answers from a logical thinking point of view that's one step I find but allowing the emotions to come in & be ok with that is another. It's said, I am sure somewhere, that without emotional release.. tears, anger expressed in writing, just allowing it to happen, there will be an opening up within that will help settle us & allow life to embrace us again in all its messiness! With you Janice & I get it! Denyse x
Hi Denyse, Well stated. I am finding, as well, that there has to be an emotional release.
Someone suggested for me to get alone with God and ask the Holy Spirit to guide my writing… to just begin. I did that… just a short paragraph and in the days that followed He showed me, without any doubt, what it meant. He showed me the word for what I had written was “shame” ! I didn’t realize that was what was going on with me. Then He showed me that He loved me so much and that I belonged to Him. That was a life direction change for me. I always go to Him now for answers and He gives me guidance. I’m so grateful. He wants my reliance. “He is great and abundant in strength and infinite in understanding “
Hi Angie, beautifully said.
I have recently walked through the seventh anniversary of Don transitioning which of course means I have also walked through seven years of being alone. Your post resonated Janice and I send my own version of love, light, and angels to continue walking with you. Over a year ago now I began a morning practice that includes some daily readings along with guided meditation. It has made a difference. I also insist on continuing to fall back to my own mantra of “perfectly on time“ and more recently have added “in every gifted moment“. We were not together nearly as long as you and Dan, but this business of finding a new identity has been quite a journey. Keep on keeping on - I have no doubt your posts are helping others.💕
Hi Marilyn, Yes, I think of your mantra "perfectly on time" often, and I know without a doubt that it is true, and at the same time, my heart wanted a different option.
Golly, Janice. I see myself in six out of nine of your descriptors of depression. You mention the Serenity prayer. For me, the most important thought in that text is ACCEPTANCE. At my age, why struggle against or lament all the changes happening to my body and mind? I am surrendering and doing the best I can with the days I have left. You are too.
Hi Sharron, That we are, my friend, that we are.
I can't exactly say I know how you feel, but do understand and relate... aging solo, learning to navigate a new life, struggling with keeping up and staying relevant, and battling the physical stuff on top of everything else is overwhelming. I learned this week grieving is not the same as being depressed. They're two different entities, which is why anti-depressants rarely help (if ever) grief. My biggest issue is that I can no longer write, except respond on here or sometimes on Reddit. Art is out of the question. It was what made me thrive before, in the after nothing helps except binging TV and reading about grief. I make lists now, and even these is shaky. I am starting to read a little, but only a few pages at a time. I know I can't self-medicate and am learning to sit with my emotions, and not judge them. What I regret or ruminate on, well that's a different story... I'm trying to ignore and avoid the "what if's."
I'm sorry you're going through unsteady times. Maybe go outside in the early morning in your bare feet and ground, while looking at the sun rise. It does help me a little. But when the temperatures are hitting 30 degrees and no sun, this might be challenging moving forward for me. So embrace what you can, I'm thinking of you and sending loving, healing thoughts and energy your way.
Hi Patti. I'm thinking of you as well and sending love and healing energy your way. I've tried as many things as I can think of and read to lessen the effects of all the losses involved - some days I have it figured out, but not really. It seems to boil down to acknowledging the facts and learning to live with them.
Thank you, Janice. Other than family when you lost Dan, did you have a support system in place? What did that look like? And, did you do grief therapy? Just curious. So far I can't find anything that seems to work, not yet. Prayer and meditation seem to be the only things I can do to relive those intense waves of grief in the moment.
Hi Patti,
Our children helped make the decisions, and they, along with other family members, rallied around me—and still do. I don't drive, so they pick me up. They include me in all the family functions and provide backup support on an as-needed basis. I'm very fortunate in that regard.
Although grief groups and individual sessions were offered through hospice, they weren't for me. I'm a private person, and mourning Dan was a very private matter. I wanted to be alone.
You are going through a very different experience from me in many ways, given that Carl died suddenly. I had a warning, time to build a team, and figure some of it out. You have been dealt a more difficult set of cards.
What works best for me is writing - not on Substack for publication, but in a journal. I write about the ache in my heart, the anger at the situation, and the self-doubts that haunt me - it tends to clear my mind for a while.
I see you are also looking for your best way as well. Prayer and meditation can be very beneficial.
For me, there doesn't seem to be a single strategy that can completely alleviate the pain of what is lost - sometimes it builds or sometimes old memories creep in, and crying takes over.
It's been five years since Dan died - I surely thought I'd have "gotten over it" by now - but that's not the case. I heard the Celine Dion song, "Don't Wanna Be By Myself Anymore," the other day. We attended her show in Las Vegas and heard her sing that song. So, my mind was filled with reminders of that trip, which brought back sadness and tears.
Oh yes, yours was (and is) a much different experience than mine. But it's interesting to me what and how you handle it.
Grief groups are out. So are conventional therapists. It appears we both view grieving and the act of privacy the same. I am trying to journal, but simply can't get past a word or two. Writing is blocked. Except I am able to write limited responses, such as here. I wanted to journal in letter form, and "talk to him" but that's even worse. It makes we weep every single time I sit down and try to write him.
Conventional therapy did not work at all. I tried three different times and absolutely no help at all. In fact it made it worse. I do have an energy healer (light worker?) who helps me. She's in California, we've done a couple telephone sessions, I've known her since 2017, so she knows my history and I believe the familiarity does help. She knows how to ground me and helps me think a bit more rationally.
Music is a good therapy tool. Many times it brings me to my knees, but shortly after I'm able to "go on."
Thank you for sharing parts of your experience and story about Dan. I simply don't think anyone can understand the loss unless they've actually experienced this type of grief. I would imagine the same of losing a child, I can no way relate to this at all, nor would I pretend to.
For the most part people have been fairly supportive. And thankfully few have said the stuff that does not help at all.
I have no family left that I'm really close to, and his family has all but abandoned me in their way moving forward, I think this adds to the hurt exponentially. I thought I married into a family who accepted me, but after Carls' mother died (which was less than a couple months before he did) things fell apart with them, and I'm (sadly) included in the aftermath of inheritance and the woes of details that go along with slighted family members. Luckily I can walk away and never look back, but it still hurts.
Hi Patti, when I was counseling people, I'd argue that given similar experiences, I could relate to their pain. Having gone through this, I know better. We each come to a set of circumstances as our own unique selves.
While I have family to support me, you have something I didn't - your experience. You were single for years and developed a wealth of coping and living skills to fall back on. I was taken care of my entire life - til I wasn't - and really had to grow up the past five years.
You mentioned music - I found a song called 'My Prayer' on the Internet. There were many versions, but my favorite was the one by Celine Dion and Josh Groban. It was my solace in the darkest moments. I would listen to it over and over and cry over and over.
Some ideas went through my head. You wrote your thoughts and feelings in the two posts to me so beautifully, so you aren't totally blocked. Perhaps if you were to write in a journal, write to me - you don't have to share it; that's not the point.
However, it can be a way to release some of the anguish inside. Or if all you can do is write a word or two - write that, or write "I don't know what to write," or ask yourself, "what don't I want to write about." Anything that might open up an avenue for you, if that were something you wished to pursue.
Having said that, though, you will need to find what works best for you. But be compassionate with yourself along the way. That is a lesson I have yet to master.
Oh Janice, thank you. I like the idea of writing a letter to you. I tried writing to Carl, it did not work at all.
I have an entire playlist I dedicated to crying about Carl. I took some of his songs and some of mine and combined them. We had totally different tastes in music. But this helps me get to know him a little bit better even in death.
Another thing that hits hard is that I've had to eliminate people from my tribe since he died. People I thought would be there for me are as far away as they can be.
Others whom I never thought who would support me have stepped up above and beyond.
Nights are the worst. I'm lucky to sleep two to three hours a night right now. That has to be fixed, soon. I can't do a thing without the proper sleep.
One saving grace is that I look forward to newsletters on here, they give me things to read and think about. I look forward to yours every week. So thank you for this, it really helps.
Facing not only what hurts, but what helps: and facing it with emotion as well as intellect, gives courage: Does it not?
Hi Jill, So true - and I wonder if it isn't a two-way process, in that it takes courage to face what hurts with both emotion and intellect. What do you think?
Equally