Facing the Fear of Dependency and Irrelevance as We Age
How We Continue to Matter as Life Changes
Before my husband died, being a burden to others or no longer being needed never occurred to me. We were a team - solved problems, played, and made decisions together. Once I was on my own, those concerns quickly rose to the surface.
Fear of dependency and irrelevance is a deeply rooted anxiety stemming from a threat to a person’s sense of self-worth, purpose, and autonomy. It’s often tied to major life transitions, such as aging, career changes, shifts in family dynamics, and the death of a spouse or partner. Furthermore, childhood experiences and societal pressures typically play a role.
Fear of dependency - Also known as “counter-dependency,” this fear includes resisting the need to rely on others, even when it makes sense to do so. The fear is that we’ll become a burden.
It’s said that when a person grows up with overbearing parents or in an environment where their needs are not met, they may come to believe it’s not safe to trust.
What I’m Finding:
My parents were micromanagers; my physical needs were well met, my emotional ones not as much. Trust has been a nagging issue for a long time, but especially since being on my own.
Professionals say that societies emphasizing self-reliance may view seeking help as a sign of weakness. Older adults may perceive their lives as being less valuable, putting them at risk for depression and social isolation.
What I’m Finding:
I didn’t want my children to go through what we did as my husband struggled with dementia and COVID. I was a psychologist, and thought I could handle it by myself. Wrong!
I was not sufficiently prepared, and in hindsight, I’d handle things differently - be more assertive, ask more questions, and take better care of myself.
That experience became the basis for the newsletter - a place for me to share what I’d learned with others.
They further claim those fears can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression, distorting a person’s sense of value.
What I’m Finding:
Before my husband’s death, I had confidence - but the confidence was in us as a team, and the knowledge he had my back. I still haven’t developed that level of confidence in myself - yet.
Fear of irrelevance - often involves feeling undervalued and insignificant, and concerns that our presence or skills no longer matter, particularly as older adults. One remedy may be doing more of what we enjoy and do best.
Experts identify three possible reasons.
Aging: As people age, declining health and societal ageism may contribute, particularly in Western cultures that tend to revere youth.
The workplace: The rapid pace of technological change, especially with the rise of automation and artificial intelligence, is a significant source of anxiety for workers who fear their skills will become obsolete.
Changes in life roles: Major life transitions, such as retirement or children leaving home, often trigger this fear because our sense of identity can be deeply tied to one’s former role.
What I’m Finding:
My fears seem to be driven by aging and changing life roles.
We were fortunate to live next door to our grandsons for nine years. We saw them daily and were involved in their lives. Our older grandson lived with us while he was in college. They’re now grown men with families and careers; who no longer live next door or visit as often. I’m surprised at how much I miss them and those special times.
Those in the know suggest that older adults stay engaged and flexible in their lives by learning new skills and embracing change.
What I’m Finding:
Being flexible and embracing change is much easier said than done. Many long-held habits and beliefs are firmly entrenched.
Professionals suggest focusing on contributions beyond traditional work after retirement. Volunteering, hobbies, or mentoring can provide a continued sense of meaning.
What I’m Finding:
A key seems to be having a sense of meaning - a reason to get up in the morning. Volunteering and hobbies don’t do that for me as much as mentoring does.
Furthermore, they suggest cultivating healthy relationships and engaging in community activities to combat isolation and foster a sense of belonging. Learning to ask trusted friends and family for help can reduce the fear of being a burden.
What I’m finding:
I get together regularly with family and friends, face-to-face and online, but also cherish my alone time.
Permitting myself to ask for help remains a challenge. I’ve always been the giver - it’s difficult to ask for help.
Finally experts encourage older adults to treat themselves with kindness and understanding - recognizing that everyone experiences struggles may help shift our negative self-talk.
What I’m Finding:
Treating myself as if I were my best friend remains a work in progress.
Something to think about! Where in our lives do we still feel useful, connected, or valued?
I would love it if you could share the Aging Well newsletter with others. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.
So, please forward this email to a friend and invite them to join us. They can subscribe here:
Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on SubStack for five years and recently published the book, An Insider’s Guide to Aging - Longevity Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-old.
Where in our lives do we still feel useful, connected, or valued?
The structure of testing what the research says against what you're actually finding in your own life is doing something real, those two things don't always match and you don't pretend they do. The line about confidence being in "us as a team" rather than in yourself individually is the kind of thing that takes years to recognize, let alone say plainly.