I am very much involved with my son, DIL and grandson (3), after I moved to be in Minnesota right near them. They asked me to move from Massachusetts. I also volunteer at the food bank, go to church and I am on committees, and I am part of the OLLI community and have made friends there. (Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at U of Minn). I have started dating casually via online matching. I am a widow since 2015 and had a partner subsequently but we broke up when I moved.
The structure of testing what the research says against what you're actually finding in your own life is doing something real, those two things don't always match and you don't pretend they do. The line about confidence being in "us as a team" rather than in yourself individually is the kind of thing that takes years to recognize, let alone say plainly.
Regarding irrelevance, I find that being "invisible" is so difficult. People seem to look right past me as if I weren't there. Sometimes even with family, whom I adore, I am rarely addressed - hugged, loved, fed, yes, but still it is as if they think I have nothing left to contribute to the conversations... And I sure do. I have many many decades full of interesting stories.... sigh
Hi Sharron, I was very involved with my family through the years. We lived next door to our grandsons for nine years, the older one lived with us as he went to college, my son lived within visiting distance until he moved out of state. They all remain wonderful and we are close but at the same time and rightfully so they have their own lives and I'm not involved as I was - I'm a different generation, can't do as much, and am a step out. I hadn't expected how much I would miss that.
At age 82, I understand what you are saying and dealing with. What I have found for myself is volunteering at the local adult community center as a receptionist (!) very part time and helping serving a once a week luncheon for seniors. The receptionist role has made me learn more of the resources available in my area which is good for me to know personally too. Plus, I greet folks during my two hour stints.....also good for me. Having worked all my life in various professional positions, it is surprisingly rewarding to be volunteering. My advice.....try it!
Hi Regina, So, it sounds like a triple win for you - learning about the available resources, socializing in a sense, and feeling good about being involved.
The part about confidence shifting from "us" to "me" is something I don't see discussed very often, and it feels deeply honest. It reminds us that adapting to later life isn't just about practical changes, but also about rebuilding trust in ourselves one step at a time.
This piece touches something so real. The fear of dependency often creeps in quietly — not with a dramatic moment but with small, everyday things that used to feel automatic. What strikes me about Janice's framing is that relevance doesn't have to mean being needed in the same ways we once were. We can reinvent what "mattering" looks like: teaching something, creating something, being fully present with someone, or simply staying mentally engaged and curious. That kind of purposeful attention — to learning, to problems, to the world around us — has its own quiet power and keeps us connected to life in ways that matter deeply.
This piece seems to have elicited a significant number of replies who seem to be in need of support--friendship, kind words and connection. We all need those things. It does become much harder as we get older and seemingly less relevant. I went to my first women's lunch just this past week that was under the umbrella of a MAJOR national retired person's association. Truth be told, I am looking for some friendships--casual and otherwise. Anyways, while it was pleasant, there was no mingling, no general conversation. You spoke with whoever sat on either side of you or across from you. Sigh. Family is great. Peers would be a plus!
While I am "of age," Senior Centers hold no interest for me. I have stereotyped them in my mind as places where lonely old people go for free lunches and what not. True, there is more than a bit of loneliness, there will not be enough to go those places...
No one asks me questions. After many years in corporate America I’m really good at chit chat. I’m a good listener and receiver of information but it’s never mutual. What’s everyone afraid of?
My husband and I have had a wonderful life together, even with all the trials. We lost our only child 10 years ago. That was tough, which many of you know all too well. Our faith in God has brought us (and continues) through so much. All the miracles and ways we are being blessed are too numerous to count. I am now 72 and living my best life. We open our home to others looking for spiritual answers. Every Sunday we have a meal together and study the Bible in an open discussion format. Through this practice we are building a community of faith and friends learning to lean on a higher power than us.
Hi! I'm very new on Substack and a very first time visitor to your page. My name is Maria and please permit me this caveat as it's important for everyone to know- although I'm in my early 60s, I did not grow up with a computer in my classroms. To this day, I remain basically most things tech/ computer ILLITERATE. That is by choice. I don't care for mechanical or engineering related academics nor do even really understand much about science even at the basic core. I went college in my late 40s and got an advanced degree in my mid 50s with a remarkable GPA, however, I almost had a nervous breakdown not learning Advanced Statistics, Economic, or the like, but rather Basic Windows, Microsoft Word, Excel, and such. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!
However, after I lost my only child, and her father and I were unable to survive it- I realized that my biggest fear ( and what kept me with him at the end) was the fear of dying alone. Once I became very ill and realized how useless he was after 27 years, that was no longer a problem. I RAN AWAY FAST. The worse problem was having no purpose! I realized that age plays no role in that. My disability was just the same. I spent 6 weeks I'm the hospital without a visitor. I was unable to walk. They put me on oxygen and said I would NEVER LIVE WITHOUT IT! The tank weighed more than I did. I never went back to the home we shared from the hospital stay. I was only 55 years old but I felt like I was 90. It would take me half an hour to get up 1 flight of stairs. It's the only time in my life that my thoughts became dark. I don't know how to survive without a purpose. THATS A VERY BIG PROBLEM for many people, I bet! I'm currently fully disabled and I never stop. I work through the night often preparing people for their litigation for government services, family court, health insurance, you name it. They are systematically taking all the free supports away by demolishing the funding for non profits. But people need help.
Your part helped me today to go out and help 5 other people. It's really is mysterious how intricate and NOT random life is. How we really do hear what we're supposed to hear when we most need to hear it in places we never expected. Many people say these things are merely coincidences and we as humans have the ability to connect 2 completely unrelated events just because we have such a gross need to attach some type of meaning to EVERYTHING. I have BELIEVED THE EXACT OPPOSITE ALL OF MY LIFE and with good reason. There are things that I have survived and miracles that I have witnessed ALL OVER THIS PLANET that could NEVER HAVE COME TO FRUITION BY A MERE SET OF COINCIDENCES. Only such a specific set of circumstanstances had to take place over a long period of time to get to the exact ending, the miracle, that I've witnessed. What a disservice not to notice that something bigger than ourselves has been here with us Always and always will be.
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us! It means a great deal to me and to many , many others as well, I'm sure of it.
Hi Maria, How nice to meet you and bravo for all you have and are accomplishing. I totally believe there is a synchronicity in life and we receive messages and guidance in unexpected ways. Take care of yourself.
I am sorry that Grace and Sharron feel this way . And I hope that somehow things improve . Guessing it depends upon our ages …. 77 is still young , comparatively speaking .
Personally I will continue to feel useful and valuable as long as I’m mobile. When movement fails , I fear the worst.
I feel useful because I am a kind of mentor for a number of people as part of an organization I belong to, something I can do on the phone or through zoom. These almost daily interactions havereally made me feel connected, despite being limited by health issues from much public engagement. In addition, as in indie author who is always working on various aspects of this post-retirement career (research, writing, publishing, marketing) I not only am busy, but the responses by fans of my writing certainly do make me feel valued. As I am sure you have discovered, every time a substack subscriber likes, comments, or even opens one of my daily newsletter, I get a sense of connection and confidence that my life still has meaning.
Hi Louisa, Your point is well taken - the newsletter has been such a gift in that regard. It definitely is a piece of my purpose and does give my life meaning.
Where in our lives do we still feel useful, connected, or valued?
Not anywhere. Estrangement from my children has hollowed me out!
I am very much involved with my son, DIL and grandson (3), after I moved to be in Minnesota right near them. They asked me to move from Massachusetts. I also volunteer at the food bank, go to church and I am on committees, and I am part of the OLLI community and have made friends there. (Osher Lifelong Learning Institute at U of Minn). I have started dating casually via online matching. I am a widow since 2015 and had a partner subsequently but we broke up when I moved.
Hi Julie, It seems as if you are doing well with all of life's changes.
Thank you for the article.....
I started taking improv classes at 85 and am having a blast. It’s a supportive community of extremely diverse people on every dimension.
Hi Joy, That sounds like fun.
The structure of testing what the research says against what you're actually finding in your own life is doing something real, those two things don't always match and you don't pretend they do. The line about confidence being in "us as a team" rather than in yourself individually is the kind of thing that takes years to recognize, let alone say plainly.
Thank you for sharing this article
What if you do not have family to depend on? It's not just fear of loosing independence. It's fear of not having anyone to depend on.
Hi Kathy, There certainly is that side of the coin as well. . . which can be very scary.
Regarding irrelevance, I find that being "invisible" is so difficult. People seem to look right past me as if I weren't there. Sometimes even with family, whom I adore, I am rarely addressed - hugged, loved, fed, yes, but still it is as if they think I have nothing left to contribute to the conversations... And I sure do. I have many many decades full of interesting stories.... sigh
Hi Sharron, I was very involved with my family through the years. We lived next door to our grandsons for nine years, the older one lived with us as he went to college, my son lived within visiting distance until he moved out of state. They all remain wonderful and we are close but at the same time and rightfully so they have their own lives and I'm not involved as I was - I'm a different generation, can't do as much, and am a step out. I hadn't expected how much I would miss that.
At age 82, I understand what you are saying and dealing with. What I have found for myself is volunteering at the local adult community center as a receptionist (!) very part time and helping serving a once a week luncheon for seniors. The receptionist role has made me learn more of the resources available in my area which is good for me to know personally too. Plus, I greet folks during my two hour stints.....also good for me. Having worked all my life in various professional positions, it is surprisingly rewarding to be volunteering. My advice.....try it!
Hi Regina, So, it sounds like a triple win for you - learning about the available resources, socializing in a sense, and feeling good about being involved.
The part about confidence shifting from "us" to "me" is something I don't see discussed very often, and it feels deeply honest. It reminds us that adapting to later life isn't just about practical changes, but also about rebuilding trust in ourselves one step at a time.
Hi Bryan, Rebuilding trust in me after being part of a "we" for so long has been a difficult adjustment, I've found.
This piece touches something so real. The fear of dependency often creeps in quietly — not with a dramatic moment but with small, everyday things that used to feel automatic. What strikes me about Janice's framing is that relevance doesn't have to mean being needed in the same ways we once were. We can reinvent what "mattering" looks like: teaching something, creating something, being fully present with someone, or simply staying mentally engaged and curious. That kind of purposeful attention — to learning, to problems, to the world around us — has its own quiet power and keeps us connected to life in ways that matter deeply.
Hi, beginning to realize that I was still the same caring person who just needed to find ways to care differently was such an empowering insight.
This piece seems to have elicited a significant number of replies who seem to be in need of support--friendship, kind words and connection. We all need those things. It does become much harder as we get older and seemingly less relevant. I went to my first women's lunch just this past week that was under the umbrella of a MAJOR national retired person's association. Truth be told, I am looking for some friendships--casual and otherwise. Anyways, while it was pleasant, there was no mingling, no general conversation. You spoke with whoever sat on either side of you or across from you. Sigh. Family is great. Peers would be a plus!
Hi Marcia, That's kind of what I felt when going to the Senior Center near me. I went several times but there were just no real connections made.
While I am "of age," Senior Centers hold no interest for me. I have stereotyped them in my mind as places where lonely old people go for free lunches and what not. True, there is more than a bit of loneliness, there will not be enough to go those places...
No one asks me questions. After many years in corporate America I’m really good at chit chat. I’m a good listener and receiver of information but it’s never mutual. What’s everyone afraid of?
Hi Brenda, I can talk about certain subjects for hours and I'm good at asking questions, but chit chatting is more of a challenge.
My husband and I have had a wonderful life together, even with all the trials. We lost our only child 10 years ago. That was tough, which many of you know all too well. Our faith in God has brought us (and continues) through so much. All the miracles and ways we are being blessed are too numerous to count. I am now 72 and living my best life. We open our home to others looking for spiritual answers. Every Sunday we have a meal together and study the Bible in an open discussion format. Through this practice we are building a community of faith and friends learning to lean on a higher power than us.
Hi Marcia, That sounds lovely.
Hi! I'm very new on Substack and a very first time visitor to your page. My name is Maria and please permit me this caveat as it's important for everyone to know- although I'm in my early 60s, I did not grow up with a computer in my classroms. To this day, I remain basically most things tech/ computer ILLITERATE. That is by choice. I don't care for mechanical or engineering related academics nor do even really understand much about science even at the basic core. I went college in my late 40s and got an advanced degree in my mid 50s with a remarkable GPA, however, I almost had a nervous breakdown not learning Advanced Statistics, Economic, or the like, but rather Basic Windows, Microsoft Word, Excel, and such. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!
However, after I lost my only child, and her father and I were unable to survive it- I realized that my biggest fear ( and what kept me with him at the end) was the fear of dying alone. Once I became very ill and realized how useless he was after 27 years, that was no longer a problem. I RAN AWAY FAST. The worse problem was having no purpose! I realized that age plays no role in that. My disability was just the same. I spent 6 weeks I'm the hospital without a visitor. I was unable to walk. They put me on oxygen and said I would NEVER LIVE WITHOUT IT! The tank weighed more than I did. I never went back to the home we shared from the hospital stay. I was only 55 years old but I felt like I was 90. It would take me half an hour to get up 1 flight of stairs. It's the only time in my life that my thoughts became dark. I don't know how to survive without a purpose. THATS A VERY BIG PROBLEM for many people, I bet! I'm currently fully disabled and I never stop. I work through the night often preparing people for their litigation for government services, family court, health insurance, you name it. They are systematically taking all the free supports away by demolishing the funding for non profits. But people need help.
Your part helped me today to go out and help 5 other people. It's really is mysterious how intricate and NOT random life is. How we really do hear what we're supposed to hear when we most need to hear it in places we never expected. Many people say these things are merely coincidences and we as humans have the ability to connect 2 completely unrelated events just because we have such a gross need to attach some type of meaning to EVERYTHING. I have BELIEVED THE EXACT OPPOSITE ALL OF MY LIFE and with good reason. There are things that I have survived and miracles that I have witnessed ALL OVER THIS PLANET that could NEVER HAVE COME TO FRUITION BY A MERE SET OF COINCIDENCES. Only such a specific set of circumstanstances had to take place over a long period of time to get to the exact ending, the miracle, that I've witnessed. What a disservice not to notice that something bigger than ourselves has been here with us Always and always will be.
Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us! It means a great deal to me and to many , many others as well, I'm sure of it.
Hi Maria, How nice to meet you and bravo for all you have and are accomplishing. I totally believe there is a synchronicity in life and we receive messages and guidance in unexpected ways. Take care of yourself.
I am sorry that Grace and Sharron feel this way . And I hope that somehow things improve . Guessing it depends upon our ages …. 77 is still young , comparatively speaking .
Personally I will continue to feel useful and valuable as long as I’m mobile. When movement fails , I fear the worst.
Hi Karen, while I am still physically mobile, no longer driving has curtailed me to a degree.
Of course , awful to be dependent.
I'm really not very good at it - that's for sure.
I feel useful because I am a kind of mentor for a number of people as part of an organization I belong to, something I can do on the phone or through zoom. These almost daily interactions havereally made me feel connected, despite being limited by health issues from much public engagement. In addition, as in indie author who is always working on various aspects of this post-retirement career (research, writing, publishing, marketing) I not only am busy, but the responses by fans of my writing certainly do make me feel valued. As I am sure you have discovered, every time a substack subscriber likes, comments, or even opens one of my daily newsletter, I get a sense of connection and confidence that my life still has meaning.
Hi Louisa, Your point is well taken - the newsletter has been such a gift in that regard. It definitely is a piece of my purpose and does give my life meaning.