It's In My Best Interest - So They Say #129
Thanks for sharing. As always I appreciate you sharing your wisdom.
Someone (famous I’m sure) is quoted as defining forgiveness as “giving up the need for revenge “. I strive to practice that. Revenge is carrying a burden and is ultimately self-inflicted pain and can lead to a viscous cycle. It doesn’t mean that I condone or forget what offended me.
I’m sure others define what forgiveness differently.
Nice. I find that in these forgiveness situations I might reach a phase in which gratitude takes over everything. Grudges are dropped. I remember the good parts of the relationship. And be thankful for those, despite I got hurt. When that point is reached, all the rest phases into the background.
In the end, I’m the only one who’s at loss when grudges drive my life.
However, this process cannot be forced. It might happen with time. As the sadness for what has happened leads me to see things differently. As I realise that I’m angry since I really cared about the person I had disagreements with. And that the rest does not really matter.
At the same time, this does not mean I might want the person in my life again. It is rather an acknowledgment in memory of the good experience we had together.
I wish you’ll do the best for you. Starting from forgiving yourself for the empathy you’ve played ;)
Donna I love your description of forgiveness.. and in truth that was what happened, I had to look inside me and find a way to let it go... it took years. Your counterpoints are well said and yes those are generalities that are offered.
I was introduced to "Ho'oponopono" a couple of years ago Janice and often find myself using the prayer. There's a lovely explanation here at: https://graceandlightness.com/hooponopono-for-forgiveness/ and of course you will find multiple options over at YouTube for meditations. Simple but very effective in my own journey.
I'm sorry you had to go through this Janice and love how you are turning it around and sharing your lesson, especially when you wrote you realized they were doing the best they could do at the time.
I don't agree with the four points that are made around forgiveness. When you wrote 'they say to forgive we need to...' are you referring to the culture in general, that culturally we say those things?
I believe that forgiveness does not necessarily mean we condone the situation or the actions of the other party. We can understand their motivation or perhaps see why they acted that way without accepting that it's OK.
An apology has nothing to do with forgiveness. Apologies can be heartfelt or the total opposite or, as you said, not come at all. Forgiveness, to me, is doing the inner work required to be able to move forward and not remain stuck in the energy of what happened. This is possible without any kind of apology, however not usually without a great deal of effort.
You can forgive a person and never, ever see them again. You do not need to communicate with them in any way to offer forgiveness as it comes from your heart and is only about you being ready to move forward from a difficult situation.
We can be hurt and move on anyway. Waiting until we are free of pain to forgive likely means it will never happen. Just as we can be in full blown grief and love something at the same time we can be hurt and forgive at the same time.
I always recall the saying that goes something like 'to withhold forgiveness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die'. Sometimes it's as if we feel like if we forgive them we are telling them it was all ok but, to my mind, that's not the way true forgiveness operates.
" I found a way to set aside my anger and resentment regarding the situation. So important for people wishing to age well." You are proof it can be done - even after many many entrenched years. Good for you Janice. Thanks for all the insight you give your readers.
Forgiveness is powerful. It’s for us to let go of the emotional cargo, not for the person we’re forgiving.
‘Sincere American Writing’