Your Journey Is Unique

Grief: Beyond the 5 Stages Framework

Photo by Ann on Unsplash

I was losing Dan four years before he died - he had dementia. Initially, we thought and hoped his memory loss was a short-term symptom of anesthesia administered for emergency surgery, but there was no denying the change.

I was angry about this life-altering situation and didn’t want to deal with it, but I was relieved he didn’t have to live in that hell any longer when he died.

There was no bargaining. Dan wasn’t the same and wasn’t there - those were facts. Although I accept them, the grieving continues - an essential part of my life is missing. Now, almost four years later, there is a low-level depression, which I don’t see changing even though life is good and I’m very fortunate.

So, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's model describing grief in five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance never fit for me.

One reason the model doesn’t fit is that Kubler-Ross initially developed it to describe the process patients go through as they come to terms with their terminal illnesses. Only later was it applied to grieving friends and family members who seemed to undergo a similar process after losing a loved one.

It’s time to realize that grief takes countless forms and occurs in limitless ways—a simple five-stage model doesn’t always define it. Thinking of those stages as universal alienates people and causes additional pain when they experience loss differently.

Grief is unique - no one else had the same relationship you and that person had. Circumstances surrounding the death, other losses, emotional support, and cultural or religious background influence the experience.

People sometimes describe grief as a journey and the stages as emotions that dominate how they feel at different times. But they come and go and follow no order.

That description fits for me. I get angry when Dan isn’t here to help with the dishes or fix a broken pipe and cry when I remember he isn’t here to help with the dishes or fix a broken pipe. Sometimes, the feelings cycle through several times a day or simultaneously.

Information about how people can heal from grief abounds; four ideas help me manage.

• Allowing the feelings to be—sometimes, crying for no apparent reason and being angry when things don’t work as I think they should

• Journaling

• Talking with a coach who provides fresh ideas and friends willing to listen

• Including Dan in my conversations and having pictures and reminders around the apartment

An important thing to remember is not to let others define your grieving process for you - but make it your own, whatever that looks like.

People grieving the loss of a loved one might appreciate reading the article Navigating the Waves of Grief: A Review of Meghan O'Rourke's The Long Goodbye."

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