Our Choices Matter
The Choices We Make Today Shape Our Quality of Life as We Grow Older
Two realizations have come as quite a shock lately. The first is that many of my so-called problems were caused by earlier choices of mine and the second is that responsibility for my actions also requires me to consider their impact beforehand, like when I chose not to fix the broken chair leg properly, and had to buy a new one, or when I mistakenly deleted my password list and had to reconstruct a new one.
The connection between choices and problems seems to be a matter of shifting our focus from a belief that says life happens to us to one that says our choices and actions play a role.
Moreover, being accountable or responsible for the consequences of our actions allows us to learn from mistakes, make better decisions for the future, and build emotional resilience, even when the immediate choices are challenging.
This shift in thinking may allow us to transform from helpless recipients of circumstances to active agents contributing to our future in various ways. It may even allow us to stop waiting for others to act, turn difficulties into opportunities, and make more thoughtful choices.
Experts Suggest that aging well and maintaining our quality of life in the later years isn’t about controlling what happens, but about how we participate, given the inevitable losses and constraints that arise. Not everything is under our control, but we do have influence. Our choices might be fewer or different, but they’re meaningful.
What I’m Finding:
I always saw myself as making sensible, ethical, and trustworthy decisions regarding my actions, but didn’t always consider the outcomes. One that comes to mind: My husband made it clear that he would not want a funeral service when he died. His death occurred during COVID, so, we had a small family lunch to celebrate his life. I didn’t consider that out of town relatives would be disappointed they were not included. We could have easily arranged that through FaceTime or Zoom, which may have been a more thoughtful decision.
I’m able to manage the physical demands of loss and aging fairly well, but less successful when dealing with the emotions involved. A better plan might be to honestly acknowledge my feelings, learn more about the emotional effects of loss and aging, be more compassionate with myself, or maybe join a support group.
Experts Say that even though life deals us challenges, we still have choices in terms of how we respond emotionally, how we interpret those events, the words we say to ourselves, what we focus on, and how we use our energy.
What I’m Finding:
I was unprepared for the outcomes my choices produced such as my self-talk becoming more negative, my general mood changing, and my life seemingly less meaningful.
Not every aspect of aging is within our control, but we can choose to approach ourselves with frustration or kindness - for me, that continues to be a work in progress.
Experts Say that we can stop being victims by taking responsibility and practicing self-care, saying no, and educating ourselves.
What I’m Finding:
A need to please others and a loss of self-confidence caused me to distrust myself and tended to keep me from being as responsible as I wanted.
There was little time for self-care and compassion. I was too busy coping with the realities of the moment. Be that as it may, both are important priorities.
Similarly, dealing with daily issues left little time and energy for educating myself, which doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a useful undertaking.
When we recognize that loss and aging are physical and emotional, we can begin making sensible choices regarding both our bodies and feelings.
While it’s sometimes painful to admit that we have a role in situations, it does give us control over what comes next.
My question for you is this: How are your choices treating you?
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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.
In terms of aging well, how are your choices working for you?
Your article reminded me of navigating a large ship into port. The successful docking isn't decided at the pier. It's determined by the course corrections made miles before you ever arrive. So many of our choices work the same way. We notice the consequences downstream, but the decision that shaped them happened much earlier, often before we realized its importance.
The same has been true emotionally. Ignoring difficult feelings never made them disappear for me. They needed to be acknowledged, cared for, and sometimes shared with someone I trusted before I could actually move through them.