The example of honoring your husband’s wish for no funeral while later realizing relatives still needed a way to join makes responsibility feel much gentler than blame. It is really an act of widening the frame around a choice, even when the original decision was made with care.
Your article reminded me of navigating a large ship into port. The successful docking isn't decided at the pier. It's determined by the course corrections made miles before you ever arrive. So many of our choices work the same way. We notice the consequences downstream, but the decision that shaped them happened much earlier, often before we realized its importance.
The same has been true emotionally. Ignoring difficult feelings never made them disappear for me. They needed to be acknowledged, cared for, and sometimes shared with someone I trusted before I could actually move through them.
I have spent my latter years studying coaching which has primarily been a process of personal development and healing. I agree we made choices over our lifetime that helped get us where we are. We can turn things around, our health by degrees if we really want to focus on what we need, more than just adding medications. I choose to keep improving steps each day, to get out into the community and foster friendships. It can be easy to slip into a small quiet life, quite comfortable but oh so boring. I try to make every day count, especially since having a warning heart attack in March. Love your share ❤️
For a long while, Janice, I had been just feeling so much self-pity regarding my worsening physical limitations and chronic pain ...oh poor me! And what is even more frustrating, is constantly worrying about how much worse it is going to get and dreading my future. Now I am trying to face just one day at a time, focusing on TODAY and giving thanks for the bit of mobility I still have. I am going to let tomorrow worry about tomorrow... I remember reading once (sorry, I can't say where...) "If you have something horrible and unavoidable coming in December, you would be fool to let it ruin your September, October, and November."
Hi Sharron, I loved the quote - what a great question to be asking ourselves. One idea that sometimes, but not always, works because I worry about my aging body and the future as you do is to write out a basic plan - the plan will change but it tends to park the worry rather than allowing it to roam around in my head and ruin the beauty of the day I'm in.
Ha! I am looking to retire in 6 months from now, and find myself for the first time in my life having trouble making decisions! All of a sudden, there are too many choices to make, each with what seem to be rather unpredictable consequences of possibly hard to correct outcomes...I know, analysis paralysis....it is good to be reminded by your post that not deciding is a decision, too, and take responsibility for that...
I I also fine that my biggest challenge is to remember to be kind and compassionate with myself. Even though I have friends and close family members, I don’t live with them, so my world really now consists of me and my primary task is to improve my relationship with MYSELF. I spend more time with myself than with anyone else. There are no other relationships to distract me. The big work starts with me…
I’m 80 years old and I would have to say my choices have worked very well for me. I’m still very active; swimming, riding , rowing and lifting weights. However, my frustration now is dealing with the constant assault of health issues that seem to never stop. I no sooner deal with one issue and another comes at me. Not the result of poor choices but of age and dna. I thought that living healthfully for the last 55 years would provide more of a shield from that, but it turns out I was wrong.
Hi Robert, that is what I hadn't counted on either - the effects of age and dna. My husband and I unknowingly made some good choices - we exercised for years, didn't smoke, had a fairly healthy diet and drank little alcohol. He had dementia and died of COVID at age 81. I'm fairly healthy, but little issues keep sneaking in - my hearing isn't as good, I've had eye surgery, there are more aches and pains - and I suppose it doesn't get better. I do well enough and at the same time not nearly as well as I thought.
Thank you. It helps to know that others are dealing with this as well. I guess we have to accept this is aging but not accept it to the point that we are too discouraged to continue the fight.
@janicewalton My choices are working well. I retired over 20 years ago, but have worked most of that time at a job part-time that pays well and offers engagement, and utilizes my skills. I switched my coaching focus from career management and business development for small business owners (also a part-time endeavor) to helping people focus on planning for their LIFE in retirement, not just their finances. Too many people don't know what to do; some are "afraid to retire" because they don't know what they will do with "all that free time." While there is no one "right way" to retire, you CAN build a life around what matters most to YOU. I help professionals in their 50's and 60's get clarity on what matters most to THEM, and consider all the possibilities they have never considered before, to create a happy, satisfying life for what could be the longest "chapter" of their life!
Thanks, Janice. Yes, it is rewarding work. And even people who have planned quite a bit for what they will do in retirement have found that different choices open up different possibilities. It's surprising to many retirees I have talked to that there were many options available to make it a truly happy life - on THEIR terms.
It sounds like you have figured this out for yourself - an inspiring example for others!
I made some "mistakes" when I retired that caused me to revisit some of my choices that didn't fit like I thought they would. The good news is that rarely are decisions unalterable. It's just easier if you figure out if they will meet your most important needs and desires BEFORE you make/implement them. But transitioning to a new life is not a "once and done" process.
Blaming and regret are not productive in my experience. Also thinking you would have done something different in the last from what you know now is a true mind ‘F”.
I like making choices and fortunately, they have improved over time--I make better ones today then in the past. Importantly, I am more willing to make choices because I am now less concerned I will make the wrong ones. I have learned that making no choice can be as bad as making the wrong one because I do not learn and grow.
Hi James, It's seems like we have to make the choice to determine if it works or not. I am also learning that making no choice is still making a choice and there will be outcomes.
I have to say — I just finished writing a parable about a woman reckoning with her life's choices from a hospital bed at eighty-one, and reading this felt like watching it happen in real time, from someone actually living it instead of someone imagining it. "It does give us control over what comes next" — that's the whole thing, isn't it. Not undoing the choice. Just what you do with the seeing of it.
Hi Amy, Agreed - it's not about undoing the choice, but what is the next choice to make given the outcome of that one: decide on a new choice, adjust the old one, blame the Internet, or something else.
In terms of aging well, how are your choices working for you?
My answer would some work pretty well and others need rethinking.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Janice. Quite helpful as I maneuver thru menopause and evolve my career and passions.
Thank you so much for sharing your insight. ❤️
The example of honoring your husband’s wish for no funeral while later realizing relatives still needed a way to join makes responsibility feel much gentler than blame. It is really an act of widening the frame around a choice, even when the original decision was made with care.
So true! Thank you for reminding us
Your article reminded me of navigating a large ship into port. The successful docking isn't decided at the pier. It's determined by the course corrections made miles before you ever arrive. So many of our choices work the same way. We notice the consequences downstream, but the decision that shaped them happened much earlier, often before we realized its importance.
The same has been true emotionally. Ignoring difficult feelings never made them disappear for me. They needed to be acknowledged, cared for, and sometimes shared with someone I trusted before I could actually move through them.
Hi Nathan, What a great analogy.
I have spent my latter years studying coaching which has primarily been a process of personal development and healing. I agree we made choices over our lifetime that helped get us where we are. We can turn things around, our health by degrees if we really want to focus on what we need, more than just adding medications. I choose to keep improving steps each day, to get out into the community and foster friendships. It can be easy to slip into a small quiet life, quite comfortable but oh so boring. I try to make every day count, especially since having a warning heart attack in March. Love your share ❤️
Hi Christine, I like that goal -trying to make every day count. Be well and take care.
That’s my 94 year old Dads mantra Christina. Every day counts!
For a long while, Janice, I had been just feeling so much self-pity regarding my worsening physical limitations and chronic pain ...oh poor me! And what is even more frustrating, is constantly worrying about how much worse it is going to get and dreading my future. Now I am trying to face just one day at a time, focusing on TODAY and giving thanks for the bit of mobility I still have. I am going to let tomorrow worry about tomorrow... I remember reading once (sorry, I can't say where...) "If you have something horrible and unavoidable coming in December, you would be fool to let it ruin your September, October, and November."
Hi Sharron, I loved the quote - what a great question to be asking ourselves. One idea that sometimes, but not always, works because I worry about my aging body and the future as you do is to write out a basic plan - the plan will change but it tends to park the worry rather than allowing it to roam around in my head and ruin the beauty of the day I'm in.
Super idea. Thanks Janice
Ha! I am looking to retire in 6 months from now, and find myself for the first time in my life having trouble making decisions! All of a sudden, there are too many choices to make, each with what seem to be rather unpredictable consequences of possibly hard to correct outcomes...I know, analysis paralysis....it is good to be reminded by your post that not deciding is a decision, too, and take responsibility for that...
Hi, I wanted to highlight your point: not choosing is also a choice and there are consequences.
I I also fine that my biggest challenge is to remember to be kind and compassionate with myself. Even though I have friends and close family members, I don’t live with them, so my world really now consists of me and my primary task is to improve my relationship with MYSELF. I spend more time with myself than with anyone else. There are no other relationships to distract me. The big work starts with me…
Hi Christine, Well said. I'm finding the same to be true - the need to improve my relationship with myself has become a primary focus.
I’m 80 years old and I would have to say my choices have worked very well for me. I’m still very active; swimming, riding , rowing and lifting weights. However, my frustration now is dealing with the constant assault of health issues that seem to never stop. I no sooner deal with one issue and another comes at me. Not the result of poor choices but of age and dna. I thought that living healthfully for the last 55 years would provide more of a shield from that, but it turns out I was wrong.
Hi Robert, that is what I hadn't counted on either - the effects of age and dna. My husband and I unknowingly made some good choices - we exercised for years, didn't smoke, had a fairly healthy diet and drank little alcohol. He had dementia and died of COVID at age 81. I'm fairly healthy, but little issues keep sneaking in - my hearing isn't as good, I've had eye surgery, there are more aches and pains - and I suppose it doesn't get better. I do well enough and at the same time not nearly as well as I thought.
Thank you. It helps to know that others are dealing with this as well. I guess we have to accept this is aging but not accept it to the point that we are too discouraged to continue the fight.
Robert, What a great distinction! That concerns me about the word accept - it will lead us to no longer adjust or do what we still are capable of.
@janicewalton My choices are working well. I retired over 20 years ago, but have worked most of that time at a job part-time that pays well and offers engagement, and utilizes my skills. I switched my coaching focus from career management and business development for small business owners (also a part-time endeavor) to helping people focus on planning for their LIFE in retirement, not just their finances. Too many people don't know what to do; some are "afraid to retire" because they don't know what they will do with "all that free time." While there is no one "right way" to retire, you CAN build a life around what matters most to YOU. I help professionals in their 50's and 60's get clarity on what matters most to THEM, and consider all the possibilities they have never considered before, to create a happy, satisfying life for what could be the longest "chapter" of their life!
Hi Colleen, That must be very rewarding work. It's so true, I think, that many people have no plans for after they retire - and are kind of lost.
Thanks, Janice. Yes, it is rewarding work. And even people who have planned quite a bit for what they will do in retirement have found that different choices open up different possibilities. It's surprising to many retirees I have talked to that there were many options available to make it a truly happy life - on THEIR terms.
It sounds like you have figured this out for yourself - an inspiring example for others!
I made some "mistakes" when I retired that caused me to revisit some of my choices that didn't fit like I thought they would. The good news is that rarely are decisions unalterable. It's just easier if you figure out if they will meet your most important needs and desires BEFORE you make/implement them. But transitioning to a new life is not a "once and done" process.
I look forward to reading your book!
Hi Colleen, Very true, the present moment can be the time for a new choice or decision even regarding previous ones that didn't work as planned.
Blaming and regret are not productive in my experience. Also thinking you would have done something different in the last from what you know now is a true mind ‘F”.
I like making choices and fortunately, they have improved over time--I make better ones today then in the past. Importantly, I am more willing to make choices because I am now less concerned I will make the wrong ones. I have learned that making no choice can be as bad as making the wrong one because I do not learn and grow.
Hi James, It's seems like we have to make the choice to determine if it works or not. I am also learning that making no choice is still making a choice and there will be outcomes.
I have to say — I just finished writing a parable about a woman reckoning with her life's choices from a hospital bed at eighty-one, and reading this felt like watching it happen in real time, from someone actually living it instead of someone imagining it. "It does give us control over what comes next" — that's the whole thing, isn't it. Not undoing the choice. Just what you do with the seeing of it.
Hi Amy, Agreed - it's not about undoing the choice, but what is the next choice to make given the outcome of that one: decide on a new choice, adjust the old one, blame the Internet, or something else.