Letting Go of Who We Were
To Make Room For Who We Are Becoming
After my husband died, I wrote about letting go of life as a married woman. Practically, I’ve been successful; emotionally, not so much, given our shared 70-year history and intertwined lives.
It appears there is a similar - maybe larger - challenge to deal with - one I hadn’t considered, but one that is causing anguish lately. As the aging process marches on - despite my best efforts to slow it down - I’m having to let go of who I was and what I could do, to embrace what I can do, rather than continuing to force myself to do things that are now stressful.
For example, I can’t and don’t care to be an online adjunct psychology professor anymore, but I can write a newsletter about aging well, which I love. The same expertise and skills are required; they’re just applied differently.
I suppose that challenge begins with defining what’s true for me today, and acknowledging four important facts.
I'd best take excellent care of the body I live in - even more so now.
My husband was my rock - he always had my back. Initially, my goal was to be my own rock, but that doesn’t seem possible. I can’t replicate what he provided in terms of safety, love, and support. However, maybe I can advocate for myself to the best of my ability, build a support team, and let them help when needed.
I’ve spent a lot of time, too much, truthfully, being angry and frustrated at what my body can no longer do and pushing myself to do things I don’t want to do.
The past can provide wonderful memories and lessons that support me now and the woman I’m becoming. The losses remain; there’s no way around it, but maybe the key is to use them as a catalyst for something new.
Experts say the solution is not to rage against the changes, but to relax into them. Acknowledge that we’ve entered a new phase of life, one that’s going to be different from the way we lived before, and look at it as an opportunity for a new adventure.
What I’m finding:
Raging certainly hasn’t worked, nor has forcing myself to do things I don’t want to do - they only create more stress.
I have values, beliefs, and experiences that help me formulate something new, but I also have long-held beliefs and habits that hold me back.
Maybe the key is in adjusting - if it’s something I really want to do - doing it in a way that meets my body’s and my heart’s needs. Case in point: I’d been doing the acrylic landscape paintings for several years, but my hands aren’t as steady, and painting was no longer fun. However, I can use colored pencils much more easily and apply my art skills in a new, challenging, and interesting way.
Experts say that, as an older adult, using the past to build a new future involves a proactive process of repurposing—shifting from a career-focused identity to one based on legacy, passion, and mentorship. This transition may enhance mental health, foster a sense of meaning, and allow us to filter our most valuable life lessons for future generations.
What I’m finding:
This information rings true for me, and it’s what the newsletter is all about.
I discovered the term "sage-ing," a way of living in the second half of our lives that can be fulfilling and beneficial.
It suggests living our later years creatively and with purpose, harvesting the accumulated wisdom of earlier years, and sharing it with others.
Enriching our lives as we expand our own. Sage-ing can empower us to add years to our lives and life to our years.
I’m also finding that hobbies, per se, don’t entirely meet that need for me. However, if I switch from acrylic painting to colored-pencil art and send them to friends or include them in the newsletter articles, it does.
Experts say that learning how to see our successes and apply them going forward is priceless. Seeing what you might not have done so well, and what you can do differently in the future, is also priceless. Living in the past doesn’t create an adaptable life. Using the past to help create the future does.
What I’m finding:
Maybe if I apply my qualities and the lessons I’ve learned in the past to my future, I can create a fulfilling quality of life no matter my age.
A question we might want to ask ourselves is this: What aspects of who we were are we still holding on to—and do they or can they still fit who we are now?
I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. Above all, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.
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Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.
Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and has just published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-Year-Old, which is available on Amazon.
What aspects of who we were are we still holding on to—and do they or can they still fit who we are now?
Janice, I want to add you to my old lady brigade!