Our son and only child died at age 38, it's almost 13 years. You never get over it, you just get through each day. The only thing that helps me is to reach out and try to help other people in their times of needs. Four years isn't very long at all, give yourself grace. It's very hard.
Having lost my husband in 2011, I don’t think it’s something you ‘get over’. Rather, I assimilated it into the new life that was forced upon me. Not easy.
He still has a big place in my life, even though I am happily married again, to a widower. We make time to welcome our previous spouses into our relationship, as without them having both lived AND died, we would not have met.
Ironic to say the least. And not something I ever imagined could be possible. Sending you love, Janice, even though I don’t know you. Xxx
Hi Jane, What a lovely story. I think you're right about the assimilation process. Next week's article is about the four tasks of grieving, and that is precisely the point recent grief researchers make.
My experience is so much the same as yours. My (widowed) partner and I regularly mention our deceased spouses, they are forever intertwined in our lives, as they should be. 💞
My husband died 14 years ago. What I was told then by a dear friend still holds true... The pain never goes away, you just get used to it. Sending you hugs. 💞
Life is growing around my grief, but specific dates stab me and I'm transported right back into the messy middle of it all. It's also complicated with traumatic moments and different to the loss of your husband.
I still want to believe it's love persevering through, perhaps because then I don't focus on the horrible moments of caring for Dad. I grieve for others, especially right now for a very close friend, but I understand this one more easily than the complex pain-love-grief-rage with Dad.
Somewhere I missed that you weren't able to be at Dan's beside when he passed. This made me cry. The loss and grief you felt and experienced (still) is beyond my comprehension. They say losing a child is worse. I didn't have children so I have nothing to compare that with. But I am married to the love of my life, and though it hasn't been long (less than five years) I've never felt the. closeness I have with my husband. When I lost both parents it devastated me. Maybe I take loss harder because I haven't been close to many people in my lifetime.
Thank you for sharing love and loss with us inside this newsletter. It's only in the sharing that we as readers on (either side) of loss begin to understand the depths, and in turn maybe comfort or be there for our fellow humans when the time comes.
Having gone through this, I have more compassion for others with similar experiences. I just did not imagine all of the losses until they were upon me.
Sending you love Janice. It goes in phases doesn't it. December was hard for me but January has been better and I've been getting on with my stuff. I haven't thought about Graham as much but then, all of a sudden, I miss him again and feel melancholy. I think this is the ongoing nature of grief. Big hugs as ever 💕💕
I've realised through my experience that the relationship you have with your spouse is different to any other relationship. I have amazing friends and family - I'm so loved and supported by everyone. But the dynamic with your other half is unique. So I suppose the grief of losing that is unique too.
Janice, I really treasure that although our paths are different, we are walking them together ❤️
I agree—the one with your spouse, particularly when it was a very close relationship, seems different. As you are finding, there are so many other losses involved. Thank you, Cali, for being there and being you.
I learn something each time I read your words here Janice. I cannot fathom the depth of grief that may be mine if my husband of 54 years dies before me. Sending my love across the oceans to you!
Hi Denyse, Thank you. It's not something a person can prepare for, I think. I had four years of caring for my husband as he struggled with dementia, but I still wasn't.
I can only imagine how much pain you must be feeling, and I know nothing I say will change that. I wouldn't dream of using those old platitudes people use when the death of someone's beloved happens. I understand the loss of a beloved as my eldest son died at age 49 on December 16th, 2011. Nothing anyone said had much impact. I wanted to grieve alone and so I did. Blessings on your journey to find some peace.
Hi Jan, I'm thinking there is no way to prepare for this type of loss. I knew he had dementia; I knew he was failing, but he was still here. And then he wasn't - I never imagined what that might be like.
I think you are right. I remember my mom — in my dad’s last days of lung cancer — praying to save him, telling God she would love him even in his debilitated state. I admire you ladies. xoxo
It's Been Four Years.
Hugs, Janice.
❤️
Janice, you always reveal your heart to us. I feel honored that you would do so. Thank you
Our son and only child died at age 38, it's almost 13 years. You never get over it, you just get through each day. The only thing that helps me is to reach out and try to help other people in their times of needs. Four years isn't very long at all, give yourself grace. It's very hard.
Hi Noel, It is very difficult - much more than I could have imagined..
Having lost my husband in 2011, I don’t think it’s something you ‘get over’. Rather, I assimilated it into the new life that was forced upon me. Not easy.
He still has a big place in my life, even though I am happily married again, to a widower. We make time to welcome our previous spouses into our relationship, as without them having both lived AND died, we would not have met.
Ironic to say the least. And not something I ever imagined could be possible. Sending you love, Janice, even though I don’t know you. Xxx
Hi Jane, What a lovely story. I think you're right about the assimilation process. Next week's article is about the four tasks of grieving, and that is precisely the point recent grief researchers make.
My experience is so much the same as yours. My (widowed) partner and I regularly mention our deceased spouses, they are forever intertwined in our lives, as they should be. 💞
My husband died 14 years ago. What I was told then by a dear friend still holds true... The pain never goes away, you just get used to it. Sending you hugs. 💞
Hi Nancy, I now think that's true. And thanks!!!
Life is growing around my grief, but specific dates stab me and I'm transported right back into the messy middle of it all. It's also complicated with traumatic moments and different to the loss of your husband.
I still want to believe it's love persevering through, perhaps because then I don't focus on the horrible moments of caring for Dad. I grieve for others, especially right now for a very close friend, but I understand this one more easily than the complex pain-love-grief-rage with Dad.
Somewhere I missed that you weren't able to be at Dan's beside when he passed. This made me cry. The loss and grief you felt and experienced (still) is beyond my comprehension. They say losing a child is worse. I didn't have children so I have nothing to compare that with. But I am married to the love of my life, and though it hasn't been long (less than five years) I've never felt the. closeness I have with my husband. When I lost both parents it devastated me. Maybe I take loss harder because I haven't been close to many people in my lifetime.
Thank you for sharing love and loss with us inside this newsletter. It's only in the sharing that we as readers on (either side) of loss begin to understand the depths, and in turn maybe comfort or be there for our fellow humans when the time comes.
Hi Patti
Having gone through this, I have more compassion for others with similar experiences. I just did not imagine all of the losses until they were upon me.
Sending you love Janice. It goes in phases doesn't it. December was hard for me but January has been better and I've been getting on with my stuff. I haven't thought about Graham as much but then, all of a sudden, I miss him again and feel melancholy. I think this is the ongoing nature of grief. Big hugs as ever 💕💕
Hi Cali, I think so. What has surprised me is that when my parents died -I missed them and got on with it. This has been a very different experience.
I've realised through my experience that the relationship you have with your spouse is different to any other relationship. I have amazing friends and family - I'm so loved and supported by everyone. But the dynamic with your other half is unique. So I suppose the grief of losing that is unique too.
Janice, I really treasure that although our paths are different, we are walking them together ❤️
I agree—the one with your spouse, particularly when it was a very close relationship, seems different. As you are finding, there are so many other losses involved. Thank you, Cali, for being there and being you.
I learn something each time I read your words here Janice. I cannot fathom the depth of grief that may be mine if my husband of 54 years dies before me. Sending my love across the oceans to you!
Hi Denyse, Thank you. It's not something a person can prepare for, I think. I had four years of caring for my husband as he struggled with dementia, but I still wasn't.
I can only imagine how much pain you must be feeling, and I know nothing I say will change that. I wouldn't dream of using those old platitudes people use when the death of someone's beloved happens. I understand the loss of a beloved as my eldest son died at age 49 on December 16th, 2011. Nothing anyone said had much impact. I wanted to grieve alone and so I did. Blessings on your journey to find some peace.
Hi Tara, I know what you mean about the platitudes; there are no words. I, too, have found that each of us grieves in our way.
I love reading your newsletter, Janice; but this one definitely made me cry for you and afraid for me. {{Hugs}}
Hi Jan, I'm thinking there is no way to prepare for this type of loss. I knew he had dementia; I knew he was failing, but he was still here. And then he wasn't - I never imagined what that might be like.
I think you are right. I remember my mom — in my dad’s last days of lung cancer — praying to save him, telling God she would love him even in his debilitated state. I admire you ladies. xoxo