Living Through Change

New Beginnings and Unexpected Challenges

On Thanksgiving, I sat at the dining room table with friends and family, having a lovely dinner at my grandson’s. The food was delicious—turkey and all the trimmings. We had a great time, andt at the same time, there was sadness. Loved ones were missing. My husband wasn’t there beside me as he had been for 60 years, and other family members were also absent. Memories of past holidays came flooding back.

The holidays used to be my favorite time of the year—not so much anymore. As a child, I remember visiting my Grandma’s house to celebrate them and playing with my cousins. When I was a young adult, everyone came to our house. Dan’s birthday was on Christmas Day, so we had double celebrations. When my grandsons were small, we lived next door—those were especially fun and busy times.

But children and grandchildren grow up, have their own lives, and move away. Family members die. Life is not the same as it was—nor could it be after 85 years of living.

Dan, my parents, and my brother died years ago. My son, a grandson, and their families moved out of state, and the joy in those celebrations isn’t the same because they aren’t here to share them.

Last year, I promised to have a better attitude about the holidays, but next year is here, and so are the same feelings.

Experts talk about the holiday blues and define them as temporary feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and other negative emotions caused by an inability to be with loved ones and memories.

They say holidays are often a mixed bag of emotions. For some, they’re the most wonderful time of the year, filled with family, friends, and reasons to celebrate. For others, it can be a time of deep sorrow, reflection, loneliness, and strife.

Others describe seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, as the condition in which people experience a significant mood change when the seasons change.

I recently talked about moving forward in my effort to age well, and I have, but that’s only half the story. The losses remain deeply felt, particularly at this time of year.

Here’s what I’m thinking. While seasonal change may play a role, my sadness is more about losses connected to life changes—and finding ways to live with the grief. I have - sort of - but there’s still work to do. This year, my plan includes the following additions.

• Honor the old and understand that even though many traditions are gone, they are valuable and important to keep in some way.

• Accept what’s true now, and look for the bits and pieces of happiness in the moment.

• Prepare for new beginnings - by moving forward and acknowledging my feelings.

I wonder what that looks like in terms of the holidays. Could it mean holding on to valued memories, involving myself in holiday activities even though I’d rather not, and allowing the sadness associated with the losses or changes to be?

With that in mind, I bought myself a small tree and decorated it using ornaments from past Christmases. I’ll celebrate Dan’s birthday this year with a new tradition. There will be family and friend festivities, and I’ll focus on things that bring happiness—the hugs, the connections, and the music. As for new beginnings, I’ll hold onto those meaningful traditions, make new ones, and honor the feelings that arise.

I’m learning that aging well is easier said than done. I can accept the fact of the losses, but I’m not as well-prepared to manage the attached emotions.

Most everyone will participate in some festivities from now until the end of the year; are you looking forward to them or not so much?

P. S. I’d love to have you share the Aging Well Newsletter with others. I want to bring the lessons I’ve learned through my years of life and caregiving to as many people as possible. More than anything, I want to continue to expand our community of readers.

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Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. Her book Aging Well: 30 Lessons for Making the Most of Your Later Years is available on Amazon, and she has written articles for Substack for four years.