Relationships Take Work!

Lots of It!

Photo by Khadeeja Yasser on Unsplash

I rarely watched the popular reality Bachelor/Bachelorette TV shows. However, last fall, participants in the first Golden Bachelor version were older adults - maybe it would be different. So, I did watch but remained doubtful.

Gerry asked Theresa to marry him, and she empathically said yes. Five weeks later, they married in a television production with all the trimmings - a bridal shower, a white wedding dress, and a lovely reception. They even had a gift register on Amazon where viewers could buy them wedding gifts.

Not to my surprise, they announced they were getting a divorce in early April. They couldn’t find a place to live - and each wanted to be near family. They still love each other but are divorcing.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but it didn’t seem like they gave their relationship and marriage enough time to bloom and grow. Perhaps it was because of the television show setting where specific scripts and expectations played a role. Maybe as older adults, they were set in their ways and less willing to change. Perhaps reality was a different picture than they imagined. I don’t know, nor is it any of my business, but questions crossed my mind.

Sixty-three years of marriage taught me that it takes time, respect, commitment, flexibility, disagreements, forgiveness, love, and negotiation, to name a few of the many ingredients necessary for relationships to blossom. A three-month marriage might not have been enough to fully allow those aspects to develop, even if the couple had known each other for a while.

Dan and I had no idea what we were signing up for and had no specific plans for the future when we married in 1958. We wanted to be together, and I was thrilled to be his wife. There were ups and downs, but it was a solid marriage that took time and experience to build. We had two children, moved from the Midwest to the West Coast, held good jobs, enjoyed each other’s company, had fun together, and retired successfully.

In retrospect, our marriage was successful because two teenagers fell in love, repeatedly chose to stay together, found common ground when they differed, and were committed to each other - we were a team.

Over the years, I’ve made many decisions and choices. Many worked well, others didn’t. In retrospect, I would make two differently.

1. We made financial and legal decisions together, but he was the one who initiated the efforts. I wasn’t interested. Dan handled the “boring” stuff and was very good at it. His interest in those issues allowed me to pursue a career in addition to our main priority - our family.
   
   However, that decision was unwise on my part - because as Dan struggled with dementia and after he died, I had to take over. I didn’t know what insurance we had, the status of our finances, or what it meant to have a power of attorney. He created passwords, autopays, and shortcuts on the computer, which I’m still sorting through.
   
   I’d tell the younger me to ask more questions, pay more attention, and get involved - don’t leave all the decision-making to others.
   

2. We did everything together - even more so in later years. So, I lost my best friend and playmate, problem solver and handyman, husband, and partner all at once. AND my self-confidence. Initially, I was uncomfortable going anywhere alone. I hadn’t taken the time to learn how to fix car problems, clogged pipes, or computer issues.
   
   I’d encourage the younger me to be more independent: have my own hobbies and interests, do things with friends, go places alone, and know how to manage practical matters.

I’m learning, managing, and growing today, but it might have been easier had I made different choices years ago.

The article Men, Women, and Dysfunctional Relating offers sage information.

P. S. Thanks so much for reading Aging Well News! If you know someone who might like this article, please forward it or share it below. 

If you want to contribute to my work, consider donating to the Alzheimer's Association. This link takes you to their website. The choice is yours.