Lovely piece. When I got married, our celebrant gave my husband and I once piece of very simple but effective advice - "bend, don't break". We try to adhere to that.
Hi Wendy, There were no manuals or workshops on relationships when we got married - I do remember a meeting with the minister prior to the wedding, but for the most part we relied on what we learned from our parents' relationships for how to be in ours.
I am so interested in your two messages to your younger self.
I hate figures with a passion and my husband loves them, so it's been a natural concomitant that I cede the business side of our life to my husband whilst I take on the rest. It works well but in the back of my mind, there is the 'what if...' scenario and so I suggested he make a comprehensive list of our financial commitments, phone numbers, email addresses of organisations we deal with, a contacts list of his work colleagues (he's a consultant three days a week) and so forth. He updates this regularly as needed. Will that be enough to help me in the worst case? Not sure.
On the second point, like you and Dan, we are each other's best friends, despite that his work has taken him overseas and interstate right through our marriage. I do almost everything with him when he's home, but I have small friendships which give me a life apart from him and which I cherish. My problem is that really, I enjoy my space and whilst they say socialising is vital to avoid dementia, I find socialising mentally exhausting. But I do have interests (my dog first and foremost, writing, reading, communicating with friends far away, embroidery, gardening, ballet, walking and year round swimming) that keep me engaged. Will that be enough in a worst case? Again, not sure.
I just feel that I have a wonderfully respectful, loving and happy marriage of 49 years, so why not enjoy every minute of it while we are given the chance? Others are not so lucky.
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Certainly you have taken many steps in the right direction. I guess the question is whether you need more or if what you have is sufficient and that you understand what you have. After Dan died, I found a note on a list about a company life insurance policy he had - that I sort of knew about. It was worth thousands of dollars which would have been lost, had I not accidentally found it.
As for the second point, I absolutely agree - enjoy and appreciate every single minute you have because you just don't know. The hardest part for me right now is the the finality of Dan's not being here. Memories are great - but they don't give hugs at night.
I see a lot of me in what you wrote. It's so easy to leave the finances to him. I know some things about them, and we have somewhat of a system for passwords and such, I know if I have to deal with everything at some point, it will be a struggle. The advice to your younger self is advice my older self should heed.
Hi Daria, It's advice I wish I would have listened to at the time. This whole building a life on my own could had have been at least somewhat easier had I done that.
Really enjoy your writing and perspective, Janice. Thanks for another great piece. It seems that couples who married around the time you did (and my parents, Aunt and Uncle) were more committed to putting the work in to make a relationship ship work. So many couples are not willing to make the sacrifices and compromises that are paramount to long relationships.
Hi Tracy, Your point is well taken. Times and priorities have changed, it seems. Ironically people bring themselves into a relationship - if they aren't happy in the current one and don't look at their role in the unhappiness, similar problems may arise in new ones.
Your number 2 describes Frank and I. We worked together, had a business together, do everything together. It has worked because we bring different skills and qualities to the relationship and we respect and appreciate them. He is 9 years older than me so I know that I might be single at some point. I imagine and plan in my head what my life might look like and we talk openly about it. Your posts are very enlightening. Thank you.
Hi Robyn, You are wise to be thinking along those lines, I wish we had done more of it. Dan had dementia, so I knew what was coming, but COVID brought the end much sooner. When he was in the memory care facility - hearing his voice, seeing him on FaceTime was enough to keep me going. I was not prepared for the impact of his death on my self-confidence. It was all on me for the first time in my life.
I have watched my sister on her own for 20 years become a strong woman with skills that only living alone brings. She is totally dedicated to serving her family, volunteers at the aged care facility and fits some supply teaching at her old school. My role model for aging well on your own if that happens to me.
I was so independent before I married almost four years ago (for the first time at 62). My husband initiates and works most of the "boring" stuff as well. I must remember to nurture the solo me—the marriage is so important—but I'm still learning to assimilate working as a team. Good reminder for me to not shy away from the broken pipes, AC issues, and washing the car.
Thank you for this lovely piece of writing about your long and happy marriage Janice, and how you've negotiated life without your life partner. As a twice divorced woman (both initiated by me) it's interesting to read how long marriages can work when both parties are totally committed to it I enjoyed reading it
Hi Patricia, Thank you. I suspect commitment played such a role for us. About a year after we were married, we were struggling, and I left for a while. My Dad found me, and basically said he would support whatever I decided, but to think about it long and hard. - that marriages had ups and downs. I went back home, Dan was there, and we each seemed to have made an unspoken to move forward together - and we did.
Over the years, I’ve made many decisions and choices. Many worked well, others didn’t. In retrospect, I would make two differently.
I hear you. Right now I'm glued to 'This is Us' - the human condition, relationships, dynamics and box of tissues and it's gloriously beautiful. xo
Lovely piece. When I got married, our celebrant gave my husband and I once piece of very simple but effective advice - "bend, don't break". We try to adhere to that.
Excellent conclusions, Janice. Thank you for being out there!
Great advice, Janice!
Great advice to your younger self and all young ones out there now.
Hi Wendy, There were no manuals or workshops on relationships when we got married - I do remember a meeting with the minister prior to the wedding, but for the most part we relied on what we learned from our parents' relationships for how to be in ours.
Same for me, I’m 71. My parents were divorced and both absent so I had no guide as what to do.
Thank you for another beautiful piece ❤️
Excellent advice!
I am so interested in your two messages to your younger self.
I hate figures with a passion and my husband loves them, so it's been a natural concomitant that I cede the business side of our life to my husband whilst I take on the rest. It works well but in the back of my mind, there is the 'what if...' scenario and so I suggested he make a comprehensive list of our financial commitments, phone numbers, email addresses of organisations we deal with, a contacts list of his work colleagues (he's a consultant three days a week) and so forth. He updates this regularly as needed. Will that be enough to help me in the worst case? Not sure.
On the second point, like you and Dan, we are each other's best friends, despite that his work has taken him overseas and interstate right through our marriage. I do almost everything with him when he's home, but I have small friendships which give me a life apart from him and which I cherish. My problem is that really, I enjoy my space and whilst they say socialising is vital to avoid dementia, I find socialising mentally exhausting. But I do have interests (my dog first and foremost, writing, reading, communicating with friends far away, embroidery, gardening, ballet, walking and year round swimming) that keep me engaged. Will that be enough in a worst case? Again, not sure.
I just feel that I have a wonderfully respectful, loving and happy marriage of 49 years, so why not enjoy every minute of it while we are given the chance? Others are not so lucky.
HI Prue,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Certainly you have taken many steps in the right direction. I guess the question is whether you need more or if what you have is sufficient and that you understand what you have. After Dan died, I found a note on a list about a company life insurance policy he had - that I sort of knew about. It was worth thousands of dollars which would have been lost, had I not accidentally found it.
As for the second point, I absolutely agree - enjoy and appreciate every single minute you have because you just don't know. The hardest part for me right now is the the finality of Dan's not being here. Memories are great - but they don't give hugs at night.
I see a lot of me in what you wrote. It's so easy to leave the finances to him. I know some things about them, and we have somewhat of a system for passwords and such, I know if I have to deal with everything at some point, it will be a struggle. The advice to your younger self is advice my older self should heed.
Hi Daria, It's advice I wish I would have listened to at the time. This whole building a life on my own could had have been at least somewhat easier had I done that.
Really enjoy your writing and perspective, Janice. Thanks for another great piece. It seems that couples who married around the time you did (and my parents, Aunt and Uncle) were more committed to putting the work in to make a relationship ship work. So many couples are not willing to make the sacrifices and compromises that are paramount to long relationships.
Hi Tracy, Your point is well taken. Times and priorities have changed, it seems. Ironically people bring themselves into a relationship - if they aren't happy in the current one and don't look at their role in the unhappiness, similar problems may arise in new ones.
Absolutely. It’s a recipe for disaster the seco d time around too.
Your number 2 describes Frank and I. We worked together, had a business together, do everything together. It has worked because we bring different skills and qualities to the relationship and we respect and appreciate them. He is 9 years older than me so I know that I might be single at some point. I imagine and plan in my head what my life might look like and we talk openly about it. Your posts are very enlightening. Thank you.
Hi Robyn, You are wise to be thinking along those lines, I wish we had done more of it. Dan had dementia, so I knew what was coming, but COVID brought the end much sooner. When he was in the memory care facility - hearing his voice, seeing him on FaceTime was enough to keep me going. I was not prepared for the impact of his death on my self-confidence. It was all on me for the first time in my life.
I love that it is called a memory care facility.
I have watched my sister on her own for 20 years become a strong woman with skills that only living alone brings. She is totally dedicated to serving her family, volunteers at the aged care facility and fits some supply teaching at her old school. My role model for aging well on your own if that happens to me.
I was so independent before I married almost four years ago (for the first time at 62). My husband initiates and works most of the "boring" stuff as well. I must remember to nurture the solo me—the marriage is so important—but I'm still learning to assimilate working as a team. Good reminder for me to not shy away from the broken pipes, AC issues, and washing the car.
Thank you for this lovely piece of writing about your long and happy marriage Janice, and how you've negotiated life without your life partner. As a twice divorced woman (both initiated by me) it's interesting to read how long marriages can work when both parties are totally committed to it I enjoyed reading it
Hi Patricia, Thank you. I suspect commitment played such a role for us. About a year after we were married, we were struggling, and I left for a while. My Dad found me, and basically said he would support whatever I decided, but to think about it long and hard. - that marriages had ups and downs. I went back home, Dan was there, and we each seemed to have made an unspoken to move forward together - and we did.