A Good Idea?
I'm happy that my parents are thriving and independent. A healthy distance I think 🤔 is best for everyone ❤️
Such a hard question. And there is certainly no one right answer. I was retired when my mother could no longer live alone. I never questioned it. She moved right in and we had a great time together for 17 years. I was lucky and didn't have to get outside help with her care until three months before her death. However, had I been still working, I could not have done it at all. I hate the very thought of the elderly being put in a "home". It goes against every idea I have about what it is to be family. But the situation is different for every one and could easily have been for me. Thanks Janice for broaching such a difficult subject.
It’s a very difficult situation. The lady I take care of in her home, had told her husband when she was diagnosed with having Alzheimer’s, dementia, and Lewy body dementia that she didn’t want to go to a nursing home and begged him to keep her at home. Hospice has been coming in, helping with services, and they have told me that The patient does better in their own home if at all possible. I have told my children I don’t want to live with them. I will come stay with them on a visit, but I don’t want to live with him. I am 76 now, and I have a one bedroom apartment for my dog and me. I will stay here as long as my health allows me to, and then I would probably go to an assisted living. It just depends on so many things. But thank you for writing this., And making me think what if for the future. Blessings.
This is a tough thing to deal with for most people. Thanks for shining a light on it.
My mom used to say that "one mother can take care of six children, but six children can't take care of one mother." I loved her but she served up a lot of guilt, especially at the end of her life. She didn't consider the circumstances of her kids and believed our needs and wants were secondary to hers. Which is so strange because her own mother was the most selfless person I ever knew.
Relationships are complex especially those with our families of origin. I write about that as a means of figuring out who my family members were when I was growing up and why we became the people we did.
We didn’t really have an option. My mother could no longer live alone. With me being retired and recently divorced I moved to a different state to move her in with me. It is not ideal. Our relationship has never been particularly good, but so far I am learning to have more patience with both of us, to refuse her judgment and to make time for myself when I can safely leave her alone. I will most likely need help at some point and we deal with that when we get there.
Such an interesting and difficult subject. I feel that it's something that can only be answered by each individual (or set of individuals) based on personalities, past histories (as some of you have already mentioned), health conditions and needs, and locations.
We went through this with my Mom after my Dad died. Our decisions were initially based on her desires, then later on her needs. It was an interesting 12 year journey.
My mother (92) is living somewhat independently but the isolation is having negative effects on her cognitive health. Instead of moving her in with one of us kids, we’re determined to keep her in her house as long as possible. I travel every other week to stay with her for a week. Fortunately, my brothers live near her and can check in and run errands for her when I’m not there. But it’s not good for her to be by herself for long periods of time. And I don’t think it’s sustainable for me to drop my life every other week.
It’s a conundrum. She does much better when I’m there. And yet, she and my father made the decision to move to a rural area. While Dad got involved in their community, my mother did not and does not have a much community support.
How does one achieve a balance?
I took care of my mother for six years. She lived in her own apartment and I lived down the street.
Prior to that we tried living together and it didn't work well at all. Between my trying to please her (childhood returned) and my mother telling me what to do (childhood returned times two) we decided it best to each have a place. It was expensive but worth it for my sanity.
When my husband and I married a couple years ago while transitioning we moved in with his mother and step-father. We're lucky we all still have a relationship after only living there a month.
I say don't do it unless absolutely necessary...