Mom Wants To Come Live With Us
A Good Idea?
Am I being mean and cold-hearted by telling my Mom she cannot move with me and my wife to our new home?
That question in a recent AgingCare newsletter brought back memories. Dan and I had moved to California, Dad had died, and Mom asked if she could live with us. I couldn’t agree to that request.
She found a lovely retirement community closer to us. We happily visited and helped her out - but her living with us would have destroyed me.
You might wonder why. I feared Mom would take over and manage my life just as she did when I was young. Don’t get me wrong, she was a lovely, caring, funny lady, but she was also controlling, and I had no defenses at the time.
As I plan for the future, my daughter and her husband have asked me to live with them - but I wouldn’t do it unless I had to. There’s an assisted living center within walking distance of their house. I would go there. She could visit whenever she wanted, but there would be space for her and them to have their own life.
Having an older parent live with you may be a current or upcoming issue for many.
I had the luxury of choices with my Mom as I have for me, but what if we didn’t? How would we decide? How would we set it up?
Four websites caught my eye, but there are many more.
The Care.com website says.
Before moving Mom or Dad in with you — temporarily or permanently — there are things to consider. We’ve consulted several senior caregiving experts to pinpoint ten things to consider before moving an older parent and caring for them in your home.
The New Perspective website suggests.
As parents age, it’s natural to consider having them move in so you can better support them. While this arrangement can have many benefits, it is essential to carefully consider if living with elderly parents is the right move for you, them, and the rest of your family before making the decision.
A Place for Mom asks.
If a loved one can no longer live independently, one option is moving your elderly parents into your home. But how do you know if this arrangement is right for you and your family? Take some time to reflect on several essential questions.
The Senior Navigator notes.
Moving an elderly parent or relative is not suitable for everyone. It may be cheaper than putting the person in a nursing home (which costs about $80,000 per year on average) or an assisted living facility (about $43,000 per year on average), but you could pay a heavy price in terms of time, stress, fatigue, and strained relations.
As a frame of reference, when Dan was in memory care- three years ago, I was paying $14,000 a month, but he required additional care.
Each person, each family, has to decide what is best in your situation. Experience taught me two things.
Carefully examining the pros and cons can make the decision more straightforward. We have to ensure that the requests the facility agrees to are honored.
Listening to ourselves is crucial.
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I'm happy that my parents are thriving and independent. A healthy distance I think 🤔 is best for everyone ❤️
Such a hard question. And there is certainly no one right answer. I was retired when my mother could no longer live alone. I never questioned it. She moved right in and we had a great time together for 17 years. I was lucky and didn't have to get outside help with her care until three months before her death. However, had I been still working, I could not have done it at all. I hate the very thought of the elderly being put in a "home". It goes against every idea I have about what it is to be family. But the situation is different for every one and could easily have been for me. Thanks Janice for broaching such a difficult subject.