The Toughest Decision I've Ever Made

A Personal Journey

Photo by Harry Dona on Unsplash

In June 2020, I sat at a picnic table in a local park with my daughter and a friend whose father had Alzheimer’s Disease and was living in a six-bed care home run by a retired nurse. We were four months into the pandemic. Dan was becoming more hostile and challenging to manage as his dementia increased. I’d reached the end of what I could do - maybe a home like that was the solution.

I tried in-home care four times, but he refused to allow a stranger in the house. I talked with that nurse, who agreed to take him as a resident. We could visit and talk to him anytime, and I would be involved in his care. Dan would never have agreed to such an arrangement; he thought he was fine.

So, I visited the home, made the arrangements without his knowledge, told him we were visiting a friend, and left. They asked him to go 24 hours later. He was belligerent and disruptive and ran away. They couldn’t handle him.

We then decided to stay at my daughters’ home - an arrangement that lasted two weeks. He was verbally abusive and combative and threatened to commit suicide.

I located a memory care facility about 15 miles from home. My son, daughter, and I took him to the facility under the guise of getting a new apartment, but when we arrived, the staff took over, and we left.

Dan was not involved in making the arrangements because he would have resisted with every fiber of his being and lacked the awareness to make decisions. To confirm the diagnosis, we had a Zoom call with the doctor. He thought he was talking to a friend; that’s where we were. So, we made the best decisions we could on his behalf.

I expected to be relieved once he was there, but that wasn’t the case - not even close. I was still responsible and cared about him and his well-being, and now we lived separately for the first time in 62 years.

Many websites and books offer tips and suggestions regarding such decisions. Here are a few things to consider as you begin the journey:

Signs a loved one may need a nursing home or memory care facility

• an inability to care for themselves

• falling or running away

• not safe alone

• experiencing chronic health conditions requiring constant monitoring

• can't remember or refuse to take their medication

• neglect daily chores

When Making the Decision

1. consider their needs

2. do plenty of research

3. take a tour of the facility and make several visits

4. ask lots of questions, and don’t fully believe the answers you get

5. meet the staff and people who live there

6. rely on your sense of things

7. anticipate future problems and needs

If I were in that position now, I would do things differently. However, no best solution exists—each option has pluses and minuses. It was and remains the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

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