When making the decision about a loved one's care - there is no best solution—each option has pluses and minuses. It was and remains the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
Thank you for sharing your personal and difficult story. I’ve had only the tip of that iceberg in my family, nothing like you have experienced. Wishing you the best.
It's such a tragic situation and no one comes out the winner, do they. I think you were very brave.
This week I heard an amazing story - the right to die legislation has been enshrined in law in my state in Australia, and I heard that a highly regarded man, on hearing his diagnosis when he could understand such things, signed the legal directive for end of life.
His family cared for him until it was impossible, he then went into care and it became critical which was when his legally signed papers kicked in, by his personal cognitive choice those couple of years previous. He died last week. Brave on his part, perhaps even braver on the part of his family, but his wishes entirely. It's food for thought...
Janice, I had to make that decision for my father, and it was heart-wrenching. Making it for your husband must have been excruciating. During the pandemic no less had to have made it even more challenging. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your journey. My husband spent a week in the hospital recently and it was exhausting. Can't imagine what you went through. You did what had to be done - so brave!
Hi Cathey, I guess whatever we need comes to us when we need it, because at the time I was sure I couldn't do what had to be done - if that makes any sense.
Janice, I had to put my dad in a nursing home in 1995. It was an awful decision to make and I still have times when I wish that had not been my choice. I was an only parent, my daughter was 6, her dad had passed away 3 years before. We lived in Los Angeles and my dad lived alone in a small town in New Hampshire on the Massachusetts border. I could not move back to New England at that time, living on very little income and I could move my dad to L.A.
My heart goes out to you, I know how hard this choice is.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and the list of resources. It just sucks having to make a decision like that, especially with the pandemic. It's one thing to say, as we do, I did the best I could at the time--and you did--but it's another thing to believe that. And there's so much grief in losing a partner to brain disease. I am sorry your journey was so heart-wrenching.
Bless you for writing about it, and for trusting all of us to hold your story with appreciation and kindness. My husband died of brain cancer, but at least he was himself to the end, so in some ways I feel fortunate. Be kind to yourself!
My mother went thru this with her husband who has since passed. He became violent so she couldn’t care for him anymore. It was probably the hardest decision she had to make. She felt terrible about leaving him in the home.
I was extremely lucky that my mother and I made the decision together. It didn't make it any easier. And I had to go back to work 2,000 miles away. I worried more then I ever had. And sadly it turned out my worries were in fact founded. No matter what, how, or why we must do what's best for the person it never makes it easier. How I justify is that I did my best and that was all I could do at the time.
Another fine article, Janice. I immediately sent it off to my friend --a friend who just can't bring herself to make this long-overdue decision. She is on the point of risking her own sanity. She is 2000 miles away, or would just jump in and take the reins from her tired hands.
Hi Sharron, I can certainly understand your friend's hesitation - it's truly heart-wrenching to be in a position of deciding about someone else's life. It's been four years - and still it weighs on me.
By the way, I was in your neighborhood the 4th of July, had brunch at Aldo's and walked the beach. It was gorgeous.
My father passed in a nursing home in in 2023. My mother (who is 92 and never lived alone) is experiencing cognitive decline (her short-term memory is shot). It’s so hard to accept her decline. I resist it with every fiber of my being.
A heart-wrenching decision with no right answer. I hope you take comfort that you did the very best at the time. From the outside it seems like you, and your family, tried absolutely everything. Likely things would have been a little easier without the pandemic, maybe Dan would have transitioned better, but that wasn't in your control.
Thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable post Janice.
Hi Donna, So true - I/we did our best at the time. And the pandemic made everything more difficult in so many ways - we could have moved more slowly, been more informed, and transitioned him more slowly. Thank you for reading it.
There's one thing I wish were possible and easy....tell Dan the truth. You never know when sanity pops up and dealing with mirages, especially for males (maybe?) just makes an angry clash of wills and valor. One of the saddest things I saw with my friends was how they felt when they were lied to.
Hi Nancy, I so agree - being able to talk in terms of the truth and making plans together would have been so helpful. Dan did have moments of clarity and knew something was wrong but within five minutes he would forget or deny we ever had the conversation.
When making the decision about a loved one's care - there is no best solution—each option has pluses and minuses. It was and remains the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
A very hard decision on your part. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for sharing your personal and difficult story. I’ve had only the tip of that iceberg in my family, nothing like you have experienced. Wishing you the best.
Wooou, soooo beautiful!!!!
It's such a tragic situation and no one comes out the winner, do they. I think you were very brave.
This week I heard an amazing story - the right to die legislation has been enshrined in law in my state in Australia, and I heard that a highly regarded man, on hearing his diagnosis when he could understand such things, signed the legal directive for end of life.
His family cared for him until it was impossible, he then went into care and it became critical which was when his legally signed papers kicked in, by his personal cognitive choice those couple of years previous. He died last week. Brave on his part, perhaps even braver on the part of his family, but his wishes entirely. It's food for thought...
Hi Prue, No, no winners. We have the right to die legislation is available in some states here - I am all for it.
Janice, I had to make that decision for my father, and it was heart-wrenching. Making it for your husband must have been excruciating. During the pandemic no less had to have made it even more challenging. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Paulette, It is that - heart-wrenching. The pandemic certain added additional challenges -nes I hadn't even considered.
Thank you for sharing your journey. My husband spent a week in the hospital recently and it was exhausting. Can't imagine what you went through. You did what had to be done - so brave!
Hi Cathey, I guess whatever we need comes to us when we need it, because at the time I was sure I couldn't do what had to be done - if that makes any sense.
Janice, I had to put my dad in a nursing home in 1995. It was an awful decision to make and I still have times when I wish that had not been my choice. I was an only parent, my daughter was 6, her dad had passed away 3 years before. We lived in Los Angeles and my dad lived alone in a small town in New Hampshire on the Massachusetts border. I could not move back to New England at that time, living on very little income and I could move my dad to L.A.
My heart goes out to you, I know how hard this choice is.
Hi Pamela, I know how that is - wishing that I had not been in that position. Intellectually, it was right, but my heart questions.
I know, my heart questions too. Sending you a hug Janice!
Thank you for sharing your experience, and the list of resources. It just sucks having to make a decision like that, especially with the pandemic. It's one thing to say, as we do, I did the best I could at the time--and you did--but it's another thing to believe that. And there's so much grief in losing a partner to brain disease. I am sorry your journey was so heart-wrenching.
Hi Susan, How very true.
Bless you for writing about it, and for trusting all of us to hold your story with appreciation and kindness. My husband died of brain cancer, but at least he was himself to the end, so in some ways I feel fortunate. Be kind to yourself!
My mother went thru this with her husband who has since passed. He became violent so she couldn’t care for him anymore. It was probably the hardest decision she had to make. She felt terrible about leaving him in the home.
Hi, I know that feeling. . . . I so wanted to find a different option.
You have so much strength. Thank you for sharing this.
Hi McKenzie, Thank you! At the time, I sure didn't feel strong, it took everything I had to get from one day to the next.
I was extremely lucky that my mother and I made the decision together. It didn't make it any easier. And I had to go back to work 2,000 miles away. I worried more then I ever had. And sadly it turned out my worries were in fact founded. No matter what, how, or why we must do what's best for the person it never makes it easier. How I justify is that I did my best and that was all I could do at the time.
Hi Patti, You make a very good point - making the decision together doesn't make it any easier.
Another fine article, Janice. I immediately sent it off to my friend --a friend who just can't bring herself to make this long-overdue decision. She is on the point of risking her own sanity. She is 2000 miles away, or would just jump in and take the reins from her tired hands.
Hi Sharron, I can certainly understand your friend's hesitation - it's truly heart-wrenching to be in a position of deciding about someone else's life. It's been four years - and still it weighs on me.
By the way, I was in your neighborhood the 4th of July, had brunch at Aldo's and walked the beach. It was gorgeous.
My father passed in a nursing home in in 2023. My mother (who is 92 and never lived alone) is experiencing cognitive decline (her short-term memory is shot). It’s so hard to accept her decline. I resist it with every fiber of my being.
Hi Teri, True, it is a nightmare to watch and accept the decline of a loved one. My heart goes to everyone having to go through it.
A heart-wrenching decision with no right answer. I hope you take comfort that you did the very best at the time. From the outside it seems like you, and your family, tried absolutely everything. Likely things would have been a little easier without the pandemic, maybe Dan would have transitioned better, but that wasn't in your control.
Thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable post Janice.
Hi Donna, So true - I/we did our best at the time. And the pandemic made everything more difficult in so many ways - we could have moved more slowly, been more informed, and transitioned him more slowly. Thank you for reading it.
There's one thing I wish were possible and easy....tell Dan the truth. You never know when sanity pops up and dealing with mirages, especially for males (maybe?) just makes an angry clash of wills and valor. One of the saddest things I saw with my friends was how they felt when they were lied to.
Hi Nancy, I so agree - being able to talk in terms of the truth and making plans together would have been so helpful. Dan did have moments of clarity and knew something was wrong but within five minutes he would forget or deny we ever had the conversation.
And that's when the person had it figured out correctly. They need reality as much as other people with full reasoning capacity.