Not Everyone is a Natural Caregiver

That Would Be Me!

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

I sure wasn’t. We’d moved to California, so we weren’t involved in caring for our parents. The first time I faced those issues was after my husband’s dementia surfaced - a need that seemingly arose overnight.

However, that shouldn’t have been the case. Dan’s father and his sister died from complications of Alzheimer’s Disease, but we weren’t there and didn’t have a clear picture of the symptoms.

Our goal was to age well. So, we were active, kept busy, and ate relatively healthy. We had full-time jobs after retirement and went places. We were so busy living that we didn’t prepare for possible what-ifs.

In retrospect, his dementia may have begun years earlier. At the time, I thought it was his personality or him taking shortcuts. However, he might have been adjusting to his memory loss.

Be that as it may, I was unprepared for the role, and it was not one I wanted.

Figuring out if this was something I could do and having a plan in place would have helped.

Questions we can ask as we decide to be a caregiver include:

• Do we have a physical or mental health issue?

• Can we handle a full-time care situation?

• Would we be okay with prepping meals, going to appointments, and eventually offering hygiene assistance for our loved ones - in addition to maintaining a career and other life responsibilities?

• Will we have help from siblings or grown children who can relieve as needed?

• Are we easily flustered or frustrated? How much patience do we have when life can be very aggravating?

• Can we cover the financial cost of caring for another person?

I could cover the cost of caring for him and had help, but the stress and worry involved were less manageable.

Caregiving can be difficult.

1. It can cause stress and burnout. We can be so focused on our loved ones that our health and well-being suffer.

2. It can impact our relationships. When we become family caregivers, the assistance our loved ones need may not be demanding at first, but that may change over time. As the care needs change, so will the time commitment and additional help required.

3. It can be difficult to watch a loved one’s health deteriorate. Seeing someone who used to be healthy, strong, and full of life now in poor health can be challenging. For many family caregivers, the thought of losing a loved one can be more stressful than their day-to-day caregiving responsibilities.

4. Caregiving does end. When we spend so many hours each day for so many years caring for someone, there can be sadness and feelings of vacancy in our lives when it comes to an end - along with relief.

There are things – both before and after caregiving ends – that we can do to more easily transition into becoming a caregiver and coming out on the other side with a stronger sense of ourselves. Here are ideas AARP recommends:

Start planning now: Our caregiving obligations will not go on indefinitely. Try to look ahead and plan for a post-caregiving life sooner rather than later.

Embrace how we’ve changed: Consider how the caregiving experience has changed us — perhaps we are more compassionate and hopeful, more knowing and capable.

Use our new skills: Through managing pillboxes, deciphering insurance statements, and communicating with aides, physicians, and difficult relatives, caregivers learn skills that are frequently overlooked, including organization, technical know-how, and negotiation skills.

It’s been seven years since my caregiving began and three years ago since it ended - I would say I’m still recovering. Knowing what I do now, I could have managed longer - maybe.

In retrospect, I would choose to be my husband’s caregiver with a solid plan, more knowledge, awareness, and help. In other words, I would prepare better.

You might find this AARP article about loneliness and older adults interesting.

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If you want to contribute to my work, consider donating to the Alzheimer's Association. This link takes you to their website. The choice is yours.