At this age and after losing the love of my life six years ago, finding joy remains somewhat of a challenge. I’d like to say I have; yet, there are days when it couldn’t be less true.
My husband and I shared our lives since we were 12, we were a team, we grew up together. When he passed, the life we had was gone and for the most part I had no idea for what to do next - unlike when the children left home and my plan was to become a psychologist.
Many long held habits are proving difficult to release - they’re ingrained in me. Building a new routine is often easier said than done.
Life has irrevocably changed. I’ve changed, the world has changed, and he isn’t here to share those changes with me.
Below, I share what I’m finding and my experience at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.
Experts say we can stop being victims by taking responsibility, practicing self-care, saying no, and educating ourselves.
What I’m Finding:
Practically speaking, I’m doing it - with my own apartment, writing the newsletter, and living my life - albeit a quieter one.
The emotional wear and tear involved remain another story.
Experts say living with loss and living fully is about moving forward with grief rather than "moving on" or seeking closure. It’s a conscious choice to honor our pain while remaining open to joy, connection, and purpose.
What I’m Finding:
Neither concept works for me nor does the idea of letting go of the past. Moving on can be seen as leaving someone or something behind. Moving forward can be viewed as putting the past behind us. Letting go can be thought of as loosening the love or connection.
I don’t want to leave his memory behind or lose our connection.
Experts say living with loss while living fully means allowing grief and joy to coexist.
What I’m Finding:
I can live with the losses, and experience moments of happiness, but, something is missing.
I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time. Pure joy is playing with my great-granddaughters, and there is sadness that my husband isn’t here to share the experience and they will never know him.
This transition is something each of us will figure out for ourselves as our lives change - and they will.
So, a question to consider is “What can help me remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?”
Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.
I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over my years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. More than anything, I want to continue to expand our community of readers.
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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.
What have you found that can help you remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?
"I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time". I had that too, just after my first husband died 14 years ago. Walking in the woods one day, blue sky, crisp winter air, I felt a stab of joy and sheer happiness. How could that be when I knew I was going home to an empty house? And yet it was. Weird.