Continuing After Life Changes
Acknowledging What We've Lost While Making Room for the Life We Have
At this age and after losing the love of my life six years ago, finding joy remains somewhat of a challenge. I’d like to say I have; yet, there are days when it couldn’t be less true.
My husband and I shared our lives since we were 12, we were a team, we grew up together. When he passed, the life we had was gone and for the most part I had no idea for what to do next - unlike when the children left home and my plan was to become a psychologist.
Many long held habits are proving difficult to release - they’re ingrained in me. Building a new routine is often easier said than done.
Life has irrevocably changed. I’ve changed, the world has changed, and he isn’t here to share those changes with me.
Below, I share what I’m finding and my experience at 87 years old compared to the general advice experts give.
Experts say we can stop being victims by taking responsibility, practicing self-care, saying no, and educating ourselves.
What I’m Finding:
Practically speaking, I’m doing it - with my own apartment, writing the newsletter, and living my life - albeit a quieter one.
The emotional wear and tear involved remain another story.
Experts say living with loss and living fully is about moving forward with grief rather than "moving on" or seeking closure. It’s a conscious choice to honor our pain while remaining open to joy, connection, and purpose.
What I’m Finding:
Neither concept works for me nor does the idea of letting go of the past. Moving on can be seen as leaving someone or something behind. Moving forward can be viewed as putting the past behind us. Letting go can be thought of as loosening the love or connection.
I don’t want to leave his memory behind or lose our connection.
Experts say living with loss while living fully means allowing grief and joy to coexist.
What I’m Finding:
I can live with the losses, and experience moments of happiness, but, something is missing.
I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time. Pure joy is playing with my great-granddaughters, and there is sadness that my husband isn’t here to share the experience and they will never know him.
This transition is something each of us will figure out for ourselves as our lives change - and they will.
So, a question to consider is “What can help me remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?”
Thank you for being part of the Aging Well community.
I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over my years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible. More than anything, I want to continue to expand our community of readers.
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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, widow, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and writer. She has written articles for Substack for the past five years and recently published a book, The Insider’s Guide to Aging Well Through the Eyes of an 87-year-old.
What have you found that can help you remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?
Thank you for sharing. I am currently releasing my memoir where my spirit leads me and it is a very complicated story with lots of losses and trauma. One of the things that I find about my story is psychologist or counselors or people who read a lot of books and study Can try and create a narrative of how I feel or how I should respond. In the end, the only thing that got me through this was my spirit. I never had a counselor. I never had a psychologist and now today when I speak to them, they seem to think the outcome could’ve been much different, which proves them wrong. Don’t ever let someone that reads a lot of books and studies create the narrative for you. Life is an experience. We are all unique human beings that handle things different. You have to feel it to know it. You have to understand it to know it and you obviously know it thank you for sharing. It’s really important that we all see the reality of loss and not what someone read in the book of how it should be. https://wheremyspiritleadsme.substack.com/