Thank you for sharing. I am currently releasing my memoir where my spirit leads me and it is a very complicated story with lots of losses and trauma. One of the things that I find about my story is psychologist or counselors or people who read a lot of books and study Can try and create a narrative of how I feel or how I should respond. In the end, the only thing that got me through this was my spirit. I never had a counselor. I never had a psychologist and now today when I speak to them, they seem to think the outcome could’ve been much different, which proves them wrong. Don’t ever let someone that reads a lot of books and studies create the narrative for you. Life is an experience. We are all unique human beings that handle things different. You have to feel it to know it. You have to understand it to know it and you obviously know it thank you for sharing. It’s really important that we all see the reality of loss and not what someone read in the book of how it should be. https://wheremyspiritleadsme.substack.com/
Janice, I talk with my 92-year-old friend, Dr. Lecithman, five days a week — we're working remotely on his autobiography together — and I already feel the beginning of the loss that's coming, even though he's still here. I know he can't go on forever. Some days I catch myself almost grieving in advance, which feels strange to admit.
What gets me through this is something he talks about — rejoicing in the rich memories of the times we have spent together. This is real and permanent for me. In addition, there is another experience that might sound unusual to some. I have seen beyond the veil with a few folks. I've had a few clear experiences with people I've lost, where I felt them connect with me afterward- a really powerful knowingness and closeness that didn't end. I don't fully understand why it happens with me. But it's made the fear of losing Dr Leichtman a little smaller, knowing that whatever our connection is, it doesn't seem to stop at death.
I have worked through so my of these same thoughts, Janice. I appreciate your utter honesty about all things. I continue to write about my mom, even though she died nine years ago. I’ve learned that when someone we love leaves us, love doesn’t end — loves goes on forever, just carefully swaddled in grief. I’ll always have an aching space inside me where both love and grief abide, but I’ve made a place for it, given it a comfortable home. I am not sure, but I believe that once we accommodate grief and surrender to it, we can continue our lives.
"I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time". I had that too, just after my first husband died 14 years ago. Walking in the woods one day, blue sky, crisp winter air, I felt a stab of joy and sheer happiness. How could that be when I knew I was going home to an empty house? And yet it was. Weird.
Thank you for your article “Life Changes”. You understand more than anyone I know. It helps to hear from you….. you are almost like a lifelong friend sitting by your side. Keep writing…..😊
I too lost my husband of 32 years 6 years ago. Everything you mention as your experience is precisely how I feel. Thank you for helping me to feel normal when sometimes others think I should have ‘moved on’. I do have a new partner. At age 80, this is a bigger challenge than I expected. I spend my time feeding my hunger for knowledge about artistic expression and writing. I authored two books on design, but now that ficus is on elegies and several children’s books. So my life is full, but the sadness of loss is permeates every day. I have contacted a psychotherapist for some help.
My heart hurts as I read your post, Janice. Although my Donald and I were gifted with 37 years of connection that feels like a drop in the bucket compared to you and your Dan. However, loss is loss and grief is grief and each of us will walk through it in our own way and in our own time. Part of my story involves the exploration of mediumship (Suzanne Giesemann) and the result is that in this “year seven” after Don’s passing, I speak out loud to him every day. I continue to have those moments of sobbing and wishing he was still here in that physical presence. However, I also have moments and sensations of him being very close by and holding my hand. My engagement with life is very much attached to my involvement in 12-step recovery programs where I have this beautiful network of support and encouragement. At the same time, my morning practice, which I think I have shared with you before,typically results in a tone of gratitude, just for today. Stay well and know that your outreach is touching the hearts and souls of many of us and in return I, for one, send you back, loving energy as you walk through this next day.💕
Thanks for this post. It will be 11 yrs since my husband died. I have taught myself to not be defined as a sad widow. For me, it’s friendships that kept me through all these years and travel. Travel alone or perhaps meeting a friend in the country I am going to. Some people can’t even go to a restaurant alone! Being alone teaches you to be comfortable in your own skin. And how to be brave!
I did have a relationship for 7 yrs with a man, but the comfort of “having” someone is not greater than being in control of what you do. He got too clingy and it was not what I wanted. I ended it. I met somebody right after that who is more like me, in that he too is used to living his own life. So whatever happens with him is all good, but I’m still making my own plans with friends, travel and family.
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my 92-year old father who lost the love of his life 18 months ago after 65 years of marriage. I dont know how to bring joy back into his life...I now see that it is not really possible and I canrt make it better. I just need to be present for him.
Hi Jan- This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your observations and experience. My dad has dementia and we're all learning how to move forward together. I know my mom is struggling - sad, afraid, worried, anxious, seeing the man he was change - slip away. I and my two brothers are here for support - but it's like we're all missing him already. I plan to share your newsletter with my parents and brothers. We can all learn together. My dear parents have been married for over 60 years.
What have you found that can help you remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?
Thank you for sharing. I am currently releasing my memoir where my spirit leads me and it is a very complicated story with lots of losses and trauma. One of the things that I find about my story is psychologist or counselors or people who read a lot of books and study Can try and create a narrative of how I feel or how I should respond. In the end, the only thing that got me through this was my spirit. I never had a counselor. I never had a psychologist and now today when I speak to them, they seem to think the outcome could’ve been much different, which proves them wrong. Don’t ever let someone that reads a lot of books and studies create the narrative for you. Life is an experience. We are all unique human beings that handle things different. You have to feel it to know it. You have to understand it to know it and you obviously know it thank you for sharing. It’s really important that we all see the reality of loss and not what someone read in the book of how it should be. https://wheremyspiritleadsme.substack.com/
Janice, I talk with my 92-year-old friend, Dr. Lecithman, five days a week — we're working remotely on his autobiography together — and I already feel the beginning of the loss that's coming, even though he's still here. I know he can't go on forever. Some days I catch myself almost grieving in advance, which feels strange to admit.
What gets me through this is something he talks about — rejoicing in the rich memories of the times we have spent together. This is real and permanent for me. In addition, there is another experience that might sound unusual to some. I have seen beyond the veil with a few folks. I've had a few clear experiences with people I've lost, where I felt them connect with me afterward- a really powerful knowingness and closeness that didn't end. I don't fully understand why it happens with me. But it's made the fear of losing Dr Leichtman a little smaller, knowing that whatever our connection is, it doesn't seem to stop at death.
I have worked through so my of these same thoughts, Janice. I appreciate your utter honesty about all things. I continue to write about my mom, even though she died nine years ago. I’ve learned that when someone we love leaves us, love doesn’t end — loves goes on forever, just carefully swaddled in grief. I’ll always have an aching space inside me where both love and grief abide, but I’ve made a place for it, given it a comfortable home. I am not sure, but I believe that once we accommodate grief and surrender to it, we can continue our lives.
"I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time". I had that too, just after my first husband died 14 years ago. Walking in the woods one day, blue sky, crisp winter air, I felt a stab of joy and sheer happiness. How could that be when I knew I was going home to an empty house? And yet it was. Weird.
Thank you for your article “Life Changes”. You understand more than anyone I know. It helps to hear from you….. you are almost like a lifelong friend sitting by your side. Keep writing…..😊
I too lost my husband of 32 years 6 years ago. Everything you mention as your experience is precisely how I feel. Thank you for helping me to feel normal when sometimes others think I should have ‘moved on’. I do have a new partner. At age 80, this is a bigger challenge than I expected. I spend my time feeding my hunger for knowledge about artistic expression and writing. I authored two books on design, but now that ficus is on elegies and several children’s books. So my life is full, but the sadness of loss is permeates every day. I have contacted a psychotherapist for some help.
My heart hurts as I read your post, Janice. Although my Donald and I were gifted with 37 years of connection that feels like a drop in the bucket compared to you and your Dan. However, loss is loss and grief is grief and each of us will walk through it in our own way and in our own time. Part of my story involves the exploration of mediumship (Suzanne Giesemann) and the result is that in this “year seven” after Don’s passing, I speak out loud to him every day. I continue to have those moments of sobbing and wishing he was still here in that physical presence. However, I also have moments and sensations of him being very close by and holding my hand. My engagement with life is very much attached to my involvement in 12-step recovery programs where I have this beautiful network of support and encouragement. At the same time, my morning practice, which I think I have shared with you before,typically results in a tone of gratitude, just for today. Stay well and know that your outreach is touching the hearts and souls of many of us and in return I, for one, send you back, loving energy as you walk through this next day.💕
Thanks for this post. It will be 11 yrs since my husband died. I have taught myself to not be defined as a sad widow. For me, it’s friendships that kept me through all these years and travel. Travel alone or perhaps meeting a friend in the country I am going to. Some people can’t even go to a restaurant alone! Being alone teaches you to be comfortable in your own skin. And how to be brave!
I did have a relationship for 7 yrs with a man, but the comfort of “having” someone is not greater than being in control of what you do. He got too clingy and it was not what I wanted. I ended it. I met somebody right after that who is more like me, in that he too is used to living his own life. So whatever happens with him is all good, but I’m still making my own plans with friends, travel and family.
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my 92-year old father who lost the love of his life 18 months ago after 65 years of marriage. I dont know how to bring joy back into his life...I now see that it is not really possible and I canrt make it better. I just need to be present for him.
Hi Jan- This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your observations and experience. My dad has dementia and we're all learning how to move forward together. I know my mom is struggling - sad, afraid, worried, anxious, seeing the man he was change - slip away. I and my two brothers are here for support - but it's like we're all missing him already. I plan to share your newsletter with my parents and brothers. We can all learn together. My dear parents have been married for over 60 years.