"I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time". I had that too, just after my first husband died 14 years ago. Walking in the woods one day, blue sky, crisp winter air, I felt a stab of joy and sheer happiness. How could that be when I knew I was going home to an empty house? And yet it was. Weird.
It is wonderful that you, and many other women on this site, were married to their dear husbands for so many years of companionable life. You folks are rare. Blessings
As a retired nurse I was a caregiver my entire life, married 50 years to a man I loved deeply. Cared for him the last 2 years of his life. Every time he walked through the door a smile would come over my face and deep in my heart. He died in his sleep, a blessing for him and in a way for me. My life is full now too, close friends and family , volunteering, exercising and trying to stay heat 80. I like my alone time and if I feel lonely I reach out. Learning to ask for help has been the most challenging. Staying busy is the easiest, allowing myself to just be without guilt is getting easier.
It certainly does change every aspect of our lives‼️
I’m doing all the things John used to do as well as my own so I’m doing the jobs of two people!
I get very tired and by late afternoon I collapse into my recliner with a cup of coffee and Jaz my Dog, switch on the tv and find an interesting Series.
Thank you for sharing. I am currently releasing my memoir where my spirit leads me and it is a very complicated story with lots of losses and trauma. One of the things that I find about my story is psychologist or counselors or people who read a lot of books and study Can try and create a narrative of how I feel or how I should respond. In the end, the only thing that got me through this was my spirit. I never had a counselor. I never had a psychologist and now today when I speak to them, they seem to think the outcome could’ve been much different, which proves them wrong. Don’t ever let someone that reads a lot of books and studies create the narrative for you. Life is an experience. We are all unique human beings that handle things different. You have to feel it to know it. You have to understand it to know it and you obviously know it thank you for sharing. It’s really important that we all see the reality of loss and not what someone read in the book of how it should be. https://wheremyspiritleadsme.substack.com/
Hi, That's one of the reasons I started writing the newsletter, what I read just did not match my experience. At the end of the day, only we know what's best for us.
Janice, I talk with my 92-year-old friend, Dr. Lecithman, five days a week — we're working remotely on his autobiography together — and I already feel the beginning of the loss that's coming, even though he's still here. I know he can't go on forever. Some days I catch myself almost grieving in advance, which feels strange to admit.
What gets me through this is something he talks about — rejoicing in the rich memories of the times we have spent together. This is real and permanent for me. In addition, there is another experience that might sound unusual to some. I have seen beyond the veil with a few folks. I've had a few clear experiences with people I've lost, where I felt them connect with me afterward- a really powerful knowingness and closeness that didn't end. I don't fully understand why it happens with me. But it's made the fear of losing Dr Leichtman a little smaller, knowing that whatever our connection is, it doesn't seem to stop at death.
I also have had experiences connecting with loved ones after their passing. My most recent were with my husband who died three years ago. Before he died I had asked him to send me a sign to let me know he was ok on “ the other side” and he clearly did. It has been a great comfort.
I have worked through so my of these same thoughts, Janice. I appreciate your utter honesty about all things. I continue to write about my mom, even though she died nine years ago. I’ve learned that when someone we love leaves us, love doesn’t end — loves goes on forever, just carefully swaddled in grief. I’ll always have an aching space inside me where both love and grief abide, but I’ve made a place for it, given it a comfortable home. I am not sure, but I believe that once we accommodate grief and surrender to it, we can continue our lives.
I too lost my husband of 32 years 6 years ago. Everything you mention as your experience is precisely how I feel. Thank you for helping me to feel normal when sometimes others think I should have ‘moved on’. I do have a new partner. At age 80, this is a bigger challenge than I expected. I spend my time feeding my hunger for knowledge about artistic expression and writing. I authored two books on design, but now that ficus is on elegies and several children’s books. So my life is full, but the sadness of loss is permeates every day. I have contacted a psychotherapist for some help.
It certainly is for me. Just the other day I was out walking and as I walked by a neighbor’s house whose wife had pancreatic cancer, out walked two people carrying a body bag. Of course I knew immediately what had happened. My empathy for her husband was emphasized by what felt like PTSD, remembering my own moments when my husband died. I felt shaken to my core even knowing immediately that when my husband passed he transformed and was no longer in that body. Because of their transformation, we too are transformed.
Thanks for this post. It will be 11 yrs since my husband died. I have taught myself to not be defined as a sad widow. For me, it’s friendships that kept me through all these years and travel. Travel alone or perhaps meeting a friend in the country I am going to. Some people can’t even go to a restaurant alone! Being alone teaches you to be comfortable in your own skin. And how to be brave!
I did have a relationship for 7 yrs with a man, but the comfort of “having” someone is not greater than being in control of what you do. He got too clingy and it was not what I wanted. I ended it. I met somebody right after that who is more like me, in that he too is used to living his own life. So whatever happens with him is all good, but I’m still making my own plans with friends, travel and family.
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my 92-year old father who lost the love of his life 18 months ago after 65 years of marriage. I dont know how to bring joy back into his life...I now see that it is not really possible and I canrt make it better. I just need to be present for him.
Hi Pat, My daughter has done everything imaginable to bring joy into my life - and she has to a degree. However, as you say, she really can't fix that particular ache in my heart.
I think being present for him will definitely do something. If possible, take him outdoors, sit in a park or an outdoor Café where he can observe people or for a walk.
Engage him with a simple card game, maybe? I hope he has grandkids that would be available to visit and engage with him.
You have expressed exactly how I feel about my life since my husband died two years ago. We were married 63 years and so much of what I do and think and even eat is what I learned with him at my side. He was more even keeled than me and I miss his Clear and objective way of looking at things. I also find myself regretting times when I was short tempered or didn’t really understand what he was going through as he declined with Parkinson’s. He wouldn’t take any medication for it; there really isn’t much to offer for Parkinson’s and instead he tried to ignore it. He finally gave up and asked to go on hospice and died 8 days later. Now I am having trouble remembering the funny even wacky person he was. I walk alone now; oh I have friends and my kids are great but I am alone. The other half who longs to know who she really is apart from him?
Hi Linda, that was something I didn't understand for a long time - "I have friends and my kids are great but I am alone." This loneliness is very different, one that comes when two people know each other deeply.
Janice, thank you so much for writing this substack and sharing your observations on aging well. Your thoughts are of great comfort to me. I hope you’ll continue to record them here.
Next month is the third thanoversary of my wife’s death. David Kessler’s Tender Hearts program was very helpful during my first two years alone. During the past three years I have found many way to cope, but one I’ll share today is journaling. I write a note to my wife nearly every day. I no longer have much faith that she hears/reads my words, but getting them down brings a surrogate sort of comfort. Take care.
Thank you for your article “Life Changes”. You understand more than anyone I know. It helps to hear from you….. you are almost like a lifelong friend sitting by your side. Keep writing…..😊
What have you found that can help you remain engaged with life, even though there are losses?
"I find myself being joyful and sad at the same time". I had that too, just after my first husband died 14 years ago. Walking in the woods one day, blue sky, crisp winter air, I felt a stab of joy and sheer happiness. How could that be when I knew I was going home to an empty house? And yet it was. Weird.
Janice,
It is wonderful that you, and many other women on this site, were married to their dear husbands for so many years of companionable life. You folks are rare. Blessings
Janice, I’d say what could help is if you would reach out to others that could use your help or company. It will make you happier.
As a retired nurse I was a caregiver my entire life, married 50 years to a man I loved deeply. Cared for him the last 2 years of his life. Every time he walked through the door a smile would come over my face and deep in my heart. He died in his sleep, a blessing for him and in a way for me. My life is full now too, close friends and family , volunteering, exercising and trying to stay heat 80. I like my alone time and if I feel lonely I reach out. Learning to ask for help has been the most challenging. Staying busy is the easiest, allowing myself to just be without guilt is getting easier.
Hi Susan, You sound as if you have a very sound plan in place. Learning to ask for help has been a major challenge for me as well.
These comments have helped me immensely to understand my traumatic grieving in the first year of my Husband Johnny’s sudden death.
It’s comforting knowing others have experienced the grief of losing our beloved partners after so many years of sharing life together.
Thank you for sharing your stories ❤️
Hi Manga, the loss of our beloved partners after being together for so many years changes everything, doesn't it?
It certainly does change every aspect of our lives‼️
I’m doing all the things John used to do as well as my own so I’m doing the jobs of two people!
I get very tired and by late afternoon I collapse into my recliner with a cup of coffee and Jaz my Dog, switch on the tv and find an interesting Series.
Life feels good‼️
Oops I hadn’t finished my messsge!
My Faith in God was my Strength when I didn’t have any and He has gradually become my Rock.
However, the grief is always there in the background, bearable now.
I’ll always miss my Funny, tender, protective, exasperating Johnny.
My Man.
…..
It certainly does
Every aspect of my life has changed - at weekends we sometimes took short road trips, had lunch in a cafe or took a picnic lunch with us.
Our Doggie Jaz always came along for the ride.
Sitting together,
John watching You Tube, me reading a book, Jaz sleeping beside John.
When I was unwell John was always there for me. He was my Rock and the Rock for my Children.
We are a Christian Family and my Faith in God
My health has deteriorated since Johnny Died.
I’ve been in and out if hospital over the past 2 and a half years!
Thank you for sharing. 💐🙏🏻
Thank you for sharing. I am currently releasing my memoir where my spirit leads me and it is a very complicated story with lots of losses and trauma. One of the things that I find about my story is psychologist or counselors or people who read a lot of books and study Can try and create a narrative of how I feel or how I should respond. In the end, the only thing that got me through this was my spirit. I never had a counselor. I never had a psychologist and now today when I speak to them, they seem to think the outcome could’ve been much different, which proves them wrong. Don’t ever let someone that reads a lot of books and studies create the narrative for you. Life is an experience. We are all unique human beings that handle things different. You have to feel it to know it. You have to understand it to know it and you obviously know it thank you for sharing. It’s really important that we all see the reality of loss and not what someone read in the book of how it should be. https://wheremyspiritleadsme.substack.com/
Hi, That's one of the reasons I started writing the newsletter, what I read just did not match my experience. At the end of the day, only we know what's best for us.
Janice, I talk with my 92-year-old friend, Dr. Lecithman, five days a week — we're working remotely on his autobiography together — and I already feel the beginning of the loss that's coming, even though he's still here. I know he can't go on forever. Some days I catch myself almost grieving in advance, which feels strange to admit.
What gets me through this is something he talks about — rejoicing in the rich memories of the times we have spent together. This is real and permanent for me. In addition, there is another experience that might sound unusual to some. I have seen beyond the veil with a few folks. I've had a few clear experiences with people I've lost, where I felt them connect with me afterward- a really powerful knowingness and closeness that didn't end. I don't fully understand why it happens with me. But it's made the fear of losing Dr Leichtman a little smaller, knowing that whatever our connection is, it doesn't seem to stop at death.
I also have had experiences connecting with loved ones after their passing. My most recent were with my husband who died three years ago. Before he died I had asked him to send me a sign to let me know he was ok on “ the other side” and he clearly did. It has been a great comfort.
Hi James, I can relate to what you are saying about the connecting afterward. A similar experienced happened to me after my Dad died.
I have worked through so my of these same thoughts, Janice. I appreciate your utter honesty about all things. I continue to write about my mom, even though she died nine years ago. I’ve learned that when someone we love leaves us, love doesn’t end — loves goes on forever, just carefully swaddled in grief. I’ll always have an aching space inside me where both love and grief abide, but I’ve made a place for it, given it a comfortable home. I am not sure, but I believe that once we accommodate grief and surrender to it, we can continue our lives.
Hi Sharron, I think that's what it is - the love doesn't end and an acknowledgement that it can coexist with grief allows us to live with both.
I too lost my husband of 32 years 6 years ago. Everything you mention as your experience is precisely how I feel. Thank you for helping me to feel normal when sometimes others think I should have ‘moved on’. I do have a new partner. At age 80, this is a bigger challenge than I expected. I spend my time feeding my hunger for knowledge about artistic expression and writing. I authored two books on design, but now that ficus is on elegies and several children’s books. So my life is full, but the sadness of loss is permeates every day. I have contacted a psychotherapist for some help.
Hi Vanessa, I'm beginning to think that sadness connected to loss may be a new aspect of living.
It certainly is for me. Just the other day I was out walking and as I walked by a neighbor’s house whose wife had pancreatic cancer, out walked two people carrying a body bag. Of course I knew immediately what had happened. My empathy for her husband was emphasized by what felt like PTSD, remembering my own moments when my husband died. I felt shaken to my core even knowing immediately that when my husband passed he transformed and was no longer in that body. Because of their transformation, we too are transformed.
Thanks for this post. It will be 11 yrs since my husband died. I have taught myself to not be defined as a sad widow. For me, it’s friendships that kept me through all these years and travel. Travel alone or perhaps meeting a friend in the country I am going to. Some people can’t even go to a restaurant alone! Being alone teaches you to be comfortable in your own skin. And how to be brave!
I did have a relationship for 7 yrs with a man, but the comfort of “having” someone is not greater than being in control of what you do. He got too clingy and it was not what I wanted. I ended it. I met somebody right after that who is more like me, in that he too is used to living his own life. So whatever happens with him is all good, but I’m still making my own plans with friends, travel and family.
Hi Julie, That sounds lovely- finding somebody who wants to live his life as you do.
Thank you for this. It helps me understand my 92-year old father who lost the love of his life 18 months ago after 65 years of marriage. I dont know how to bring joy back into his life...I now see that it is not really possible and I canrt make it better. I just need to be present for him.
Hi Pat, My daughter has done everything imaginable to bring joy into my life - and she has to a degree. However, as you say, she really can't fix that particular ache in my heart.
I think being present for him will definitely do something. If possible, take him outdoors, sit in a park or an outdoor Café where he can observe people or for a walk.
Engage him with a simple card game, maybe? I hope he has grandkids that would be available to visit and engage with him.
Courage and hope to be able to make a difference.
You have expressed exactly how I feel about my life since my husband died two years ago. We were married 63 years and so much of what I do and think and even eat is what I learned with him at my side. He was more even keeled than me and I miss his Clear and objective way of looking at things. I also find myself regretting times when I was short tempered or didn’t really understand what he was going through as he declined with Parkinson’s. He wouldn’t take any medication for it; there really isn’t much to offer for Parkinson’s and instead he tried to ignore it. He finally gave up and asked to go on hospice and died 8 days later. Now I am having trouble remembering the funny even wacky person he was. I walk alone now; oh I have friends and my kids are great but I am alone. The other half who longs to know who she really is apart from him?
Hi Linda, that was something I didn't understand for a long time - "I have friends and my kids are great but I am alone." This loneliness is very different, one that comes when two people know each other deeply.
Janice, thank you so much for writing this substack and sharing your observations on aging well. Your thoughts are of great comfort to me. I hope you’ll continue to record them here.
Next month is the third thanoversary of my wife’s death. David Kessler’s Tender Hearts program was very helpful during my first two years alone. During the past three years I have found many way to cope, but one I’ll share today is journaling. I write a note to my wife nearly every day. I no longer have much faith that she hears/reads my words, but getting them down brings a surrogate sort of comfort. Take care.
Hi Richard, That type of journaling is very special and a lovely way to keep the connection alive.
Thank you for your article “Life Changes”. You understand more than anyone I know. It helps to hear from you….. you are almost like a lifelong friend sitting by your side. Keep writing…..😊
Hi, that would be my goal - being a lifelong friend - even if virtually - as we go through the hard times.