Doing Too Much
When Dan was still home, I insisted that he get dressed every morning, that we do a jigsaw puzzle every afternoon, and that he help with chores around the house as much as possible. He complained, but it gave his life meaning and challenged him.
The staff didn’t do that when he was in the memory care facility. Every time I visited, I saw a decline. He had skills, but they asked nothing of him. He had no purpose any longer - nothing to look forward to. I wanted them to challenge him more, but maybe that wasn’t their job.
Last October, we discussed carers’ roles: care partners, caretakers, and caregivers. Now, I want to say more about caregiving and caretaking. I was unaware of the distinction made on the Simply Psychology website and wanted to share it.
Caregiving refers to providing physical, emotional, or practical support to another based on genuine love, selflessness, and respect. The goal is to support the person’s ability to make decisions and maintain their dignity while helping them overcome challenges, achieve independence, and experience an improved quality of life.
Caretaking refers to taking responsibility for another person's physical, emotional, or practical needs. While it may appear as caregiving, the underlying motivations, goals, and expectations differ significantly. The primary motivation behind helping and supporting others is to receive appreciation and feel a sense of purpose.
So, it’s about taking on the right amount of responsibility - an issue for caregivers of all ages - it means safely allowing the “patient” to be as responsible as they can for themselves - for as long as possible. That was my goal with Dan and what I had hoped the memory care facility would do.
Being overly responsible can be:
Doing something for someone so it creates less mess or takes less time.
Talking to a medical provider on behalf of someone capable of communicating and telling the truth.
Steering someone away from experiences that may fail.
Assuming someone’s wishes without asking or making someone’s decisions for them when they can do it themselves.
Lecturing family members about how to eat healthier, make better choices, date certain people, etc.
Advising someone who hasn’t asked for any.
This might not seem so bad, but it can create issues for everyone involved.
As you interact with others, you can break the cycle by:
Observing your behavior
Determining how you’d like to behave
Willingly sit with the discomfort of letting others be responsible for themselves - as long as they are safe and do no harm.
I’m glad that I was more of a caregiver than a caretaker.
A resource that you may find helpful is Care Mentor. Victoria Chin currently cares for her Mum and advocates for carers.
P.S. Thanks for reading Aging Well News! If you know someone who might like this article, please forward it or share it below.
If you want to contribute to my work, consider donating to the Alzheimer's Association. This link takes you to their website. The choice is yours.
I found a different definition for caregivers and caretakers, that got me thinking.. I wanted to share them with you.
I believe that unfortunately you wil not find caregiving in any outside care residential facility. When you look at the companies seeking employees many of the ads require no previous experience necessary. They want bodies that can do the minimal of caretaking and get by with it. There are many facilities around the South Bay where the ratio is 12 patients to one caretaker. How can anything be done for a patient with those odds. To those of us who are paid caregivers it is insulting. They have not a clue of how to interact with those in need of assistance. When you are a caregiver you are hired to interact with the patient to provide their best life possible. That is a very important challenge you are signing up for and more work than many positions require from employees in other work situations.