I believe that unfortunately you wil not find caregiving in any outside care residential facility. When you look at the companies seeking employees many of the ads require no previous experience necessary. They want bodies that can do the minimal of caretaking and get by with it. There are many facilities around the South Bay where the ratio is 12 patients to one caretaker. How can anything be done for a patient with those odds. To those of us who are paid caregivers it is insulting. They have not a clue of how to interact with those in need of assistance. When you are a caregiver you are hired to interact with the patient to provide their best life possible. That is a very important challenge you are signing up for and more work than many positions require from employees in other work situations.
I wish I’d known that at the time. Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I thought that since the cost was so high, the memory care facility would do more and they said they would. I was wrong.
This post really made me reflect, Janice. Now, looking back, I can see I was a total caretaker. Even when I hired a woman to come stay with mom for two nights in our home, so I could get some sleep, I still woke up and had to check on everything during the night. Bonkers. Wish I had found you six years ago.
I am a Home Health Care provider with 20 yr career in a Nursing Home and this is such great points. In my days in the NH others would tell me I give to much and care too much..it's the only way I know..love that you take this knowledge and help others..
You weren’t wrong. How could you be wrong after so much loving thought and effort to find a place that sold you a bill of goods. It is done everyday. They are the ones who are at fault. This was your husband, and lifetime partner. You could not have worked any harder or tried more. You picked the very best place for your husband after all your research. The problem is with them. It is a business and the total line is the only thing that matters. Even those who come to your home most times are only there to do their job to get paid. People need love, attention, human contact, to continue on. All of the things you were able to provide for so many difficult years. There is not enough money to ever to repay a person who is a caregiver. I have found that it can’t be done. Once you have been a caregiver you can’t down shift to a caretaker. I swear every time a new person comes with needs I can help with, this time I am only doing what a caretaker does. I don’t want to hurt anymore when the job gets very difficult. I don’t want to lose my soul again. Feel all that pain. But if you are a giver you can’t be a taker. I don’t know why I continue to come across those in need, but it must be part of a big plan. Each person gives me so many gifts to keep in my back pocket. How could I ever live life without them.
Hi Susan, You described it well - I thought I was handing him over to caregivers, but for the most part they were caretakers - overwhelmed ones at that given it was during the pandemic. That's what bothers me the most. I told them what I was looking for during our meetings - to keep a relationship with Dan so that he would know we were there for him, wanting him to be safe, knowing how he was doing, and talking to him on a regular basis - and they agreed but didn't follow through - for the most part. One nurse was really sweet with him - maybe she was an actual caregiver - and an administrator was very responsive to me, but no changes occurred only promises. I did everything I could to get our needs met - but made little progress. He got COVID while at the memory care facility and died there.
You've raised an important distinction here, Janice. In a very straightforward, simple way, you're offering a paradigm & mindset shift about caring.
Many people and family members struggle to reconcile personal motivations with the needs of their loved ones receiving care. I've heard conflicts have arisen because family members are not only conflicted in who is care-giving versus taking but also who is telling vs. doing, or as I like to say, 'care-splaining' to the caregivers. You're sharing clear insights with gentle grace, giving readers a way to broker a discussion, that may've been an attitudinal impasse before.
Thank you for mentioning me and for sharing the link to Carer Mentor.
Hi VIctoria, Thank you. My theory is that people often caretake rather than caregive for personal reasons. Hopefully, the article will open the door for discussion, as you say.
This is so interesting. The distinction between care 'giving' and care 'taking' is right there in the words themselves: one gives and one takes. The caretaking traits (as opposed to the caregiving ones) remind me of codependent relationships. They benefit the caretaker more than the person they are taking care of. Rather than allowing that person to make their own choices, the caretaker intervenes to make life more tolerable for themselves. But, it's not sustainable in the long term.
You did more than your very best. No one knows how hard “in sickness and in health”really is. You can’t even begin to imagine at that point in life.
You are remarkable. Life has so many challenges. This may sound like just another pat on the back, but it isn’t. It is so heart wrenching when you are faced with such a large move. I can only guess how tired and worried you were.
I found a different definition for caregivers and caretakers, that got me thinking.. I wanted to share them with you.
I believe that unfortunately you wil not find caregiving in any outside care residential facility. When you look at the companies seeking employees many of the ads require no previous experience necessary. They want bodies that can do the minimal of caretaking and get by with it. There are many facilities around the South Bay where the ratio is 12 patients to one caretaker. How can anything be done for a patient with those odds. To those of us who are paid caregivers it is insulting. They have not a clue of how to interact with those in need of assistance. When you are a caregiver you are hired to interact with the patient to provide their best life possible. That is a very important challenge you are signing up for and more work than many positions require from employees in other work situations.
I wish I’d known that at the time. Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I thought that since the cost was so high, the memory care facility would do more and they said they would. I was wrong.
This post really made me reflect, Janice. Now, looking back, I can see I was a total caretaker. Even when I hired a woman to come stay with mom for two nights in our home, so I could get some sleep, I still woke up and had to check on everything during the night. Bonkers. Wish I had found you six years ago.
I'd be rich if I said this every time I read one of Janice's newsletters. I was a total caretaker.
I wish that I had known six years ago, too.
I am a Home Health Care provider with 20 yr career in a Nursing Home and this is such great points. In my days in the NH others would tell me I give to much and care too much..it's the only way I know..love that you take this knowledge and help others..
Janice,
You weren’t wrong. How could you be wrong after so much loving thought and effort to find a place that sold you a bill of goods. It is done everyday. They are the ones who are at fault. This was your husband, and lifetime partner. You could not have worked any harder or tried more. You picked the very best place for your husband after all your research. The problem is with them. It is a business and the total line is the only thing that matters. Even those who come to your home most times are only there to do their job to get paid. People need love, attention, human contact, to continue on. All of the things you were able to provide for so many difficult years. There is not enough money to ever to repay a person who is a caregiver. I have found that it can’t be done. Once you have been a caregiver you can’t down shift to a caretaker. I swear every time a new person comes with needs I can help with, this time I am only doing what a caretaker does. I don’t want to hurt anymore when the job gets very difficult. I don’t want to lose my soul again. Feel all that pain. But if you are a giver you can’t be a taker. I don’t know why I continue to come across those in need, but it must be part of a big plan. Each person gives me so many gifts to keep in my back pocket. How could I ever live life without them.
Hi Susan, You described it well - I thought I was handing him over to caregivers, but for the most part they were caretakers - overwhelmed ones at that given it was during the pandemic. That's what bothers me the most. I told them what I was looking for during our meetings - to keep a relationship with Dan so that he would know we were there for him, wanting him to be safe, knowing how he was doing, and talking to him on a regular basis - and they agreed but didn't follow through - for the most part. One nurse was really sweet with him - maybe she was an actual caregiver - and an administrator was very responsive to me, but no changes occurred only promises. I did everything I could to get our needs met - but made little progress. He got COVID while at the memory care facility and died there.
You've raised an important distinction here, Janice. In a very straightforward, simple way, you're offering a paradigm & mindset shift about caring.
Many people and family members struggle to reconcile personal motivations with the needs of their loved ones receiving care. I've heard conflicts have arisen because family members are not only conflicted in who is care-giving versus taking but also who is telling vs. doing, or as I like to say, 'care-splaining' to the caregivers. You're sharing clear insights with gentle grace, giving readers a way to broker a discussion, that may've been an attitudinal impasse before.
Thank you for mentioning me and for sharing the link to Carer Mentor.
Hi VIctoria, Thank you. My theory is that people often caretake rather than caregive for personal reasons. Hopefully, the article will open the door for discussion, as you say.
Another wonderful read! Thank you!
This is so interesting. The distinction between care 'giving' and care 'taking' is right there in the words themselves: one gives and one takes. The caretaking traits (as opposed to the caregiving ones) remind me of codependent relationships. They benefit the caretaker more than the person they are taking care of. Rather than allowing that person to make their own choices, the caretaker intervenes to make life more tolerable for themselves. But, it's not sustainable in the long term.
You did more than your very best. No one knows how hard “in sickness and in health”really is. You can’t even begin to imagine at that point in life.
You are remarkable. Life has so many challenges. This may sound like just another pat on the back, but it isn’t. It is so heart wrenching when you are faced with such a large move. I can only guess how tired and worried you were.