Redefining Independence

What It Might Look As We Age

Photo by Ishan @seefromthesky on Unsplash

I was determined to be independent. I did not want our family to go through what we’d been through as my husband struggled with dementia and died of COVID ever again.

I’ve given it my best effort. Yet, I’m finding that in truth, no man - or woman in my case - is an island as John Donne, the poet, suggests.

For some reason, it’s okay to pay for outside services like a house cleaner and a financial planner, but it’s not okay to ask family members for help, which I’m having to do more often - even though they repeatedly say and show they’re willing to do so.

Maybe we shouldn’t be asking the question “How can I do this?” but rather asking, “What kind of support preserves my self-respect and allows me to feel good about myself during this stage in my life?”

Experts say that as older adults, we face significant challenges to maintaining independence, primarily because of declining physical mobility, chronic health conditions, and cognitive impairment.

• What I’m finding:

  • My physical mobility is pretty good. I walked five miles with ease last week at the Getty Museum in Los Angeles, which included several flights of stairs.

  • There are no chronic health conditions, and I take no prescription medications.

  • My cognitive functioning is solid. I’m a lifelong learner, and writing weekly articles for this newsletter helps keep me sharp.

Experts say key issues as we age include managing daily tasks, navigating unsafe home environments, financial constraints, social isolation, and loss of transportation.

• What I’m finding:

  • I fix three meals every day - some better than others - keep the house clean with the help of a once-a-month house cleaner, have no financial concerns, and get together regularly with friends and family.

  • I no longer drive, but can still walk to most services -or there is always DoorDash and Amazon. My daughter offered to be my taxi, and I can take an Uber if needed.

Even so, I’m not as independent or as self-sufficient as I’d like, and that may worsen in the coming years.

Self-sufficiency is the notion that we can or should meet all our needs independently, without relying on others. It’s probably a false premise because human survival depends on community, shared resources, and specialization, which make complete independence impossible and can cause burnout.

A better word might be autonomy, which is defined as the internal capacity to make choices aligned with our values and desires, which, in turn, allows us to maintain dignity and receive support.

Perhaps, an even better term is interdependence - a deliberate decision to embrace mutual reliance, balancing individual autonomy with collaboration to create greater value than working alone. It involves recognizing the impact of our actions on others, fostering trust, and moving beyond isolated self-reliance to creating shared, sustainable success.

So, maybe our independence isn’t really lost as life changes—maybe it just evolves. The question isn’t whether we remain as independent as we were, but whether we can redefine it in a way that preserves our inherent sense of worth.

This way of thinking involves allowing others to help, making adjustments, and carefully choosing where to invest our energy. It doesn’t diminish who we are, but it does reflect a different form of independence.

Please let your friends and family know about the newsletter. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned over the years of life and caregiving with as many people as possible, and, more than anything, I want to continue expanding our community of readers.

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Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles.