Maybe our independence isn’t really lost as life changes—maybe it just evolves. The question may not be whether we remain as independent as we were, but whether we can redefine it in a way that preserves our inherent sense of worth.
You are living a good life; and, you are truly blessed to be without any major health concerns. As a highly educated person , you know how rare that is. But, yes, let us redefine the term “ independence “.
Thank you for suggesting “interdependence” as the term I needed. Since age 80, 7 years ago, I’ve have my own home on my son’s rural property and since I wisely donated my car a few years ago it’s been hard to claim that I am still independent. Walmart delivers, my son repairs and adjusts whatever, and my daughter-in-law has health skills she offers as needed, though I’m enjoying good health as long as my knees continue to cooperate. She and my son make great neighbors, yet I try to give them plenty of room and not be intrusive. Gardening is good exercise and keeps me busy… but “independent” no longer applies.
Hi Karen, and that is the truth of the matter - independent as we knew it no longer exists. Similarly, I live in an apartment about a mile and a half from my daughter. While she and her husband definitely give me my space, and I am very aware of giving them theirs, she is here every day. brings food, he fixes the computer issues, and does my taxes. The best I have to offer right now is interdependence and being as healthy as I can be, so as not to burden them any more than absolutely necessary.
From independence to autonomy to interdependence. You nailed it Janice. My mantra at this stage of my life is "surrender", not in an "I-give-up" way, but in a "let that go and find what else might work" way.We cannot postpone the inevitable. Right? You are so smart, Janice. I wish I had your brains.
Hi Sharron, Thank you - and I wish I had your sense of humor and your versatility in so many areas as you do - I enjoy reading about Raymond, the bus rides, Bartle Clunes, and everything else in between, from travels to science fiction.
Well, then, we are members of the Mutual Admiration Society. There is another Substacker you might like, Mike Bryskier. He writes "Aging Against My Will." A very funny guy. His column has been called the Mad Magazine for old folks. This is one example
I'm intrigued by this sense of grappling with inherent dignity and worth. At 46 in a full and busy household, but one in which my young kids are now old, I'm experiencing a shift in who I am and what I do. Like, I'm asking, who am I? What is it that I'm even doing? Perhaps we don't ever arrive, perhaps we're always asking this question through every season of life but the constraints are different in each one? I'm here to learn, thank you for sharing your experiences!
Hi Julee, I think you're right, we are always shifting and adjusting. I think the difference, for me, is that I had a plan prior to the shift. When my kids left home, I went back to school. When we retired, my husband and I moved to Washington State to be close to my brother. When they didn't work out, we planned and moved back to California, where the family was. With my husband's death, there was no plan, and I am still figuring it out.
"I'm experiencing a shift in who I am and what I do." Just to add one more little piece - when your children no longer "need" you and you no longer have your parents to care for, it gets even harder, Julee. Indeed, when my career was over and then when no one needed me, I flailed around feeling absolutely redundant and invisible for months, wondering , "Now who am I?" I figured it out. You will , too. 🙄
With my youngest being 15 I find myself working through a pre-grief of sorts, like I’m trying to make sure I have everything lined up to shield from that future day you’re talking about. You’re right, when it’s time I’ll figure it out, it’s what we do.
Ah, Julee. As they say, “The best laid plans….” It makes us feel prepared, sort of like us Californians with our earthquake supplies. Hah! Mother nature rules.
My mantra these days is “modify gracefully” (and it’s a chapter title in my book, so I’m practicing what I preach 😏).
I’m not sure “independence” is a helpful concept at this stage. I love the idea of interdependence (“convivencia,” here in Spain), and it’s important to me to be the boss of my life….and good bosses delegate and hire as needed!
Thank you, Janice. This was a lovely article and very thought-provoking. I am at the beginning of old age as I just turned 80 luckily I can still drive which I do as much as possible but it’s good to have a reminder to plan ahead for those days when driving will no longer be a possibility. Thank you. Have a nice weekend.
Hi Judith, I want to highlight your point about when driving is no longer a possibility, because, as much as I knew it was the right thing to do, and I really didn't feel comfortable driving any longer, I was not prepared for the emotional impact involved. It felt like the first step of losing my independence.
We are all interdependent at every stage of live and I appreciate the real importance of autonomy as we age. But what I really wanted to comment on was your bio line. "Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles. I feel that mentor/teacher should be added to this impressive bio. I often reflect the impact on not only my career and how I approach it but also on all those others who have benefited from working with you and the thousands of clients they have helped. Even now you continue to share your experience and wisdom. I am forever grateful
Thank you so much for your very kind words. As it turns out, the newsletter has been a lifesaver for me. After my husband died and the caregiving stint, it was a way of allowing me to heal. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined its growth, and I'm honored to hear that my words can make a difference.
When interdependent in aging, our values need to shift around our sense of self-worth. Defining the activities whether new or old in our interdependent aging, is important to do. Daily small accomplishments, simple pleasures offer satisfaction and joy - the exciting beginning of our final phase. It is as satisfying and precious as youth for we are wiser.
Another thoughtful article- thank you. We are navigating this with my parents and they really struggle with having to depend on anyone else. They resist outside care but don’t want us to be “burdened” and it really doesn’t work that way. It takes a lot of listening and conversation. I hope we are supporting them well.
Hi Kirsten, Being that older parent, I understand the struggle. Your point about listening and conversation is so important. My daughter and I talk about it all the time. We have an agreement to give each other space, and the rule of thumb is that I do everything I can first on a given issue, and when I have no more ideas, they will come forward.
As change, evolves us, or we evolve with change, our independence reacts and becomes a different kind of interdependence in each of us follows our own path and has our own journey, which is unique, exciting, and challenging. I love what you’ve talked about.
Hi Jill, It seems like it's both: change may force us to evolve, or at least offer the opportunity, and we may choose to evolve, given our current circumstances or not. What do you think?
Maybe our independence isn’t really lost as life changes—maybe it just evolves. The question may not be whether we remain as independent as we were, but whether we can redefine it in a way that preserves our inherent sense of worth.
You are living a good life; and, you are truly blessed to be without any major health concerns. As a highly educated person , you know how rare that is. But, yes, let us redefine the term “ independence “.
Interdependence. Something I need to learn more about. Thank you Janice for naming this.
Thank you for suggesting “interdependence” as the term I needed. Since age 80, 7 years ago, I’ve have my own home on my son’s rural property and since I wisely donated my car a few years ago it’s been hard to claim that I am still independent. Walmart delivers, my son repairs and adjusts whatever, and my daughter-in-law has health skills she offers as needed, though I’m enjoying good health as long as my knees continue to cooperate. She and my son make great neighbors, yet I try to give them plenty of room and not be intrusive. Gardening is good exercise and keeps me busy… but “independent” no longer applies.
Hi Karen, and that is the truth of the matter - independent as we knew it no longer exists. Similarly, I live in an apartment about a mile and a half from my daughter. While she and her husband definitely give me my space, and I am very aware of giving them theirs, she is here every day. brings food, he fixes the computer issues, and does my taxes. The best I have to offer right now is interdependence and being as healthy as I can be, so as not to burden them any more than absolutely necessary.
Exactly, Janice… we are on the same path, for sure!
From independence to autonomy to interdependence. You nailed it Janice. My mantra at this stage of my life is "surrender", not in an "I-give-up" way, but in a "let that go and find what else might work" way.We cannot postpone the inevitable. Right? You are so smart, Janice. I wish I had your brains.
Hi Sharron, Thank you - and I wish I had your sense of humor and your versatility in so many areas as you do - I enjoy reading about Raymond, the bus rides, Bartle Clunes, and everything else in between, from travels to science fiction.
Well, then, we are members of the Mutual Admiration Society. There is another Substacker you might like, Mike Bryskier. He writes "Aging Against My Will." A very funny guy. His column has been called the Mad Magazine for old folks. This is one example
https://mikebryskier.substack.com/p/medicare-the-leakage-interview?
Hi Sharron, Yep, I guess so. Thanks for the link, I had to subscribe, it was/is delightful.
He’s a very funny man. Thanks for checking him out.
I'm intrigued by this sense of grappling with inherent dignity and worth. At 46 in a full and busy household, but one in which my young kids are now old, I'm experiencing a shift in who I am and what I do. Like, I'm asking, who am I? What is it that I'm even doing? Perhaps we don't ever arrive, perhaps we're always asking this question through every season of life but the constraints are different in each one? I'm here to learn, thank you for sharing your experiences!
Hi Julee, I think you're right, we are always shifting and adjusting. I think the difference, for me, is that I had a plan prior to the shift. When my kids left home, I went back to school. When we retired, my husband and I moved to Washington State to be close to my brother. When they didn't work out, we planned and moved back to California, where the family was. With my husband's death, there was no plan, and I am still figuring it out.
"I'm experiencing a shift in who I am and what I do." Just to add one more little piece - when your children no longer "need" you and you no longer have your parents to care for, it gets even harder, Julee. Indeed, when my career was over and then when no one needed me, I flailed around feeling absolutely redundant and invisible for months, wondering , "Now who am I?" I figured it out. You will , too. 🙄
With my youngest being 15 I find myself working through a pre-grief of sorts, like I’m trying to make sure I have everything lined up to shield from that future day you’re talking about. You’re right, when it’s time I’ll figure it out, it’s what we do.
Ah, Julee. As they say, “The best laid plans….” It makes us feel prepared, sort of like us Californians with our earthquake supplies. Hah! Mother nature rules.
My mantra these days is “modify gracefully” (and it’s a chapter title in my book, so I’m practicing what I preach 😏).
I’m not sure “independence” is a helpful concept at this stage. I love the idea of interdependence (“convivencia,” here in Spain), and it’s important to me to be the boss of my life….and good bosses delegate and hire as needed!
Hi Erika, I agree with your point that independence isn't a helpful concept at this stage, and I love the idea of being my own boss and delegating.
😊👍🏼
Thank you, Janice. This was a lovely article and very thought-provoking. I am at the beginning of old age as I just turned 80 luckily I can still drive which I do as much as possible but it’s good to have a reminder to plan ahead for those days when driving will no longer be a possibility. Thank you. Have a nice weekend.
Hi Judith, I want to highlight your point about when driving is no longer a possibility, because, as much as I knew it was the right thing to do, and I really didn't feel comfortable driving any longer, I was not prepared for the emotional impact involved. It felt like the first step of losing my independence.
I love that term 'interdependence'. Community is human-scale living.
Hi Robyn, That it is! We're actually practicing it all the time without naming it as such.
We are all interdependent at every stage of live and I appreciate the real importance of autonomy as we age. But what I really wanted to comment on was your bio line. "Dr. Janice Walton is a psychologist, a widow, a mother, a grandmother, a great-grandmother, and a writer. She’s been writing a newsletter on Substack for five years and is currently publishing a book based on the articles. I feel that mentor/teacher should be added to this impressive bio. I often reflect the impact on not only my career and how I approach it but also on all those others who have benefited from working with you and the thousands of clients they have helped. Even now you continue to share your experience and wisdom. I am forever grateful
Hi Steve,
Thank you so much for your very kind words. As it turns out, the newsletter has been a lifesaver for me. After my husband died and the caregiving stint, it was a way of allowing me to heal. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined its growth, and I'm honored to hear that my words can make a difference.
When interdependent in aging, our values need to shift around our sense of self-worth. Defining the activities whether new or old in our interdependent aging, is important to do. Daily small accomplishments, simple pleasures offer satisfaction and joy - the exciting beginning of our final phase. It is as satisfying and precious as youth for we are wiser.
Hi Elizabeth, - that is exactly it, I think - our values need to shift to support our self-worth - interdependence can be the key.
Another thoughtful article- thank you. We are navigating this with my parents and they really struggle with having to depend on anyone else. They resist outside care but don’t want us to be “burdened” and it really doesn’t work that way. It takes a lot of listening and conversation. I hope we are supporting them well.
Hi Kirsten, Being that older parent, I understand the struggle. Your point about listening and conversation is so important. My daughter and I talk about it all the time. We have an agreement to give each other space, and the rule of thumb is that I do everything I can first on a given issue, and when I have no more ideas, they will come forward.
As change, evolves us, or we evolve with change, our independence reacts and becomes a different kind of interdependence in each of us follows our own path and has our own journey, which is unique, exciting, and challenging. I love what you’ve talked about.
Hi Jill, It seems like it's both: change may force us to evolve, or at least offer the opportunity, and we may choose to evolve, given our current circumstances or not. What do you think?
Absolutely!