The Words I Use . . .

#108 Friends or Foes?

I’m “out of the office” from Jan. 31st to Feb.10th. My daughter, grandson, his wife, and - yes - my great-granddaughter are going on a cruise to the Mexican Rivera. I’ve scheduled articles for publication but may not be available for comments and emails during that time.

Photo by Rachel Powell on Unsplash

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There is an old saying that says

SPOILER ALERT: As the song goes,“it ain’t necessarily so.” Long after cuts and bruises heal physically, wounds and scars from words - especially my words - linger and harm.

In the article, Self Critic or Self Coach, I explained that

Self-talk has two faces. One face is the “critic.” This negative self-talk is more likely to emerge when someone makes a mistake or works on something challenging. The second face is “the coach.” This positive self-talk occurs when a person succeeds.

Conversations with yourself can be a powerful stepping stone or a significant obstacle to reaching your goals.

Those conversations refer to peoples’ inner voice - a voice that many are unaware of but it’s there. Mine goes non-stop. It combines conscious thoughts with built-in beliefs and biases that create an ongoing internal monologue.

Self-talk significantly impacts how I feel and what I do. It can be supportive and beneficial - motivating me, or negative - undermining my confidence.

After writing last week’s article, Feeling Blue, I thought about the connection between self-talk and sadness. What caught my intention was that I talked about feeling blue and not accepting reality.

Those words said to readers and me that I was a) having trouble accepting change and that b) I was feeling sad. Was that a supportive, inspiring message? I think not!

Shad Helmstetter is the author of numerous books about self-talk. He explains significant points in the following Youtube video. I’m not recommending or suggesting that you participate in any of his programs - instead, I hope that what he says explains the whys and hows of this vital topic.

My take-home point was that what I hear myself say to others and think to myself impacts me more than I realized. Here’s an example.

I originally wrote two sentences for this article, “I’ve been in a rut of negative talk for several weeks. Everything is a struggle - I can’t or don’t know how, that was dumb, you forgot - again, and what’s wrong with you.”

After thinking about it, I rewrote the sentence, “For weeks, my thoughts and words had been unhealthy and unproductive.”

The second sentence lightened my mood, and I felt encouraged. The difference was that I wasn’t saying I was sad or criticizing myself. I had moved on because of the words I chose.

With that in mind, I took a little quiz - using the following definitions to grade myself on how often I used common negative thinking and self-talk. The definitions included:

• Filtering - You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all the positive ones.
  I accomplish a dozen tasks but beat myself up about the one I didn’t do.

• Personalizing - When something wrong occurs, you automatically blame yourself.
  I consistently try to figure out my responsibility. It must be my fault - somehow.

• Catastrophizing - You automatically anticipate the worst, knowing something terrible will happen.
  If someone didn’t arrive at a meeting when I expected them, I fear the worst - they must have had an accident.

• Blaming - You try to say someone else is responsible for what happened to you instead of yourself.
  I blame myself - I “should have, or “could have” done something different.

• Saying you "should" do something - You think of all the things you should do and blame yourself for not doing them.
  I doubt or second-guess almost everything I do.

• Magnifying - You make a big deal out of minor problems.
  Especially since I was now on my own, I had little confidence in my ability to solve household problems like fixing the toilet or unclogging a drain. Guess what! There is information about every topic imaginable on a website or in a Youtube video.

• Perfectionism - Keeping impossible standards and trying to be perfect sets me up for failure.
  I am actively working to improve rather than to be perfect.

• Polarizing. You see things only as either good or bad.
  I regularly see things as bad.

I’ve identified several potential issues to work on changing. If you took a similar test, how would you do?

Numerous websites, such as Healthdirect, offer suggestions for turning around negative self-talk. The authors say, “negative self-talk can become repetitive and overwhelming. It often feels true. To break out of that cycle try these tips.”

• Be aware of what you say to yourself. Stopping and recognizing negative thoughts for what they are is a big step. Would you talk like this to someone else?
  Never!

• Challenge your thoughts. Ask yourself for another explanation or way of looking at a situation. Remember that many things you worry about don’t happen.
  Most worries don’t happen, but I manage to worry anyway.

• Put your thoughts into perspective. Look at things from a different perspective. Write your thoughts down or say them out loud. Ask yourself if this will matter in a few years.
  I write my thoughts on paper and respond from another person’s perspective - a strategy that works well.

• Stop the thought. You can do this “thought stopping” technique visually — by imagining the idea being stopped or squashed etc. — or by having a ritual - as in “laying the thought to rest.”
  I haven’t tried that.

• Replace the thought with a neutral or positive idea. Ask yourself — what is a more helpful belief?
  The trick is to hold onto more helpful thinking, I’ve found.

So, paying attention to the words I use and thoughts I think are another area to explore as I progress toward aging well.

Two articles I want to share with you this week are:

• Overthinking Anxiety - When your anxiety is high, your body knows it. This article discusses the phenomenon.

• Congratulations on Becoming Time Affluent - Time affluence is the feeling of having enough time in a day for things you want to do. If you have stopped working, there’s an excellent chance to be more time affluent.